Left for America

Praise the Lord. I'm officially in the U.S. of A!

There's so much uncertainty as to what's waiting for me in the next two years, but surprisingly I'm not too taken aback right now. Things were a little rough last month, as I contemplated the aftermath of my departure and the things I had to let go of, but I think it's safe to say that I don't feel too bad now. I'd expected sentimental me to burst out in tears the night I took off, but I didn't.

It's pretty strange, but I think something really felt right. I don't know for sure what it is, but I think it's gotta be God. I don't think I've ever been this NOT anxious before. I know for sure that He has gone before me, and is looking after me even as I'm here now.

Yet, I can't say that nothing's been on my mind. I'm still pretty wistful about things at this side of the world. As I witness Snapchats sent by my friends at church, I feel like everything has moved on pretty well even without me. It's strange really, I'm starting to feel as if my existence in youth has been rather, unreal. Not surreal, UNREAL. As if I was never there. I was just an annoying speck of dust, and once I was gone, things have taken off pretty well.

I know, it's a really selfish thing to say. But I guess that's what one feels when they leave, I suppose. Like they're just afraid things will conveniently slide back into normalcy (yet again, what is normal, per se?)

Well, Vivian, the world doesn't revolve around you. More of Christ, less of you, remember?

I guess it's also partly to do with love language differences. Just because the send off I expected didn't happen, it doesn't mean I am any less loved. And even if I was less loved, what does it matter? I need to constantly remind myself that these little things that people do that I give meaning to, are of no significance, compared to the marvellous extent of God's great glory. And anyway, if I place such emphasis on earthly things instead of kingdom driven things, how will the Holy Spirit work in me?

To be fair, I don't deserve it in the first place. Any of it. Not in a "yeah-I-don't-deserve-it-now-pay-attention-to-me-because-I-want-your-affection-dammit" kinda way; I truly am honest. I don't deserve it. What kind of friend have I been to people at church? How much have I cared and how much have I loved? Somehow, I feel for the most part that I've only cared about getting the truth, and sometimes my version of the truth that it has taken away the element of love. I honestly think I don't deserve having people send me off, or having people do all those things I'd cared about, because I have to admit that I haven't really gotten to know and love them. And I don't expect one year to mean lifelong relationships either, how could I reap when I didn't sow?

I could have done better than I have.

Even so, now's not the time to look back and wallow in dejection and self-pity. Life must go on, and so it will. I refuse to let this year's failures turn the tide of how I will live next year. If anything, I must learn from my mistakes and carry on. Self-condemnation cannot be the key to transformation - Jesus didn't condemn anyone, and so I shouldn't do that to myself. Instead, I must look to Him to go on with life.

But anyway, enough about the past. I figured I'd fill you guys in with some of my initial thoughts about the U.S (YAY).

I've been in New York for about a day and a half now, and I'm really liking it here. The weather wasn't as dreadful as I'd expected it to be - it hasn't snowed and when my family and I arrived, it was only about 7 degrees Celcius, which I think is a decent temperature for winter. We headed for our Queens first thing upon arrival at New York and took a decent nap before braving the cold for dinner with our relatives. We had Korean food for lunch, which I have to say, was pretty darn kickass, and the company wasn't bad either. My relatives are rather outrageous, but they are an amazingly hospitable bunch.

We set out for Elmhurst today, where my relatives live, first thing in the morning today. My grandaunt taught us how to navigate the subway and led us there. She also helped us get a U.S. SIM card and we went over to her apartment to chill for a bit. The rest of my day was pretty much just touring Manhattan and Queens.

My granduncle drove us all to Chinatown for a Cantonese lunch and then we scoured the area for some iconic tourist attractions on the island. We went to Wall Street and checked out the infamous bull (which we didn't quite see due to the influx of tourists) and South Street Seaport which had pretty kickass ships and a landing overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge. We also took a ferry down to Staten Island NOT to check out the island, but to take absolutely low quality and kiamsiap pictures of the Statue of Liberty with our cameras against the dirty glass windows separating us from the crazy chill outside. At night, we headed down to Flushing and had dinner at some dimsum place there that was well known for their xiao long bao.

