Thank you Jesus

For having mercy on me and never giving up on restoring the relationship between my Dad and I.

For the interview I'm about to attend tomorrow to see if I land that part-time job.

For the smooth settlement of my university application submission.

For helping me let go of the past so I can genuinely bid Josh farewell.

For the good lunch and dinner I had today.

For helping me get through singing back-up during worship earlier with Your presence.

For using me as your mouthpiece and tool on this earth.

For the encouraging and convicting message that you imparted through Peter today on Your steadfast love and being anchored to You.

For my sister's renewed commitment to You through that altar call today (it was inaugural, it was MOMENTOUS).

I cannot thank you enough God, for everything. I can only burst into tears of joy.

Thank you.

Joshwosh

I used to think real friends were people who knew better than to push all your buttons, on the grounds of being understanding. I thought friends were better off passive, with hopes that they'd let me discover on my own that I am more than the monster my past has made me.

But if there’s one thing I've learned from you Josh, it’s that real friendship isn’t easy.

And so is teamwork, especially when two parties are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to getting things done, even though Facebook always insists we're very similar by encouraging everyone else to tag you as me in CF photos.

Anyhow, thank you for never giving up on me and continually chastising me for being too uptight and kiasu and all a list of other things that summarize me into some kind of 4.0 control freak. I gotta admit, it was a little painful hearing it at first, but I learned to deal with it and go back to God and re-evaluate my attitude and my faith. I might not agree with you on certain things, but I learned to deal with different opinions and criticism because of that.

I know for a fact that real friends are HONEST friends, and you were honest enough to tell me straight in the face about my issues, and that I had to face them and stop running away. Also, thank you for being understanding during my low moments, by keeping silent and letting God deal with me. I know that I’m a lot better now as a person because God used you to speak to me. You're probably having a ball reading this now because you have the "last laugh". Hahaha, GO AHEAD, laugh, it's okay :)

But hey, we've had great moments in the committee as well. Thanks for driving me to my car at the 3rd Eiffel Tower after Bio class, for having such great taste in music (COLDPLAY!), and for pulling CF together alongside Hee Sung and I during the “Internship Neglect” era. Thanks mate for some of the greatest laughs I've had in uni – you've really taught me to hang loose (ba dum tss). Personally I also think you’ve changed quite a bit, from that last-minute, just-wing-it kind of guy into a responsible and considerate guy (won’t call you a man just yet ha), and I'm pretty sure it's not just Voon Ann who has to do with it. It's really Him up there, working in your life. God has really changed you in the span of a couple of months, and I hope your growth won't stop there.

Though I have mixed feelings about you leaving, but I know I'll definitely miss having you around here. Thanks again for the postcard, and for the guitar pick. I've been meaning to get a pick for a while now, but now I don't have to cuz I have one. And really, don't apologize. Whatever's in the past has been forgotten. Let's just look forward to starting afresh and glorifying God in the States!

Goodbye for now, Joshwosh. Stay on fire for God!

Conversations with God

So I was talking to God earlier, asking Him for the discipline and determination to NOT get attached to anyone whose number one goal in life is NOT to pursue Jesus when I realized what a juxtaposition there was between how strict I am with my choice of life partner, and how I dealt with fear.

If I'm not going to allow anyone who isn't FOR You to jeopardize my relationship with You, why would I even think of letting something like fear, that is not even OF You, to come in the way of us?

Revelation much?

WOW.

Step upper

Looking back at the last year and a half, I am truly blessed to be able to call CF my second home. It hasn't been an easy ride, having to put God first in the midst of uni responsibilities and family; and having to work with a committee of people with different views and spiritual walks. It was also challenging meeting people from different denominations and theological stands, and I gotta admit it did shake my faith quite a bit.

Nevertheless, CF humbled me to ask the difficult questions, and steered me back to the Word and the Holy Spirit. I had amazing fellow committee members and advisors who did not judge me for my doubts and questions, but challenged me to continue wrestling with God in understanding who He is as both a Father and sovereign Lord. They have been great people of accountability and genuine love, unbeknownst to me.

Honestly though, every TUCF-ian I have encountered in this journey has been a real blessing as they have enriched my life with their presence and encouraged me with their testimonies. As I step upper and pass on the baton to the next secretary, I truly hope CF will continue to be FAMILY to everyone who steps into D8.14 (or anywhere), just as it has been for me, by the grace of God.

TML Part 2

God also revealed something else to me on the day of the leader's meeting, apart from replenishing my spirit man through the knowledge of the Beatitudes. Prior to the sharing, J talked about a couple of things he received from studying the Sermon of the Mount.

