My t-shirt smells like haze

No kidding, my t-shirt does smell of haze. I'm assuming that it ended up in the laundry two days ago, when the haze was still prevalent in the air. Anyhow, I can only be glad that I no longer have to deal with irregular breathing patterns or even facial perspiration to say the least, given that masks were the order of the day.

Other than that, I do think the subject above would do well as a post title as it increases my chances of coming across it someday, in case I decide on an impromptu basis to reflect on the occurrences of my life only to find such an oddly named post existent in my archives. Having stated this, I hereby reinforce the likelihood of my involuntary dabbling into the subject matter, in order to discover the engravings of the past.

On a relevant note, today saw me stumbling into acute awareness within the realm of self-actualization, as Maslow would put it. While I, for one, am more acquainted with the prospect of spiritual well-being as the forefront of personal welfare and increase, I do think that I've definitely hit a significant mark in my life. Funnily enough, this fact wouldn't have occurred to me if it weren't for an unexpected event that took place today at campus which in my opinion, was a result of divine intervention.

After completing my Malaysian Studies mid terms today, I was contemplating whether or not to leave the campus premises. I had no business left there and I was pretty sure most of my peers could manage the test on their own when they attempt it after their class, for obvious reasons. As I was on the verge of leaving, I received a phone call from Carine (you may know her from one of my previous posts), who called to say that she was on campus grounds for a Model United Nations meeting which would occur later on. Hence, we decided quite arbitrarily to meet up. It wasn't long before she found me concealed within the glass walls of the student life center and I was immediately led into a hug and a brief introduction to an acquaintance of hers (which really was my friend as well, if you don't consider the fact that we've only ever had contact via social media until today, when I've finally met him in real life). Anyway, we delved in conversation for quite a bit before I gave them a brief tour of the ADP classrooms and introduced them to a few of my course mates.

But earnestly, it was such a close call. I could have left the campus grounds once I had completed the test, but for some unknown reason, I chose to stay on. It certainly wasn't because of my peers, for reasons already stated above. Also, I chose to drive to campus today so I could leave whenever I wanted, in case something else popped out. Perhaps that was why, even if I wasn't aware of it.

Coincidence? I think not!

As I pondered upon the conversation I had with Carine today, I recalled our mutual agreement that high school was a faction of the past which we were glad to put behind us and that we had both found our place in college/university. Involuntarily, I began to reflect on how much life has changed since I entered university. Honestly, I never expected to have my mental paradigm compellingly altered this speedily, much to my surprise and occasionally, dismay. This scenario can inevitably be likened to that of a vehicle on an expressway, in which circumstances will prompt the driver to switch lanes in order to ease the journey. While there are both positive and negative effects pioneered by change, I will choose to view my progress instead of my shortcomings, brimming with sheer optimism.

There is much that can be said about the old me – on a continuum, I was generally afraid of anything and was overtly self-conscious. I lived in my own fabricated reality, huddled within my constant attempts at living up to one's expectations and shying away from any opportunity I had to better myself. It was always about how different I was, and I was so confident that I would never find my place in this world, having being disappointed by my peers whom I generally viewed as society.

But today, change has inevitably taken place. University has been my threshold into what I would define in the simplest of terms as, a real life. I began as a timid soul in this institution, but now I have little fear over what others think about me. I came naive and enthralled by a new social setting, but now I have gained discernment. I entered as an embodiment of commonalities, but I have exchanged that for an individual and affirmative purpose. Inexperienced I made my debut, enlightened I now am, although not entirely. My general hostility towards human beings has somewhat faded, and I find myself having a more objective view of the people around me and the environment I thrive in.

While I do realize that the probability of my arrival at square one will be higher than ever when I take on the States next year, the fact that I've actually made progress renders me excited in taking on the next course in my life. Things have proven to be more difficult as I begin to adhere to the demands of the semester, but not without a learned lesson.

So therefore, I shall rejoice, because I've grown a little more in life.

