Preacher

When I was a kid, my grandfather was a preacher
He talked about God, yeah he was something like a teacher
He said God only helps those who learn to help themselves
He was a million miles from a million dollars, but you could never spend his wealth.

And with that, I usher in a new season of blogging.

Truth to be told, I'm still a little apprehensive about using this as my main platform of self-expression. The past few months have proven that I've somewhat switched loyalties from writing for myself to writing in commemoration of a past significant other and for that reason, I went on a temporary hiatus. It's been invigorating to be able to reflect on what's been happening and delve into introspection and I think I can safely say that I've taken the time I usually spend writing to live and savor each moment to it's fullest. It helps to be able to acquire memories and not constantly have to worry about what kind of memories they are, or how it would be best to phrase them or even the superficiality of how many responses I'd attain from publicizing them. Instead, the lessons I've learned remain within my psyche, as well as between close friends, now that I've found sisters in campus. Really, it's been refreshing from the usual sausage fest.

In spite of the detriment it portrays, I've always associated pain with growth. Well, that probably never occurred to me as a child, but as I entered into my adolescence and even as I transition into the realm of adulthood, I constantly find new things to ponder upon after each painful experience. Pain fuels me - it ensconces me into the temporal fatality of consequence, then resurrects me into life a learned and wise entity. I've always seen myself as having little tolerance for physical pains and I've constantly undermined my ability to withstand emotional pain, but having endured life thus far, I've found that I'm much stronger than I presume myself to be. I can't entirely take credit for that, however, for it is God that consistently provides me with strength and the will to carry on, to see the bigger picture and to wait patiently for divine intervention in dimensions man cannot alter. Indeed, faith levels do fluctuate but in spite of everything, God is omnipresent.

I know I've promised myself I won't talk about the past anymore, but earnestly, I'm glad to see him moving on. Rumor has it that he's been seeing someone else, but I'm okay with that. Avoidance and sheer uninvolvement have been the order of the day in the past few weeks, in which I initially found uncomfortable but now find necessary. I've come to understand that in the business of moving on, distance and time play a crucial role, especially if a friendship is to be retained. It's been a little difficult for me to draw lines, having erased them a while ago and having no memory of their function, but I'm slowly gaining the ability to discern what is and what isn't and set boundaries accordingly. Sometimes, wishful thinking and the constant bombardment of 'what if's diminish me into lows, wondering what could have been, but I'm standing my ground. What's done is done, it cannot be undone. I can only take note of the mistakes I've made and promise myself to never make them again. At least now I'm absolutely sure what I'll do if I find another gem in the future - I won't let go.

All in all, things haven't been easy. I'm being challenged physically, academically and spiritually on a daily basis, and the world shows no sign of decrease in the exertion of its influence on me. Nevertheless, I strive to achieve my goals, to stand for my beliefs, to live above reproach and to attain selflessness. As for everything else, the trick is not to try, but to do. It is not the ATTEMPT that counts, it is the ACTION itself that does. Lately, I've been getting things done instead of trying to get things done. Regardless of my level of confidence and expertise, I dive right into whatever I do and make sure it gets completed. I suppose in that sense, I've become more disciplined as of late, and am quite sensitive to the Spirit. It's been a really eye opening experience to actually say that I've been there and I've done that, but even more importantly, that I've overcome my inhibitions.

So I guess that's pretty much all I have to say. The rest is detail, and I'm really in no mood to elaborate as I recently just completed 2 tests and 1 quiz, all after spending a weekend away committing myself to the Amazing Race organized by my university program. A real rewarding experience it has been, but I'll leave that for another day.

Counting stars

It's a shame I won't be going for OneRepublic in October. Anyhow, I ought to remind myself that patience is a virtue — it'll be worth it when I hit the States and hopefully, attend a Coldplay gig. Everything else really is secondary, gig-wise.

Since I completed my finals last Monday, I've had an early end to the summer semester and a three week break on my hands. A large part of me is pleased that I am now entitled to participate in all the activities I've been putting off since this short and frantic semester began, but I cannot say that I am entirely happy with the current arrangements. I know fairly well that I must utilize the break to it's full potential and ensure that last semester's folly does not repeat itself, but planning is easier said than done. I presently have a few ideas in my mind, but the lack of organization and required funds continuously resonates as unfeasible, much to my dismay.

