Emosi

I'm starting to think my cynicism back in Malaysia is starting to turn on me.

I guess I deserve that, and I just gotta make do with it.

But then again, why am I taking this personally?

I don't know this guy. All I know is that he's just being cynical and seems like a pretty off-putting guy who doesn't give a damn about anything else other than for himself to be right. Yet again, I'm being counterproductive by giving him credit for that.

Take it to God, Vivian. You can't let this disease linger within you.

Hate is a horrible thing. Bitterness eats you up. Resentment will only get to you and make you a horrible person.

Don't let one stupid thing put you off. You can't keep pretending you follow Jesus if you don't have what the Word says in you. Hide His word in your heart, Viv.

Stop pretending. Let Jesus fill you up, instead of looking like you're full when inside you're empty. Hide in His wing. Cry out to Him. Let Him be your guide, let Him judge.

Yes, I am angry. But I also have a God who loves me.

Let Him decide my case.

2B or not 2B

I didn't come to America just to study.

Sure, I came as a student, but in the grand scale of things, I don't believe that this is the only reason why God has sent me here. I know I've always wanted to come to the States and take on their education system, but I'm more than convinced that this is not the sole purpose of my presence.

There's gotta be more than this.

It's been three weeks now since I first landed in America, and my first week here as a student in Texas has officially come to an end. It's strange, really. It feels like I've been here forever, like I've left home so long that I've just become a slightly different person. I feel like if I tried to drive here, I'd probably screw it up. I mean sure, the roads here are in the opposite direction and nothing here works exactly like it does back home, but I don't know if I'll lose my ability to use a car. It feels funny not driving, not knowing where things are and getting to them as quickly as I want to like I did back home.

So I've cried. Not as much as I'd expected to, but I've shed some tears. I miss home. I miss being able to have conversations with my mum after she gets back from work. I miss being able to pour out my heart and soul to her, and cry it all out and argue with her and shout in my room until I come to my sense and realized just how loved I am at home and that I should just calm down for Christ's sake. I miss knocking on muizies' door and running right back into my room with the door slammed shut just to irritate the heck out of her. And I miss that when I do go into her room, I end up complaining about everything, and having us both light up when we agree on the things that piss us off so much. I miss having my dad knock on my door just to check on me, or pass me money and trying so hard to make conversation when we both know we very much prefer silence over anything else.

I miss being able to wake up at 10AM and walking straight down to the kitchen, upon the aroma of fried sardines and ABC soup. I miss driving my grandma to Pasaraya to get ingredients for lunch and dinner, and just talking to her in the car and still talk to her even when we get home. I regret always playing with my phone when my grandma is saying something, because I know it was probably important but I chose not to pay attention anyway. But I thank God I paid attention to her stories, the accounts of what her childhood and youth was like, and even her adult life. I miss listening to her stories about Gong Gong and those about my mum and my aunts in their childhood.

My grandma. I miss my grandma. I loved how she could love so freely, because God's love was so in her that it couldn't help but overflow. I miss just having her dish out scripture after scripture to me as I went on and on about my problems, because that's when I knew the Holy Spirit was there with us, at the dining table and he's got it all covered.

I'd better stop, lest I shed tears again. My roommate is watching a movie right in front of me and I really don't want to bother her with my emotional tendencies, heh.

While I'm aware that my being here encompasses studying and making disciples of all nations etc., I'm not so sure specifically what I'm called to do here. Again, with the strange feels I have about this place. Since I got here, I've only been to two churches, and well, they're both a place of worship I'm not quite used to. It's a lot more solemn and still in baptist churches here than in my home church. It's not bad or anything, and well, they're good churches, but I'm just finding it hard to get used to. In fact, I'm constantly trying not to impose my own understanding of what church is to me on these churches I've been to. I really thank God I was led to CF in Taylor's, because at least I know now how to look at these things and still see the glory of God wherever I am, no matter how far things appear to be from the norms I've been assigned to all this while.

