I feel like a total idiot right now being the pathetic admirer of someone whose soul is still attached to the one who got away from him, knowing that I stand no chance at all. Not even a rebound, just plain nothingness.
I feel even more stupid as I type this right now. I should have never let my emotions get the better of me. I should have stuck with being ignorant, mean, annoying and scientific. I should have nullified every bit of my thoughts, whims and fantasies regarding him at the first thought of my mind.
Instead, now I sit here typing this because I am so frustrated with myself for not avoiding him completely and preventing myself from talking to him. If only there was some sort of turn off, or even something that could make me just completely dislike or lose respect for him so I would stop being so [insert adjective here] already.
But I'm not going to let frustration take a hold on me. I control my thoughts and my mind, not vice versa. Therefore, I will not give in. I'll just pray and ask God for help while I try my best to keep my thoughts at bay with His help.
I wonder if regret is a valid emotion to feel at the moment.
I'll probably get over him soon enough.. As long as I don't see him often.
Unfortunately, I haven't been reading the Word much lately. I do pray almost everyday but I don't actually make an effort to read the bible much. The last time I read it was yesterday but that was a brief moment because I felt the Spirit called me to see what He had to say after receiving a prayer request from my friend. Tears immediately filled my eyes as I read Psalms 119 and I felt God's presence instantly, although it was only for a short while. But other than yesterday, I don't recall anything else.
I should probably stop rambling about life in such an emotional light.
On a lighter note, school was pretty interesting today. I brought my gear to school for the class photo shoot so I had many photo ops in class and during the photo shoot. I managed to take numerous shots of my friends and I in our vintage costumes. Most of my friends wore vintage clothing, but I chose to wear a baju kebaya, which was more traditional than vintage but I guess it did stand out among the rest in the end. Getting compliments and looks from so many people at school today kinda baffled me, but hey, it's my senior year and my final year, so why bother?
It was uncomfortable and really warm posing outdoors although there was a tree for a shade, but the photos Cheng Yeaw took turned out pretty well, so I guess it's somewhat worth it. I assume it's safe to say that today was one of those days where I got to be in the photo instead of take the photo, so I'm happy :)
Other than the photo shoot, there was a number of free periods throughout the day which I wasted with conversation and creating ample lame jokes to crack people up with. I feel really guilty, but not guilty enough to instantly bring out my work and do it at home. I spent some time during Mod Math conversing with my teacher and to my surprise, she agrees that students have a lot on their hands these days and it's so tiring that most people lose the will to learn in their youth, which I find is true. Puan Gan is probably my favourite teacher now because she can somewhat relate to students although her principles and stands may be different from us and there's no doubt I'll remember her long after my high school days.
I also spent part of my Physics period camwhoring with the classmates from my lab table in the Physics lab. I think my Puan Zuraidah is upset with me because I took a photo of her although she doesn't say anything. We tried to make her sing on the mic though, but that failed. As for BM, my group consisting of Chee Yee, GaGa (Ga Sheng), Cheng Yeaw and of course, myself had to present our anthology slides on Powerpoint. I won't say we did an amazing job, but Cheng Yeaw's insertion of the poodle at the credits did score us a few "Awww"s here and there. Oh and someone actually thought his poodle was a teddy bear. Haha.
So I guess that's all there is for today. It's a public holiday tomorrow and I can choose to stay up until 2AM but I won't, because I've lost enough sleep already. I'll post up some photos tomorrow.
Ta and nights.