Help

I'm in pain.

The past couple of days have been laced with mental poison, with thoughts too deep and too dark that I should strike them off, with quick palpitations difficult to endure. I have been overthinking, and it has produced in me anguish and a desire to run away from it all. I honestly don't know what else I can do.

I can only abstain from whatever it is that may trigger these symptoms, and rely on Him. There is nothing else I may be able to do. I don't want to hate anyone, nor do I want to wish demise upon them. But this state of mind has been tormenting me so much that I feel as if that is what I should do. I really don't know how to deal with this.

If you see this, please pray for me. I am afraid the recesses of my childhood have turned against me once again, and I am left with this utter negativity and pain.

I need Jesus, and I need you too. Please pray for me. That's the least you can do.

Writing is a tool

There is a reason why I do not like acknowledging my affection.

Firstly, I always end up overly romanticizing every single detail about the little feelings I have over a certain someone, and the next thing I know it is an affair that is blown out of proportions in my feeble, fickle mind. And if I do tell someone about this, they'd usually bring it up if they weren't careful. When that happens, my head ends up being more messed up as I struggle to keep my emotions at bay while already having plenty of other more important things to deal with.

Secondly, I have this tendency to foretell a certain future with the person I have "feelings" for. Without consideration, my mind automatically jumps into stealth mode and sets itself up against every mention of "What ifs" and "Impossibles", rendering me curious about the outcome of my possibly reciprocated affections. I then imagine a life with the said person and how things would turn out if the said person were to agree to being attached with me and I end up dreaming about this person at night and feeling happy until I wake up and realize everything is bullshit and I am a loser for thinking this way.

Furthermore, from my experience, the chances of my affections being reciprocated by the person in which they are held for are usually slim to none. As the overrated and overgeneralized adage goes, we love the ones who hate us, and despise the ones who do love us. Well, something along those lines. But anyway, I'd like to think I know myself very well, and I know that I have great aspirations in life and being told that my feelings for someone aren't mutual does nothing but sends me into distraught and a sense of hopelessness that cannot easily be escaped from. It also renders me susceptible to the sin of envy, which I try very hard to flee from at all costs. Nothing like running away from temptation, really. I know I can't fight it, and I'm not about to try. Above all, God is in control.

Ultimately, all the reasons mentioned above were humanly obtained wisdom. Confabulations that occurred as a result of overthinking and rationalizing everything. In spite of what my mind has allowed me to realize, I know that I cannot refrain from acting upon my feelings without God. Using rationale and reason and logic to decipher this puzzle of our emotions the physiological processes that complement them is working within my own strength. And I have had it with trying to do so on my own.

And that's why I'm writing this. In creative writing class, I learned that writing is a tool. Sure, writing does not necessarily solve my problems, but I realize that when I write, I can keep track of my own thoughts and sometimes I even get revelation from doing so. When I try to pray about things or receive a word from the Lord about such matters, I realize my mind can be really cluttered and it just ends up being a hindrance for me to receive what the Holy Spirit really wants to impart to me.

And so I write. I write because I want to see. I write because I want to hear. I write because I want to know. I write because it helps me put things into perspective before I decide to jump into the pit of hopelessness without dissecting the factors behind my untimely affections. It helps balance out the personae that dwell within me; it tames the skeptic and encourages the woman of faith. Writing keeps me sane.

I realize that apart from all these feelings, there is no substantial basis upon which my affections are founded. Often, I grow attached to people because they complete a certain part of my life where a blatant void exists. I used to believe that if I could fill that void with a specific person, I would be perfectly happy and everything will be alright. But now I see that such an ideal is no ideal at all, for I have learned that only Jesus can fill that void within me. And the only way I can grow in this area is to draw near to Him each and every day.

So now I see it. Perhaps I may come across these people again someday in my life, and I will find someone to have and to hold for the rest of my life. But I want to be sure that when that does happen, I can know for sure that I am not having a hand to hold for the very sake of filling that void I have in my heart. Rather, on that day, I will be absolutely sure that the ultimate goal of such an undertaking is Christ for as we grow closer to Christ, we may draw near to one another. He truly is the prize and reason we fight the good fight.

