Friday, November 9, 2012

Lost and insecure

You know what? Forget it. Screw what I said about my SPM hiatus.

There's a lot going through my mind at the moment. I'm not even sure if I'll be ranting eloquently but I really don't have the time to worry about that. I'm finally seeing the reality of this entire situation and it's so frightening altogether. The notion of moving on, the reality that my life as a student in school is about to end has rendered me in total affliction.

And why so sudden, you ask? Well, I recently received a scholarship from Taylor's University College offering me a scholarship for the American Degree Transfer Programme which I have been set on since last year and I actually have make my decision by tomorrow as the offer for the scholarship expires on Tuesday. Since my mum won't be available after tomorrow due to work, I have about a day to decide whether to accept this scholarship or to decline and be left in a conundrum once more. Yes, a conundrum, because there happens to be infinite paths I can take due to my supposed "intellect" and my "eloquence". So there is no prevalent answer. Well, at least so it seems.

Prior to the scholarship offer, I have never really given much thought to college. I've always known what I liked and I certainly can see myself in a decent profession, but I never thought I'd have to decide so soon, until last Tuesday when I received the e-mail. I must say I wasn't too surprised over the offer since my friend had received an offer similar to mine, except regarding a different course but I do admit that it did not hit me until today that this will be a decision which will take place as a prerequisite to my future. The fact that this nitty gritty common post graduation formality actually WILL determine my future is indeed a frightening prospect. Yes, it is THAT frightening to the extent that I have lost my way with the words I am typing at this very moment.

I don't usually write like this as you may have observed, non-existent readers - I USUALLY don't.

So yes, I am at a crossroad right now. I've had my mind set on doing psychology at HELP for quite some time but the fact that I've been offered something more does conjure second thoughts in my mind. I'm really so unsure how to go about it especially since I only have a day to make a decision most people would take months to finally agree on. Furthermore, this dilemma has been rather thought-provoking and seems to have aroused certain emotions sourced by some of my past encounters in life with the subject and some of my life's most devastating disappointments. I also presume that this is quite notably a John Clare moment, although my "shipwreck of life's esteems" isn't quite so.

Ah, there. It has returned. Why thank you, mind :)

Anyway, while having to choose an institution for high learning has left me overwhelmed, I think choosing a course is much more meticulous and spiritually taxing. I have had so many opinions from various parties regarding the matter at hand that I'm absolutely lost and unsure about what path I should take. Firstly, there are the teachers and my elders. They are the ones who have educated me and contributed to my learning that it only seems logical to take their opinions into consideration. Most of them agree that I should take up a professional course, one where I can utilize my intellectual prowess to the fullest and where my parents and they as well, can take pride in as proof that they have executed their responsibilities excellently. However, most of the career options they suggest are to do with pure sciences which I do not want anything to do with after high school since I've spent two years in school struggling to achieve an A for all three Sciences - Biology, Chemistry and Physics.

And then there are my parents. Personally, they don't really mind what profession or courses I am interested to pursue and they fully support me in all that I do, but their opinions nonetheless matter to me. It is because of this very criteria that I am grateful for but it is also for this very fact that I am completely and utterly lost. My parents don't exactly decide anything for me, I have to make my own decisions. In fact, it has been this way since I was a child. I've had no help from my parents when it comes to acquiring knowledge about certain things and I've always been one to rely on instinct in determining what's the right thing to do and the right path to take. And now as I'm faced with a decision that could mean life or death, I cannot rely completely on myself anymore. And I realise that I am still indeed a child and that this will possibly be the most difficult decision I will have to make in my life.

Moreover, my friends are all taking pretty similar paths in life. Most of them are opting for A-Levels which is indeed a wise choice for those who are still unsure with what they want to do in life or for those who are planning to take a professional course. It's accepted worldwide and almost completely based on examination. I seem to be the only one to be taking the American Degree Programme as I have not heard of anyone who take on this road just as I will be. I also have some friends who have chosen to do SAM for their Pre-U programme but other than the common courses such as A-Levels, SAM or CPU, ADP is technically unheard of in the midst of my peers. Therefore, you must understand that my frustration is of valid reasons!

But I still cannot believe that this has the propensity to render me in tears. However, you must agree that it is a very terrifying and emotional dilemma, no?

Come to think of it, I was probably one of those death defying and affirmative individuals in my group of peers that decided to take a stand and undertake the road less travelled. I had so much belief in myself previously but now all I can think about is regarding how I am ever going to survive college without retreating back into wallflower mode and succumbing to my comfort zone.

Because I seriously am disillusioned and faltering in my stand.

Forget what I said about wanting to leave high school because I earnestly don't feel like facing this new phase in life. Peter Pan. Neverland. Mmm.

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