All in all, New York's been pretty cool. While there are things I'd have to get used to, like the units of measurement (what the heck is 32 Fahrenheit oh yeah 0 degrees Celcius whoop), how to use coins here (seriously what on earth is one dime) or even the large portions here, I really enjoyed strolling by the streets and going to places I'd previously only seen on TV. The subway system here is really convenient, and as long as you plan your journey, you're bound to get from one place to another without hassle. It's probably gonna be different when I head down South, but for now I'm really just contented taking in the sights and the sounds of the Big Apple :)

3 days left

When I came to accept the weakness and the inadequacy that lived within me as a result of sin that could not be redeemed and reconciled to wholeness by other equally imperfect human beings, I realized then that there had to be more to being myself than just me; more to being ourselves than just us.

And there is (was and always will be), a God that rules and moves beyond anything that I can ever understand, and yet who chose to love me in the craziest way possible when there was nothing in me worthy of such a great sacrifice. A God who is, to all He designed for His glory and His great love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

- Ephesians 3:14-21

Photoset: HOME

"We're gonna miss you when you're in U.S."

"Haha, we'll see about that."

"I know when you go there, you won't miss us one lah."



Oh you have no idea, dad. Absolutely no idea.

The God of Everyday

But this I call to mind,

    and therefore I have hope: 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

    “therefore I will hope in him.” 

- Lamentations 3:21-23

This morning, I skipped my devotion. It seemed like a peaceful day where not much could go wrong, and I thought I could manage it with the treasury of already memorized scriptures in my mind. I thought I could do whatever I had to do in the day without concern, without worry, without anxiety. Everything seemed jolly well within my control. I also had some things to pray about, but I wrote them down and thought I'd do it later because there were other things I felt I had to complete first, before I could've done anything else.

From the scripture above, we see that God's mercies are new every morning. After all, each day has enough trouble of it's own (Matthew 6:34), and God gives us enough grace for the day to endure that day and that day alone. The next day, the same thing happens - God's mercies are renewed again, and we receive the grace and strength to endure it yet again. Daily, we are called to trust in the Lord to garner whatever we need to proceed with the next 16 hours (assuming you get your eight hours of sleep), after rise and shine.

Yet today, I put God out of the picture. Sure, I envisioned God and thought about scripture and church and doctrine and theology and searched these things up in Wikipedia and learned more about them, but I had neglected God altogether. I hadn't spent time with Him. I didn't quite talk to Him. I just ignored Him and carried on with the day, without taking in the new mercies He was going to provide me for today.

And I failed. And when I failed to hold things up, I went back to Him. I read His word and cried out to Him and I received His mercies. But my refreshment was now wasted, because I only have about four more hours left to draw from a reservoir of a day's worth of grace (given that I sleep by midnight, if not earlier). There is no doubt - God's faithfulness sure is great and His steadfast love never ceases, but I have been a fool for letting myself miss out on the abundance of His love.

How utterly, stupid, if I dare say so myself.

It also got me thinking about what and how much my faith meant to me.

Is my faith worth everything to me that I would give every second, every minute, every hour, every day - basically, every moment of my life to Him?

Are my bad moments dedicated to Him alone, while the greater and more joyous occasions are left for me to squander freely without acknowledging that they also belongs to God?

Is my God, the LORD over all that is in my life - the great I AM?

I cannot keep on doing this. I cannot only seek the Lord in times of anxiety and trouble, and then stray away when I feel okay and think I can deal with the day on my own. He is the source of my strength in times of trouble, but He is also God over the sunny days of my life where everything looks like rainbows and unicorns (forgive me, I ran out of metaphors).

