Do away with me (Part 1)

Today was suppose to be another typical Saturday where church commitments or part-time work crept in, but fortunately (can't decide, but fortunately I s'pose) everything was cancelled at the last minute. So I was left with an entire Saturday to do whatever I wanted, and since I've already spent the afternoon with my family, I figured I'd have some me-time right now and do a little reflection on the past week.

To be absolutely honest with you, I haven't been okay in a couple of weeks.

My emotions have taken a serious toll on me again, despite whatever I've said about remembering who I am in Christ, and I've been trying very hard to tough it out on my own. For some reason, the past proceeded to haunt me and remind me of the hurts some of the people I've considered closest and most valuable to me, have inflicted upon me. I've been really bitter in the past couple of weeks, wallowing in self-pity, questioning God just why, He'd let me endure this anguish.

Why couldn't I be absolutely honest about the frailty of my spiritual health without receiving judgment from my peers?

Why do I have to have it harder than everyone else?

Why did I have to feel like I didn't belong, like I was excluded from everything, and had to reach out to others instead of having them reach out to me?

Why was I made so emotional?

Why am I so afraid of being rejected?

Why do I even care?

Why do I have to do this by myself? Why must I fight this war alone?

And if we were called to battle this world as one body, why did I come to realize that I have no one I could count on without being labelled "sick", or in possession of a "spiritual infirmity" that made me hard to love?

I debated about these things with my mum one night, but for some reason, even she, who was usually able to provide me with an answer, was rendered speechless.

I spent days like that. Though I forced myself up every morning to commit myself to prayer and to devotion, my heart was just far away from the Lord. I tried reaching out to Him, but inside I was just so bitter about everything that was wrong in my life that I forgot the one thing that made me right.

I forgot about Jesus, and what God had made Him do for me. He DIED so my line of communication with the Heavenly Father would be open, and here I was not experiencing the fullness of the gift He'd imparted to me.

And I wondered why.

Last Sunday, one of my high school teachers shared about trials and tribulations, from a Christian student's perspective. Frankly when I read the title of the message on the projected Powerpoint slide, I braced myself for a sermon laced with analogies and examples that were largely applicable to the secondary school crowd. I figured since that phase had come to pass and I had endured it, there wasn't much I could pick up. My stubborn 4.0 top student head was adamant on that, but considering a top student was also a disciplined one, I decided I'd hear it out and just laugh at the funny and familiar references my teacher would make as the sermon went along.

I can only thank God that the Holy Spirit was there, and as I listened, I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out from being in touch with His presence.

While I was right about the message being catered to a school-going audience, God's word was still applicable to me, regardless of my educational level. In essence, my teacher shared that as Christians, and even as students, we are all entitled to our share of trials and tribulations. She reminded us that our sufferings made us stronger as Christians, both emotionally and in our faith through 1 Peter 1:6-7. She also mentioned that we all had a divine purpose which was and is to grow more and more into the image of Jesus, according to Romans 8:29.

I was all too familiar with that, and I thought to myself, "Well yeah, sure. I've heard this millions of times."

And then we went into the analogies; the crucial TNTs (trials and tribulations) that we all had to endure as Christian students.

Upon surface value, a lot of the examples she offered were very relatable to school-goers. Questions like "Why is it my teacher likes picking on me in class?", "Why am I not smart or better looking just like or than my peers?" or "Why are my parents so strict on me?" I wouldn't have related to the first question I mentioned, because to be fair, I was a pretty decent student. As per the third question, I've learned to accept that my parents are strict on me because they care about me and love me, and it's been ingrained in my identity since God taught me that all through last year.

But about not being smart or better looking like others? I giggled. No, actually, I laughed at that one. It was a stupid thing, but I could still relate to that. Sure, I was verbally less public about my tendencies to envy or feel inferior to others, but I could totally relate to that. While I might have gotten off the "Am I pretty enough/smart enough?" phase, I was dealing with:

"Why do others have it easier than me?"

"Why can't I be not awkward, like other people?"

"Why can't I be as sane when it comes to my emotions, like everybody else on God's green earth who doesn't freak out when they screw things up?"

But all she said was, "We need to look away from ourselves."

She didn't say, "We are all made differently, and we cannot compare ourselves to one another."

She didn't expound, "Our self-confidence is in our identity as Christians, in the Lord."

And no, she definitely didn't say, "The Devil is out there to get you because you're valuable to the Kingdom of God, so don't let Him!"

Sure, some of those things I've mentioned above have some amount of truth, but the problem with such statements is that at the end of it all, it still points to us over God. If we're not careful to dissect those sentences, it glorifies us. It puts us in the limelight, instead of God.

But what my teacher said, was to shift our focus from ourselves to others. We are called to be a blessing to others. We are called to serve one another. We are called to love and freely give, without expecting a return. We are called to give ourselves up to Jesus - every ounce of us is His, every desire of our hearts, becomes His. We are FOR Him, and everything else that is for us, cannot be within us if we are truly FOR HIM.

