Wednesday, June 4, 2014

This Is What You Do

Because it's not about Heaven or Hell, but it's about what God above is doing in my life in the here and now. And probably because I'm listening to that particular track in prep for this week's worship at youth church.

So the past couple of weeks have been crazy. Not crazy as in, crazy busy, which I'd initially hoped to be, but crazy in an emotional and nerve-wrecking way. And possibly, mundane even.

Plenty of things have happened.

In the span of weeks, I met up with the youth coordinator, quit bible study and am still dealing with matters of hatred and forgiveness with some of my closest Christian brothers. I went for a Christian Counselling conference, broke my vow to abstain from burgers for the rest of the year and had profound conversations with one of my closer leader buddies while riding shotgun. I also managed to keep in touch with one of my trusted brothers from Korea on Whatsapp, and I have a hunch that he's getting very irritated with my constant questions about life in general. So there.

More importantly, however, I took a trip down memory lane to the painful areas of my life. I won't say it was something I had planned to do this year, but given my creative writing monologue required substance and conflict, I undertook a bucketful of tears through confronting my mum about the hurts I had as a child.

I don't regret any of it though. I'm glad it's out of my system, and I can sense the Holy Spirit within me, comforting me and pushing me forward.

I really don't know what I'd do without Jesus.

I got upset again on Tuesday, and my head got really messy. I'm trying to rationalize everything that has been happening to me, but I've found that talking to others no longer clear things up in my head. I haven't told my mum anything, and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, what do I get from talking? Shouldn't I be focusing my eyes on Jesus and crying my heart out to Him? Only He can salvage my cracking heart all over again.

I really don't know. A part of me is afraid of trusting people again, but I don't want to end up like that again. I don't want to reinvent the silence I forced myself through when I was fourteen because I felt I was hopeless and nothing could be done about me. I am a sensitive person and the more I try to figure things out and control myself, it just gets worse.

People tell me I need to change, but I don't think they realize it's easier said than done. I'd rather they just pray for me and learn to accept that I learn slowly and things don't just undergo transformation overnight.

But until then, I need to bury His word in my heart. I need to hide under His wing and let Him heal me. Nobody, as comforting and sympathetic as they are, can spur change in me.

Only God can. But if I don't let Him, things will just keep getting tough.

I need to learn to be alone, with God by my side. I've come to realize that devotion is something I find hard to do, but I'm slowly learning. I've started doing worship by playing the guitar, but my skills make it a nuisance for me to sing nicely. But I know God isn't there just so He could hear the gift He gave me, He's there to spend time with me for me.

I've thought more than I've written, but given that my class is in half an hour and I need to print out my first draft for my monologue, I'll have to continue some other day.

But it sure feels good to be writing again. I think this overcomes a little of the clutter in my head. I should be able to think straight for quite a bit.

Thank you for hearing me out though. I'll remember to tell Daddy God of your kindness, because I want you to be blessed for your love for me. Tata.

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