Overcoming pride (Part 2)

Before I carry on, allow me to apologize for the pride expressed in my previous post. I know I've highlighted many injustices that I felt my fellow brothers in Christ have had against me, but I have come to realize that it is not for me to say who is right or wrong. After all, we are all the epitome of human imperfection and even I am not free from sin, from the making of mistakes. I still possess very strong emotions myself and I am learning to handle them by relying on His strength. In spite of that, I must say, lately I've been quite successful at converting most of my rage into tears. It might sound peculiar to everyone else, but personally it brings me great joy because I know once I've shed them, I remember what He has done for me and the transformation He pioneers in my life that will come into full completion in time.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize for the comments I have made in my previous post and I am assured that in addressing these issues with guidance from the Holy Spirit, slowly I will cease to withhold distaste or even hatred against anyone.

I'll be frank, I wasn't planning on blogging today because I have many other commitments to abide by such as my IR quiz tonight, my TOEFL test tomorrow (keep me in prayer!) and my research proposal due next week. These evils have rendered me trapped within the confines of my room in an attempt to study, but having read the books of 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible a couple of moments ago, I felt there was a need to jot down some of the Scriptures that I felt spoke to me. There were a few Scriptures that stood out as I recited it out loud, but I'll share just one of them here as I feel it relates to some of the issues I've been having with regards to the realm of relationships - between brethren, that is.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been ensconced in a conflict with one of my sibling in Christs for quite some time now. I stated that a difference in ideals and temperance were the sole causes of this matter, but now I'm beginning to see that the problem does partly have to do with myself as well. I've had many experiences myself in relationships that see a clash in opinion as a daily undertaking, but never have I in my entire life resolved to overcome the issue. If something ever turned out bad a couple of years ago, you would have seen my back turned against the person I was conflicted with, never to speak to them ever again. I saw that as the most grandiose of solutions as well as a permanent resolve to most conflicts, and for many years it remained that way.

However, the Vivian I was 4 years ago and the Vivian I am right now are two different people altogether. The person I was a couple years back was one inclined towards retaliation and revenge. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I was always out to justify my right, my stand and I relied on the views of others to remain steadfast as a person. Upon glancing at today's circumstances, I must admit I still hold some of the same emotions. I still have some of my wounds with me although they're beginning to clot and dry up. Soon they will be scars - marks that will remind me of the mistakes I once made, the sin I once took joy in before I regularly repented and renewed my mind. The only contrast between then and now would be that my mindset is beginning to take a turn. I'm starting to see that leaving is not as great of a solution as I thought it would be.

A lot of self-motivation and psychology-related reading material and talk shows tell us to favor the growth of our self-esteem over trying to be a nice person. They advocate happiness and not allowing ourselves to feel hurt or pain with the reason being that our destiny as an individual is too important. Often, we see this as an answer to all our relationship problems and thus, we choose to shun people out of our lives before even having the chance to evaluate the whys and hows of the conflict itself. We think we are too important as a person to deal with any conflict because our comfort as a person is more crucial to ourselves. It then becomes a lot about us, us and US. Now, I'm not saying that every fallout is always going to be on our account - there are some people that we're going to have to let go of in our lives, such as those who continue to speak negatively into our lives out of despise, jealousy or hatred. But if a recurring pattern of conflict begins to emerge in your life, would that not be a sign for us to begin looking at the bigger picture? Shouldn't we cease counting the faults of others and gaze at the people we've let ourselves become to others?

As I mentioned earlier, my immediate resolve as a person then would always be to remove any individual that induced provocation or what I viewed as discouragement from my life for the sake of my happiness. I often thought it was just easier to remove people from my life if I couldn't understand how their personality came to be and upon what foundations where they birthed from. It was easy enough to do with people who didn't share the same faith with me and it was much more common to contemplate it whenever it had to do with people who shared the same Christian faith as I do. My pride and my emotions were top priority.

But I've come to realize that the key isn't to prevent myself from getting hurt - it's to know who to allow to hurt you.

This year, I have answered a call from God to turn away from my old resolutions. I still struggle with my pride almost every day, but being conscious about my thoughts has helped me gain a new mindset in Christ. Anyway, the Bible scripture that stood out to me earlier was 2 Timothy 2:23-26.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants."

Upon reading this, I knew He was speaking to me. There have been many instances in which I feel that some of my brethren in Christ are still bound to the ways of the world and have fallen prey numerous times to lethargy and idleness, and I feel hard-heartedly that I must correct them. I always feel the constant need to tell some people off that what they are doing does not align with the Bible, especially after having a Scripture slammed in my face so as to convict me. And I know very well that sometimes I misuse Scripture just to get back at a person who criticizes me, in which they likewise employ to counter me and before I know it, minor arguments have escalated into a full-fledged verbal war in which attacks below the belt are prone. A terrible example of stewardship, I know. Sigh.

Nevertheless, it is said in 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," So no, discouragement is not the essence of these revelations - repentance is. I know I have this problem, and I must rely on Him to solve it. Sometimes people may say something to criticize me as a person and I know I won't like it. Chances are, I'd bite back and worse, with the Bible. But the Bible says not to get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments. Therefore, I must evaluate the validity of the criticisms given as well as the intention of the person offering the piece of criticism. If I simply dismiss someone without performing these evaluations, I might have missed out on an opportunity to make right what is wrong simply because I assume all criticism is for the worse. Now, I realize that it is not.

Also, if I know that a sibling in Christ is not obeying the Word of God and if worse, is going against it, I shouldn't be harsh on them but exercise patience. After all, we are to patiently correct, rebuke and encourage people with good teaching (2 Timothy 4:2). And I should never, ever, ever use the Word of God to criticize people out of spite. Whatever I do should be on account of love and concern, as He constantly reminds me to do. Man, these are some tough things to abide by if I had to figure it out on my own.

Again, writing has provided me with liberation. I've been on the brink of wanting to eliminate people from my life again simply because I don't see eye-to-eye with them and I have distaste for them within me, but I'm really gonna need God's strength to help me pull through. But I believe that as long as He sustains me and I rely completely on His strength, I will be the most patient person on the face of this earth. EVER. Like, I mean it.

And hopefully, these efforts will be mutual on the other party's part. I don't expect that it be, because then my obedience would be painted with selfish ambition, but yeah, I really hope things are bound to change as I slowly begin to change as a person.

So there you go, another testimony on the undertakings in reducing the level of pride within me. Thanks again for reading, all you non-existent readers out there :)