Sigh no more

There is absolute reason to sigh no more - graduation. I'm finally receiving closure and bound to leave high school permanently, although I must say that I have not rid myself of that demon of an examination - SPM yet, but I believe I will overcome this and exit victoriously.

Contrary to the emotions most people are encountering presently, I'm actually quite glad to leave this phase of my life and begin anew. It's almost as if high school was no more than an obstacle I had to overcome in my quest to discover my identity, my purpose and my calling. And I think I've found it.

It's right here, in between the lines, in every alphabet, in the vocabulary - WRITING.

I honestly don't know what will occur in the future. I'm not even sure if my expectations of a better environment, better peers in the form of course mates and better experiences will be met, but I'm ready to take on what lies ahead. I'm pretty set on the notion of not succumbing to the graces of being a wallflower and becoming a more sociable being when I enter college and I will attempt to make the most of my life as a youth, and consecutively a young adult.

However, there are things I will definitely miss upon my departure. I will miss my friends. And by friends, I mean people who have stuck with me in spite of my fallibility, my flaws and my fickle nature. The people who have laughed at the jokes I crafted despite my lacking genuine sense of humour. The people who have inspired and touched my life, as well as educate me both academically and philosophically. These are memories that will never cease until the end of time.

High school has honestly been a struggle for me. From the day I first set foot into this education institution, I've had to deal with so much, particularly discrimination due to my incompetence in conversing in Chinese (which is apparently a disgrace), my plump physique and my constant mood changes. While I am now able to speak Chinese coherently when I am making a purchase at a boutique, have lost weight over the years (and gained a number of kilogrammes this year) and possess the ability to withhold my emotions, I still encounter difficulty in discovering my sense of belonging and dealing with the conflicts of the past which have somewhat managed to build some strongholds within myself.

Although I am still in the midst of being healed of the pain and rejection I have once felt, I am now stronger and can withstand tougher challenges than I have before. By God's grace, I will be able to move on and be filled with too high a spirit to be encumbered with my old nonsense.

Anyhow, I will be going on full-fledged hiatus from tomorrow until my final SPM paper - English Literature. So until then, this blog is temporarily in a coma.

Alright, ta :)

Unfold

I ran out of ideas. There's no specific reason why I decided to go with 'unfold'.

Or perhaps there is. For instance, it is exactly 20 more days until I unfold what SPM has in store for me. I'll also be graduating from high school this Saturday, which is in 4 days so I guess there is reason behind my vague blog post title. There is really plenty to unfold in the coming weeks and life isn't slowing down at all. In fact, it's actually picking up the pace albeit too quickly and I don't know if I have the capacity to catch up with it.

Anyhow, I haven't been studying much. I actually expected myself to be a lot more stringent in routine and far much anxious about SPM that I have been in the past few months. Trials proved to be a terrifying ordeal and now the real Godzilla is approaching, and yet I've been slacking lately. And as I have mentioned before, it is exactly 20 more days until the first paper I'll be sitting for, which is BM and I've been doing a pretty good job of screwing up my 'tatabahasa' section lately. I'm just hoping the actual paper won't be as difficult, but as it is a major exam, it'd be quite hard to say, which means I'll just have to put in all my effort and hope things won't turn out too bad.

I was quite disappointed with my trial results earlier, but now I'm starting to rethink my reaction towards my achievement. I did get a string of As, although it consisted of only 1 A+ and 2A-s but my class position paid the price for my nonchalance as many of my classmates who had put in so much effort (in looking for tips, I dare say) managed to displace me as they had obtained more A+s than I did. After moaning in abject agony and misery for a few weeks, I decided to reevaluate my achievements and my efforts to see where I had gone amiss.

And that was when I realised, I hadn't really put in that much effort for my trials. Moreover, I believe God might have had something to do with this. Only now did it occur to me that if I had studied the way I did without God's grace, I would not have acquired those results. An individual like me who gloats in misery about how terrible and incomplete my life is totally doesn't deserve such results! It was then that I begun to realise that I was only able to do so much because God was there for me.

So now I feel less terrible about my results and ever more grateful to God, but am still lacking in enthusiasm. I guess I'll have to keep praying and hopefully by God's grace, I'll make it through :)

Other than SPM, there has been other thoughts that have been permeating my mind lately. I won't be specific, but let's just say I've acquired a physical attraction towards this guy I'm acquainted with but not close to. It's actually quite odd if I might say so myself since I'd been oblivious to him for quite some time and it was only that other day when I was on duty with him that I realised he was actually quite charming in physique.

