Today was suppose to be another typical Saturday where church commitments or part-time work crept in, but fortunately (can't decide, but fortunately I s'pose) everything was cancelled at the last minute. So I was left with an entire Saturday to do whatever I wanted, and since I've already spent the afternoon with my family, I figured I'd have some me-time right now and do a little reflection on the past week.
To be absolutely honest with you, I haven't been okay in a couple of weeks.
My emotions have taken a serious toll on me again, despite whatever I've said about remembering who I am in Christ, and I've been trying very hard to tough it out on my own. For some reason, the past proceeded to haunt me and remind me of the hurts some of the people I've considered closest and most valuable to me, have inflicted upon me. I've been really bitter in the past couple of weeks, wallowing in self-pity, questioning God just why, He'd let me endure this anguish.
Why couldn't I be absolutely honest about the frailty of my spiritual health without receiving judgment from my peers?
Why do I have to have it harder than everyone else?
Why did I have to feel like I didn't belong, like I was excluded from everything, and had to reach out to others instead of having them reach out to me?
Why was I made so emotional?
Why am I so afraid of being rejected?
Why do I even care?
Why do I have to do this by myself? Why must I fight this war alone?
And if we were called to battle this world as one body, why did I come to realize that I have no one I could count on without being labelled "sick", or in possession of a "spiritual infirmity" that made me hard to love?
I debated about these things with my mum one night, but for some reason, even she, who was usually able to provide me with an answer, was rendered speechless.
I spent days like that. Though I forced myself up every morning to commit myself to prayer and to devotion, my heart was just far away from the Lord. I tried reaching out to Him, but inside I was just so bitter about everything that was wrong in my life that I forgot the one thing that made me right.
I forgot about Jesus, and what God had made Him do for me. He DIED so my line of communication with the Heavenly Father would be open, and here I was not experiencing the fullness of the gift He'd imparted to me.
And I wondered why.
Last Sunday, one of my high school teachers shared about trials and tribulations, from a Christian student's perspective. Frankly when I read the title of the message on the projected Powerpoint slide, I braced myself for a sermon laced with analogies and examples that were largely applicable to the secondary school crowd. I figured since that phase had come to pass and I had endured it, there wasn't much I could pick up. My stubborn 4.0 top student head was adamant on that, but considering a top student was also a disciplined one, I decided I'd hear it out and just laugh at the funny and familiar references my teacher would make as the sermon went along.
I can only thank God that the Holy Spirit was there, and as I listened, I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out from being in touch with His presence.
While I was right about the message being catered to a school-going audience, God's word was still applicable to me, regardless of my educational level. In essence, my teacher shared that as Christians, and even as students, we are all entitled to our share of trials and tribulations. She reminded us that our sufferings made us stronger as Christians, both emotionally and in our faith through 1 Peter 1:6-7. She also mentioned that we all had a divine purpose which was and is to grow more and more into the image of Jesus, according to Romans 8:29.
I was all too familiar with that, and I thought to myself, "Well yeah, sure. I've heard this millions of times."
And then we went into the analogies; the crucial TNTs (trials and tribulations) that we all had to endure as Christian students.
Upon surface value, a lot of the examples she offered were very relatable to school-goers. Questions like "Why is it my teacher likes picking on me in class?", "Why am I not smart or better looking just like or than my peers?" or "Why are my parents so strict on me?" I wouldn't have related to the first question I mentioned, because to be fair, I was a pretty decent student. As per the third question, I've learned to accept that my parents are strict on me because they care about me and love me, and it's been ingrained in my identity since God taught me that all through last year.
But about not being smart or better looking like others? I giggled. No, actually, I laughed at that one. It was a stupid thing, but I could still relate to that. Sure, I was verbally less public about my tendencies to envy or feel inferior to others, but I could totally relate to that. While I might have gotten off the "Am I pretty enough/smart enough?" phase, I was dealing with:
"Why do others have it easier than me?"
"Why can't I be not awkward, like other people?"
"Why can't I be as sane when it comes to my emotions, like everybody else on God's green earth who doesn't freak out when they screw things up?"
But all she said was, "We need to look away from ourselves."
She didn't say, "We are all made differently, and we cannot compare ourselves to one another."
