Firstly, I always end up overly romanticizing every single detail about the little feelings I have over a certain someone, and the next thing I know it is an affair that is blown out of proportions in my feeble, fickle mind. And if I do tell someone about this, they'd usually bring it up if they weren't careful. When that happens, my head ends up being more messed up as I struggle to keep my emotions at bay while already having plenty of other more important things to deal with.
Secondly, I have this tendency to foretell a certain future with the person I have "feelings" for. Without consideration, my mind automatically jumps into stealth mode and sets itself up against every mention of "What ifs" and "Impossibles", rendering me curious about the outcome of my possibly reciprocated affections. I then imagine a life with the said person and how things would turn out if the said person were to agree to being attached with me and I end up dreaming about this person at night and feeling happy until I wake up and realize everything is bullshit and I am a loser for thinking this way.
Furthermore, from my experience, the chances of my affections being reciprocated by the person in which they are held for are usually slim to none. As the overrated and overgeneralized adage goes, we love the ones who hate us, and despise the ones who do love us. Well, something along those lines. But anyway, I'd like to think I know myself very well, and I know that I have great aspirations in life and being told that my feelings for someone aren't mutual does nothing but sends me into distraught and a sense of hopelessness that cannot easily be escaped from. It also renders me susceptible to the sin of envy, which I try very hard to flee from at all costs. Nothing like running away from temptation, really. I know I can't fight it, and I'm not about to try. Above all, God is in control.
Ultimately, all the reasons mentioned above were humanly obtained wisdom. Confabulations that occurred as a result of overthinking and rationalizing everything. In spite of what my mind has allowed me to realize, I know that I cannot refrain from acting upon my feelings without God. Using rationale and reason and logic to decipher this puzzle of our emotions the physiological processes that complement them is working within my own strength. And I have had it with trying to do so on my own.
And that's why I'm writing this. In creative writing class, I learned that writing is a tool. Sure, writing does not necessarily solve my problems, but I realize that when I write, I can keep track of my own thoughts and sometimes I even get revelation from doing so. When I try to pray about things or receive a word from the Lord about such matters, I realize my mind can be really cluttered and it just ends up being a hindrance for me to receive what the Holy Spirit really wants to impart to me.
And so I write. I write because I want to see. I write because I want to hear. I write because I want to know. I write because it helps me put things into perspective before I decide to jump into the pit of hopelessness without dissecting the factors behind my untimely affections. It helps balance out the personae that dwell within me; it tames the skeptic and encourages the woman of faith. Writing keeps me sane.
I realize that apart from all these feelings, there is no substantial basis upon which my affections are founded. Often, I grow attached to people because they complete a certain part of my life where a blatant void exists. I used to believe that if I could fill that void with a specific person, I would be perfectly happy and everything will be alright. But now I see that such an ideal is no ideal at all, for I have learned that only Jesus can fill that void within me. And the only way I can grow in this area is to draw near to Him each and every day.
So now I see it. Perhaps I may come across these people again someday in my life, and I will find someone to have and to hold for the rest of my life. But I want to be sure that when that does happen, I can know for sure that I am not having a hand to hold for the very sake of filling that void I have in my heart. Rather, on that day, I will be absolutely sure that the ultimate goal of such an undertaking is Christ for as we grow closer to Christ, we may draw near to one another. He truly is the prize and reason we fight the good fight.
This has truly been therapeutic. Writing certainly is a tool. As much as people like to segregate what is secular and what is religious, I do think that there exist grey areas such as this. While some may gather that God is unreal because there is evil in this world, I believe that the good in this world points to the fact that GOD IS ALIVE and He is living among us, even in this modern day setting.
You might opine that I am a tough cookie, or an optimist in the least to come up with such great ideas. But execution is a difficult process, and I've figured out by now that being a Christian is not a walk in the park. And that's why I need Jesus. I need to be yoked with Him and just allow Him to work within me, without always struggling and deciding things on my own. God must become more, I must become less.
And that is all I seek to live for.
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