Opening up

I usually put in more effort when it comes to naming posts, but today I decided to go literal instead.

I've honestly never been this open about my life before. I may be an outspoken and loud person, but revealing parts of my private life has never really been a part of me. I'm pretty straightforward in most matters, but there are some things in life that seem better kept hidden from the world.

But now people know something more about me. I won't say I'm relieved to ease the burden of bearing secret, but I don't regret speaking up for myself either.

It was a real coups de theatre, except it revolved around the plot of my life and not some witty, satirical drama. I was already having issues with myself, insecure and completely disappointed in who I was and who I am. I wasn't sure if there was a person I was going to be as my perception of self continued to deter, shifting paradoxically from relatively positive to negative. As a matter of fact, I am so insecure about myself that I am actually struggling as I write this because I'm unsure whether my words display my supposed eloquence and if lackluster, will I be judged?

Anyways, back to the main point. I revealed a part of my life to a group of youth leaders during one of our event meetings. We were suppose to be supportive of one another and no one was suppose to judge one another.

I have always been very conscious about my words and actions for I am constantly ensconced in the fear that I would be judged and isolated for my opinion. I still have this fear, even now, but perhaps it has lessened since I opened up to the leaders. But for some reason, that evening, I actually allowed myself to speak, for the first time. I hesitated a little about what I was going to share because I honestly didn't know how it was suppose to be inspiring or how it would make others view me, but eventually I just let it all out verbally. And I honestly have to say, I have never felt so carefree in the course of my life.

I actually had the courage to speak about my insecurities and experience.. Those regarding how I viewed beautiful people and how I never considered myself as one. Those regarding how I felt so used by this boy whom I used to adore and call my best friend. Those were things that once pained me and probably still do. And I said them out loud.

I'm not sure if they actually took me seriously. I'm not sure if they'll judge me or spare me the benefit of the doubt. I don't know and I probably never will. But the point is, I opened up about myself. And that means something to me, if not anyone else.

I've even opened up to this friend of mine whom I've never really been close to until recently due to certain circumstances. And the thing is, I learned more about him and he learned more about me. This is something I never thought would've ever happened. There are those who give advice and there are those who are simply pretentious. But to have someone listen to me and give advice out of sincerity and good will? That's exemplary. That's rare. And I actually managed to live that experience, to see for myself that there are true friends out there.

And who do I thank now? The answer is apparent and more so inevitable.

It's God. Everything works according to His plan for His purpose.

I should be getting off now. No time to spare ranting about ridiculous notions. I have to prepare for trials.

And when I mean trials, I don't just mean SPM trials. I mean LIFE.

Mr. Brightside

I haven't been this envious in such a long time. I've never been so angry at the fact that someone else can do something better than me, is completely acknowledged for what she does and I'm left on the sidelines feeling like a loser. It feels as if everyone totally ignores me because apparently I'm not talented enough in whatever aspect I'm not good enough in.

But the thing is, I'm fully aware of it. I'm fully aware of the fact that this is all the cause of my own selfish perception and the lack of reading the Word of God. I know that. Yet I am hesitant to do anything and I completely and utterly made a fool of myself last night. I let my emotions show when that's the thing that reveals so much of how inferior I am. How absolutely stupid.

It's getting to me again. This feeling of being inferior and not good enough, it's causing me to treat people with spite and behave selfishly. I am indeed aware that everyone is made differently and there's no reason for me to compare with anyone for anything at all, but I still feel useless somehow. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm sitting for a major exam this year that everyone decides not to ask me for any favour at all or refuse to speak to me in case they are bothering me when I'm studying. Honestly, that's the last thing I want to hear (unless I really have to study) because all I ever do in school is study and when I do get some time to myself, I'd appreciate company.

And then there's the matter of trying to keep my head above water. Not literally of course, but in my relationship with God. All this insecurity is definitely self-instilled and not the fault of some other perfect being because I accidentally left open a door for Satan to enter. And now my thoughts are tainted with this worldly nature of insecurity and inferiority for the fact that nobody notices what I am good for. So I acknowledge that and I try to come to God, but all I hear is silence. No divine occurrence causing emotional stirs. Just nothing.

So my faith is challenged. And I am not doing much about it. Actually to be exact, I don't know what to do about it. I've succumbed to busying myself with things like revision, homework and watching television so I don't have to come to terms with it but I know I must see to it someday.

But somehow, just not today. I've been focusing a lot on my homework lately that the silence and the workload is taking a toll on my social ability. I don't speak well, I don't write well (actually I haven't written at all since I achieved that ambitious feat of finishing a full mock for poetry) and I don't express myself well. Nobody knows, nobody cares and nobody's there.

I'm just another person with problems to solve. Although God is there, I feel as if He is not.

So what do I do at this point?

Quick one

I MANAGED TO COMPLETE A FULL MOCK FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

VICTORY!