She didn't expound, "Our self-confidence is in our identity as Christians, in the Lord."
And no, she definitely didn't say, "The Devil is out there to get you because you're valuable to the Kingdom of God, so don't let Him!"
Sure, some of those things I've mentioned above have some amount of truth, but the problem with such statements is that at the end of it all, it still points to us over God. If we're not careful to dissect those sentences, it glorifies us. It puts us in the limelight, instead of God.
But what my teacher said, was to shift our focus from ourselves to others. We are called to be a blessing to others. We are called to serve one another. We are called to love and freely give, without expecting a return. We are called to give ourselves up to Jesus - every ounce of us is His, every desire of our hearts, becomes His. We are FOR Him, and everything else that is for us, cannot be within us if we are truly FOR HIM.
And sometimes, as much as we are adamant on being FOR Him only, our human nature gets to us. It definitely got to me. Others might feel that many other commitments in our lives towards the things of the world can get in the way of us seeking the kingdom of God. For me, I felt that there was a need to be perfect, that there was a need to be righteous, and if I wasn't, I was surely damned. My hindrance was legalism, and for a while I mistook that legalism to be the purpose for which I was created. And when I realized I was being legalistic, I was even more afraid that I wasn't a good example to others, and I'd be shunned in my community of believers. I feared that I wasn't patient enough, or kind enough, or graceful enough, etcetera.
However, Matthew 6:33 was quoted then. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
It was then that I realized that my focus was not to be on how to be a more disciplined person in Christ. Nor was it to be the epitome of a Christian whose walk with God is impeccable.
My focus needed to be the kingdom of God, which by the way if you haven't noticed, has TONNES of people. The kingdom of God is not limited to Heavenly beings, WE as followers of Christ, ARE THE KINGDOM OF GOD. So it all makes sense, we need to look after His kingdom, which also comprises of one another and stop focusing on how perfect I had to be through all these works, through my service in church, because all have fallen short of His glory and we are all saved by grace. No one is favored by God more or less by the works that we do.
Also, I was transfixed on my self-righteousness that I totally didn't focus on His righteousness. I assumed I knew whatever I was doing, but like it says in John 15 verses 4 to 5,
"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
I couldn't do it on my own. My focus had to be on Jesus before anything else. And when I could abide in Him, I would produce those fruits. So the fruits of the Spirit are a product of abiding in the one true vine, Jesus whose Father is the gardener. He is the one pruning us, not the laws we have made for ourselves or the rules we choose to play by.
Nevertheless, we are the ambassadors for the Kingdom of God, through our lives. The choices we make and how we live our lives are important. If we are able to go through these trials and tribulations and yet still maintain that our God is good, we become a testimony. So that's where we come in, but for the glory of God.
To reiterate the closing of the sermon, James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
God had me take a test, so that my faith could produce endurance. And that endurance, was meant to make me perfect and complete, not lacking anything. For a while, I let myself be oblivious to the bigger picture of God's grand plan and allowed myself to wallow in the comfort of self-pity, and I blamed everyone and everything else for not being empathic enough towards me.
But all of that was wrong. God's grace was enough for me.
So there, the beginning of God's revelation to me, about my issues with insecurities, identity and self-pity. The story doesn't end here, but if I continued it in one post it'd take way too much space and hinder me from getting this message across, if I considered summarizing everything into one brief post.
Anyway, to close, I'll just share one more thing.
After the sermon, JN came up and shared his two cents on trials and tribulations. He talked about a debate he'd had with one of the youth leaders, on the legitimacy of the statement, "Hard times bring about faith." Well, something along those lines. Truth be told, I didn't think there was anything acutely inaccurate about the sentence. With challenges, come the opportunity for our faith to become stronger, was it not?
Romans 10:17 has the answer.
"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."
Difficult times will come, and yes, such times bring about the opportunity of glorifying God. But these tough situations are not what grants us faith.
Faith comes from HEARING, and HEARING through the WORD of Christ.
It is our faith, our being rooted in God that leads to faith. Difficult times may be a catalyst, but they are not the source of our faith. Faith comes when we run to Him in these times, seek His guidance and hide in His Word.
Wow.
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