My t-shirt smells like haze

No kidding, my t-shirt does smell of haze. I'm assuming that it ended up in the laundry two days ago, when the haze was still prevalent in the air. Anyhow, I can only be glad that I no longer have to deal with irregular breathing patterns or even facial perspiration to say the least, given that masks were the order of the day.

Other than that, I do think the subject above would do well as a post title as it increases my chances of coming across it someday, in case I decide on an impromptu basis to reflect on the occurrences of my life only to find such an oddly named post existent in my archives. Having stated this, I hereby reinforce the likelihood of my involuntary dabbling into the subject matter, in order to discover the engravings of the past.

On a relevant note, today saw me stumbling into acute awareness within the realm of self-actualization, as Maslow would put it. While I, for one, am more acquainted with the prospect of spiritual well-being as the forefront of personal welfare and increase, I do think that I've definitely hit a significant mark in my life. Funnily enough, this fact wouldn't have occurred to me if it weren't for an unexpected event that took place today at campus which in my opinion, was a result of divine intervention.

After completing my Malaysian Studies mid terms today, I was contemplating whether or not to leave the campus premises. I had no business left there and I was pretty sure most of my peers could manage the test on their own when they attempt it after their class, for obvious reasons. As I was on the verge of leaving, I received a phone call from Carine (you may know her from one of my previous posts), who called to say that she was on campus grounds for a Model United Nations meeting which would occur later on. Hence, we decided quite arbitrarily to meet up. It wasn't long before she found me concealed within the glass walls of the student life center and I was immediately led into a hug and a brief introduction to an acquaintance of hers (which really was my friend as well, if you don't consider the fact that we've only ever had contact via social media until today, when I've finally met him in real life). Anyway, we delved in conversation for quite a bit before I gave them a brief tour of the ADP classrooms and introduced them to a few of my course mates.

But earnestly, it was such a close call. I could have left the campus grounds once I had completed the test, but for some unknown reason, I chose to stay on. It certainly wasn't because of my peers, for reasons already stated above. Also, I chose to drive to campus today so I could leave whenever I wanted, in case something else popped out. Perhaps that was why, even if I wasn't aware of it.

Coincidence? I think not!

As I pondered upon the conversation I had with Carine today, I recalled our mutual agreement that high school was a faction of the past which we were glad to put behind us and that we had both found our place in college/university. Involuntarily, I began to reflect on how much life has changed since I entered university. Honestly, I never expected to have my mental paradigm compellingly altered this speedily, much to my surprise and occasionally, dismay. This scenario can inevitably be likened to that of a vehicle on an expressway, in which circumstances will prompt the driver to switch lanes in order to ease the journey. While there are both positive and negative effects pioneered by change, I will choose to view my progress instead of my shortcomings, brimming with sheer optimism.

There is much that can be said about the old me – on a continuum, I was generally afraid of anything and was overtly self-conscious. I lived in my own fabricated reality, huddled within my constant attempts at living up to one's expectations and shying away from any opportunity I had to better myself. It was always about how different I was, and I was so confident that I would never find my place in this world, having being disappointed by my peers whom I generally viewed as society.

But today, change has inevitably taken place. University has been my threshold into what I would define in the simplest of terms as, a real life. I began as a timid soul in this institution, but now I have little fear over what others think about me. I came naive and enthralled by a new social setting, but now I have gained discernment. I entered as an embodiment of commonalities, but I have exchanged that for an individual and affirmative purpose. Inexperienced I made my debut, enlightened I now am, although not entirely. My general hostility towards human beings has somewhat faded, and I find myself having a more objective view of the people around me and the environment I thrive in.

While I do realize that the probability of my arrival at square one will be higher than ever when I take on the States next year, the fact that I've actually made progress renders me excited in taking on the next course in my life. Things have proven to be more difficult as I begin to adhere to the demands of the semester, but not without a learned lesson.

So therefore, I shall rejoice, because I've grown a little more in life.

Ain't no stopping us now

So it's half past midnight now and I'm still awake, even after relentlessly breaking out into rap sequences from Diddy Dirty Money's Coming Home and mentally reenacting self-fabricated music video scenes to complement Taeyang's Wedding Dress.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I'd publicly make such statements, given that I religiously disapprove of mainstream music and fervently attempt to abstain from it at all costs, although such efforts are often withheld by exposure to Top 40 tracks played in public places, namely in the mall and on campus grounds. But I digress.

While such an ungodly hour might be best utilized to give a detailed account of how life has been in the past week, I've decided against it. I personally feel that I spend far too much time harboring over the past and romanticizing the slightly out-of-the-ordinary occurrences in my life to the extent that I've created this facade of a self-glorifying persona, with an ever prevalent superiority complex. Therefore, I find that there is a need for myth busting before inaccurate postulations evolve into timely truths, paving the way to self-destruction.

