It has been a really hectic week, I have to say. I did a lot of last minute studying just to compensate 4 months of procrastination, and it obviously wasn't enough. The worst part was that although I already felt guilty about it, I still continued to procrastinate even further by watching TV, taking naps and occasionally go online although I've told myself not to. I did study eventually at night but compared to the hours I spent doing other activities, I barely did anything.
I have a feeling that I'm probably gonna fail my Sejarah since I blanked out during the exams. Maybe it might sound really superficial and ridiculous to everyone but since I have never actually flunked a school exam before, it really hurts. Every time I flip through the Sejarah textbook to study, I see the mistakes I made and it really kills me inside.
But what's done is done. I can't change anything. I'm just going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, just as the saying goes. As for the Kenny Lugar YES programme scholarship, I'm still going to apply for it even if I end up failing my paper because whatever it is, I have to try. I know I'll regret even more if I didn't even put up a fight to see if I could still make it than if I fail although I've fought bitterly, so I'm going to keep fighting. If I don't get what I intended for initially, I'll just accept it and move on. God has better plans for me and I'll never stop trying to reach it.
On a lighter note, things between my best friend and I have been better, except the fact that he isn't my best friend anymore. I'm alright with how things are now though, although I do walk down memory lane once in a while. I'm smart enough not to dwell on the past and I'm all for moving on. He's a really great guy to have as a best friend though. I think our unsettled disputes and difference in beliefs were the primary cause of why we're close to being strangers now, but it's for the better.
At least I won't have to worry about hurting someone just because I don't believe in what he strives and fights for and whether someone accepts me for who I am anymore. I've got other friends who do, so why waste time on one who isn't willing to accept the fact that he doesn't listen to me although I try to listen to him? And if our dispute is part of who he is, I guess it's better if I step back. It's not my war to fight, it's his. I've been putting his burdens on my shoulder for about a year and almost all my problems have been related to him. I eventually spoke to my mum about it and she told me that I can be there and help him but I shouldn't carry his weight on my shoulders, which I find now is quite true.
I still pray for him occasionally, hoping that the seed God has planted in him through some of the things I share about him will stay and grow. I'm expecting God to change him because God is just that awesome and He will handle it.