And sometimes, as much as we are adamant on being FOR Him only, our human nature gets to us. It definitely got to me. Others might feel that many other commitments in our lives towards the things of the world can get in the way of us seeking the kingdom of God. For me, I felt that there was a need to be perfect, that there was a need to be righteous, and if I wasn't, I was surely damned. My hindrance was legalism, and for a while I mistook that legalism to be the purpose for which I was created. And when I realized I was being legalistic, I was even more afraid that I wasn't a good example to others, and I'd be shunned in my community of believers. I feared that I wasn't patient enough, or kind enough, or graceful enough, etcetera.

However, Matthew 6:33 was quoted then. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

It was then that I realized that my focus was not to be on how to be a more disciplined person in Christ. Nor was it to be the epitome of a Christian whose walk with God is impeccable.

My focus needed to be the kingdom of God, which by the way if you haven't noticed, has TONNES of people. The kingdom of God is not limited to Heavenly beings, WE as followers of Christ, ARE THE KINGDOM OF GOD. So it all makes sense, we need to look after His kingdom, which also comprises of one another and stop focusing on how perfect I had to be through all these works, through my service in church, because all have fallen short of His glory and we are all saved by grace. No one is favored by God more or less by the works that we do.

Also, I was transfixed on my self-righteousness that I totally didn't focus on His righteousness. I assumed I knew whatever I was doing, but like it says in John 15 verses 4 to 5,

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

I couldn't do it on my own. My focus had to be on Jesus before anything else. And when I could abide in Him, I would produce those fruits. So the fruits of the Spirit are a product of abiding in the one true vine, Jesus whose Father is the gardener. He is the one pruning us, not the laws we have made for ourselves or the rules we choose to play by.

Nevertheless, we are the ambassadors for the Kingdom of God, through our lives. The choices we make and how we live our lives are important. If we are able to go through these trials and tribulations and yet still maintain that our God is good, we become a testimony. So that's where we come in, but for the glory of God.

To reiterate the closing of the sermon, James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

God had me take a test, so that my faith could produce endurance. And that endurance, was meant to make me perfect and complete, not lacking anything. For a while, I let myself be oblivious to the bigger picture of God's grand plan and allowed myself to wallow in the comfort of self-pity, and I blamed everyone and everything else for not being empathic enough towards me.

But all of that was wrong. God's grace was enough for me.

So there, the beginning of God's revelation to me, about my issues with insecurities, identity and self-pity. The story doesn't end here, but if I continued it in one post it'd take way too much space and hinder me from getting this message across, if I considered summarizing everything into one brief post.

Anyway, to close, I'll just share one more thing.

After the sermon, JN came up and shared his two cents on trials and tribulations. He talked about a debate he'd had with one of the youth leaders, on the legitimacy of the statement, "Hard times bring about faith." Well, something along those lines. Truth be told, I didn't think there was anything acutely inaccurate about the sentence. With challenges, come the opportunity for our faith to become stronger, was it not?

Romans 10:17 has the answer.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."

Difficult times will come, and yes, such times bring about the opportunity of glorifying God. But these tough situations are not what grants us faith.

Faith comes from HEARING, and HEARING through the WORD of Christ.

It is our faith, our being rooted in God that leads to faith. Difficult times may be a catalyst, but they are not the source of our faith. Faith comes when we run to Him in these times, seek His guidance and hide in His Word.

Wow.

Little sleep and too much toil makes Vivian a

Quick updates on life:

1. I'm officially employed! I managed to score a part-time job at a neighborhood cafe, and I'm loving it so far. It was pretty unexpected, but I'm grateful that each step towards the attainment of this job was undertaken with prayer. Praise the Lord!

2. My birthday celebration has lasted for about a week now! Shoutout to everyone who's gone out of the way to make it special for me. I've truly been blessed beyond belief, and I could not be happier. I appreciate all your wishes, prayers, treats to lunch or dinner, and gifts from the bottom of my heart. God has truly shown His love through each and every one of you :)

3. There hasn't been much news on my uni application, but I'm aware that one of the universities I've applied to have responded to my admissions counsellor. I guess I'll only have to stay tuned for another week or so.

4. I wrote my first official message and shared it during cell last Friday. It was pretty nerve wrecking and I had a lot of trouble writing it at first, but I'm grateful that my cell leader was there to help me and that God did not cease from His commitment to me, as I journeyed through what was in my heart. I ended up writing and then sharing about commitment, and hopefully this message will spur the commitment of others as well, unto Him.

5. I've been keeping up with this prayer thing for another week now. I've prayed about a couple of things - for family, friends, Malaysia, and well, EVERYTHING! Things have somewhat declined lately though, since I've been feeling the strain of my nine-to-five, but I'm determined to seek Him no matter what.

In conclusion, God has been really faithful this past week. I do admit I've been pretty tired due to work and my screwed up sleep schedule, but His presence during worship today truly rejuvenated me. Nevertheless, I'll be off work for a couple of days this coming week to spend quality time with my family.