But yes, I do find it hard to adjust to things here. From lousy HB graphite replacing 2B pencils to interchanges between Fahrenheit and Celcius, this glove is definitely one-sized and does NOT fit all.

That's not to say that things haven't been going great here though. I've been extremely BLESSED.

Since I came to Texas, people here have been nothing but friendly. I am amazed at how hospitable and kind everyone is, it's crazy (for someone like me who is terribly cynical about the world, YES THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY NICE!). And that's just one way God has shown His love for me. I know God loves us as much as He loves the next person, but I'm learning now just how His love is so personal, so real and so BIG. I see it so clearly now, every day of my life and everywhere I am right here in this small town in West Texas.

I have not lacked anything from the day I stepped foot into this country, and I am extremely grateful for that. For one, I don't have to worry about food at all. I know the Caf would be closed on certain hours during the weekend or the public holiday and I'd have to buy myself food. Yet, so far I haven't had a problem with that. I would never run out of people to offer me a ride to get food, or even a place where I could get free food. It's CRAZY! The same goes with getting rides to Walmart, or finding people to have lunch with, or going to church, or even just for plain conversation. I've even found a roommate who I have quite a bit in common with, and I find that pretty cool. She's not too crazy, and I think we complement each other quite well as roommates. We typically study a lot and have things we can talk about (although we mostly do our own thing). She's not OCD about keeping the room kempt all the time and she likes coffee. Oh and she's Indian (American, but Indian nonetheless), and so we do have our Indian food cravings more than anything. I still find it hard to believe I have a roommate that will not induce trichotillomania within me (of course that's a bit more towards to the scientifically abnormal side of things and is not the kind of hair pulling girls do when they hate each other lol).

I have been blessed, I have been given more than I could ever hope to receive and I have learned quite a bit about myself from coming here. I've learned that I need to be responsible from myself, but that responsibility does need equal total independence. I cannot endorse self-pity, and expect people to be responsible for how I feel or the decisions I make; but I can draw wisdom from them if mine is insufficient because God puts people in my life for a reason. I need to be able to take care of myself, but when I can't manage, I know I can get help from others. People here are more than happy to help (I absolutely love this about living in the South!) and won't take it personally if I don't understand or doubt what they're saying. I choose to trust people, but I still am discern in choosing those I trust. Each day, I am convinced of this truth - I cannot use the same model of how to navigate life that I employed back home, to do life here in the forty acres.

God is teaching me new things every single day, and I am eager to learn. And He gives me new mercies every morning to overcome, regardless of the circumstances (and the cold).

Yet the question still begs to be answered - What am I doing here?

Only God knows. And the only way I'll ever find out, is to spend time with Him. Moments of silence and concentration are really hard to come by. When I lived alone, it was hard even focusing on God; but now that I have a roommate, I hardly ever find a conducive place where I can come before God and have a quiet time with Him. I guess I'll just have to work that out. God is omnipresent and He is sovereign, so that shouldn't be an excuse for not communing with the Heavenly Father.

To conclude, here's a scripture you might be immune to from having heard it countless times as a Christian (or maybe your Christian friend has mentioned). I had a "Wow" moment when it was quoted in Selma, a film of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, who fought for the civil rights of the African American people during the 60s. Not sure if it's in Malaysia, but if it is, go watch it. It is AWESOME!

SPOILER ALERT:

This was quoted when Dr. King and his fellow activists were imprisoned after supposedly causing a scene in one of their peaceful protests at the courthouse in Selma, Alabama. He was really discouraged, and was worried about what would happen to the movement if he'd been killed. However, Ralph Abernathy turns to King and says,

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"

- Matthew 6:26-27

Sorry stupid post

I'm scared.

I want to go home. I don't want to stay here anymore. I just want to be with family.

I just want to talk to Popo. I want to hear her singing in the kitchen, her singing in the shower. I want to drink clear chicken soup in the dining room and complain about her drinking too much coffee, and her watching too many Hokkien dramas. I want to listen to her grandmother stories, the vivid recollections of her childhood and youth. I want to say goodnight and rest early to her before I solemnly agree to go to sleep and secretly surf the net until 1AM.

