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Monday, January 19, 2015

2B or not 2B

I didn't come to America just to study.

Sure, I came as a student, but in the grand scale of things, I don't believe that this is the only reason why God has sent me here. I know I've always wanted to come to the States and take on their education system, but I'm more than convinced that this is not the sole purpose of my presence.

There's gotta be more than this.

It's been three weeks now since I first landed in America, and my first week here as a student in Texas has officially come to an end. It's strange, really. It feels like I've been here forever, like I've left home so long that I've just become a slightly different person. I feel like if I tried to drive here, I'd probably screw it up. I mean sure, the roads here are in the opposite direction and nothing here works exactly like it does back home, but I don't know if I'll lose my ability to use a car. It feels funny not driving, not knowing where things are and getting to them as quickly as I want to like I did back home.

So I've cried. Not as much as I'd expected to, but I've shed some tears. I miss home. I miss being able to have conversations with my mum after she gets back from work. I miss being able to pour out my heart and soul to her, and cry it all out and argue with her and shout in my room until I come to my sense and realized just how loved I am at home and that I should just calm down for Christ's sake. I miss knocking on muizies' door and running right back into my room with the door slammed shut just to irritate the heck out of her. And I miss that when I do go into her room, I end up complaining about everything, and having us both light up when we agree on the things that piss us off so much. I miss having my dad knock on my door just to check on me, or pass me money and trying so hard to make conversation when we both know we very much prefer silence over anything else.

I miss being able to wake up at 10AM and walking straight down to the kitchen, upon the aroma of fried sardines and ABC soup. I miss driving my grandma to Pasaraya to get ingredients for lunch and dinner, and just talking to her in the car and still talk to her even when we get home. I regret always playing with my phone when my grandma is saying something, because I know it was probably important but I chose not to pay attention anyway. But I thank God I paid attention to her stories, the accounts of what her childhood and youth was like, and even her adult life. I miss listening to her stories about Gong Gong and those about my mum and my aunts in their childhood.

My grandma. I miss my grandma. I loved how she could love so freely, because God's love was so in her that it couldn't help but overflow. I miss just having her dish out scripture after scripture to me as I went on and on about my problems, because that's when I knew the Holy Spirit was there with us, at the dining table and he's got it all covered.

I'd better stop, lest I shed tears again. My roommate is watching a movie right in front of me and I really don't want to bother her with my emotional tendencies, heh.

While I'm aware that my being here encompasses studying and making disciples of all nations etc., I'm not so sure specifically what I'm called to do here. Again, with the strange feels I have about this place. Since I got here, I've only been to two churches, and well, they're both a place of worship I'm not quite used to. It's a lot more solemn and still in baptist churches here than in my home church. It's not bad or anything, and well, they're good churches, but I'm just finding it hard to get used to. In fact, I'm constantly trying not to impose my own understanding of what church is to me on these churches I've been to. I really thank God I was led to CF in Taylor's, because at least I know now how to look at these things and still see the glory of God wherever I am, no matter how far things appear to be from the norms I've been assigned to all this while.

But yes, I do find it hard to adjust to things here. From lousy HB graphite replacing 2B pencils to interchanges between Fahrenheit and Celcius, this glove is definitely one-sized and does NOT fit all.

That's not to say that things haven't been going great here though. I've been extremely BLESSED.

Since I came to Texas, people here have been nothing but friendly. I am amazed at how hospitable and kind everyone is, it's crazy (for someone like me who is terribly cynical about the world, YES THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY NICE!). And that's just one way God has shown His love for me. I know God loves us as much as He loves the next person, but I'm learning now just how His love is so personal, so real and so BIG. I see it so clearly now, every day of my life and everywhere I am right here in this small town in West Texas.

I have not lacked anything from the day I stepped foot into this country, and I am extremely grateful for that. For one, I don't have to worry about food at all. I know the Caf would be closed on certain hours during the weekend or the public holiday and I'd have to buy myself food. Yet, so far I haven't had a problem with that. I would never run out of people to offer me a ride to get food, or even a place where I could get free food. It's CRAZY! The same goes with getting rides to Walmart, or finding people to have lunch with, or going to church, or even just for plain conversation. I've even found a roommate who I have quite a bit in common with, and I find that pretty cool. She's not too crazy, and I think we complement each other quite well as roommates. We typically study a lot and have things we can talk about (although we mostly do our own thing). She's not OCD about keeping the room kempt all the time and she likes coffee. Oh and she's Indian (American, but Indian nonetheless), and so we do have our Indian food cravings more than anything. I still find it hard to believe I have a roommate that will not induce trichotillomania within me (of course that's a bit more towards to the scientifically abnormal side of things and is not the kind of hair pulling girls do when they hate each other lol).

I have been blessed, I have been given more than I could ever hope to receive and I have learned quite a bit about myself from coming here. I've learned that I need to be responsible from myself, but that responsibility does need equal total independence. I cannot endorse self-pity, and expect people to be responsible for how I feel or the decisions I make; but I can draw wisdom from them if mine is insufficient because God puts people in my life for a reason. I need to be able to take care of myself, but when I can't manage, I know I can get help from others. People here are more than happy to help (I absolutely love this about living in the South!) and won't take it personally if I don't understand or doubt what they're saying. I choose to trust people, but I still am discern in choosing those I trust. Each day, I am convinced of this truth - I cannot use the same model of how to navigate life that I employed back home, to do life here in the forty acres.

God is teaching me new things every single day, and I am eager to learn. And He gives me new mercies every morning to overcome, regardless of the circumstances (and the cold).

Yet the question still begs to be answered - What am I doing here?

Only God knows. And the only way I'll ever find out, is to spend time with Him. Moments of silence and concentration are really hard to come by. When I lived alone, it was hard even focusing on God; but now that I have a roommate, I hardly ever find a conducive place where I can come before God and have a quiet time with Him. I guess I'll just have to work that out. God is omnipresent and He is sovereign, so that shouldn't be an excuse for not communing with the Heavenly Father.

To conclude, here's a scripture you might be immune to from having heard it countless times as a Christian (or maybe your Christian friend has mentioned). I had a "Wow" moment when it was quoted in Selma, a film of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, who fought for the civil rights of the African American people during the 60s. Not sure if it's in Malaysia, but if it is, go watch it. It is AWESOME!

SPOILER ALERT:

This was quoted when Dr. King and his fellow activists were imprisoned after supposedly causing a scene in one of their peaceful protests at the courthouse in Selma, Alabama. He was really discouraged, and was worried about what would happen to the movement if he'd been killed. However, Ralph Abernathy turns to King and says,

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"


- Matthew 6:26-27

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