Melodrama aside, this post is a post of appreciation; not one that deifies the role of inanimate objects in providing convenience to my increasingly hectic schedule, but one that expresses my gratitude towards the real, tangible individuals who have contributed to shaping it into what it is today, both in times of anguish and ecstasy.

And who can I accredit this to, if not my family in Christ?

It's hard to imagine that it has been 3 years since I began this journey of pursuing godliness and an intimate relationship with the Heavenly Father, first as a regular attendee at Pulse and then as a youth leader in Uth. I can recall my initial fears when I agreed to step up as a leader, uninformed and anxious about the plans He had for me. I can recall the countless times I doubted my authority and ability in Christ, leaving me on the brink of wanting to give up altogether on being a leader. I remember when I was first called to play for the worship team at youth camp two years ago, and how I ended up setting the keyboard on mute, ceasing to play because I couldn't remember the chords for the song. I remember struggling to retain a balance between school and my duties as a leader, and how it gave room for ungodliness and fear to settle within my psyche.

And these are just the few accounts I've retrieved from my memories throughout the entirety of my service at youth. If I were to list them all, this blog post would not suffice and will do no justice in recreating and portraying the various encounters and occurrences of my journey with Christ.



Nevertheless, after three youth camps, two all-girls camps, two Christmas musicals, countless youth worship rallies as well as leadership meetings and over a year of attending cell, I deem it pretty safe to say that I've grown and have assimilated well into my family in Christ. The hostility I was once encumbered with in the early phases of my involvement in the youth group has undoubtedly faded. Instead, similar interests in a myriad of relevant fields and a common love for Jesus have come to take it's place, drawing us closer as a family. Also, I've grown closer to the girls leadership team as well, having undertaken a role in planning the Girls Camp two years ago and this year's Girls Conference. It really is a blessing to be able to work with such an amazing and talented bunch. Technicalities aside, these ladies have been a strong source of encouragement in my life. Their gestures of friendship, especially in terms of prayer and word of advice have upheld me both in joy and distress and for that, I am forever grateful to God.



One of the things I've been educated on in youth is the importance of honoring one another. It's funny h-ow I have this propensity to admire those who've contributed the least in my life and have brought me more pain than anything else, and totally take for granted those who've been there for me time and time again. Today, I want to end this cycle. I shall cease from seeking attention from the insincere and afflicting, and focus my attention on those who genuinely exude love and concern towards me. To my fellow comrades, I honor all of you as soldiers of the light, and thank you for fighting by my side for this worthwhile cause.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” 

1 Corinthians 1 : 26-31 

On a personal note, I pray earnestly that as I usher in a new season, in which I have undertaken a new role as a committee member in my university's Christian Fellowship group, I will continue to grow more into the likeness of Christ. I am well aware that I've been thrust into sin, which has become iniquity, for time and time again I fail, but I will not give up in pursuing godliness. After all, if God will not stop until the work He began in me comes into completion, why should I? Jesus went through many trials and tribulations, even as a sinless man and He made it through, so why do I deserve to live in affluence? These struggles are bound to surface and I should take pleasure in suffering for Christ.

For to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Nuggets : F.R.I.E.N.D.S

So I officially have a thoroughly compulsive and immensely uninformed Facebook like-r, an overtly maladroit member of the intelligentsia and a selfless megalomaniac for friends. And that's only the least of terms I can come up with for this audacious bunch.

Shall I say my life is complete?

I thought so too.


P.S.: On a side note, I ran into a curb while trying to fix the radio, while driving. My bonnet is fine, but the rims are now scarred for life. I'm only hoping my parents won't be too quick to kill me.

Nuggets : Assassin

I don't ever recall being this anxious on campus grounds in the entirety of my time here on campus. What the heck, I don't think school life was ever this intense at any point. It seems so peculiar altogether how a silly, student-fabricated, boredom-pioneered tournament could make me so worked up in the past 2 days.

I've been engaged in this game of Assassin since Monday and I'm certainly losing my composure thanks to this intense peg-grabbing competition. As a matter of fact, I deliberate dressed differently today so as to confuse my current assassin. I think it's working pretty well, since I am beyond recognition to most of my peers, judging by their inability to acknowledge my presence in the hallways.

I didn't think I'd get this far. I've never been good at games, and I didn't think I would be. But who knew I could disprove the theory of my nuisance when elements of cat-and-mouse abound in such events?

Nevertheless, I must keep watch. Somewhere lurking near the stairs and between classroom entrances is my bounty hunter. Letting my guard down is not an option.

And fear not, my readers, I will update this blog with more relevant undertakings once these spurious stakes I am in are no more. Life will adjourn as usual and more intellectual and philosophical texts will be conceived.

But for now... Ninja mode.

Clarity

It's been a pretty cray week. Crazy, I mean. Cray's just a more informal and hipster way of putting it, I suppose. Now, moving on to my speech.