Yet, I also want to talk about this new place I'm gonna call home for the next two years. But I can't, because my face is doused in tears and I'm trying hard as hell to hold this fort up when everything's crumbling down.

I'm scared, and I really miss home.

Welcome to America

It’s been a week now since I landed here in New York, in the U.S. of A. It’s been exciting, just experiencing the culture and visiting world-renowned places first hand; not via TLC on Astro or some media-inclined stereotypical interpretation of America.

Getting connected with my relatives definitely gave me a glimpse of what the country has to offer. My grandaunt and her family offered a tonne of insight into New York and generally, life in America. Although, they moved to the States a few decades ago, their enthusiasm for the place they’ve called home hasn’t faltered. My granduncle certainly hasn’t hesitated in sharing his love for America. He kept going on and on about what a great place the States is and how it made him feel over breakfast this morning. To reiterate (and translate from Cantonese to English) his point, America is a place that makes him happy. America offers many things, material and non-material; both of which fulfilled man’s desire to be well, happy.

“You can do anything here. In America, you are free to become who you want to be.”

They said I was a genius to have chosen to study in America. Well, I guess I’d have to agree (c’mon they be complimentin’ my decision makin’ skills whaddup).

On the other hand, this same liberty I am learning to embrace is equally as daunting. Given that America is definitely notches higher in the liberalism scale than in Malaysia, things are bound to get crazy (on the grand Malaysian scale of things, that is). Suddenly the sky isn’t the limit anymore.  And if I choose to be terribly negative and not focus on the hope that is in Jesus, limit ceases to exist in the pre-existing thoughts and vocabulary of people here.

Things probably differ from state to state, but people here in New York are pretty vociferous. You could be as loud as you’d like here, and it’d be “your right” to do so. People might raise an eyebrow or have their attention stolen for a second or two, but generally, people don’t care much. Americans are pretty vocal about everything; they’d tell you to get out of the way if you were in it and it’d be okay. If you were being a douche on the road and taking up way too much parking space when you could have moved forward by a few inches so another car could slide into a spot (true story bro), they’d say it to your face how douche-y you are, and more. Well, I guess I’d expected vulgarity every now and then, but I’m still quite taken aback by how “okay” everything can be. Sometimes it just seems like there aren’t any rules here, like you could do what you want and measure it against your own moral and ethical rule.

To me, this begged a question. A question easily answered, but a question nonetheless. And you  know how much I like asking questions. How would I then know how far is too far? When then will things be okay, and how will I know if I’ve made the right choice?

That’s why Jesus came, and when he left, the Holy Spirit. Lah. Yes, that lah was necessary, because I honestly like speaking Manglish a lot better than this ciplak version of an American accent. Pai seh.

In the last couple of days I’ve been having some doubts about coming to America. Some incidents that occurred here (which I will not care to mention because you know, TL;DR) have managed to conjure a sense of fear and anxiety about what is to come in the next two years. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to discern accurately who is good or bad. Not as in a ‘I-hate-you-because-of-your-skin-color-way’ or ‘I-like-you-because-we-both-listen-to-Coldplay’ kinda way, but rather in a ‘I-need-the-Holy-Spirit-to-teach-me-discernment’ way. I definitely lack in that department.

But if there’s one thing I realize, it’s this – God has made a way for me here. Sure, it’s over fifteen thousand kilometres away from home, and I’ve been pretty sheltered by both my physical and spiritual family all this time that coming out here and attempting to thrive and not just survive is a lot to behold. Yet, deep inside, I know I’m exactly where I need to be.

I’ve always felt like there was a need to get away from the comfort and confines of my nest in TTDI, KL and embark on this journey of studying abroad. I know I’m not going to be perfectly fine in the first few months I’m here in the States, but I’m going to make it. I’m going to work through the trials and temptations with God by my side, and come out strong. I’ve been given a chance by my loving Heavenly Father to experience life a different way, and perhaps my faith in a spectacular way as well. I don’t diminish the experiences I’ve had in Malaysia, with CF and the youth church, but I’m all for growth. I’m all for stepping out of the culture and expectations of my home church and learning and encountering God anywhere else in this world.

