Apart from the discovery that I am now able to synchronize my music with my mood, things have been okay. I still think deep thoughts, I still strive to retain my academic stature and I'm still figuring things out in my faith. Regardless of everything, I can only be grateful that He's been faithful in every circumstance. I can only be grateful that in all my brokenness and fragility, God still loves me. It's crazy that a sovereign and perfect God like Him can love me in all my flaws. I guess I can only thank Jesus for that, for taking my sin - OUR SIN, upon himself so we can have a relationship with the Father. I am really blessed, and I'm not letting any seemingly troublesome endeavor or challenging undertaking ruin the day He has made. I will simply be glad and rejoice in it.
I really am glad for the people God has placed in my life. He's enabled me to see that it isn't a question of whether a person is a believer that they should be a good friend. I can still remember the call for abstinence my school teachers (and sometimes even Sunday school teachers, unfortunately) would advocate. It resonated with me when I was much younger that I should not be in the company of those who had adopted negative values in their lives, simply because it could influence the way I behaved. I do admit, I was rather impressionable (even under childhood standards where
impressionability is at its zenith), and I took it all pretty seriously. I guess you could say I unwillingly and unconsciously bore a spirit of criticism and condemnation - a result of my strict moral nurturance.
But lately, that infantile theory has been rendered invalid. Although I'm prone to passing judgment upon initial impressions, the Holy Spirit is always there to put my thoughts to a halt. As I'm about to or as I even mentally contemplate a schema in which I should classify an individual under, I am reminded that the person is a creation of the Heavenly Father, made in His own image. And what more can I say? I must, and I shall love this person as Jesus would have loved him or her. It is of no importance what a person does, what they look like they could be any longer, or even what their faith is founded upon; what matters is who they are. They are the creation of the Creator, and to show love to these people would be to reciprocate the Heavenly Father's love. I won't even go into listing out the societal labels placed on individuals as my mind scours through them, because it isn't worth it. We're all people, and we aren't perfect, and we all need the God all the same, for God is love.
Furthermore, we don't have to succumb to the interests and habits of others - we have a greater identity in Christ that keeps us on solid ground. Perfect love casts out fear, and those who fear have not been made perfect in love. Love is a really dangerous thing. And I don't mean that it is only in terms of romantic relationships - I mean the actual willingness to put others before yourself, even in a situation of life or death. That's how far I would want to go for a person, if I truly loved them. My family, my friends, my acquaintances and perhaps, even the relatives whom I find hard to swallow my distaste of. And God-willing, I hope I will someday.
Well yes, I'm not saying it's been easy. It's been tough, attempting to eliminate a stronghold that has lived in my mind for a sizeable amount of time. But I know change doesn't occur overnight, and so I refuse to back down and let my circumstances overwhelm me. Instead, I will make the best out of what I've been given, and let God transform an unfavorable situation into one that glorifies the name of Jesus. While it's been challenging, it's also been very exciting altogether, seeing what God is doing not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. It doesn't matter who God uses to be the salt and light wherever I happen to be, it is always encouraging to see people grow in their love for the Father.
Personally, I have some freights I need to let go myself. The things of the past that have held me back shall not hold me back any longer. My temperance cannot become a hindrance in progressing in my faith. I realized I have had a little distaste (okay perhaps a tad bit more, let's not sugarcoat that shall we?) for some people in my life on account of the past. But THE PAST IS THE PAST. I've moved on, and I promised God I would hold on to the progress I have made. And I know I will, as long as I don't get caught up with my past fears, my past emotions and my past mistakes. Today, I realized I have moved on from all that. I no longer feel wistful when I see certain things that remind me of what used to be, and I always try to keep a thankful attitude for what I am blessed with so I will not fall into a cycle of dissatisfaction and selfishness again. I trust God and I know I only need to be concerned about His kingdom. Everything else isn't even half as important, and will be added unto me as long as I continue to remain faithful to Him.
Yes, even the matter of finding a life partner. At least I know I am not given the gift of celibacy due to the existence of such desires, and I am looking forward to seeing who it is. In the meantime, my eyes are fixed on Jesus. My objective is to build friendships and in time, these things are revealed to me. I'm just glad that I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about a certain someone not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I am waiting for the right time. I will let Him unfold it before me, and I refuse to limit God by offering Him my superficial expectations of having a tall, dark, handsome Christian guy from church. GOD WILL DECIDE (and then let me know lulz).
It may seem strange that I am talking about these things as if I were a child again, still ensconced in innocence and naivety. Contrary to opinion that I have been degraded into my 14 year old self, I'd like to think that I'm reverting to having faith that is childlike. To discredit the notion of overthinking everything and trying to rationalize the world and its caveats with my own wisdom. I will let God be God, and let Him take His place above my life.
I suppose this post will end here. I need sleep. 5 hours of sleep on account of IR has left me disgruntled for a lack of liberty in sucking the marrow out of life.
Until then, xx.
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