First of all, I'd like to thank my parents for being so understanding and ever patient with me. Since that night (refer to THIS post), they've been a lot stricter on me, but not without reason. The media has been diligently dishing out their fair share of front-house robberies accounts, sexual assaults and rape cases, and it's only normal that my parents have their concerns. Anyhow, I still have my freedom to drive on my own when I need to commute anywhere, albeit with a curfew. I have to be home before 10PM if I go out at night, or else I would have to rely on my parents for transport or I'd simply have to refrain from going out at night for good. These arrangements clearly oppose my ideals, but hey, I'm not complaining – better be safe than sorry. I love my parents, and I wouldn't want anything to befall upon me, on their expense.

Next, I'd like to offer a toast to my ever faithful companion, coffee. You, my dear comrade have not failed me in times of exhaustion and mental fatigue. Having to draw the line between two different factions of work – scholar's work and university work while retaining a relatively decent social life certainly wasn't easy. But you, you're always there whenever I need you, apparent in varying forms every time we come into contact, but there nevertheless. Whether you're dressed in the most original of flavors or complemented by a dash of chocolate that makes you mocha, you've kept me on my toes all day. And for that, I am thankful.

Last but not least, I'd like to express my gratitude to the Heavenly Father. As I'm undertaking this process of spiritual healing and understanding of how He works, in spite of my imperfections and my own faults, I've gained a whole lot more clarity in life. I still have my emotional moments, but I can now distinguish what is fact and what is fiction as well as fathom the reason behind my affliction and affection. I've come to see that everything has worked for His purpose and no matter what the outcome will be, I will trust Him. I don't always have all the answers, and I'm beginning to accept this fact with a more open demeanor. I've learned not to rely on my own egotistical and independent nature to concoct theories of why things occur as they did (although they would be appreciated in Sociology, but that's besides the point), but  to have faith. It's a process I still struggle with, but I know better now. Patience is a virtue, and I do not want to repeat the same mistake of perpetrating a rash decision and undertaking the same vicious cycle all over again.

So there, my personal troubles in a nutshell. Well, perhaps not, but I think this suffices in expressing how this entire week has been. Work, to the power of ten.

On a lighter note, I finally got to scratch one thing off the bucket list – rap in public. It didn't go as well as I'd anticipated, but I've had some rather positive responses, which is still pretty wacko to me. Who knew one of my age old silent prayers would've come into execution at an event I wasn't even enthusiastic about in the first place? God works in the most mysterious of ways, heh. Also, I finally got to try Tong Pak Fu after several millenniums. Clearly, I am exaggerating, but I'm glad I got around to sample one of their desserts as recommended by my high school peers.

I should get ready to go out to church now, so I'll have to stop here. But before that, I will leave you with the enlightenment that there is something I have to do. Something absolutely crucial, that may or may not change the course of my life's esteems.

However, I shall cease before I enter into poetic mode. Until then.

On driving

I feel terrible. I'll be direct, I actually do.

I arrived home about half an hour ago, after spending an hour trying to lead two cars, containing my friends from campus who came all the way from Subang to 1 Utama for the sake of my convenience, so we could all chill at my place after watching Fast 6 this evening.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Their cars got lost on the way into TTDI and by the time I found them, it was already so late that everyone either had to be home due to parental concern or they just didn't feel up to it after the entire rigmarole. Nevertheless, tonight's endeavor has left me in an emotional state, because I feel absolutely horrible that I made them endure all that trouble for nothing. Also, the fact that I wasn't very clear when I relayed the directions to my house, as well as my constant cussing as I got tired of having to repeat myself over and over while simultaneously steering the vehicle as well as keep an eye out for other vehicles wasn't very pleasant either.

I still find it hard to believe that I broke each and every road rule I was taught all in one night. I ran a few red lights, communicated using the cellphone while on the road, made an illegal U-turn, inadequately switched lanes, failed to slow down at certain bumps and stopped in the middle of the road while there was another car waiting behind me. I won't be surprised if I receive a couple of summons soon. Sigh.

I guess all I can do now is pray and get some sleep. I can only hope that my prayer will suffice is subduing the mental process of trying to comprehend today's misfortunes, for this will lead to my having a peculiar nightmare and I can promise you that it is earnestly the last thing I need tonight.

Nick, if you read this, know that I'm terribly sorry for all the trouble I put you through as my first ever car pool passenger. I appreciate all that you've done and I thank you for being ever so patient with someone as unruly and incompetent as me. Also, I'm glad it was you who had the "privilege" of sitting next to me and answering all those calls on my behalf as well as for laughing it out in such times of distress.

To conclude, there are 4 things I've learned tonight :

1. Never make last minute plans to enter unfamiliar territory, be it unfamiliar ground for oneself or for others especially AT NIGHT.

2. Do not break all the road rules just because there aren't any vehicles at night. What if, just WHAT IF it was recorded? Sigh, I'm still anticipating my first summon :(

3. Driving alone makes me really sad, now that I've already had the pleasure of taking on passengers.

4. I am actually a better driver than I'd initially anticipated. Not because I broke all the rules, but because I could still drive under pressure.

That is all. Goodnight.