And right now, that’s here – in the U.S.A.

Only time will tell how I fare, but until then, keep me in your prayers. Whoever you are, at any time zone, reading this blog post, I ask that you intercede for me. I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water in this really emotional and fragile time of transitioning from the old to the new and it has taken a toll on my walk with God. The word of God that I once regarded so highly has suddenly gone to the bottom of the list. It’s almost off the list, actually. And that’s scary. I can’t let that happen.

I know my walk is my responsibility and it’s a choice I have to make, but I’d still like you guys to pray for me. Not out of obligation, but out of love. Out of relationship. I haven’t shared this blog with many people, and those whom I have shared this with, I truly trust and consider my dearest friends. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to people, something I have found very difficult to do all my life, but can do with the strength of God. So keep me in your prayers. I’ll do the same for you, fo sho.

Uni starts in over a week, and I’m really excited! I’ll be flying to Texas tomorrow, where I’ll call
home for the next two years. I guess journey mercy would be a great thing to include in your prayer for me, haha. But yeah, that’s about it.

And here we go!

New Year's Resolutions?

Naaaaaaaah.

While we each bring something new to the table each new year with our resolutions and desires, I think sometimes we spend a great deal trying so hard, trying to make this year different. We strive so hard to accomplish something, and halfway through we get demotivated and fail to achieve what we set out to do.

But may I suggest that in order to grow - to narrow that gap between who we once were and are to who we need to become, we must hold on to what is unchanged. We need to grasp that which is greater than we can imagine, steadfast in its nature. What is eternal, and not bound to the confines of this temporal dimension in which we live in.

What is, or who is, is GOD.

If anything, drawing near to God and abiding in His love will suffice for this year, and the years that come after that. It will lead us to respect those whom we serve with and to esteem them highly in their love for their work. It will give us peace among ourselves. It will bring realization to the idle, encourage the fainthearted, assist the weak and allow us to be patient with everyone. It will help us forgive and thus deplete the fuel of vengeance, but look forward to do good to each other and to everyone.

If anything should be constant, let it be this - that we always rejoice, that we pray without ceasing, that we give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. If ever in doubt, don't give up on the Spirit that is in you. Don't just write off prophecies, but test everything and hold fast to what is good. But whatever you do, stay away from every form of evil.

This year, I ask that God, the only provider of peace himself sanctify you completely. I pray your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at God's coming, His entry into this broken world, to us. I'm confident that He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Sounded familiar? 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24. These may be Paul's words, but I mean them all the same. Let's set our eyes on the ONLY constant worth holding onto, and let Him guide us from glory to glory. Be not concerned about finishing the race stronger by what we can do, but let Him be the light that shines through our broken vessels :)

2015 whaddup

So it's finally midnight here in NYC.

Looking back at 2014, I still don't think I could have made it through such a challenging year on my own. God has been faithful throughout 2014. I commenced sophomore year in ADP with flying colors. I applied and got into a Christian uni with a sizeable amount of scholarship. I finished my second term in CF and made lifelong friends. I found the courage to share Jesus with a close friend. Oh and I got a job at a hipster cafe when I thought I wasn't cool enough lol. On a heavier note, I took on psychotherapy to deal with my anxiety and anger. I had to learn to put myself on the line and love others in spite of my fears of having them unrequited.

But more importantly, I learned to make God my refuge and strength regardless of my circumstances. I've learned so much of His Word this year, and its been a light unto my feet. I may not have had many close friends, I appreciate the few but faithful angels I have by my side who I've encountered this year. I found my voice and stood for what I believed in despite what the conforming thought was.

2014 has been a year of many firsts. God placed me on the training ground of life, prepping me for something bigger. This year, I'm up for the test. This is the real thing.

Thank you loves (you all know who you are) for such an amazing year. Goodbye 2014. Welcome 2015. Happy New Year! :)