I am pretty paranoid. I think perhaps, that is the main reason behind my frequent plunging into a sea of emotions and melancholy.
When people tell me what they see in my life, no one says there's anything wrong. Everyone thinks I'm always having a ball of a time. People judge from my Facebook activity that I am okay, and deduce from my Instagram photos that I am living the life. I can't say the same about Twitter because I was pretty downtrodden in my tweets, but now that I've deleted my account, I can't say anything at all. I've also been doing quite well academically, which leaves me without almost no reason to fret about my future; and yet I find all of this meaningless. At the end of the day, I question, "So what?"
So I don't feel okay. I don't feel like I'm living the kind of life people think I'm living. I don't think I'm actually happy. I won't use the word depressed, but I'm just sad most of the time.
I'm sad because I don't think I'm going anywhere in my life, or that I've gotten anywhere in the past one year. I feel like this semester has made me an unproductive loser, because I don't have a part time job and I'm constantly browsing the internet for no absolute reason at all. I don't feel I've done enough in CF because everything seems to have fallen short of what we'd set out to do as a committee. And I don't think I've served enough in church. Despite the time I spend in church, I still don't have that utter sense of belonging. I always feel like I am within, and yet without. I could be laughing at a joke, seemingly oblivious to everything else happening around me, and still see myself shut out from the world, from an omniscient third person perspective. It's kind of like a novel come to life; with the exception that it is my life, and I'm suppose to be living it, not watching it happen.
I know this all sounds very familiar, like something you've heard from The Great Gatsby or something. I guess Fitzgerald couldn't have put it any better... Life really is stranger than fiction.
I always search for an excuse to be with people, to engage in conversation with people I share the same faith with, or just people in general; but even when I do, I feel as if I should retreat and be with myself. And when I am with myself, I over think it all. I start to wonder if my idleness is a legitimate condition of life, and if I should stop being alone and spend time with people. Basically, when I do either, the grass becomes a kaleidoscope of colors that I'm confused as to which one is greener.
So yes, it does suck to be in my head. Sure, I have "intelligence" and the "ability to think critically", which helps a lot in university, but apart from that, my head is a battlefield in which wars are waged on a daily basis (or to be brutally honest, every split second). Remember I quoted my friend about having versions A and B of a psyche in one head? Well, that's really just a simplification of what's going down in my cerebral coconut.
I'm a complex person, and I don't see myself becoming anything lesser than that anytime soon. I'm okay with that though, because I believe God created everyone differently and this is just how He intended for me to be. And I know in spite of everything, He'll always be there for me. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.
I'm pretty glad I'm starting to see how everything is really just all in my head. This fear I have regarding the prospect of being alone forever, or that no one truly loves me because of my incompetencies and tendency to erupt into a mess of salt and H20 whenever I am challenged emotionally; it's all a blatant lie. A fabrication of some strongholds in my life. Only God can get rid of them for me, and only I can let Him. I know I am a child of God, and no one can take that away from me, if I choose Him always.
Things have become a little more organized today as I'm getting back on track with devotion and delving in worship on weekday mornings. I'm even writing some songs of my own to sing unto Him, based on scriptures that have encouraged me in these trying times. I'm not sure if I'll ever publicly tell my church friends about these endeavors since we're thinking of writing songs of our own, but I know He'll lead me as I go along, so that's something I should let happen in His timing. But yeah, it's in the works.
I should really be getting back to finishing (more like starting, actually) my short story. It's due in 10 days and I haven't written a single word.
Ta.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8
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