I'm going home for the summer, and I'm not sure why.
Three months ago, when I booked those tickets home, I had so many things on my mind. I would switch my probationary driving license for a competent driving license. I would go to Cambodia for a few weeks, then spend the rest of summer in an internship program. I would start video project with one of my church friends back home to share the stories of fellow Malaysians who have been in the United States. I would travel to Ipoh and Penang, hopefully with good company. I would find a reason to go hiking, and hopefully find people who would embark on these adventures (real ones, not merely food ones) with me. I would also make it a point to visit churches in the vicinity of KL, and hopefully hear from the Lord about the decision to be a part of a different church.
But right now, I feel so empty. I know for a fact that this happens when I'm in a period of transition. I just finished my first semester and all the friends I made in the past few months are graduating. I've also gotten so accustomed to life in West Texas that I find it all so strange just returning back to Malaysia. I feel like I've grown and learned so much here, that I'm afraid when I go home, I'll lose the progress I've made.
Yet, I guess I really shouldn't be afraid. Come to think of it, what do I really cherish and put my hope in? My own ability? My knowledge of my horrendous ability to deal with minors? The convenience of life in the U.S.? The bible classes I've taken? The benevolence of my peers?
No. It's Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.
It seems like there's just so much I'm taking on, and I'm afraid I won't make it. On the other hand, I feel like I might make all these things a priority that I would forget the one I choose to glorify in my doing.
As these things are revealed to me, I'm scared. The closer I draw to God, the further I realize, I am from Him. As I take on this journey of faith, I have come to realize there is no end point. There is no utter perfection. We are given grace and the power of the Holy Spirit to discern and stay away from sin, but we are not completely void of it. We are still in our earthly bodies.
And in that, I've realized that I need God. I can never do it on my own. To rely on myself and do it on my own would be to diminish the power of the cross, which is eminent through our weakness. Yet, in all occasions, prior, present and future, God is always glorified. His glory is never magnified, because it is in itself, magnificent. But it is revealed as such in his righteousness, in his judgment and in his showing of grace to us.
So I'm confused. I'm tearful. I'm on a 20 hour flight tomorrow (including the layover) and I'm not sure what to expect. I might get off the plane, I might not. And if do I step out of the plane, I only know there will be humidity and the presence of my family members, but I do not know what else lies ahead of me. I know there are plans I have made, but I do not know if they will ever come to fruition.
Yet I am assured that God has it all in His hands, for His great purpose.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow.
