Daddy cool

It really is strange hanging out with the one person I've been known to take after.

My rotten temper, aggressiveness and ability to overthink things have always been attributed to my dad. I've lived most of my life trying to play these vices down, burying them deep within me so they wouldn't show on the outside. People were scared of that, and all I wanted was to be loved, to be accepted.

But I've realized that it isn't fair. There are many great things that I got from my dad. By the grace of God, I inherited his honesty. His intelligence. His ability to rationalize life, and the things around him. And let's not forget his paralyzing sense of humor. I learned to be courageous from him, to dream BIG in life and to never rest on my laurels.

Nevertheless, by shoving the unpretty parts I got my from my dad, I unknowingly subdued the entirety of my father's existence in my own life and denied myself of the person God had created me to be.

As I hung out with him today, it was like looking at a mirror. We were both connoisseurs of introspection, and the way we partook of it was similar. It's uncanny, and it freaks me out sometimes.

Honestly, if you ask me, I'm really scared. I'm afraid of coming to terms with the resurfacing pieces of myself that I've kept hidden for so long.

My dad isn't the best father in the world. He's made mistakes; some of which have rubbed off in my life. And I think it's pretty obvious that he's really not perfect. And so am I.

But he's my dad, and he is in that part of me that God knitted into me when I was created. It is beautiful. It deserves to be acknowledged, it deserves to be embraced, and it deserves to be cared for. God created me wonderfully and fearfully, just as he did with everyone else.

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in, because these traits I inherited aren't exactly likeable. Admit it, no one likes a know-it-all, which I am frequently found guilty of being. No one is in favor of the Devil's advocate, which I often am, because I like pulling things from beneath the rug and talking about them. Silence is something I have become fond of, because people seem to be afraid when I speak boldly about the things I believe in, or because what ensues is the consequences of my speech.

I wasn't made to be somebody else. I was made in such a way, for an intended purpose.

However, that doesn't mean I stay this way forever. When I became a follower of Christ, I died to myself. I decided to give up the liberty of living my life, my way and let Him shape my life the way He has called for it to be. I don't deny the fact that I have inherited some of the vices my dad, and perhaps even the entirety of my dad's family has held onto.

I have so much more to learn, and so much more to grow.

I need to, and want to grow in the fruits of the Spirit.

I want to let go of the horrendous anger I deal with on a regular basis.

I want to freely love, without fear of what others think about me.

I want to be honest, but say it out of love and not condemnation, or self-righteousness.

I know that in order for these things to be mended and molded by the hands of God, I need to realize that I have this part of me, and it is there for a purpose.

And now I do. I will not deny myself of these things, and let God work through me.

Two things today:

1. My dad isn't perfect, and I have a part of him that is now acknowledged and embraced.

2. I was wonderfully and fearfully made, for a PURPOSE. God will use whatever that is in me, for His glory. Regardless of the good and the bad, He will transform it for the better.

I truly am grateful, for both my earthly and Heavenly Father. I couldn't ask for more.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

- Romans 8:28

Solitude '14

The last time I wrote about solitude was about a year ago.

I was in a confused state then, having just ended a relationship I knew God had determined was not holy. I craved the world, trying to hold onto it inch-by-inch, even though I knew in my heart that the only way to eternal life was for my carnal self to die, and for the Holy Spirit in me, to live. I'm not gonna let my guard down on anything, but I think I am spiritually secure enough to say that things have changed since.

Solitude bears a different meaning for me now.

When I think of being alone in my room, I don't see isolation. Instead, I see connection - a connection to the Heavenly Father. When I am alone, not just in my room, but wherever it is I may be, I am focused on Him. I can hear Him speak to me, I can hear Him counsel me and He comforts me.

When I am alone, I am with my Father, who teaches me right from wrong, who rebukes me for my sin, who reminds me of the greatest price He paid so I could be saved, so I could be loved, infinitely and unconditionally.

When I am in solitude, I can see the words from His word, surface above the page to embolden me. I can freely share my thoughts with Him, both good or evil, and listen as the Word is being recited in my heart, either to edify or to rebuke me.

The Holy Spirit is the loudest in moments of silence, in moments of solitude.

I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I thought I must've been strange to sometimes want to whisk myself away from this world and be alone for a bit. And often being alone led me to usher in negative thoughts, and I dwelled in those for hours.

But I've realized now, that the solitude wasn't purposed for me to wallow in the whims and fancies of Satan.

It's for me to call God, and talk to Him, about anything. God gave me the desire to spend moments alone so I could spend them with Him. I tell Him about work and the silly things my colleagues say or do. I tell Him about how tired I am on a nine-to-five and my desire to quit. I tell Him about church, about how I love serving Him. And I also tell Him about how tired I feel in doing so many things in church, and having to be let down by people at church countless times and yet not be able to take offense. I show how stubborn I am about wanting to see change in myself, because I think it is too difficult. I tell Him about that guy I really like even though it's really embarrassing. I tell Him about how scared I am to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be forced to settle for something less than the best I see for myself.

And God replies me too.

He tells me to be salt and light on this earth, especially to people at work who don't know Him or who do but have not lived out the lives He has called us to live. He tells me not to compromise spending time with Him because I am nothing with Him and He calls me to rest in Him, in His love. He tells me that He has a great calling for people in church, and that all of us in His kingdom have fallen short of glory because we are still very much people. He tells me that His plan is bigger than the one He had for this world, and that I should trust Him and not people. He also tells me that people are like one another - they hurt and sometimes they say or do stupid things, but His love helps them repent and move on from those things. He goes on to tell me not to stop - to finish the race and fight the good fight and press on towards the goal. He tells me to stop listening to that evil dude who keeps trying to ruin His plans. He could have rolled His eyes when I bring up the topic of life partners again, but again, He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are greater than mine and I should just calm down and trust Him. He also tells me that I am to work on my relationships with people at church, at work and especially with my family.

