Factions

I know it seemed as if I've had composure these days, but really, I feel most vulnerable right now. I thought I'd wait it out until the storm has come to pass to let my thoughts be known, but I figured I had to be real. I, Vivian Teoh, am a real person, with real emotions and while I am not going to allow feelings to have the best of me, I am still human. And I like writing when things happen.

I don't think I understand the full extent of what's been happening lately, but recently I've had a lot of questions from people questioning me about my faith as a Christian. While I'm glad that the questions non-Christians impose on me allows me to discover more of the Word each and every day, it really is the questions asked by other Christians on my faith that threaten to have me wobble over and tip off into oblivion.

I've always liked asking questions, and answering the ones I am asked about. Anyone who's been a classmate of mine would know what an inquisitive or avid silly question imposer I am. That's an established fact. But having questions asked about my faith, by people within my own church makes me begin to wonder what my faith is truly founded upon. Is my faith really founded upon the sermons and teachings my church advocates to the extent that I do not have my own grounding on being a Christian? Is a sermon that includes multiple isolated verses in discussing a topic at danger of being misinterpreted? Am I still being selfish and succumbing to my sinful nature in spite of my dedication to seeking God more and more each day?

I'm lost. I've gotta admit this, I really am. One second, I am so secure in His love and the next I am questioned about the basis of my faith that I cannot answer. It makes me reevaluate who I am truly in Christ, or if I even am in Christ. Second-guessing myself was a flaw of mine, according to one of my youth leaders during last year's retreat. All of a sudden, I'm left to ponder upon this prospect with a confused and unclear frame of mind. Have I really been rooted in the wrong things this entire time?

What really scares me is that I don't know. I don't know who is genuine in rebuking, correcting and encouraging me. I don't know who is asking me such questions out of love, in order to challenge another believer; and who are those who ask in order to put me down, to intimidate me. I can't tell. I guess I'm just spiritually not mature enough, but really, I feel sorta discouraged right now. I know I'm young, and I know I haven't had as much wisdom or experience in comparison with those older than me, but hearing them question if I'll ever make it spiritually or physically discourages me in the first place. It's like one moment they want me to grow up, be an adult; but the next they still see me as a child.

I want to speak to my peers or even my youth leaders, but sometimes I feel as if asking such questions will lead them to remember the old me. The immature me, who wouldn't bother dealing with these questions, but would just walk away. The old me, who cared only about myself and nothing else. I'm not that person anymore. He gave not just me, ALL OF US a new heart when we all became believers and took up our cross, and I've chosen to leave myself behind and pursue the emulation of Christ. And I think asking questions in order for me to learn, is how I can become better in my faith. I earnestly hope that when I ask my spiritual leaders about these things that they will not see me as inferior, or weak, but as a work in progress. I know I have not grown completely in Him just yet, but who's to say I won't?

I guess that's the risk I'm taking, being transparent, honest and vulnerable to others. It feels strange and uncomfortable, showing people each facet of my character daily. I have never been this honest with people before. In conversation, I scan their every word, every silence; hoping to see what lies in their heart as I reveal myself as a Christian who wants to learn, who wants to grow stronger in my faith. Honestly, I can't tell who sees me a victim and who sees me a potential victor. I'm certainly hoping it's the latter, but I sometimes feel otherwise.

Yet, who am I once again, to jump to conclusions? Why do I care so much? My objective isn't to please people, believer or pre-believer. My purpose is to live for Him. Everything I do needs to be for the Heavenly Father. I can only hope that people are honest with me just as I try to be honest with them, and I surrender my vulnerability to Christ, hoping He will guide me as I trust in Him, and even as I am made to trust the people He has put in my life. Why should I be worried, really?

I know some may argue that using an isolated scripture does not constitute a proper sermon, but I know in my heart that my intention is not to distort the truth of the Word. It's to amplify it and hide it in my heart, so the Devil cannot use it against me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. 

- Proverbs 3:5-6