Rufus dialogue

It's been a while since I've written a thoroughly introspective post.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tiresome and spiritually degrading. There were times I sought after God, and there were times I forgot to. There were also times I deliberately refused to let go, out of my vain attempt to strike a balance between college responsibilities and my commitment to my faith. The vices I thought I successfully discarded a while ago threatened to cave in once again, and all of a sudden I wasn't sure where I stood. Complemented by challenges of my faith and the inadvertent reminders of my ugly past by the ones I made myself vulnerable to, the previous weeks have been laced with utter confusion and anxiety.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not giving up. And that's not what this post is about.

If anything, things have become a little clearer now, in certain areas. I can't be sure that all my thoughts are the product of a sane psyche, but I can vouch that my mindset is constantly undergoing transformation and that learning has been inevitable. I've come across some of the most serious concerns I've had about faith and life thus far, but I can only be grateful that God is giving me a head start. As much as I'd like to think, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat", I need to figure these things out, especially in the coming months before I leave for the States. It no longer is a case of "what if" or "maybe"; the reality is that I will be leaving in eight months and I need to accept whatever "lemons" life throws at me now if I plan on surviving two years abroad, where the "citruses" are higher in their "level of acidity".

Anyhow, this period of slight melancholy and frequent conjuring of thoughts have helped me conclude a few things about myself. Oh, and when I say conclude, I do not acquaint these traits of my personality with the notion of permanence. In time, I may be a totally different person from the one I am now. But until then, I can only say that I am, these few things I will describe myself as, and that there is nothing wrong at all about my being. I would also like to further point out that I have decided to state these things not out of spite or to by any means demean anyone's self-esteem; I simply feel that this discovery is rather noteworthy as I understand the sort of person I am and more importantly, see how my distinct differences to others in personality displays God's sovereignty. So here goes.

1. I am a sensitive person.

If this was written two years ago, it'd probably have been a rant about how inconsiderate or ignorant other people are, in comparison with myself. I'm not saying I never complain or fail to point that out, but I'm starting to realize that there is nothing wrong with being just a little more careful, or sensitive in my interactions with people. I guess you could say that it's part and parcel of pursuing psychology as a degree, but I honestly feel that this is an important trait for everyone. Unfortunately, the reality is that not everyone can be.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I cared too much. Every little things anyone else said mattered, especially those that sounded negative or were a prospective threat to my self-esteem. I could cry for days over that one insult that may or may not have intended to bruise my confidence, and only wake up after some sense was injected into me or after I discovered that the intention behind those words were not for harm. Currently, I still consider the things others say, be it negative or positive, but these words no longer dictate my worth as a person. Instead, my identity in Christ is what makes me, me. I am loved by Jesus, what more do I need?

Nevertheless, I have continued to remain sensitive to words. I may not take things all too personally as I once used to, but I still care. I care about whether my own words have hurt another person, and regardless of the possibility that it may have or may not have, I always opt to say I'm sorry for my words. I may not always be right when I come clean to people, but I know in my heart that I am accountable for my speech and my actions, and it is always better to clear things out upon the prompting of the Holy Spirit, than to dismiss what could be a siren of a depreciating friendship. So there.

2. There are no right or wrong people. There are only people.

For many years, it was deeply embedded in my mind that there were only certain groups of people I could associate with, and there were others I could not. As I mentioned in my earlier post, as children we are told to stay away from those who promote worldly influence and maintain relationships with those who appear good and all around holy, so to speak. But I've come to realize that love (and by love, I mean the love spoken about in the Bible, not the kind endorsed by the mass media) overcomes all things. It doesn't matter what vices these people are acquainted with - our duty as the stewards of this earth is to love them, for love covers a multitude of sins.

Perhaps I would not go so far as to say a complete conformity to people regardless of the worldliness or godliness of their character; but show love that is not bound by the morality of another person, or the sin of another person. As difficult as it is to understand, we are to hate the sin but love the sinner. Also, as people who have fallen to sin and are still living in the flesh that craves fleshly desires, who are we to judge others as we are imperfect ourselves? Yes, we are saved, but until we enter His kingdom, we remain human. And if our character and faith was so easily swayed by the worldly succumbings of our peers, what does that say about us?

Thus while we strive to remain pure and possess clean hearts, we should love unconditionally. Even Jesus hung out with the outcasts of his day, without ever defiling himself in the process. Instead, he showed love towards those who were shunned, and as a result they were transformed spiritually. In the same way God has shown love to us through His son, we should do the same unto others!

Furthermore, everyone is different. Often, away from differences in character, we are all different in our personality and our views of the world. We all see the world in our own eyes, and not everyone can envision what each person sees with their own eyes. That does not, however, take away the fact that people are still people, in spite of their ideas and perspective of life. When I talk to people, I try to pick up their character, their personality and their interests. Ever so often, I attempt to put myself (mentally at least) in their shoes and I can settle with the fact that I may not understand every single thing there is about any one person. As tough as can be, I try to acknowledge the fact that they are wonderfully and fearfully made by God in all their quirks.

3. A few friends > Large gatherings

I don't know if this points towards my being an introvert, but yes, I favor deep conversations I have with one or two people over going out to the movies or a sports session with five or more people. It's not that I don't quite have the opportunity or do not enjoy being in largely social situations - I think I spend more time with large groups of people than I do with just a single person. Personally, I just feel that the quality of interactions between a large number of people merely scratches the surface of what friendships really should be. Friendships, at least to me, are more than just having good meals, going to the cinema or having fun at theme parks. It is far more than discussing the happenings within the college faculty, or even church or CF per se.

I am more interested in you as a person, your thoughts and your (perceived) calling in life. Although I might want to hear your thoughts on world issues, ideology and faith issues; I am also interested in discussing more personal matters like family life and share our histories with one another. I want to know what you think about romantic relationships, your taste in music and your overall philosophy of life. Perhaps these things might sound much deeper than what we're all used to, but I expect to learn that about people as a friendship progresses. I don't just want to know you as a friend to another friend of mine that I've just met - I expect to actually be your friend. I want to invest time and effort in a friendship, regardless of the outcome. Frankly, I find large social environments a lot more threatening to these goals than I do with smaller ones. Nevertheless, I guess the rarity of deep conversations with specific people is what makes it all the more valuable.

So there you go, a dose of the very heart of my feeble mind. Yes, it pales in comparison with the psyche of the Heavenly Father who is above all things and who knows all things.

Disclaimer:
By writing this post, I am not implying that I am a morally perfect person or that I am self-actualized. I am a sinner, I am imperfect and I need God. And He has given me strength and wisdom through the Holy Spirit to guide me in my life daily. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.