To paraphrase and summarize what J had mentioned, the Sermon on the Mount, which contains the teachings and laws laid out by Jesus, was not meant merely to be read and known. Jesus preached this message, in order that we abide by it and live a fulfilling and abundant Christian life. A lot of times people misunderstand that the New Testament abolishes the laws from the Old, but truly, Jesus came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17). Moreover, this time He came to judge us not through our actions, but the state of our hearts, in which the latter appears to be more difficult than the former. J also talked about guarding our hearts carefully and in doing so, staying closely knitted to our spiritual family. He reminded each of us that the Devil targets his victims well by choosing those who remain in isolation, far from the church and more importantly, from God.

Based on what was expounded last Saturday, I picked up two things.

1. Perfection is attainable

As Christians, we are accustomed to not only hearing the phrase, "Nobody is perfect," but to mouthing it over and over again to ourselves, and to our fellow siblings in Christ. Yes, it is true that no human being other than Jesus is truly perfect, as we all have our respective issues to deal with and know very well that only God can make us perfect, which he has, in sending Jesus to die on the Cross for our sin and transgressions.

However, what is not acceptable is that we often hide behind the facade of our imperfect and sin-prone human selves to justify our succumbing to temptation, or our stubbornness in insisting that there is nothing wrong with some of the sinful things we are doing, because it is in our nature to do so. That is absolutely BOGUS. With Jesus being the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, God has given us the ability to attain perfection through Him and we may and MUST do so, by pursuing the Holy Spirit, and righteousness. It should be our desire and goal to achieve righteousness and holiness as He has called us to it, and there should be no compromise towards anything that may come in the way of us accomplishing these goals.

Upon hearing this message, I was reminded of the many things I had chosen to stand up for, as well as the things I chose to abstain from in the past couple of months, because I had believed perfection was attainable. In those months, God did a great deal in my life, and used my life to impact that of others.

However, I allowed all of that to slip away from my grasp as I became complacent and allowed others to convince me that it wasn't worth it pursuing righteousness. I somewhat gave up when I saw my own siblings in Christ abandon the pursuit of righteousness for the many other things in the world, and thought I could compromise my own stand for the sake of an unperturbed conscience and the acceptance of my peers. Fortunately, God used this message to set me straight and put me back on the right path, and currently, I am letting God lead the way (God is foolproof!) so I may stay on the right track.

2. Building a family altar is important

At the end of that Saturday, God spoke to me before I fell asleep, as I prayed. For about a week, I had been laden with guilt over my anger towards my parents over something that had happened the day I commenced. I had lost every inch of hope and trust towards my parents, and I resolved in my heart not to talk to my mum ever again about my problems.

Needless to say, the silence took a toll on me - I was miserable for a whole week and grew astray from the Lord. However, when J talked about how the Devil takes joy when a Christian isolates themselves from the Lord and from their spiritual leaders and people of accountability, I was instantly struck. I realized that night that my mum was one of those people who I told everything to, and I was utterly accountable to, and that for an entire week, I'd allowed Satan to get into my head and convince me that the best course of action was to stop all my interactions with her for good. I knew I had made a mistake, and I'd repented and said I was sorry for believing such lies.

It was a liberating revelation, and I got some sleep that night.

What did I tell ya? So many lessons I'd picked up over the course of one weekend.

God is faithful :)

TML

That stands for too many lessons. Lessons learned within one week, that is.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
- Matthew 5:3

On Saturday, we had our youth leadership meeting, and during the meeting, we were told to read chapters five to seven in the book of Matthew. If you found that familiar, it's probably because those two chapters spell the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount. And if you thought the verse I quoted above was a lot more familiar, you might be right - that's the first line of the Beatitudes.

After we had finished reading, JN shared a message on the Beatitudes, about what Jesus meant in them and who each line referred to. When the verse above was being addressed, J asked a very important question -

"Who are the poor in spirit?"

One leader voiced, "The weak." I then mentioned, "The ones who easily fall for temptation." A couple others raised their views as well, but most of them went along the same lines. Anyhow, as expected, J's reply was this -

"The poor in spirit are the humble. They are the people who realize their spirit man is weak, and that they easily fall into temptation."

But what he said next was even more profound; "But when we are poor in spirit, we realize how rich God is."

Those words resounded within my mind, and slowly sank in as my fingers diligently stamped those words onto my S Memo. But it didn't strike me in spirit.

It was yesterday afternoon when I sent a friend of mine back to her house after an eventful morning attending The Color Run in KL and having banana leaf rice for lunch. I had to send her home because a) her parents weren't around to pick her up, and b) she had held onto some of my things, such as my Statistics notes and more importantly, my lecturer's professional recommendation. I'd passed my recommendation letter to her to get him to fill it up and sign, since he was her academic advisor as well and she was working there on a Tuesday, so I wouldn't have had to come to the university at such a strange hour in the morning to sort things out, when I had to be at uni at night as well for CF. And that, in essence, was my folly.