Ain't no stopping us now

So it's half past midnight now and I'm still awake, even after relentlessly breaking out into rap sequences from Diddy Dirty Money's Coming Home and mentally reenacting self-fabricated music video scenes to complement Taeyang's Wedding Dress.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I'd publicly make such statements, given that I religiously disapprove of mainstream music and fervently attempt to abstain from it at all costs, although such efforts are often withheld by exposure to Top 40 tracks played in public places, namely in the mall and on campus grounds. But I digress.

While such an ungodly hour might be best utilized to give a detailed account of how life has been in the past week, I've decided against it. I personally feel that I spend far too much time harboring over the past and romanticizing the slightly out-of-the-ordinary occurrences in my life to the extent that I've created this facade of a self-glorifying persona, with an ever prevalent superiority complex. Therefore, I find that there is a need for myth busting before inaccurate postulations evolve into timely truths, paving the way to self-destruction.

Melodrama aside, this post is a post of appreciation; not one that deifies the role of inanimate objects in providing convenience to my increasingly hectic schedule, but one that expresses my gratitude towards the real, tangible individuals who have contributed to shaping it into what it is today, both in times of anguish and ecstasy.

And who can I accredit this to, if not my family in Christ?

It's hard to imagine that it has been 3 years since I began this journey of pursuing godliness and an intimate relationship with the Heavenly Father, first as a regular attendee at Pulse and then as a youth leader in Uth. I can recall my initial fears when I agreed to step up as a leader, uninformed and anxious about the plans He had for me. I can recall the countless times I doubted my authority and ability in Christ, leaving me on the brink of wanting to give up altogether on being a leader. I remember when I was first called to play for the worship team at youth camp two years ago, and how I ended up setting the keyboard on mute, ceasing to play because I couldn't remember the chords for the song. I remember struggling to retain a balance between school and my duties as a leader, and how it gave room for ungodliness and fear to settle within my psyche.

And these are just the few accounts I've retrieved from my memories throughout the entirety of my service at youth. If I were to list them all, this blog post would not suffice and will do no justice in recreating and portraying the various encounters and occurrences of my journey with Christ.



Nevertheless, after three youth camps, two all-girls camps, two Christmas musicals, countless youth worship rallies as well as leadership meetings and over a year of attending cell, I deem it pretty safe to say that I've grown and have assimilated well into my family in Christ. The hostility I was once encumbered with in the early phases of my involvement in the youth group has undoubtedly faded. Instead, similar interests in a myriad of relevant fields and a common love for Jesus have come to take it's place, drawing us closer as a family. Also, I've grown closer to the girls leadership team as well, having undertaken a role in planning the Girls Camp two years ago and this year's Girls Conference. It really is a blessing to be able to work with such an amazing and talented bunch. Technicalities aside, these ladies have been a strong source of encouragement in my life. Their gestures of friendship, especially in terms of prayer and word of advice have upheld me both in joy and distress and for that, I am forever grateful to God.



One of the things I've been educated on in youth is the importance of honoring one another. It's funny h-ow I have this propensity to admire those who've contributed the least in my life and have brought me more pain than anything else, and totally take for granted those who've been there for me time and time again. Today, I want to end this cycle. I shall cease from seeking attention from the insincere and afflicting, and focus my attention on those who genuinely exude love and concern towards me. To my fellow comrades, I honor all of you as soldiers of the light, and thank you for fighting by my side for this worthwhile cause.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” 

1 Corinthians 1 : 26-31 

On a personal note, I pray earnestly that as I usher in a new season, in which I have undertaken a new role as a committee member in my university's Christian Fellowship group, I will continue to grow more into the likeness of Christ. I am well aware that I've been thrust into sin, which has become iniquity, for time and time again I fail, but I will not give up in pursuing godliness. After all, if God will not stop until the work He began in me comes into completion, why should I? Jesus went through many trials and tribulations, even as a sinless man and He made it through, so why do I deserve to live in affluence? These struggles are bound to surface and I should take pleasure in suffering for Christ.

For to live is Christ, to die is gain.