Friday, April 6, 2012

The broken ones

So yeah, I'm currently listening to the song as I figure out what to write about in this space. I guess I'll start with how my week has been.

It's been fairly hectic with so much to do. Just last weekend, I was in Malacca for a leadership camp and that pretty much held back most of my assignments and school work. I also spent almost the entire day at church after school practicing for the youth performance I was involved in for the Good Friday eve service on Thursday which meant I had to skip choir, English Lit and BM tuition all in the same day.

I'm currently in an emotional state because there have been so many thoughts in my mind recently. I've had some self-inflicted drama because I've been feeling so isolated from my circle of friends just because I always happen to be the one who to make an even number odd and for some reason, it bothers me because I get ignored a lot. Moreover, because I'm just so different, I somehow can't relate to them because I'm slightly more extroverted. And if that wasn't bad enough, I underwent a state of trauma a few days ago because I saw something that disgusted and frightened me at the same time. I didn't share this with anyone although it disturbed me so horribly and affected the way I saw someone really important in my life, but I feel that it's somewhat stupid and I just hope I'll forget it as time goes by.

Right now, I'm just feeling lonely and forlorn thinking about a guy I've admired for quite some time now. I've told myself over and over again that I shouldn't pursue or even take note of this feeling because I'm positive that it will amount to nothing and the last thing I want is to screw up my senior year with drama. I already have so much to do on my hands that I do not even have time to physically plan everything and I honestly don't have time for anything else, especially not romance or unrequited love.

I won't say I'm in love, because I'm not. I would simply categorize my emotions as mere admiration, or perhaps a hint more than that. I like his sense of humour, but at the same time I am irritated by his constant dishing of sarcasm. He once stated that he means what he says most of the time and that is why I'm pretty upset about it. Apparently, I'm not even considered a girl and that I'm too crazy and abnormal and such a kid that I just don't fit in his list of people to hang out with. At this point, I should be hating him with all my heart but I'm not. I'm actually hurt by the things he says but at the same time, I have a good laugh when he jokes. I guess all of this will not suffice when it comes to a real relationship.

See, this is why I said I'll probably be single for the rest of my life.

It's 12.41AM now. I should go to sleep since there's leaders meeting tomorrow.


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