Prior to this incident, I never believed in love at first sight, but now.. I'm not so sure. Perhaps it is lust or the mind's sinister undercurrents towards physical attraction, but whatever it is, I am absolutely not going to pursue it. I did a very stupid thing of adding him on Facebook and making a big fuss about what to comment on his wall post but I'm just going to ignore myself and get on with it.

I DO HAVE SPM AFTER ALL!

I'm also quite excited to be leaving this wretched institute of education and adjourn into a new phase in life - college! I already have plans of my own, but it's really up to God whether or not I am able to carry them out. I'm completely relying on God's grace now to make it through (well, attempting to at least) and I just hope God will bring upon some revelation in my life.

I have Chemistry tuition in a bit, so I'll have to end it here. The amount of hits on my blog has increased a little over the week ever since I installed that Feedjit widget on the sidebar, although there has been no record of the people who have landed on my blog so far. I'm just hoping there's no one  familiar here because it would be embarrassing if anyone found out about my "romantic" undertakings and started a wildfire.

Alright, off I go.

I need fixing

I desperately am in need of a little fixing. Perhaps a little more than little. Okay, I do need to be fixed urgently and in tremendous proportions.

Hello. It feels odd to be back on this blog again, ranting away about how I feel. I'm not too sure about what I feel now actually. My John Clare moment has somewhat subsided, but I haven't quite achieve euphoria either. So I guess I can say I'm currently indifferent. Indifferent, by the way - not ignorant.

Well, I guess I should begin by commenting on how disappointed I was at my English trial results. Now that I'm pondering upon this, I believe I still am disappointed except that I'm not resorting to a string of common profanities to ease my disappointment and bark at people whom I previously thought could do no more than utter one word to arouse laughter over their ridiculous application of vocabulary in speech. I must seem arrogant stating such things, don't I?

Perhaps it was overconfidence on my part. Or should I be blaming the education system (as if I haven't played that card before)? Perhaps I should find fault with The Star Newspaper instead. I did, after all refer to their tips of writing a good summary and attempting English comprehension.

I know there's no point in trying to discover the myriad of possibilities that could have led to my failure since the trials are over and they have been for a very long time, for that matter. But this matter somewhat remains an indignant denizen of my mind.

My essays weren't up to par. My comprehension was utter crap. A classmate of mine who wrote one word for her comprehension received marks for her answer while I, who took extra time and attention to write a grammatically adept sentence, failed to receive a point. I honestly don't know if it is I, who lack competence or is it the government as usual, to be put at fault. However, I don't see a reason for playing that card because the standard of English in Malaysia is very low and having failed to do well for such a redundant and absolutely bogus paper makes me feel like an idiot myself.

Well, complaining doesn't fix any of it. But I digress.

On a different note, I think I'm getting more fit now that I'm dancing regularly. My classmates decided on dancing to Korean pop for our class graduation performance and I must say, I have acquired respect for K-pop artists who dance in their music videos. It is definitely not an easy thing to attempt let alone execute with utter perfection. I have only attended two practices so far which last for about 2 to 3 hours every day and I already find difficulty to walk downstairs. My legs somewhat wobble when I attempt to walk and I feel even older than my grandmother. I think I might also say that I now know the extent of the pain she undergoes on her legs when she walks. And I'm actually so tired that I've decided not to argue with anyone who wants to refute my statement.

Anyhow, I'll be attending school tomorrow to do more dancing in spite of my lower body aches so I do hope I don't overdo it and hurt myself even more. Furthermore, I'll be walking to Centrepoint tomorrow to audition for my prom performance. I'll be singing while accompanied by the piano, which will be played by my friend, Kah Yan. I'm quite anxious because my voice is somewhat failing to reach high notes at such an urgent moment and there's going to be a lot of competition due to the immense number of people who are singing for their audition tomorrow. I can only hope for the best and pray that things will turn out fine. I just hope I won't embarrass myself by screwing up my pitching at the last minute. Okay, let's not take a turn onto that direction, shall we?

So yes. That is my week for you. I have quite a number of photos I would like to upload but since it is such a time consuming process I can only wait until most of my activities are over to do so.

Have patience, non-existent readers. And myself, as well. Tata.