It doesn't matter how I feel right now, or how I will feel tomorrow. It doesn't matter if I think I feel okay, or I think I don't feel okay. My faith is not based on how I feel about having morning devotions, or how sleepy I feel at night before I slumber. My faith is founded on the Cross, and it needs to be a faith not just of words, but of action - or of works, which complete faith, if you'd like to reference James 2.

And that includes every single day of my life surrendered to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11

I know you probably feel the same, looking at this verse all, over, again. Yeah, I get it. God has a plan for me, and it's always good, and it offers me a hope and a future. And well, those plans can sometimes be tough, but they are always good. Blah blah blah. So there.

With all that's been going on in my head lately, everything just feels really difficult. I don't know how I'd get through this, and my mind just paces from one thought to another, thoughtlessly. There are no youth services on Sunday for the time being, and so I have to read the Word more on my own for refreshing from the Lord. And sometimes I don't feel refreshed, I feel daunted. And then I stop reading, and mope in my own miseries.

Today, I thought about my relationship with my family. I wonder why I was made so incompatible with the family God put me in. Like everything now just seems to be my fault, cuz I had big dreams and everyone else had to make a sacrifice just so I could fulfill them. My mum's okay, and I know God is taking care of her very well, but my dad can react pretty atrociously at times. I won't go into detail about his behavior, because they aren't significant - well, not as important to me as what I believe he thinks of me and what I'm doing.

I can only say that he hasn't quite grasped this whole Christianity thing yet - he expects me to utilize the gift of my intelligence to rake in money once I graduate, buy him a Porsche and let him live an affluent life. I, on the other hand, have other ideas. I have a desire to serve the community, which involves not beginning working at 21. Return to Malaysia and serve the local church, before I go into a full-time job and build a career. I want to be able to give back to my parents, but I'm just not convinced that becoming a billionaire is the only path that can accommodate my desire to honor and love my parents via gifts.

Why the both of us have our flaws and our faults in the family, I find it really hard to love my dad because he doesn't seem to understand that pursuing Christ comes above all else, including a good job equalling money and that money equalling a life of affluence. I'd love more than anything else to give my parents that and more, but I want him to realize that these are not the things life should be founded upon. It's tough, and I'll just be brutally honest - sometimes I just want to shout at him and tell him to shut up about money, because as much as we need it to survive, I'm tired of being pressured to earn big and pay everyone back. It also doesn't help that it contradicts God's promise that he would keep us and provide for us.

I then ask God why.

Why put me in a family like this, and give me a dad that is so difficult to deal with? I know people in church don't have perfect families, but at least they have a dad who's bent on crucifying His flesh to the Cross.

And that's when He swooped into my thoughts, and spoke to me.

"Because I care about your character, not your circumstances."

Jeremiah 29:11 couldn't have showed up in my pandemonic mind at a better time. I'm not always sure whether something I think about is something from the Holy Spirit, but I know for certain that it was the Spirit of God speaking to me.

God does have a plan, and He will not rest until it comes into fruition. Sure, my dad might be difficult to love, but the easy thing to do (which I have been consistently doing), is to just write him off as unreasonable and not worth caring for.

But the difficult thing to do, which Christ did for us, is to love my dad anyway. To put aside every ounce of pride in my mind and do the right thing. I don't have to agree with everything he says, but I need to hear him out. I don't always like how he thinks or behaves, but I don't have to react to it. It's not that I'm being weak or anything - I'm being meek instead. Strength under control, if that's what you call it. I will need every fruit of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit can flourish in me to love my dad.

Yet, I don't lose out. If anything, I gain everything - I will grow stronger in character. Sure, I won't be around for the next two years, but with every Skype call and Whatsapp message, I'll do my best.

Because this plan and purpose isn't just for me, it's also for him. And just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, I will give up my pride for my dad. One day, he'll understand that and he'll be transformed. He'll be that new person God has intended for him to be.

I can't wait.

Nuggets: Self-esteem?

"Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all." 

