But the thing is, I'm fully aware of it. I'm fully aware of the fact that this is all the cause of my own selfish perception and the lack of reading the Word of God. I know that. Yet I am hesitant to do anything and I completely and utterly made a fool of myself last night. I let my emotions show when that's the thing that reveals so much of how inferior I am. How absolutely stupid.
It's getting to me again. This feeling of being inferior and not good enough, it's causing me to treat people with spite and behave selfishly. I am indeed aware that everyone is made differently and there's no reason for me to compare with anyone for anything at all, but I still feel useless somehow. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm sitting for a major exam this year that everyone decides not to ask me for any favour at all or refuse to speak to me in case they are bothering me when I'm studying. Honestly, that's the last thing I want to hear (unless I really have to study) because all I ever do in school is study and when I do get some time to myself, I'd appreciate company.
And then there's the matter of trying to keep my head above water. Not literally of course, but in my relationship with God. All this insecurity is definitely self-instilled and not the fault of some other perfect being because I accidentally left open a door for Satan to enter. And now my thoughts are tainted with this worldly nature of insecurity and inferiority for the fact that nobody notices what I am good for. So I acknowledge that and I try to come to God, but all I hear is silence. No divine occurrence causing emotional stirs. Just nothing.
So my faith is challenged. And I am not doing much about it. Actually to be exact, I don't know what to do about it. I've succumbed to busying myself with things like revision, homework and watching television so I don't have to come to terms with it but I know I must see to it someday.
But somehow, just not today. I've been focusing a lot on my homework lately that the silence and the workload is taking a toll on my social ability. I don't speak well, I don't write well (actually I haven't written at all since I achieved that ambitious feat of finishing a full mock for poetry) and I don't express myself well. Nobody knows, nobody cares and nobody's there.
I'm just another person with problems to solve. Although God is there, I feel as if He is not.
So what do I do at this point?