I don't think I've been this excited since forever in two weeks!

Happeh barfday too mi

So there's less than two hours left to my birthday, and I figured I'd say what's on my mind right now before I forget.

Living nineteen years on this earth hasn't been an easy feat.

Throughout most of my life, I've harbored a sense of rejection within me. I feared that many of my dreams and desires would become unaccomplished because I had no one to believe in me or even love me because of my insecurities. This succeeding anxiety gave me a sense of hopelessness every year. I'd cry - sometimes it was days before, or even weeks before my birthday came, because I was afraid that no one would remember, or that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. My parents were always there to make it memorable for me, but somehow each year I'd feel worthless, wondering if I should hold onto life since I believed there was no reason to live if no one would remember, because that showed the extent of their love and my presence in their life.

But this year is different.

Over the years, I've drawn closer to God, and this year I know my identity is ingrained in Him. I was anxious a couple of days ago, wondering if anyone would remember. I'd made more friends in the last two years than I ever had in high school, and I was, and still am hoping that at least someone would remember. And some of them do. Hee Hee remembers. Ming remembers. Even the Egg remembers (I suspected someone told her but let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we)! My family damn well remembered, because I totally didn't think of going out for dinner but they did.

More importantly though, God remembers. He is the one who wonderfully and fearfully created me after all.

Despite my fickle nature and inconsistency in my faith, You have always and will forever, remain the same. You knew me in my mother's womb, and You had Your plans for my life. You revealed Yourself to me at the age of sixteen, and ever since I've vowed to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. I was weak, and still am, struggling the grasp the extent of Your love and the cost of picking up the Cross, but You were patient through it all. You were and still are, the Prince of Peace, for it was because of You that when I was weak, I was and still am strong.

I'm a different person now than I was four years ago, and I know that it is all because of Your grace and new mercies each morning. Maybe I would have cried out of fear thinking that no one would remember; or out of anger as I compare myself with my peers who probably have had those grandiose birthday bashes I may probably never be able to afford - if this was two years ago. I've resolved not to cry tonight because I've decided not to let anything rob me of the joy He has bestowed upon me, but if I do -

It's because I truly know my Father loves me, and NOTHING will EVER separate me from His love.

Blessed Mid-Autumn, my non-existent readers. And happy birthday to you, future self :)

The Seven Thousand

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

This particular story of Elijah in Chapter 19 of 1 Kings was astonishing, in my opinion. Having read the previous chapter, which underlined the contest at Mount Carmel, where God was faithful to Elijah and put the prophets of Baal to shame when he brought down fire and rain and showed Himself to be real, it amazed me that Elijah could still feel afraid upon hearing Jezebel's threats over his life that he even ran away.

During his period of hiding, God found him and questioned him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?", like TWICE. And both times, he rehearsed the same response; telling God that the Israelites had rejected Him and His commandments. He also mentioned that he was the only prophet left to defend God, and yet he was going to be killed.

Eventually, the Lord anointed Elisha to succeed Elijah as His mouthpiece - His prophet, for Elijah's had put an end to his time, on the account of his fear. God then tells him that there is no way for the people to escape death, stating that those who escape it by one sword would die by another.

However, it was what the Lord said next that really struck me. Though he said that ALL would perish, God chose to preserve the lives of seven thousand in Israel, who have not succumbed to the worship of Baal.

It made me think about my faith, with regards to how I felt about having to stand up for the Lord at ALL times, even if the rest of the world (including my Christian siblings) question the necessity for the seemingly puritanical standards I have set up for myself. It once seemed to me that I was the only one fighting this battle, trying to stand up for Jesus in the midst of all the pandemonium and the madness that has engulfed the earth of His creation. And I became afraid, just as Elijah was, when it all looked as if the world was caving in on me.

That's precisely what Satan wants us to believe - that we are all isolated individuals in this evil world, and that it is a losing battle we are fighting.

Nevertheless, the Lord spoke to me through this passage. While sometimes we may allow that lie to get through to our skulls, the truth still prevails. God does NOT vanish, the moment we become fearful; it is we who allow Him to be diminished in the sight of our fears and discouragement. The question, "What are you doing here?" begs to be answered.

What are we doing here, living in fear, when the Lord has already won the victory and overcome the world?

How is it that our faith wavers so easily that we eventually choose to run away, even after God has been faithful to us so many times, just as He was to Elijah?

There will be times where we feel as if we are the only one left to defend Christ, but more often than not, someone somewhere across the world has already surrendered their lives to God, and are part of the 'seven thousand' who have not given in to the worship of the world. If each of us choose to believe that we are fighting a war that cannot be won simply because those around us have chosen to succumb to this world, I think that God's army can only fall apart. But if we as His people, choose to focus our eyes on our Lord and Savior, regardless of the circumstances, our unity in Him will help us win the battle.

So let us be part of the seven thousand, for our lives will be spared by the Lord and our names written in the book of life :)