It's really not so bad being alone at times. We need this solitude in life at times, so we can talk to God and hear what He has to say. We need it because we need Him to refresh us, and often we are only refreshed when we are not distracted and alone with Him.

We need to be alone, just so we can spend time with God.

“But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.” 

-Habakkuk 2:20

Nuggets: Distracted

"But God, I-

"You just need to look to Me."

"My thoughts keep drifting away!" I protested.

"Focus on Me."

"I can't, there's all these people-

"Keep your eyes on Me."

I was on the brink of tears. "This is hard. It's just, impossible."

"Abide in Me. I am all you need," He said.

"I know, but that doesn't mean I don't have to try."

He is adamant. "There's no need to."

"But-

"Didn't I already pay the price?"

"Yeah..."

"I sent Jesus to do the things you couldn't do. No one can save themselves. There's absolutely NOTHING else You can do, but rely on Me."

I had no words left, only His.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

What else could I say?

"Okay, God. Okay."

Maybe, definitely

So maybe sports isn't so bad after all.

I still haven't gotten a chance to practice playing frisbee, but I got to try it out. I played captain ball today after Alpha, and hey, it wasn't too bad. It was pretty fun, although I do admit I could learn to spread out on the playing field and catch the ball more effectively.

But hey, it was pretty great.

So maybe this fellowship thing is working out too.

I've been talking to God about having something like this happen, because I believe fellowship was key in building relationships with others, though the purpose of Alpha was to introduce Christ to those who have yet to know Him. I spoke about it to one of my bros over dinner the other night, saying that perhaps there needs to be more effort gone into fellowship and more utility in Alpha as an evangelistic tool, but he pretty much just said "Relationships take time" and "We're not to shun the gospel down someone's throat" in response. I'm not quite sure he got what I meant seeing that those responses were a bit on the extreme side, but I don't blame him. I guess everyone has a different take on how the course of relationships should take place, but I personally feel that it's about time some of us (other than me) hung out with Megs.

When I reminisce my time in CF, I am reminded of how friendly and hospitable we all were to one another. It was such a great example of the overflowing of the Father's love, that we could not contain our love for Him that we let it overflow into the lives of others by displaying the same love. I wanted that to happen in church, but I wasn't sure if my heart was right when it came to this; I wondered if I was being a little biased since I had spent more than a year in CF and barely invested in relationships in church, or if I was having unrealistic expectations about what church should be, and was comparing things again to CF. Thus, I decided not to tread that ground over dinner with the others, especially since that bro replied as such.

But God is faithful. He knew what was in my heart, and He assured me that He had everything under control.

Megs*, Day* and I went out for Boat Noodle after captain ball today. Initially, it was just gonna be Megs and I, as usual, having our Sunday night hangout sesh, because most people were having dinner with their families, not excluding Day himself. However, after a phone call, he decided he could join us because his plans with his family got called off. So we headed off to Jaya One together and got to chatter over food. It was pretty funny (because Day's jokes are extremely hilarious and LAME) and I think Day and Megs got to know each other slightly better.

And the craziest thing was, I didn't even speak to Day about this since I got put off the other day. But God knew better.

In all, I praise the Lord, for His faithfulness. Although I'm not too sure how things will turn out over the next couple of weeks, but I am sure that God's ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I only need to trust in the work that He is doing, that He will bring it into completion, and I must be obedient to His call and linger in His love at all times. He did it today, and I'm sure there is more, in time to come.

So maybe I don't have to get what I want to be happy.

I know this appears to come from an unknown place, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't have to be with someone who is my "type" to be happy. I had the opportunity to share a brief account of my past relationship in accordance with how God answered prayers, and it suddenly dawned upon me that the person I am currently attracted to was pretty much the same type of guy I dated, in my previous relationship. Well sure, there were several attributes in their personality that were different, but all in all, they were similar in terms of physical attributes. And so I'm starting to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that God did not or has not allowed anything to happen between us because He knew better than for me to be tempted and make the same dumb mistake I made last year.

Sure, I'm a little stronger than I was before, but as strong as I am spiritually, I will always need to be anchored to God, because in my own strength I am weak. The weakness of God is greater than my strength. God knows what I need, and maybe, just maybe, He knows I don't need this particular person to make me happy. It could be anyone, and I need to let Him let His plan come into fruition.

Of course, that does not mean I shun every other guy who seems to be my "type" because I think that's what God's plan is. It's still a maybe, after all, but hey, I'd like to keep an open mind about His will, though I am determined to be shut towards anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God.

So definitely, I'd say today was a great day. In fact, this entire week has been pretty amazing.

I made a conscious decision to focus on others instead of myself, I allowed others to speak into my life and rebuke me, and I let myself be honest not just to others, but to myself. I've realized that sometimes I allow things to be complicated, when really it's all so simple. I was also reminded that there are many people, especially my family members, who love me, regardless of whether they understand me or not. They truly care, and whether I am okay or not okay, as long as they are aware of how I've been doing, they are assured about me and glad.

I think my shards are slowly becoming visible to others, but that's okay. Everyone is broken, and I'm broken too. I'm sometimes concerned about what people would say when they see the broken pieces of my life that I've concealed for so long, but I really don't care anymore what people say. I only need Jesus, and I know that He'll make things come together for my good.

And so will He, for all those who love Him and His kingdom :)

* Names have been changed in reverence of the individuals referred to above and the acknowledgement of their right to privacy