Venti

I know I said I'd be on hiatus until finals is over, but I don't think I can stuff anymore Biology facts into my mind (because clearly my brain is not a giant, delicious roasted turkey) and I really need to vent after all that's happened in the past week.

Last week, up until yesterday night, I was successfully able to screw up my life by getting into a car accident at night, not prepare for my IPC and film presentations and just yesterday, destroy the trust of a friend come acquaintance who had been faithfully giving me rides to and fro campus pro bono. And the most devastating part of all of this, was that it all could have been avoided if only I had listen to my head and not my heart.

My parents tell me it's all part of a learning process. Their final sentence, after everything I've been able to say to them in shame and utter agony is never beyond, "You can't change what has happened. Learn from it." I honestly gotta admit, it pains me when I hear that, because time and time again I tell myself to shake it off and move on, but I end up screwing myself over - each and every single time. It's a vicious cycle, and it bites me so hard that I find myself unable to stand up again after each fall. I am always so astonished at how easily I fall for temptation, even after having reinforced it in my head over and over again. Upon sharing this with a friend, he remarked, "Temptation is ever present, and it will always be the pitfall of man." I don't recall exactly what it was he said, but I know it was somewhere along those lines. And damn, that hit me hard.

So what else would I have classically done, if not dwell in a little introspection and abashedly, self-pity? I will be honest, it didn't appear to me that way until I'd prayed last night, crying myself to sleep and discovering this startling epiphany in the morning. Every single time I'd made a bad mistake, all I'd ever do is burst into tears and start hating myself. I'd condemn myself for being such an incompetent person, and I'd verbally abuse myself into believing I was a dumb fool, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I couldn't very well blame anyone else for my incompetence because I made that decision, in spite of knowing what I really needed to do, so there. Therefore, it always boiled down to wallowing in self-blame, self-hate and inevitably, self-pity.

Last night however, as I recalled everything that happened to my parents, pathetically sobbing in the car, I realized I can't go on with such an attitude. I can't simply just react after something bad happens and expect people to sympathize with me. I can't just cry and expect the other person whom I've hurt to feel my pain and see me swallow my own guilt. I can't just "shake it off" and pretend nothing ever happened. I can't just do all of that, because life doesn't resolve itself - YOU DO. Instead, I realize now that I have to come clean and own up for my mistakes. I have to say "I'm sorry" not because I want to garner responses of "It's okay, it's not your fault", but because I genuinely am apologizing for my mistakes. I have to ACCEPT that whatever has happened, has indeed happened, and I can only remember not to repeat the same mistakes again if I am to effectively move on.

And so I prayed last night, the way I haven't prayed in weeks. I turned to the Bible and I practiced speaking in tongues. I initiated control over the situation, and asked God for help. In Philippians 4:6-7 it says, "Do not be anxious for anything but in everything through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Never had I seen such a profound significance in the reading of the scripture since I was last on fire for God, which was a really long time ago. I won't say it's a flame yet, but there's definitely a spark. As far as chasing after God goes, however, patience is the order of the day, and I don't instantly reap what I sow.

Nevertheless, I am confident that soon I will regain my composure. Two nights ago I dreamt of the accident, and it all happened too vividly. I saw myself unconscious of the fact that I was driving, and as a result, I'd slammed the brakes all too quickly when I realized I'd have to come to a halt in order not to hit the car in front. And then the sound of the crash, resounding in the dream. Twice, and then some. I woke up in a state of anxiety, and I was afraid again. It was as if a mixtape of a trance track titled, "It was all your fault" kept replaying in the music player of my mind. I only told my mum and a close friend of mind about this, and now, this invisible dwelling of a literary amateur, yours truly. Having said all of this, I acknowledge I need to face my demons. I need to say "NO" when I have to. I need to be conscious of the decisions that I make, and evaluate the consequences of performing a certain action before I proceed with anything. There will not be a next time, in the simplest of terms. I will not succumb to reckless driving. I will not let the circumstances dictate how I fare - it should be otherwise.

The other thing my mum said to me was to establish focus. From the very beginning, my very aim was to get to a university in the United States and graduate with a bachelor's degree in psychology and a minor in mass communications. It didn't matter where God would have placed me, as long as the university is reputable and offers financial aid. Ivy League was out of my, well, league. But it didn't matter. There were other ways I could still achieve that, even if it had to happen a little later in life. Anyhow, with that goal in mind, my priority was to achieve academic and co-curricular excellence here in Malaysia before I transferred over to the States. Fair enough, as far as I've come, God has enabled me to achieve that, and even made it a bonus that I got to serve him as part of my ECAs, with my involvement in the Christian Fellowship. How could I have asked for more?

And yet what did I do this year to undermine that goal? First, I made a rash decision to get into a relationship because everything seemed so novel to me and I thought I'd "try it out". Once I got out of that blunder, I unconsciously went ahead to seek refuge from a group of friends, whom I felt would help me transition back into life better and I unintentionally led on a friend of mine to believe that I was interested in getting attached again. And if that wasn't enough, I'd went on to make a lot more stupid decisions to break my curfew, go out even though I knew I should be obedient to my parents and rip off the bandages of my unhealed wounds, thinking it was all gonna be fine. All that also came with a couple of damages I caused my car, and allowing myself to listen to negative thoughts as well as dismiss God so many times I cannot count. The more recent events encompass what I've said about last week.

So there, you see now what a mess I really am? As much as I'd overestimated the force of humanity to empathize with others, it really is my fault for setting myself up for failure. Thus, I will stop attempting to appease others and focus on the goal at hand, which is all of the above (two paragraphs above) and make sure I achieve it. Everything else is of less importance. And since I now have every bit of control of how I want to live my life, I will surround myself with people who are set on the same goals, who I can effectively encourage and expect to have their encouragement. The rest I shall keep at an arm's length, so I do not allow peer pressure to blow me apart and that I do not impose the pressure of academic excellence on those who have other aspirations in life.

But really, the one thing that struck me last night was what my dad said. I don't always talk to my dad, and when I do, we always end up arguing. We're both outspoken people, and we are professionals at asserting what we believe in with the most amplified of vocals, and therefore, our difference in opinion always results in verbal clashes. However, last night, my dad spoke for something he believed in not to undermine my opinion, but to provide insight. My dad imparted to me last night that there is no such thing as perfection - no one can be perfect, at any degree of attempt. He even went on to say that if you set yourself up to be perfect, you will indefinitely fail and if you expect that of your fellow peers, you will be greatly disappointed. I'd never seen myself as a perfectionist, but what he said exposed that facade of my personality. I won't say I'm ashamed of it, but I was then aware of it. And it was true, what my dad said. I had to make allowances for the mistakes and shortcomings of others, because I certainly was and still am susceptible to them myself. I could not expect others to be perfect, or even have the sense to empathize with my thoughts and beliefs because I have the same problems doing so, myself.

If there's anything good that came out of the self-imposed crap I had to undertake last week, it's clarity. All that introspection has somewhat rendered me constantly tired, but at least I don't have to carry this weight on my shoulders anymore. While I'm bombarded with a flashback of the past every now and then, I'm making a conscious decision to dismiss that thought and recite scriptures. I sometimes think God is crazy for wanting to test me with such difficult obstacles, but with every step I overcome, I become stronger.

Come to think of it, it's kinda like the obstacles are the ribosomes, and my increasing strength is the polypeptides synthesized from mRNA, which is likened to my character, by the ribosomes. The obstacles produce the best of me.

I seriously should get back to studying for finals.