A fine frenzy

So recently I have discovered this amazing app called Spotify, and it has revolutionized the way I listen to music. There are literally dozens of playlists for every mood and occasion, and I've been so ecstatic at the prospect of having a musical theme for every day of my life without undertaking the painstaking process of creating my own playlist. Remarkable, really!

Apart from the discovery that I am now able to synchronize my music with my mood, things have been okay. I still think deep thoughts, I still strive to retain my academic stature and I'm still figuring things out in my faith. Regardless of everything, I can only be grateful that He's been faithful in every circumstance. I can only be grateful that in all my brokenness and fragility, God still loves me. It's crazy that a sovereign and perfect God like Him can love me in all my flaws. I guess I can only thank Jesus for that, for taking my sin - OUR SIN, upon himself so we can have a relationship with the Father. I am really blessed, and I'm not letting any seemingly troublesome endeavor or challenging undertaking ruin the day He has made. I will simply be glad and rejoice in it.

I really am glad for the people God has placed in my life. He's enabled me to see that it isn't a question of whether a person is a believer that they should be a good friend. I can still remember the call for abstinence my school teachers (and sometimes even Sunday school teachers, unfortunately) would advocate. It resonated with me when I was much younger that I should not be in the company of those who had adopted negative values in their lives, simply because it could influence the way I behaved. I do admit, I was rather impressionable (even under childhood standards where 

impressionability is at its zenith), and I took it all pretty seriously. I guess you could say I unwillingly and unconsciously bore a spirit of criticism and condemnation - a result of my strict moral nurturance.

But lately, that infantile theory has been rendered invalid. Although I'm prone to passing judgment upon initial impressions, the Holy Spirit is always there to put my thoughts to a halt. As I'm about to or as I even mentally contemplate a schema in which I should classify an individual under, I am reminded that the person is a creation of the Heavenly Father, made in His own image. And what more can I say? I must, and I shall love this person as Jesus would have loved him or her. It is of no importance what a person does, what they look like they could be any longer, or even what their faith is founded upon; what matters is who they are. They are the creation of the Creator, and to show love to these people would be to reciprocate the Heavenly Father's love. I won't even go into listing out the societal labels placed on individuals as my mind scours through them, because it isn't worth it. We're all people, and we aren't perfect, and we all need the God all the same, for God is love.

Furthermore, we don't have to succumb to the interests and habits of others - we have a greater identity in Christ that keeps us on solid ground. Perfect love casts out fear, and those who fear have not been made perfect in love. Love is a really dangerous thing. And I don't mean that it is only in terms of romantic relationships - I mean the actual willingness to put others before yourself, even in a situation of life or death. That's how far I would want to go for a person, if I truly loved them. My family, my friends, my acquaintances and perhaps, even the relatives whom I find hard to swallow my distaste of. And God-willing, I hope I will someday.

Well yes, I'm not saying it's been easy. It's been tough, attempting to eliminate a stronghold that has lived in my mind for a sizeable amount of time. But I know change doesn't occur overnight, and so I refuse to back down and let my circumstances overwhelm me. Instead, I will make the best out of what I've been given, and let God transform an unfavorable situation into one that glorifies the name of Jesus. While it's been challenging, it's also been very exciting altogether, seeing what God is doing not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. It doesn't matter who God uses to be the salt and light wherever I happen to be, it is always encouraging to see people grow in their love for the Father.

Personally, I have some freights I need to let go myself. The things of the past that have held me back shall not hold me back any longer. My temperance cannot become a hindrance in progressing in my faith. I realized I have had a little distaste (okay perhaps a tad bit more, let's not sugarcoat that shall we?) for some people in my life on account of the past. But THE PAST IS THE PAST. I've moved on, and I promised God I would hold on to the progress I have made. And I know I will, as long as I don't get caught up with my past fears, my past emotions and my past mistakes. Today, I realized I have moved on from all that. I no longer feel wistful when I see certain things that remind me of what used to be, and I always try to keep a thankful attitude for what I am blessed with so I will not fall into a cycle of dissatisfaction and selfishness again. I trust God and I know I only need to be concerned about His kingdom. Everything else isn't even half as important, and will be added unto me as long as I continue to remain faithful to Him.

Yes, even the matter of finding a life partner. At least I know I am not given the gift of celibacy due to the existence of such desires, and I am looking forward to seeing who it is. In the meantime, my eyes are fixed on Jesus. My objective is to build friendships and in time, these things are revealed to me. I'm just glad that I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about a certain someone not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I am waiting for the right time. I will let Him unfold it before me, and I refuse to limit God by offering Him my superficial expectations of having a tall, dark, handsome Christian guy from church. GOD WILL DECIDE (and then let me know lulz).

It may seem strange that I am talking about these things as if I were a child again, still ensconced in innocence and naivety. Contrary to opinion that I have been degraded into my 14 year old self, I'd like to think that I'm reverting to having faith that is childlike. To discredit the notion of overthinking everything and trying to rationalize the world and its caveats with my own wisdom. I will let God be God, and let Him take His place above my life.

I suppose this post will end here. I need sleep. 5 hours of sleep on account of IR has left me disgruntled for a lack of liberty in sucking the marrow out of life.