This has truly been therapeutic. Writing certainly is a tool. As much as people like to segregate what is secular and what is religious, I do think that there exist grey areas such as this. While some may gather that God is unreal because there is evil in this world, I believe that the good in this world points to the fact that GOD IS ALIVE and He is living among us, even in this modern day setting.

You might opine that I am a tough cookie, or an optimist in the least to come up with such great ideas. But execution is a difficult process, and I've figured out by now that being a Christian is not a walk in the park. And that's why I need Jesus. I need to be yoked with Him and just allow Him to work within me, without always struggling and deciding things on my own. God must become more, I must become less.

And that is all I seek to live for. 

What is this loneliness you speak of

I think I should start being prepared to tread this world on my own.

I feel lonely as it is already here in Malaysia this semester, and I frankly don't know how I'll fare when I get to the States. It seems as if every second of the day is spent looking for something valid to fill the next undertaken one, and it surely is daunting.

I really don't know why I'm suddenly saying all this. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Gem Club, which God knows can incite weird, trance-like and emotional vibes within my veins. Or maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that every step I take in life has mostly been taken alone, and I'm afraid of growing up because I won't have anyone to hold onto anymore. Or maybe it's just the aftermath of discovering a best friend's current romantic and secure attachment; and realizing that I'll lose him soon. I can't single out any one of these factors and name them the culprit of these emotional strings, but I know they still tie me to the past and I have yet to relieve myself of them.

A part of me wants to run to my parents and tell them I love them and that I want to spend time with them. I don't want to be alone in these next six months, in spite of the fact that I see them every single day and yet I barely say a word to them. I don't want to leave home, I just want to go back to being three years old all over again where I had the happiest days of my life, evoking mischief and being forced to take a nap. These days it seems as if every word I write comes with a tear, and I just cannot bring myself to physically admit that I am weak and falling apart inside.

Each Coming Night by Iron & Wine,

Each coming night is filled with football madness; trying damn hard not to curse at lousy football players (such irony), checking Instagram at half-time to keep awake and largely, prying my stubborn and sleepy eyes open for the sake of using the odd-houred match as conversational currency. I feel empty, really. I open the bible on some days to find nothing, and other days I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me ever so loudly and allowing me to inspire and minister to others. But the fact remains that I do have days where I feel infinitely alone and miserable because I am a workaholic and there is nothing worthy of my attention or action.

And yet I am happy that he has found someone, and that that someone has found him too. I am glad that they are both in love, although I'm not sure what to make of it. I also think people overrate my responses to the nth degree, thinking that because I am known infinitely for my temper, its intensity must override every other area in my life. I really am not amused these days. I know far too much than I should, and sometimes I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I was stupid, I wish I was silly, and that I would love, and love, and love, and love, and love, and love, and love and love until I could love no more. I want to give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give until I have nothing left to leave you with.

I have tried to love so much that I am growing tired. Ironically you can derive tired from tried. But that does not amuse me at all. No it doesn't.

I'm trying to sort out this poetry thing but it's not working out. Is this a work of prose, or is this poetry? Or is this semi-prose or semi-poetry? How can one tell? What does my work resemble? Can I even consider this to be a work of literature? An ongoing and unstoppable force, a silly and strewn about mess in my head. I am lost, and I am found. I need Jesus.

I think I have listened to too much ambient indie music. Spotify, please go away. I need good sleep. I need love. I need my parents and I need my family. I don't want to be alone.

I need Jesus. I need you, God. I NEED YOU.

For future reference

I don't know what is about my brain that gets me all awkward and seemingly uncool whenever I adjourn into an impromptu conversation with people about the kind of music we listen to and who in that particular genre we like because when I try thinking of which band/artist/genre I like best I just end up going like, "You know, a lot of stuff" and then when it's over and I'm on my own suddenly a million artists/bands/genres come pouring into my head and all I can afford to say is "Daaaaaayummm".

