Paranoia

I'm only saying it as it is.

I am pretty paranoid. I think perhaps, that is the main reason behind my frequent plunging into a sea of emotions and melancholy.

When people tell me what they see in my life, no one says there's anything wrong. Everyone thinks I'm always having a ball of a time. People judge from my Facebook activity that I am okay, and deduce from my Instagram photos that I am living the life. I can't say the same about Twitter because I was pretty downtrodden in my tweets, but now that I've deleted my account, I can't say anything at all. I've also been doing quite well academically, which leaves me without almost no reason to fret about my future; and yet I find all of this meaningless. At the end of the day, I question, "So what?"

So I don't feel okay. I don't feel like I'm living the kind of life people think I'm living. I don't think I'm actually happy. I won't use the word depressed, but I'm just sad most of the time.

I'm sad because I don't think I'm going anywhere in my life, or that I've gotten anywhere in the past one year. I feel like this semester has made me an unproductive loser, because I don't have a part time job and I'm constantly browsing the internet for no absolute reason at all. I don't feel I've done enough in CF because everything seems to have fallen short of what we'd set out to do as a committee. And I don't think I've served enough in church. Despite the time I spend in church, I still don't have that utter sense of belonging. I always feel like I am within, and yet without. I could be laughing at a joke, seemingly oblivious to everything else happening around me, and still see myself shut out from the world, from an omniscient third person perspective. It's kind of like a novel come to life; with the exception that it is my life, and I'm suppose to be living it, not watching it happen.

I know this all sounds very familiar, like something you've heard from The Great Gatsby or something. I guess Fitzgerald couldn't have put it any better... Life really is stranger than fiction.

I always search for an excuse to be with people, to engage in conversation with people I share the same faith with, or just people in general; but even when I do, I feel as if I should retreat and be with myself. And when I am with myself, I over think it all. I start to wonder if my idleness is a legitimate condition of life, and if I should stop being alone and spend time with people. Basically, when I do either, the grass becomes a kaleidoscope of colors that I'm confused as to which one is greener.

So yes, it does suck to be in my head. Sure, I have "intelligence" and the "ability to think critically", which helps a lot in university, but apart from that, my head is a battlefield in which wars are waged on a daily basis (or to be brutally honest, every split second). Remember I quoted my friend about having versions A and B of a psyche in one head? Well, that's really just a simplification of what's going down in my cerebral coconut.

I'm a complex person, and I don't see myself becoming anything lesser than that anytime soon. I'm okay with that though, because I believe God created everyone differently and this is just how He intended for me to be. And I know in spite of everything, He'll always be there for me. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

I'm pretty glad I'm starting to see how everything is really just all in my head. This fear I have regarding the prospect of being alone forever, or that no one truly loves me because of my incompetencies and tendency to erupt into a mess of salt and H20 whenever I am challenged emotionally; it's all a blatant lie. A fabrication of some strongholds in my life. Only God can get rid of them for me, and only I can let Him. I know I am a child of God, and no one can take that away from me, if I choose Him always.

Things have become a little more organized today as I'm getting back on track with devotion and delving in worship on weekday mornings. I'm even writing some songs of my own to sing unto Him, based on scriptures that have encouraged me in these trying times. I'm not sure if I'll ever publicly tell my church friends about these endeavors since we're thinking of writing songs of our own, but I know He'll lead me as I go along, so that's something I should let happen in His timing. But yeah, it's in the works.

I should really be getting back to finishing (more like starting, actually) my short story. It's due in 10 days and I haven't written a single word.

Ta.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

Philippians 4:8

Of two Vivians and a Dr. Tan

One of my closest brothers in Christ once told me that he could relate to my mental struggles. He said there were two versions of himself, A and B, and they always contradicted one another. He told me he learned not to succumb to the thoughts planted by the enemy, and to always remember God's love supersedes everything else and thus, to put Him first.

At first I didn't quite buy the whole analogy of having two versions of ourselves, but now that this conflict has materialized so prevalently, I finally understood what he said that night in the car, en route home via the NKVE. Because it's real, and it's happening, even right now.

It's crazy how much I over think these days. I could be doing something as mundane as washing my car, and instantly I'd be transported into an alternate reality where some of my biggest fears come to life. In real time I am a university student, bound to head to the States in less than six months; but in another universe, I am unhappily married to a man I don't love out of obligation. Well, that escalated abruptly, didn't it?

I'm crazy.

But fortunately, another part of me comes swooping in, summoning a word of scripture to bind the naive realist in me. I realize then and there, while wiping the moisture off my rearview mirror, that there is more to life than to fear about never finding someone to love. I remember what I'd told myself a year ago about what I'd wanted to do. I remembered my heart for Malaysia, for the children who didn't have the same opportunities as I did in the realm of education. I remember my desire to go to the States, to acquire as much knowledge and experience as I could, so I could come back here to make a difference in this nation.

And then it struck me.

I don't know how that's gonna work out, but I know God sees everything and it will all come to pass in time.

I don't need to worry, or fear, because He is in control.

A couple of months ago I attended a Christian psychological conference on culturally sensitive counselling. I remember a Dr. Tan expounding details on cognitive behavioral therapy. In doing so, he also addressed and debunked certain myths on psychology. I recall a specific mention on the validity of neutrality when it comes to our thoughts. Dr. Tan said that there is no such thing as a neutral thought. There are only thoughts, and each thought can either be positive or negative. However, it is important to remember that our thoughts are not who we are. We might think of something bad, or something good, but it does not mean it is or will always indicate our inherent nature. Rather, we have the liberty to reject thoughts we do not want, and replace them with the word of God.