Although I had specifically e-mailed him on the procedures of filling up the form and SIGNING THE FLAP OF THE ENVELOPE before I could seal it, he somehow didn't do it. So you might think I should have told my friend to remind him, or even write a note to ensure that he did it. Thing was, I actually did. I left a post-it note on the form with proper instructions on what to do. I Whatsapp-ed my friend to ensure that she reminded him to sign the flap of the envelope, at all costs.

Nevertheless, for some yet unknown reason, he didn't do it. And he wasn't going to be in the office for another week.

When I received the envelope from her that afternoon, I was utterly pissed. I left her house in sheer disappointment, and made my way out of the housing area in my car. When I drove out, I turned out the wrong direction, as I entered the right side of the road where I sighted a dead end. Already frustrated and unwilling to do a three-point turn, I checked if the path behind me was clear of any traffic, and reversed my car straight and all the way to the back. With the accident from a couple of weeks ago still fresh in my mind, I made sure I looked backwards to see if there were any cars before I quickly reversed as such. However, I wasn't paying attention to my side mirrors and before I knew it, I had rammed my left side mirror onto the side of someone else's vehicle.

While my mirror did not completely break off, the edges of the frame cracked, while the entire casing bungeed onto the floor. On impulse, I uttered a chain of "Oh my God"s and jumped out of my car to observe the damage I had done to that innocent little side mirror that by the way, had absolutely nothing to do with whatever I was upset about. I picked up the fallen off casing and attempted to reinstall it onto the mirror. A part of me was relieved that I managed to stick it back onto the mirror, but a larger part of me was panicking because the damage was obvious, and I knew my dad would have been absolutely disappointed in me. I then told myself in a frenzy of emotion that I had to get it fixed on that day itself, and pay it with my own money, if I were to go home with a clear conscience. My dad couldn't find out about anything, because he would have chastised me for it, BIG TIME.

I made a three-point turn and drove down the road in the opposite direction. And then I just lost it.

I had absolutely no idea where to go, and I needed help. I couldn't figure this out on my own. I decided then to park my car at the side of the road and call a youth leader I was close to. He didn't pick up. I tried a different person, this time, J N, and he managed to pick up. Still bawling, I told him everything that happened and asked him where I could get my car fixed so I didn't have to tell my dad anything. J told me it was a Sunday, and that no workshops were open at the end of the week. He also told me that the right thing to do would be to be honest with my dad, because he probably valued our relationship over a material thing such as the car, and also told me to find the owner of the vehicle and leave my number there.

I managed to calm down for a bit after that, and I drove back to the spot I had hit the vehicle. I'm not sure if it was fortunate or otherwise, but it wasn't there anymore. I made a couple of rounds to see if I could find it anywhere because I specifically remembered I had made a dent on the right corner of the back of the vehicle, but it was nowhere to be found. Left without a choice, I exited the area and headed home.

I still found it strange how I managed to retain composure on the expressway, all the way home. I had stopped crying by then.

However, the moment I went home and confronted my parents, I started crying again. I struggled through the tears to profusely apologize to them, and eventually I retreated into my room and let the tears roll until I was calm again. A couple of minutes later, a knock on the door ensued. I already knew who it was, without a doubt.

I had gotten used to seeing my mum's response towards bad news, and often the bad news entailed my involvement in a road accident. I could sense the anger and disappointment in her voice as she questioned what went on in my mind while I was driving and all that had happened. I told her everything, about how the envelope wasn't signed, how I panicked and didn't focus on my driving and even how I made that call to J N, not knowing what to do. She sternly reminded me how this had become a serious problem and that I needed to make a choice.

I had to acknowledge that I had an issue with anxiety whenever I had to deal with a circumstance and do something about it, or blame something else on the account of my failure to focus on my driving.

Fortunately, I can peacefully say I chose the former. My mum and I established that the next time some bad news came up that stirred up feelings of anxiety, I would tell myself to and literally just STOP whatever I was doing at that point and continue to instill within me the fact that I had to CALM DOWN. I will tell myself to calm down and actually take deep breaths until I am mentally stable enough to carry on with whatever I was doing, especially DRIVING.

I still couldn't stop crying though. My mum told me to pick myself up and stop crying over spilt milk, because nothing could be undone, but I was already aware of that. I knew no amount of tears could change the fact that my side mirror was scratched or that my dad might have been severely disappointed in me.

I kept crying, because I realized at that point, what, or who I was. I was POOR IN SPIRIT. And I needed God. It was that moment, when I was utterly helpless and in need of grace that I had rekindled what it had felt like when I first encountered Jesus and realized how inadept I really was at figuring myself out. I couldn't. Only God could.