So in the event that I ever come across such a situation again, I will refer to this post and read out this list for these people because you'd have to be really cool for me to share my musical preferences with you and actually like what you like too because I'm just as cool as you (or not really if I happen to forget again but I hope not).

Okay to be fair, I will only say one thing. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER COLDPLAY, BECAUSE I LOVE COLDPLAY.

But everything else I will have to put here because I never seem to remember them at the right time although I'm pretty much hooked on em in Spotify.

For the record, these are in no particular order of whatever. Or are they

The Naked And Famous
Bombay Bicycle Club
M83
Stromae
Iron & Wine
Aloe Blacc
Jack Johnson
Sigur Ros
The 1975
Jonsi & Alex (I particularly like Boy 1904)
Foster The People
Switchfoot
The Lumineers
John Legend
Lorde
Nine Days (because Absolutely Story of a Girl was, is and will probably always be my theme song)
Explosions In The Sky
The Neighbourhood
Yuna
The Temper Trap
Clean Bandit
Arcade Fire
The Black Keys

And for Christian music:

Ascend The Hill
Bethel Music
Lecrae
Matt Redman

I probably seem less cool now that I've made this stupid list. And omg I almost every single one of em are male artists/male bands. Oh well, it couldn't be helped.

I need help. Okay bye

This Is What You Do

Because it's not about Heaven or Hell, but it's about what God above is doing in my life in the here and now. And probably because I'm listening to that particular track in prep for this week's worship at youth church.

So the past couple of weeks have been crazy. Not crazy as in, crazy busy, which I'd initially hoped to be, but crazy in an emotional and nerve-wrecking way. And possibly, mundane even.

Plenty of things have happened.

In the span of weeks, I met up with the youth coordinator, quit bible study and am still dealing with matters of hatred and forgiveness with some of my closest Christian brothers. I went for a Christian Counselling conference, broke my vow to abstain from burgers for the rest of the year and had profound conversations with one of my closer leader buddies while riding shotgun. I also managed to keep in touch with one of my trusted brothers from Korea on Whatsapp, and I have a hunch that he's getting very irritated with my constant questions about life in general. So there.

More importantly, however, I took a trip down memory lane to the painful areas of my life. I won't say it was something I had planned to do this year, but given my creative writing monologue required substance and conflict, I undertook a bucketful of tears through confronting my mum about the hurts I had as a child.

I don't regret any of it though. I'm glad it's out of my system, and I can sense the Holy Spirit within me, comforting me and pushing me forward.

I really don't know what I'd do without Jesus.

I got upset again on Tuesday, and my head got really messy. I'm trying to rationalize everything that has been happening to me, but I've found that talking to others no longer clear things up in my head. I haven't told my mum anything, and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, what do I get from talking? Shouldn't I be focusing my eyes on Jesus and crying my heart out to Him? Only He can salvage my cracking heart all over again.

I really don't know. A part of me is afraid of trusting people again, but I don't want to end up like that again. I don't want to reinvent the silence I forced myself through when I was fourteen because I felt I was hopeless and nothing could be done about me. I am a sensitive person and the more I try to figure things out and control myself, it just gets worse.

People tell me I need to change, but I don't think they realize it's easier said than done. I'd rather they just pray for me and learn to accept that I learn slowly and things don't just undergo transformation overnight.

But until then, I need to bury His word in my heart. I need to hide under His wing and let Him heal me. Nobody, as comforting and sympathetic as they are, can spur change in me.

Only God can. But if I don't let Him, things will just keep getting tough.

I need to learn to be alone, with God by my side. I've come to realize that devotion is something I find hard to do, but I'm slowly learning. I've started doing worship by playing the guitar, but my skills make it a nuisance for me to sing nicely. But I know God isn't there just so He could hear the gift He gave me, He's there to spend time with me for me.

I've thought more than I've written, but given that my class is in half an hour and I need to print out my first draft for my monologue, I'll have to continue some other day.

But it sure feels good to be writing again. I think this overcomes a little of the clutter in my head. I should be able to think straight for quite a bit.

Thank you for hearing me out though. I'll remember to tell Daddy God of your kindness, because I want you to be blessed for your love for me. Tata.