- William Temple, Church of England bishop (1881-1944)

The only way we will ever truly learn to love ourselves is to first deny ourselves, then take up His cross and follow Him daily (Luke 9:23). After all, holding onto individualism and self-esteem is not substantial, we must give it up in order to experience the abundance of a life lived in freedom from the selfish constructs of this world. There is this huge propensity to fall within one extreme or the other, but being grounded in His word, the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the body in which we have been placed truly helps us overcome.

Yes, what a short post. I just needed to remind myself that it's not about me, and that my thoughts about how others treat me or how they see me should not matter at all.

He must become greater, I must become less.

With love, V

We often have this misconception that love is suppose to be easy, that it's suppose to come naturally and should occur without challenges.

I'm just gonna have to break it to you - IT'S ALL A LIE.

Relationships aren't easy and they are NEVER perfect because we're all broken people.

We were God's beloved in the beginning of time. Then we were rebels, having turned away from God and to sin. We were subject to God's mercy, trying to atone for what we did, but failing to achieve complete purity as we did in our creation. But then God did something extraordinary - He sent His only begotten son to die for us on the Cross and took upon Himself our sin so we could be set free. Free to love Him, and love one another. But being in this world, we still have to live in this earthly body, and it is still filthy as ever. And that's why we stumble. We hurt each other, and it's painful as ever.

But when we remember the great God who loved us so much and did what he could have decided not to, and still be the same sovereign and righteous God, we become compelled to love one another. How we feel, what we think doesn't matter, because God's love for us transcends our human limitations. We are made perfect in His love and in that, cease to fear.

These people in the pictures aren't perfect. They don't always do the right thing and they mess up. They've hurt me with some of the things they say, with their occasional nonchalance. And so have I, when I wasn't clear of who I was in Christ those years ago when I first encountered Him. I was crazy insecure, and I needed constant affirmation from these people just to know I'm okay and they had to give without expectations of receiving. I'm pretty sure they were worn out trying to figure it out with me when I was much more lost than I am now (yes, still lost ahaha).



Serving with them hasn't been easy, and being their friend has been tough as hell, especially with all our respective idiosyncrasies and flaws. But God's love is what keeps us together. We put our trust in Him and we held onto Him for better and for worse, no matter where we were in life.

Love isn't easy. It's more than community and friendship. It's accountability and commitment. And that's scary to our carnal selves.





Yet, out of faith, hope and love, LOVE endures FOREVER and this means endless sacrifice, obedience and forgiveness.

But for something as priceless as love, I think it's pretty darn worth it.

Innuendo

Some words can't be taken back once expressed. As much as we'd like to see them as abstract things with no physical significance, words do resonate within the soul, and that inevitably effects the course of pretty much everything.

And hey, discipline isn't really discipline after all if I allowed temptation to take over and say what I've been meaning to say. I guess it's way better to withhold myself from speaking during a flurry of emotion - I'd rather forgo the words that grant me temporal gratification in order that the character I grow into will be one of permanence.

I blame classical music for this. For all of this. I was okay, and then I listened to some stupid piano song and now I'm all emo and stuff. Yep, I'll blame it on the classical music.

Vivian, you're way smarter than this. All those "Did you know" facts on Facebook are nothing but a bunch of bullcrap, man. Just because you've had these "feelings" for more than 6 months, it doesn't mean you love him. You don't. You don't love this person, you only love the idea of having him. As much as you'd like to convince yourself it'd be a bed of roses if you have him, it's not true. That's not what God intended for you to have in a relationship, God wants you to focus on well, God. To draw close to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And if this pulling you away, drawing you further from the Father, it's time to move on.

It's a good thing, I guess. That I'm leaving, that is. I've been contemplating for ages whether to confront him with my feelings, but I've resolved to silence the notion even on the day of departure. After all, by telling him, what are my expectations? What's the point? Does it do any good? Maybe. Will it hurt our friendship? Definitely. I'm not about to make another stupid mistake, like the one I made a year ago. Two years ago. Five years ago. I'm not going to say things I don't mean, and then look back and cringe in embarrassment and remorse for saying them out loud. I'm not going to give the Devil a foothold over my life, to mess with me through my emotional tendencies.

