Living nineteen years on this earth hasn't been an easy feat.
Throughout most of my life, I've harbored a sense of rejection within me. I feared that many of my dreams and desires would become unaccomplished because I had no one to believe in me or even love me because of my insecurities. This succeeding anxiety gave me a sense of hopelessness every year. I'd cry - sometimes it was days before, or even weeks before my birthday came, because I was afraid that no one would remember, or that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. My parents were always there to make it memorable for me, but somehow each year I'd feel worthless, wondering if I should hold onto life since I believed there was no reason to live if no one would remember, because that showed the extent of their love and my presence in their life.
But this year is different.
Over the years, I've drawn closer to God, and this year I know my identity is ingrained in Him. I was anxious a couple of days ago, wondering if anyone would remember. I'd made more friends in the last two years than I ever had in high school, and I was, and still am hoping that at least someone would remember. And some of them do. Hee Hee remembers. Ming remembers. Even the Egg remembers (I suspected someone told her but let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we)! My family damn well remembered, because I totally didn't think of going out for dinner but they did.
More importantly though, God remembers. He is the one who wonderfully and fearfully created me after all.
Despite my fickle nature and inconsistency in my faith, You have always and will forever, remain the same. You knew me in my mother's womb, and You had Your plans for my life. You revealed Yourself to me at the age of sixteen, and ever since I've vowed to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. I was weak, and still am, struggling the grasp the extent of Your love and the cost of picking up the Cross, but You were patient through it all. You were and still are, the Prince of Peace, for it was because of You that when I was weak, I was and still am strong.
I'm a different person now than I was four years ago, and I know that it is all because of Your grace and new mercies each morning. Maybe I would have cried out of fear thinking that no one would remember; or out of anger as I compare myself with my peers who probably have had those grandiose birthday bashes I may probably never be able to afford - if this was two years ago. I've resolved not to cry tonight because I've decided not to let anything rob me of the joy He has bestowed upon me, but if I do -
It's because I truly know my Father loves me, and NOTHING will EVER separate me from His love.
Blessed Mid-Autumn, my non-existent readers. And happy birthday to you, future self :)
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