Meanwhile, I suppose I will share some of the thoughts I've had in this past week. Some of my thoughts I have come to realize some are not words spoken into me by the Heavenly Father, but negative things I have begun to pick up from the voice of the world. I guess not having to actively rebuke these voices that speak negatively in my head in this past week due to the taxing funeral rites back in my dad's hometown has taken a slight, if not sizeable toll on me. In spite of that, God has proven faithful and the Word has been an invaluable tool in asserting myself in Christ.
Just last week I was so on fire for God, speaking into people's lives and having Him use me to empower and convict other people. I felt such great joy and encouragement having to do His work and having received so much revelation from the Planetshakers Conference that I felt almost invincible. I could sense His presence and love almost all the time, and it was just amazing. And crazy. I'd begun to hear Him so well that I just knew in my heart that there was no turning back. I had dedicated my entire life to Jesus and I would love Him, walk with Him and serve Him in spite of all forms of persecution and under any circumstances. I didn't think I could ever live any other way than to constantly feel the love of the Heavenly Father and rest in Him, abandoning the rest of the world for a godly pursuit.
But that isn't all there is to walking with Jesus. That isn't the whole point of Christianity. Yes, God tells us to abide in Him, to rest in Him and to seek to be in His love at all times (Matthew 11:28), but we cannot forget that we still live on this earth for His purpose. He has called us to be the salt and light, and in my opinion, it is probably the hardest thing any Christian would have to do in their lives - abandon all sense of individual purpose and seek to fulfill the collective purpose God has called us for - to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit (Matthew 28:19). If you've read this blog long enough or perhaps know me in person for a considerable amount of time, you'd probably have picked up that I value obscurity. I don't care for people who have similar interests and talents with me because I find them competition and my sole purpose in life then was to ensure that my individuality was kept esteemed above everything else. Fortunately, God convicted me of my pride and constant pangs of jealousy over others, and now I really don't care much for individuality or obscurity. Occasionally I do have second thoughts about doing certain things or buying certain products because someone else has already pioneered these things, but where the kingdom of God and people are concerned - I'm letting it slide.
Nevertheless, I'm not here to gloat about how perfect life has turned out to be with Christ. I still struggle, and I know I have not achieved perfection which Jesus undeniably embodied. Daily, I am sometimes threatened by the world that I momentarily forget what God has done in my life and the purpose I am striving to fulfill as a Christian, and I fall. I get angry and I feel hurt. I shed tears when the pain becomes overbearing, and all this simply because I chose to listen to the voice of the world and not the voice of God. In fact, this past week I've found myself being hurt by parents and peers in the CF I'm involved in, as a result of that. I've shared my testimony about how God taught me to honor my parents to so many people and I've seen people being spoken to by God due to that, and yet I still feel hurt. Sometimes I feel that in spite of my efforts, my cry out to God with a desire to honor my parents and to honor my peers in CF by not taking personally their insults as well as their constant pointing out of my faults, I feel tired.
I feel exhausted trying to love them, to forgive them and even to focus on their positive points simply because the honor isn't mutual. I respect that they have differences (God knows if I've done otherwise and He will convict me and tell me if I'm wrong) in opinion relative to mine, but they don't seem to respect my opinions. All I've ever gotten from my peers at CF (some, not all) is constant dismissal of my thoughts and enthusiasm, a lack of empathy over some of the issues I go through and the usual "Oh she's just being a girl" stigma. As per my parents, it's always been about how I should control my temper and not let it overwhelm me, or how I shouldn't feel bothered or hurt by something if I've been completely healed by God. While it's true that if my emotional wounds were healed I wouldn't take offense over the things others say against me or against God's will for my life, I would really appreciate an apology. I find that the worst blows don't come from those who do not know God and have something to say about my faith, but from those who are walking with me and collectively striving to do our best for Christ.
Also, I cannot ask for those who do not abide by the same Christian values to say they're sorry because they do not understand. However, I'm often hurt when those who do know the value of an apology choose not to offer it anyway because of their pride. I know I shouldn't take offense and someday when I'm completely healed I won't, but as a person I feel the least anyone can do is to say they are sorry, no matter who's fault it is. I know I've done it before and I'm not saying I don't sometimes forget to say I'm sorry, but recently God has really been convicting me to apologize to people I've unconsciously uttered mean comments to, regardless of their level of sensitivity. If I need to be the salt and light of the earth, the least I can do is to ensure that the words I speak into the lives of others are building and if they have not been, I must rebuke it and own up for whatever I have said. It has been one of the most awkward and difficult endeavors I have attempted in my life, but knowing that God's plan and purpose for us is not to bring us destruction, but to prosper us and give us a hope and a future, it is the right thing to do that I must do it at all costs.
In a way, I guess that's my weakness. I'm still easily hurt by Christians, and I often put such high standards on them because I feel that as a person of God, the Heavenly Father would easily convict a person to do the things that please Him, such as honor. That's my ideal perspective. But we all know the world is not an ideal place, and every Christian is still learning to walk with God, which theoretically means some people have not reached that level of understanding or knowledge just yet. I should be more forgiving and understanding I suppose, instead of taking offense over every little thing those closest to me have said negatively. I'd still appreciate that apology though, and I feel people should stop assuming that a Christian who lacks patience now will always be a Christian who lacks patience. That isn't true, and we should stop labelling people for a certain vice, because God's duty is not to allow us to remain who we are, but to break us and mold us into better people. A painful process really, as I speak from current and past experience, but definitely worthwhile. The best we can do is to give them the benefit of the doubt, instead of predicting what their next course of action will be.
To sum it all up, the lesson learnt today is that not taking offense is part and parcel of overcoming pride. As human beings, pride is pretty much inevitable. It has always been about attaining what is in our best interests at the expense of someone else's joy. Sure, there are solutions that permit a reciprocity of benefits, but as humans we are always tempted to be dominant and to get what we want. The world is seen as a dog eat dog world, and an eye for an eye remains a key point in our relationships with others.
But what we must realize, or at least what I have realized from reading the Word is that these things that we see which build us, are the very things that destroy us. For the Bible says in Proverbs 16:18;
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
And in James 4:6, which I find even more profound;
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
I'm glad I decided to write this post. Bottling up these feelings of pain and anxiety have been taxing, and I find being stuffed up in contempt just prevents us from hearing clearly the voice of God. I'm definitely hearing Him a lot clearer now as you may have picked up from some points in this post as I'm writing partly on my understanding of it all and what He has to say to what I think. I don't know if this counts as a testimony, and I surely don't know if this will connect or appeal with anyone, but I know that I'm not here to please anyone, but God. And if writing this is going to unleash worldly judgment upon me, so be it. I've done my part and I'm trusting God to take me to the next level.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you. Thank you for staying with me. God bless you and have a splendid time ahead! Until next time :)
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