I'm gonna be brave. God has made me a courageous person, more than a conqueror. I will get over it and persevere through it all. I was born for such a time as this, that I would take heart and overcome with God's strength.

I don't love him. It's just the idea that entices me. Even if it has bothered me consistently for over a year. My mind is playing tricks on me, and it's ratchet. It's ratchet as heck man. I thought about it, what it'd be like if we were, you know, but hey, that's not what it's suppose to be. And if it were convenient and if he did respond according to my own whims and fancies, what would my consequent subservience show? It would display my nature as someone who breaks the law when things are convenient. That's not how it should be. Laws were made for a life of no temptation, it's value comes when we are faced with it. I got standards man, and it's time to put them up like bam whaddup. I ain't just any girl, I'm GOD'S GIRL. WHAT DIDCHU LEARN AT CAMP SELF

As Jane Eyre puts it:

"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God, sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad - as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth - so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane - quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."

So let's do this, V. Just walk it off, aite?

Just walk it off.

Abide '14

To begin with, I didn't have any specific expectations for Uth Camp. I only knew inside that God was going to do a great work and I was just pretty open about whatever was to happen.

I gotta say, God truly works in the most mysterious of ways.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had so many questions about the church, campus ministry, evangelism and my faith. Being a part of CF and church simultaneously has been a joy to me; but it also created a burden in my heart. Having been exposed to reformed theology and the depth of the Word through bible study, I found it difficult to reconcile the differences in the perception of God and the gospel between CF and church.

I learned so much about the Word through CF that I soon discovered my church didn't quite have that much grounding in that area. I also had convictions and conflicts within myself regarding the emphasis on tangible, spiritual experiences in church and glossolalia. While I believed they were real, I had doubts about whether their sole implementation would cause the seed God planted in the youths grow on fertile soil. I have had those struggles when I was younger about speaking in tongues and not knowing what my faith was based on, and I felt things could have been done differently in church in order that the youths build their faith on solid ground.

While not all my questions were answered, most of them were. As Psalms 139:23 put it, God had searched me and knew my heart. He had tested me and knew my anxious thoughts. God answered my questions through the workshops and service. He taught me that we were called to make disciples and not converts, and have faith that is of quality. He showed me a different way to approach evangelism in campus ministry through the workshops, and revealed Jesus not just as Saviour, but Lord over our lives. He reminded me to give Him my all (including the part of me that somewhat resolved not to deal with romantic relationships for good) and let Him write my story. He revealed the enormity and greatness of His nature, reassuring me that I could do all things through Christ who strengthened me. The entirety of camp was focused on glorifying Him in all things, and it was spectacular.

On a different note, God also showed me what it meant to serve. Having to sing three nights in a row and play keys one of the mornings was tough. And so was staying up till 3am with the committee members to discuss camp stuff. And it was nuts watching Lionel work on videos last minute as I helped compile all the tiger court evidence into a slideshow. Boy, it was crazy hard, and not everything went according to plan - but it really made me think about what serving as a youth leader meant.

As I pondered, Mark 10:43b-45 came to mind - "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Being a leader calls for humility above all else, and I see that in my fellow committee members. While I whined about not getting enough sleep, I realized all these leaders weren't either. But they gave it all they had and served out of love. It's just insane that I've only started realizing what a sacrifice being a leader really demands. These people really deserve to be honored for their service and I seriously have so much more to learn from all of them.

To find myself still at square one has been astonishing. To think that I'm just getting started at this whole leadership thing. But I know that when the next season arrives, I'm up. I'm going to be deployed on His army to serve His kingdom, and it'll be harder than ever, considering I'll be 15,474km away from home. Nevertheless, no matter where I am, it will still be the same, amazing life-changing call.

For that, I am infinitely grateful.