I suppose I shall defuse the lack of organization by first making a list of activities I intend to immerse myself in.

Leisure :

1. Finish reading Chobsky's Perks of Being a Wallflower

2. Commence reading Mo Yan's Red Sorghum and Pamuk's The Museum of Innocence (and fingers crossed, complete it by the end of the semester break)

3. Learn to bake at least 2 items provided on the SORTED food website (I've settled for strawberry shortcake for my first culinary adventure!)

4. Watch the Gran Torino (kinda pointless since I no longer have Cross-cultural comm but oh well)

5. Watch some other movies because I haven't hit the cinema since the last semester break ended

6. Try out the Escape Room at e@Curve, someday

Travel :

1. Embark on a trip to Penang Island with a bunch of my college mates

2. Take on a day-trip food adventure in Ipoh with Nick and Dennis

3. Head down to KL for a photo walk (doesn't seem feasible though since I don't have any photography enthusiasts in my current college circle, but we'll see)

Servanthood/Work :

1. Update CF database weekly with newcomers' details
2. Check CF e-mail (gotta do this err day)

3. Attend CF during sem break

4. Get template for birthday bookmarks from Voon Ann and initiate printout

5. Help Esther out with decor at Youth Alpha on Sundays

6. Get people at Uth to join cell

7. Complete hours at the merch store for scholar's work (never ending, it seems. Sigh.)

Well, well, I've certainly got my hands full. Ah, c'est la vie.

On a lighter note, I spent my first day of freedom yesterday attending CF and engaging in conversation with a few of my college mates on campus. Pertaining to CF, I think things were a little chaotic. I asked to switch roles with Joshua who was the emcee for the day so I could put off writing the attendance (there were plenty of new faces and I couldn't keep track!) and take advantage of his late-coming, thinking it'd be an easier task. But boy, I was wrong. Although I'd written down the sequence of events on a slip of paper, I totally blanked out at the sight of the much larger crowd that day. I did carry on with the emceeing, but I think I did a pretty terrible job yesterday. I just wasn't prepared. And I solemnly vowed to never emcee at CF again. I'll probably find the courage to try it again sometime, but it won't be any soon. And to think that I was uber self-confident and all that other stuff to do with superiority complexes.

But there was a lesson learnt in the midst of all that chaos; what I did yesterday was out of my own strength, and it should have been God working through me. This literally means I gotta do my devotions and read the Word fervently!

In spite of the disaster I wreaked in emceeing, I was really encouraged by the testimonies shared by the YWAM team. There were testimonies of what God had done in their lives through YWAM and a brief sermon on evangelism by one of the YWAM-ers. It really sparked a thought in me about how simple evangelism really is in spite of our fears and inhibitions, and it reminded me that it is always the work of the Holy Spirit and never ourselves that people are brought into salvation. As of now, I'm determined to get involved in outreach — serving in Youth Alpha is part of the baby steps I'm taking in pursuit of that.

With regards to my recent social endeavors, I've been allocating a fair amount of time engaging in conversations with my college mates and youth group. I don't have much to say about the former, given that I spend a considerably large amount of time with them on campus, at food places and such. And as the saying goes — same shiznit, different day, I've begun to see a lack of purpose in engaging with them as a whole devotedly. The only other thing that draws my attention is perhaps the fact that I've not been able to fully vindicate a specific someone of their doing, and it has continued to affect personal relationships without cause. I've surrendered the cause to prayer and I'm only hoping some divine intervention will take place, as absurd as it seems to you presumably faith-lacking lot. But we'll just have to wait and see.

As for the latter, I've been feeling a little excluded and isolated lately. Some of the youths were at the gala dinner the other day, and they took a group photo together, all decked out in formal wear for the night. I was a little apprehended honestly, given that I wasn't even aware anyone had made plans to attend the gala dinner. And to think that my parents were attending as well, and they hadn't bothered to ask if I was interested to go. I guess weeks of hostility and bitterness can go a long way, if left unresolved. Lately it seems as if my parents have left me completely to my own devices, but I suppose I should be spending more time with them. They're probably afraid to initiate it anyway, so I might as well make the first move. Entering adulthood isn't that fun after all, especially when your parents take you for granted.

Whoaaa. This post escalated pretty quickly.

I'll stop here for today. Hopefully some of those items on the list above get crossed out soon, and I'll be a little more productive later on. Au revoir.