Not all is fair in love and war, it seems

It almost always never occurs to anyone that they'd become a veteran of war at the unripe age of eighteen. We were so young and enticed by the biological weaponry of love and attraction, clamoring our way onto the battlefield without ever completely understanding what it was worth. We charged right into it without doubt, constantly deeming advancement greater than stagnation, as action became the ultimate moral imperative. Little then did we know that it took more than a desire, or a battle cry to sustain something as hefty as our hearts, and prevent ourselves from losing it in the first place.

But wars aren't always won. Often, we are led to become all too vulnerable and in effect, we forget that we must defend ourselves, just as much as we offend. As a matter of fact, the defense line is almost always frowned and chided upon, for their lack of mobility, for their absence of risk. Nevertheless, risks aren't evaluated adequately, and as a result, poor judgment is placed upon those who wait, who observe, who stay put. And yet, their possession of such patience finally becomes their reward.

So here we are - the rest of us, with the remnants of our injuries painted on our backs, with our scars exhibited like an unexpected inking on our once whole bodies, with the tides washing away the ruins of a temporal structure in abject slowness of pace. Yet, this is the evidence of having lived. And if anything has been acquired through the lost of our sanctity, it is wisdom.

Preacher

When I was a kid, my grandfather was a preacher
He talked about God, yeah he was something like a teacher
He said God only helps those who learn to help themselves
He was a million miles from a million dollars, but you could never spend his wealth.

And with that, I usher in a new season of blogging.

Truth to be told, I'm still a little apprehensive about using this as my main platform of self-expression. The past few months have proven that I've somewhat switched loyalties from writing for myself to writing in commemoration of a past significant other and for that reason, I went on a temporary hiatus. It's been invigorating to be able to reflect on what's been happening and delve into introspection and I think I can safely say that I've taken the time I usually spend writing to live and savor each moment to it's fullest. It helps to be able to acquire memories and not constantly have to worry about what kind of memories they are, or how it would be best to phrase them or even the superficiality of how many responses I'd attain from publicizing them. Instead, the lessons I've learned remain within my psyche, as well as between close friends, now that I've found sisters in campus. Really, it's been refreshing from the usual sausage fest.

In spite of the detriment it portrays, I've always associated pain with growth. Well, that probably never occurred to me as a child, but as I entered into my adolescence and even as I transition into the realm of adulthood, I constantly find new things to ponder upon after each painful experience. Pain fuels me - it ensconces me into the temporal fatality of consequence, then resurrects me into life a learned and wise entity. I've always seen myself as having little tolerance for physical pains and I've constantly undermined my ability to withstand emotional pain, but having endured life thus far, I've found that I'm much stronger than I presume myself to be. I can't entirely take credit for that, however, for it is God that consistently provides me with strength and the will to carry on, to see the bigger picture and to wait patiently for divine intervention in dimensions man cannot alter. Indeed, faith levels do fluctuate but in spite of everything, God is omnipresent.

I know I've promised myself I won't talk about the past anymore, but earnestly, I'm glad to see him moving on. Rumor has it that he's been seeing someone else, but I'm okay with that. Avoidance and sheer uninvolvement have been the order of the day in the past few weeks, in which I initially found uncomfortable but now find necessary. I've come to understand that in the business of moving on, distance and time play a crucial role, especially if a friendship is to be retained. It's been a little difficult for me to draw lines, having erased them a while ago and having no memory of their function, but I'm slowly gaining the ability to discern what is and what isn't and set boundaries accordingly. Sometimes, wishful thinking and the constant bombardment of 'what if's diminish me into lows, wondering what could have been, but I'm standing my ground. What's done is done, it cannot be undone. I can only take note of the mistakes I've made and promise myself to never make them again. At least now I'm absolutely sure what I'll do if I find another gem in the future - I won't let go.

All in all, things haven't been easy. I'm being challenged physically, academically and spiritually on a daily basis, and the world shows no sign of decrease in the exertion of its influence on me. Nevertheless, I strive to achieve my goals, to stand for my beliefs, to live above reproach and to attain selflessness. As for everything else, the trick is not to try, but to do. It is not the ATTEMPT that counts, it is the ACTION itself that does. Lately, I've been getting things done instead of trying to get things done. Regardless of my level of confidence and expertise, I dive right into whatever I do and make sure it gets completed. I suppose in that sense, I've become more disciplined as of late, and am quite sensitive to the Spirit. It's been a really eye opening experience to actually say that I've been there and I've done that, but even more importantly, that I've overcome my inhibitions.

So I guess that's pretty much all I have to say. The rest is detail, and I'm really in no mood to elaborate as I recently just completed 2 tests and 1 quiz, all after spending a weekend away committing myself to the Amazing Race organized by my university program. A real rewarding experience it has been, but I'll leave that for another day.