Until then, xx.

I see things differently

I see things differently
Be it emotions
Or perhaps a literal question
My viewpoint is different

When I see anger
When I see withdrawal
I don't see selfishness
I don't see a mood swing
He is just a boy
Asking why he cares so much
Waiting for a word from anyone
Wondering why his value on friendship
Marginally surpasses theirs

When I see sadness
When I see suffering
I don't thank God that I'm not
I don't pretend I know
She is a strong girl
Having faith in a greater purpose
Pulling herself through the pain
Knowing she'll make it through

When I see a question
When I see an actual question
I begin to think
I wonder why
When you ask how I will ever make it
I assume you think I never will
When you label me a certain way
I would think you mean it
Even if you don't

Time
And time again
I try
I try not to think
I think that I overthink
But sometimes
To merely think
Is not to think at all
And to overthink, is to think

What if
What if we share the same lens
What if we see the same things
You and I
We need to affirm each other
To conquer the shallow things of this world
To remember not just to see the world as what it is
But to see it as what it really is

___________________________

They say I'm sensitive, and I try not to complicate things by thinking too much. But when no one understands why people behave the way they do, or are as they are, I know.

Because we share the same ability to see things, differently.

Factions

I know it seemed as if I've had composure these days, but really, I feel most vulnerable right now. I thought I'd wait it out until the storm has come to pass to let my thoughts be known, but I figured I had to be real. I, Vivian Teoh, am a real person, with real emotions and while I am not going to allow feelings to have the best of me, I am still human. And I like writing when things happen.

I don't think I understand the full extent of what's been happening lately, but recently I've had a lot of questions from people questioning me about my faith as a Christian. While I'm glad that the questions non-Christians impose on me allows me to discover more of the Word each and every day, it really is the questions asked by other Christians on my faith that threaten to have me wobble over and tip off into oblivion.

I've always liked asking questions, and answering the ones I am asked about. Anyone who's been a classmate of mine would know what an inquisitive or avid silly question imposer I am. That's an established fact. But having questions asked about my faith, by people within my own church makes me begin to wonder what my faith is truly founded upon. Is my faith really founded upon the sermons and teachings my church advocates to the extent that I do not have my own grounding on being a Christian? Is a sermon that includes multiple isolated verses in discussing a topic at danger of being misinterpreted? Am I still being selfish and succumbing to my sinful nature in spite of my dedication to seeking God more and more each day?

I'm lost. I've gotta admit this, I really am. One second, I am so secure in His love and the next I am questioned about the basis of my faith that I cannot answer. It makes me reevaluate who I am truly in Christ, or if I even am in Christ. Second-guessing myself was a flaw of mine, according to one of my youth leaders during last year's retreat. All of a sudden, I'm left to ponder upon this prospect with a confused and unclear frame of mind. Have I really been rooted in the wrong things this entire time?

What really scares me is that I don't know. I don't know who is genuine in rebuking, correcting and encouraging me. I don't know who is asking me such questions out of love, in order to challenge another believer; and who are those who ask in order to put me down, to intimidate me. I can't tell. I guess I'm just spiritually not mature enough, but really, I feel sorta discouraged right now. I know I'm young, and I know I haven't had as much wisdom or experience in comparison with those older than me, but hearing them question if I'll ever make it spiritually or physically discourages me in the first place. It's like one moment they want me to grow up, be an adult; but the next they still see me as a child.

I want to speak to my peers or even my youth leaders, but sometimes I feel as if asking such questions will lead them to remember the old me. The immature me, who wouldn't bother dealing with these questions, but would just walk away. The old me, who cared only about myself and nothing else. I'm not that person anymore. He gave not just me, ALL OF US a new heart when we all became believers and took up our cross, and I've chosen to leave myself behind and pursue the emulation of Christ. And I think asking questions in order for me to learn, is how I can become better in my faith. I earnestly hope that when I ask my spiritual leaders about these things that they will not see me as inferior, or weak, but as a work in progress. I know I have not grown completely in Him just yet, but who's to say I won't?

I guess that's the risk I'm taking, being transparent, honest and vulnerable to others. It feels strange and uncomfortable, showing people each facet of my character daily. I have never been this honest with people before. In conversation, I scan their every word, every silence; hoping to see what lies in their heart as I reveal myself as a Christian who wants to learn, who wants to grow stronger in my faith. Honestly, I can't tell who sees me a victim and who sees me a potential victor. I'm certainly hoping it's the latter, but I sometimes feel otherwise.

Yet, who am I once again, to jump to conclusions? Why do I care so much? My objective isn't to please people, believer or pre-believer. My purpose is to live for Him. Everything I do needs to be for the Heavenly Father. I can only hope that people are honest with me just as I try to be honest with them, and I surrender my vulnerability to Christ, hoping He will guide me as I trust in Him, and even as I am made to trust the people He has put in my life. Why should I be worried, really?

I know some may argue that using an isolated scripture does not constitute a proper sermon, but I know in my heart that my intention is not to distort the truth of the Word. It's to amplify it and hide it in my heart, so the Devil cannot use it against me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. 

- Proverbs 3:5-6