One of my closest brothers in Christ once told me that he could relate to my mental struggles. He said there were two versions of himself, A and B, and they always contradicted one another. He told me he learned not to succumb to the thoughts planted by the enemy, and to always remember God's love supersedes everything else and thus, to put Him first.
At first I didn't quite buy the whole analogy of having two versions of ourselves, but now that this conflict has materialized so prevalently, I finally understood what he said that night in the car, en route home via the NKVE. Because it's real, and it's happening, even right now.
It's crazy how much I over think these days. I could be doing something as mundane as washing my car, and instantly I'd be transported into an alternate reality where some of my biggest fears come to life. In real time I am a university student, bound to head to the States in less than six months; but in another universe, I am unhappily married to a man I don't love out of obligation. Well, that escalated abruptly, didn't it?
I'm crazy.
But fortunately, another part of me comes swooping in, summoning a word of scripture to bind the naive realist in me. I realize then and there, while wiping the moisture off my rearview mirror, that there is more to life than to fear about never finding someone to love. I remember what I'd told myself a year ago about what I'd wanted to do. I remembered my heart for Malaysia, for the children who didn't have the same opportunities as I did in the realm of education. I remember my desire to go to the States, to acquire as much knowledge and experience as I could, so I could come back here to make a difference in this nation.
And then it struck me.
I don't know how that's gonna work out, but I know God sees everything and it will all come to pass in time.
I don't need to worry, or fear, because He is in control.
A couple of months ago I attended a Christian psychological conference on culturally sensitive counselling. I remember a Dr. Tan expounding details on cognitive behavioral therapy. In doing so, he also addressed and debunked certain myths on psychology. I recall a specific mention on the validity of neutrality when it comes to our thoughts. Dr. Tan said that there is no such thing as a neutral thought. There are only thoughts, and each thought can either be positive or negative. However, it is important to remember that our thoughts are not who we are. We might think of something bad, or something good, but it does not mean it is or will always indicate our inherent nature. Rather, we have the liberty to reject thoughts we do not want, and replace them with the word of God.
And I guess I've forgotten that. I've forgotten to take a deep breath and realize that I am not my thoughts. I've just been trying to do everything myself and it's not working out. I've been so worried about what I'm doing right or wrong that I'm not putting my focus on the only thing that matters - JESUS.
I can't do this with my own human strength, I need to draw it from Him and then work things out. During the conference, there was another analogy I found relevant. I can't recall exactly what items were used in the example, but I will try and explain it according to what I remember. Our journey with Christ is like a path, that goes onward. In order to stick to this path, there is a light in front of us that guides us and keeps us on our focus. At the risk of sounding cliche, that light is God. Nevertheless, on the sides of the path there are distractions, and these distractions will move along with us as we progress onward. And these, you can't get rid of.
But as Christians, our duty is to remained focus on the light that will keep us on that path, and not turn our eyes to the distractions around us. If we abandon the pursuit of the light, we will remain engrossed in the insubstantial matters on the sidelines, that will never benefit us, but lead us to an endless reciprocity of hopelessness, fear and guilt. But if we keep our eyes on Him, we will live by the love of God and never lose track of what we've been called to, and whom.
And it's Him. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.
I still have no idea how things are gonna be like two years from now. I don't know who I'm ever gonna marry, or if I even will get married. But I don't care, because I remember who I am, and what I've been called to do.
And everything else, is secondary.
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows,
He leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength,
He guides my every path,
bringing honor to His name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies,
You honor me by anointing my head with oil,
my cup overflows with blessings.
Sure your goodness and unfailing love with pursue me
all the days of my life
and I will live in the house of the Lord, forever.
Scripture of the week guys - Psalms 23. It's embedded in my head now, and I promise you I didn't copy that from the internet ahaha.
Amen.
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