The purpose of this blog was to express myself, whether eloquently or visually, through writing and photography. However, I've noticed I've been posting more photos than actual written posts and in some way, it doesn't actually depict how I feel currently. Every time something crosses my mind, I tell myself "I think I'll blog about this tonight" and I end up feeling lazy or becoming pre-occupied with homework that I just can't afford to take the time to just burst into words. So I tell everyone I'm going on a hiatus because I'm too busy and I can't afford to waste each precious second writing when I could be doing something more important.
But I've come to realise that although my exams are closer, life is passing by as quickly as time comes and goes and when I don't list down the events that have occurred, I usually don't remember them. I already have so many facts to remember as a Pure Science student and that doesn't make reminiscing any easier. Therefore, I will not continue going on hiatus although I also won't say I've blog diligently. Let's just leave it at that.
Anyhow, I'll just jot down a brief account on how God answered my prayers yesterday ago.
If you're not familiar with how government school students are assessed on their English for SPM, there are actually two aspects they test you on. Firstly, they examine you theoretically, through written exam which we are all accustomed to, government or international. Secondly, they conduct an oral test where speech is required in order to see your verbal communication skills in the English language. I sat for the latter yesterday. As the oral test this year was to be done in a group, we had to choose from activities that could accommodate about 5 people in a group. The two main options were drama and forum, and my group settled for the latter since not everyone was gifted in the performing arts department and it was easier to come up with questions and opinions for the forum. Immediately, we discussed about what topic was good to talk about and somehow after a few suggestions, my friend decided to talk about gay marriage, or generally, the LGBT community.
I had to admit, I wasn't surprised but the issue arose when I discovered out of all my friends, I was the only one who didn't agree to same sex marriages. I was told to state my points as to why I opposed it and present it during the forum later on. But as my decision was based on religious grounds as well lack of inferential analysis and knowledge about the topic, I found myself protesting internally. I didn't want to talk about it because it was such a sensitive thing and I had a couple of bad experiences being judged for my faith and obedience towards God because I didn't believe that homosexuality existed from birth so I just didn't want to do it. I offered to switch to another group so I wouldn't have to make all of them change their topic but we continued discussing as they tried to adjust the topic so it would include me. I was praying in my heart that I didn't want to do it and I called for help to God.
Just then, the group before my group's turn came up to do their oral test and to my surprise, they made a drama about homosexuality. Not wanting to cause controversy, we decided to switch our topic to Malaysians migrating overseas. Instantly, I let out a sigh of relief. God heard my prayer and I am so grateful for it, even today. In the end, we stated our points on international emigration of Malaysian citizens for the forum. I oppose emigration and since it was at the last minute, I didn't expect to get high marks for it. But as God's grace was somehow upon me, I got a 29/30 for my oral test. I was elated but ultimately, I thank God for answering my prayer and giving me this blessing of such high oral marks!
Another event where God answered my prayer was after school yesterday. If you've read a few of my previous posts, you might have noticed I have issues with some of the classmates I hang out with and that I've always wondered why they act the way they do and how much it upsets me when I'm hurt and they just don't do anything. In between school and the intensive revision class for Add Math yesterday, a friend of mine which I had known since Form 1 and I sat alone in the classroom doing our revision to pass the time before our class. Instead of discussing about studies and K-pop, which we usually did, we sort of spoke about more emotional details of our lives, which started with my friendship with the guy who used to be my best friend. After a brief exchange of opinions and agreements, I was somewhat prompted to ask her if she still spoke to her old group of friends. She replied with a no and there was a slight pause there.
Eventually, she began to open up about what had occurred in the past. I won't state details of what happened but in summary, her group of friends turned their back on her and although she tried questioning them and asking them what had she done wrong so she could make up for it, they never told her anything. They left her stranded with no one to complain to and nothing to work towards, nothing to fix in fact. It left quite a huge scar in her, although she did not personally address it in such a way. But I could understand it and I am describing what I metaphorically decipher from it.
Our conversation was halted when the Add Maths teacher came in and we had our IRC class, but we continued conversing after the class during badminton, which we attended simply because we were waiting for our siblings to finish their activities. Through that conversation, I finally understood why she acted the way she did and who she really was inside. It was a really "jiwang" moment, but I'm glad it happened because I received the answers I had been waiting for all along. I realised that sometimes friends don't mean to hurt us on purpose. Most of the time, it is something negative that has happened in the past that changes our nature and causes us to build walls or barriers to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. But often, in the process of trying to protect ourselves, we end up unintentionally hurting those around us.
I felt guilty after that heart-to-heart session we had yesterday, but I'm also glad we had it. I received wisdom from God and I know it was from God because I could feel He was there, providing the atmosphere and giving me the right words to say. I didn't say much, but I listened and I think that was important. I talk a lot usually but this time I just listened. And for once, I felt I did something right by being silent.
So I can safely say that I've received closure in this issue. My friend will still does what she does and she may still hurt me occasionally whether on purpose or unintentionally, but I will always understand why and I'll judge a person immediately based on how they behave anymore. It takes a lot more analysis and wisdom from God to wholly understand someone and although I won't say I'm an expert, I've definitely grown from this experience.
I'm stronger now in the midst of adversity. Not perfect, but better :)