Throughout my life, I can safely say that never once have I ever felt a permanent sense of social belonging. For one, I've never arrived at a point where I've totally conformed towards the values and behaviors of a social group. I could be well-acquainted with how things are run within the circle, or even pick up particular attributes that very well mark the individual with the collective, but I've never been known to totally immerse myself in the specifics and in turn, become one with the group. As much as I drive myself to exert the characteristics synonymous to the environment I am thrust into, there is no point of finality, or so to speak, social nirvana, for me. I will never bring myself to say that I truly belong, for there is always bound to be something that exhibits me as uncommon, or peculiar, to say the least.
Within every social group, there are a key set of characteristics that each member is well acquainted with and will exert in the course of their membership. It's a given fact, whether consciously or subconsciously, that we tend to bind ourselves to a code of conduct in order to reinforce our identities via the institutions that provide them. Even I cannot distinguish myself from this rule, for man is a social animal and therefore, I am. Most of the time however, I tend to lie on a continuum when it comes to the supposed ratio of compatibility I possess with members of a certain social group. As a result, I easily tire myself from the endeavors I forcibly participate in. Every day, I am reminded that assimilation is the general order, and conformity the price I pay to dissociate from my penchant of insecurity. I am barely amused by the living souls that contribute energy towards the sustenance of a circle, and I often find most people appalling.
Frankly, I am also aware that this distaste is mutual on their part. I could very well be minding my own business, expressing my personal thoughts towards any individual, and a particular character will somewhat find a way to spit out rebuttals with a waterfall of sarcastic phrases, gushing out to evoke fury within whom these statements are directed to. Suddenly, I am aware - aware that I do not belong where I am not accepted, where I am not loved, and that I should go.
Occasionally, I do find the exceptional human being in this endless search for solace. I am well attracted to the intellectual, philosophical mind, but it is just the same with a soul of sheer simplicity. I constantly admire how pure the latter's aspirations are, how little the expectations they hold unto life, and how easily amused and entertained they are, a trait reinforced by their oblivion towards sarcasm and dark humor. Their emotions are genuine - so utterly untainted, unlike the superficiality displayed by the average, ignorant person.
As for the former, I've always been intrigued by the cerebration of a complex mind, and it brings me comfort to know that there are others like myself, who still exist in this world and are determined to deconstruct it mentally, even if it meant to dwell in an alternate reality and take the path less traversed upon. Nevertheless, this faction remains in a relatively small number, and I have known some of them long enough to have seen them switch allegiances, giving way to peer pressure. Ultimately, I've seen some become so immersed in assimilating that they somewhat lose themselves in the process. I guess tragedy is inevitable.
As for the former, I've always been intrigued by the cerebration of a complex mind, and it brings me comfort to know that there are others like myself, who still exist in this world and are determined to deconstruct it mentally, even if it meant to dwell in an alternate reality and take the path less traversed upon. Nevertheless, this faction remains in a relatively small number, and I have known some of them long enough to have seen them switch allegiances, giving way to peer pressure. Ultimately, I've seen some become so immersed in assimilating that they somewhat lose themselves in the process. I guess tragedy is inevitable.
Nevertheless, with every entry into and departure from the factions that have actively crafted my social web, I become enlightened. By building rapport with the people I am surrounded with, I learn a little more about the myriad of human attitudes towards life and the general demeanor they exude. With every conflict that rises within the circle, I probe into the complexities of human character and classify them into categories where need be. Ultimately, I generalize - I take into account the collective culture of a social circle and put them into boxes to be neatly tucked away in the recesses of my mind.
And that is why I have titled this post as such, for I see myself as an anthropologist - a social scientist who studies the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans. Traditionally, anthropologists studied tribal groups but as there are no "undiscovered" groups remaining in the world, the focus of anthropology has shifted to industrializing and agricultural societies. It's a flexible and progressive field of study, don't you think?
Academia aside, I somewhat find this analogy rather adequate in describing my current circumstances. Perhaps things aren't as dull and uninspiring as it seems, but my judgment has been rather clouded as of late. I know I should be dwelling on the Word of God more frequently and I do find clarity upon reading scriptures, but there are moments when I just can't help but concoct secularist queries which somewhat undermine the ability of faith. I guess now that I've penned all of this down, I've got my answer and should therefore move on with my life.
But I am curious to know, what say you?
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