Anyhow, my dad came to me not long after that and said there wasn't much damage done to the mirror. He said he could easily fix it with some glue. Being the intelligent brat I was and still am, I knew deep inside that it was a lot worse than he'd said it was, but I kept silent, because I knew I was being shown grace and that I should openly receive it. For the first time in my life, I had known what it felt like to have a father's grace shown to me, in my physical family from my earthly father. And it was AMAZING.

My dad also told me that I could tell him and mum anything and everything, even if it was something as devastating as an accident. And obviously, I complied. My parents love me regardless of the hurts that I've caused them (although I could do less damage with my car), and I need to remember that at all times. Just like the Heavenly Father's love is given and is not earned, so are my parents' love. I guess I couldn't see that for a while, but my vision is clear as ever now.

So I learned three things over the weekend:

1. I have a choice whether to react to a situation or respond to it. Some of this fear is irrational, and worrying does not add an hour to my life. Nor does it change the fact that my recommendation was left unsigned. Anyhow, I managed to contact my lecturer and I'm meeting him this Friday to settle things, so PRAISE THE LORD! :D

2. I can trust my parents no matter what because they love me, and want the best for me. And that means chastising me for the things I've done wrong, and showing mercy when necessary. But I will always know that they love me and nothing comes above that.

3. I am poor in spirit, and that's a great thing!

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.

Love strength

Yes, yew. I'm talking about Yew, Ai Li.

Well, what a way to begin a farewell post. But I suppose you would've expected nothing less from me. I just hope you like my pun as much as I do myself (hehe).

Dear Ai Li,

I honestly feel that our friendship has been way too short. I only seriously got to know you for about three semesters (HIST102? Mehh) from when I met you in IPC class. At that time I didn't think we'd make good friends because you seemed pretty reserved, but now that almost an entire year of makan and amusement has gone by, I think I can actually call you a friend. Not just any friend, a TRUE friend.

I hope you're not lactose intolerant because I know that was cheesy. Ha-ha.

Anyway, thank you GeGirl for all that we've had during this brief period of friendship. Thank you for always being such a great sport when it comes to trying new things (and by things I really just mean food). Thank you for the heartwarming and mind-blowing conversations we've had. Thank you for putting up with my impromptu emo stances and sudden surges of energy that compel me to attack everyone with jokes lame enough to paralyze Usain Bolt. Thank you for the times you drove me to school when my car got into an accident. Thank you for bringing your brother to Sofia's house because now I realize I don't actually want a younger brother anymore. Thank you for giving me a great laugh when you become silly, regardless whether by circumstance or by choice.

But in all seriousness though, thank you for teaching me to let it go let it go can't hold it back any and live. You probably might be oblivious to this, but you've taught me a great deal about making the most out of life.

Having read your stories on your blog, I can really see that you've come a long way. I might not have known who the old Ai Li was compared to the one I know now, or perhaps you are still the same Ai Li you once were, but I can truly say that you've grown to some extent and you're still growing too. I really admired how you just decided you'd climb Mount Kinabalu and actually went ahead and did it, on your own initiative! If there's one thing I can relate to you about, it's probably the fact that we both have many aspirations, and that we have a bucket list of things we'd wanna do while we're still alive. Seeing you accomplish the things you've set out to achieve is amazing, and it inspires me to do the same too. I'm slowly gaining momentum on ACTUALLY GETTING THINGS DONE now, so I guess that's great, but yeah, I really wanted to know that you've taught me that and it has been a blessing in my life. So thank you, and I hope you're encouraged to hear this.

Nevertheless, there are so many more lessons we have yet to learn in life. Ai Li, I pray that you won't give up, in whatever you do. If you ever hear that voice in your head telling you that maybe you can't do it, tell it to shut up or else Vivian will personally go all the way to Indiana to rebuke you! (trust me, it ain't pretty when I rebuke stuff) Okay lah, I don't think I am financially ready to go several states away just to blast your insecurities, but you get my point. Don't let it get to you. Always remember that you are WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY made in His image, and that YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. Make sure that sticks, if anything. Continue to be a blessing to others, and treat everyone with kindness and compassion oh and don't worry be happy hehe.

Well, this has been lengthy. Before I spare you from the wrath of my long-windedness, I'd like to say I'm sorry if there was anything I may have said or done that dishonored you as a friend or hurt your feelings. I want you to know that I never meant any of it (even the jokes above are for purposes of humor and humor ONLY). I hope you can forgive me if any such instances have occurred, and that we can look past it and move on. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to refrain from making fun of if it really bothers you. I will do it, just for YEW. Okay everything except the puns. I GET TO KEEP THE PUNS.

I hope this gave you an idea of what our friendship has meant to me. I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless you and have a safe trip. Toodles!

Your exclusively hilarious friend,
Viviannnnnnn