And I guess I've forgotten that. I've forgotten to take a deep breath and realize that I am not my thoughts. I've just been trying to do everything myself and it's not working out. I've been so worried about what I'm doing right or wrong that I'm not putting my focus on the only thing that matters - JESUS.

I can't do this with my own human strength, I need to draw it from Him and then work things out. During the conference, there was another analogy I found relevant. I can't recall exactly what items were used in the example, but I will try and explain it according to what I remember. Our journey with Christ is like a path, that goes onward. In order to stick to this path, there is a light in front of us that guides us and keeps us on our focus. At the risk of sounding cliche, that light is God. Nevertheless, on the sides of the path there are distractions, and these distractions will move along with us as we progress onward. And these, you can't get rid of.

But as Christians, our duty is to remained focus on the light that will keep us on that path, and not turn our eyes to the distractions around us. If we abandon the pursuit of the light, we will remain engrossed in the insubstantial matters on the sidelines, that will never benefit us, but lead us to an endless reciprocity of hopelessness, fear and guilt. But if we keep our eyes on Him, we will live by the love of God and never lose track of what we've been called to, and whom.

And it's Him. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

I still have no idea how things are gonna be like two years from now. I don't know who I'm ever gonna marry, or if I even will get married. But I don't care, because I remember who I am, and what I've been called to do.

And everything else, is secondary.

The Lord is my Shepherd,

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows,

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength,

He guides my every path,

bringing honor to His name

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies,

You honor me by anointing my head with oil,

my cup overflows with blessings.

Sure your goodness and unfailing love with pursue me

all the days of my life

and I will live in the house of the Lord, forever.

Scripture of the week guys - Psalms 23. It's embedded in my head now, and I promise you I didn't copy that from the internet ahaha.

Amen.

Coconut tree

I honestly don't know what I'm doing these days. On the outside, I seem to be taking on each day as usual, living each moment to the extent it is deemed adequately lived. Inside, however, I am all but okay.

I don't remember how it happened. I don't recall what it was that made me slip out of that momentum of obedience and passion for Christ. My spiritual life has been dry and sure, I see God working in many different ways, but something seems to be missing. I wonder if I'm trying hard enough to seek Him, or if there's a hindrance that disallows me from finding my dad in Heaven. And a lot of times, I wonder if it's because I haven't exactly made a substantial amount of progress with my dad at home.

Yeah sure, we went out two nights ago to watch the World Cup finals at Mayang, but not much was said or done. I had him accompany me, but I wasn't sure if that was a legit dad-daughter hang out sesh. And I'm still wondering. But just when I think perhaps things could take a turn for the better, I've done something to disappoint him, yet again.

I rammed my Swift into a coconut tree.

Yes, as funny and absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I caused that dent on the back of my car by hitting a coconut tree. I was reversing my car while attempting a three point turn at a housing area, but as I kept my focus forward, my back (and only) sensors somewhat fell asleep and didn't tell me that my car was about to hit something. But it did, and when I drove to the side of the street to examine my car, I saw the dent.

Well crap.

Anyway, I couldn't do much to salvage the damage done (pushing the dent outwards failed) so I guess I had to carry on with whatever I had planned for the day and worry about it later.

And so I drove to Klang with JY by my side. Fortunately, we managed to find the place after a safe journey there, so that was one good thing that happened today.

I'm sure anyone who's reading this right now is probably thinking, "One good thing? Your Instagram pictures show otherwise."

Well, you gotta make the most out of everything and I think yeah, I had a great time today. I got my bak kut teh fix, and I got to visit Setia City Mall and go into jakun mode at that beautiful lawn. That was good.

It could have been better though, if I wasn't having period cramps. But the thing about life is that it throws you lemons sometimes, and you just gotta learn to make lemonade and stop whining about how sour everything tastes.

Okay, so I guess that makes it three good things that happened today. Oh wait, four, considering that I finished one more bit of my research paper. I have four more bits to go, but I think I'll manage it, given that I have an entire day to finish it tomorrow (if I don't procrastinate).

So I guess the bottom line is that today was a relatively good day. And even if things did go wrong, it still was a day gone by and a day accounted for in my life; and I will not disregard it.

After all, even Job, the man who undertook a whole lot of crap from Satan when the Lord allowed for him to be tested said in Job 2:10, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

What difference should it make? Is life meant to be a sugar coated endeavor in which we are immune to all inconvenience? Does receiving the bad undermine the ability of God to be in control and exert His holiness?

NO. Our God is just. God will always be God, even in spite of our fickle and fallen nature.

I guess I've found my answer then. I need to continue to pursue Him, until I find out what this is all about.

God is always God, His love never fails and though I don't always see Him, He remains omnipresent and REAL in my life.

To You

Sometimes I wish I would just say less and mean more.

I broke the momentum and this is where it has gotten me.

I need to come back to You. Only You can pull me out of this. You said you wanted us to KNOW you, and not offer sacrifices.

I want to know You.

And I want to move on from all of this.

The past week has been fatal, and repressive to the spirit man, and I realize I can do nothing apart from You. I need to run home to You again, God. I need you, God.

I don't live to please people. I live to do what You have called me to do. My life is Yours.

And to think that in one month, I will be undertaking the painstaking process of university applications. But I know why I'm going, and I know I'll be a better person because of it.

You've taken me this far by Your grace, and I'm to be taken further. My faith will grow.

And really, there's nothing else I need to know. You are in control, and I need to stop looking at the surface where negatives breed, and see Your ultimate plan. I need to look at the roots, not just the leaves.

Real student life is about to start. And You're going to be there every step of the way. I cannot live without You.