Chemicals React

I don't think I've mentioned this before but I visited a Chemistry Department last Tuesday. There were plenty of exhibitions, experiments and games regarding various concepts of Chemistry to learn about. It was really interested but tiring at the same time because we had about three floors of exhibits to check out, but it was really informative and fun as well. I didn't manage to play all the games or do all the quizzes as I was snapping away for the most part, but I did score a some prizes from the few I played.

Walking in.

A brief explanation on pesticides for fruits and vegetables.

A structure of the DNA molecule.

Miniature model of genetically modified crops and animals on a plain.

Model of various types of bacterium.

A briefing on how to use an electronic pipette.

Since you can adjust the volume to any amount automatically by turning a knob somewhere, it's pretty accurate.

Slow shutter on a colourful orb.

Levitation, duh.

Volcanic eruption initiated by mixing of various chemicals. I don't remember all of them but I'm pretty sure soda bicarbonate was part of it. Sorry.

Translation : Welcome to the world of Biotechnology.

Starting off the next leg of our Chemistry exploration with a quiz.

Earthworms as a provider of fertilizer.

A model of environmental pollution.

Among the waste products that cause pollution.

Some paper leaves with messages as a means of raising awareness regarding conserving the environment.

Water, H2O molecule.

Zhi Jean, happy and smiling :)

Do our part to save mother earth!

The hallway. I thought it looked artsy with the light streaming inside the building.

Observing an exhibit of written work.

Haha silly Men Yee :P

Arrived at school at about 2.20P.M.

Oh look, it's Christopher Cheah!

So yeah, that's about it. I hope you enjoyed reading this post. I'm actually talking to the void though, because according to blog stats I haven't had any hits for a while now :(

Hollar if someone read this.

Leggo

Needed to make this quick so excuse the extremely random and redundant title.

This week has been all about results, interviews and divine intervention.

My results have been satisfactory. I haven't received my official results yet since there are some amendments to be made to my BM and Moral marks due to PEBEL which will either make or break me this term. My friends have calculated my GP and I'm estimated to be the fourth in class for the mid terms. This is good news since I placed 8th for the last exam. I've had 3A+ so far, an A, a couple of A- and 3B+. I didn't do as well for my Moral, Physics and Biology this time but I improved on my Chemistry. I am super grateful to God for that for I didn't just jump from a C to an A, but an A+. I have never gotten an A for Chemistry prior to this, but now I have achieved it. God fulfilled His promises and I improved slightly for the mid terms. Praise God! I still have my other Sciences to work on, but knowing that God does His part as long as I do mine just encourages me to strive forward and continue to do my best in school.

I received an e-mail last Thursday to attend the interview for the exchange programme I was applying for. So it appears they have everyone go for the interview in order to decide who gets to go abroad, which means everyone has an equal amount of chance in this. I met a lot of other great people who signed up for YES programme to the U.S. at the interview site, SMK Seksyen 4 in Kota Damansara and had a great time overall.

The interview was pretty tough for me as I got the strictest interview panel where the interviewer required me to speak in BM which I could not do so fluently and I even had to sing in the end because I mentioned that I was the secretary in the Choir Club. That was pretty cool though. I had a lot of tough questions to take on such as queries about the Muslim culture, my opinions on Islam, what I thought about terrorists, how would I survive if I was placed in the suburbs, what did I think about generalizing, how would I cope if I was abroad and someone from home had passed away and so on. But the hardest part for me was probably when I had to explain my day in school in BM. It was terribly hard. I'm only eloquent, not fluent! I just hope I don't appear as a racist or anything of the sort. I answered based on what I could think of at the moment, so I didn't really think about it until I came home but hey, what's done is done. The rest is in God's hands.

As for divine intervention? God has really ministered to me and showed Himself to me through the reading of His Word, worship and so on throughout this week. I've had to cope with so many things, especially the beginning of the revelation of God's plan for my future that it's been utterly overwhelming and has left me in tears most of the time. I've been feeling condemned about playing for worship, lost in deciding what the future has in store for me that I don't realize God knows what I will become and has his plans for me. But God has been ever faithful. I prayed for direction in my education and asked God to reveal His plan for me in His time, and the following day I received the e-mail regarding the interview for the exchange programme. It's not a complete breakthrough and merely a hint of what is in store for me, but I am truly grateful because He is beginning to guide me!

The Devil has been trying to take control of my mind so it would show in my actions and behaviour towards others, but I've been counterattacking with the Word of God. It does help. If I make a mistake of not doing anything at night, I'll just do it in the morning. No procrastinating. No focusing on my sins, but working on my imperfections by exercising faith and focusing my eyes on God. Truly, I've seen minor changes in my life and it has brought me much joy to the extent of tears!

This week has been an extremely challenging but amazing one. God has shown me so much and I believe He will continue to show me even more. The Devil is working hard to make me screw up and I probably will at some point, but my eyes will be focused on God, not my weaknesses, nor my imperfections.

I hope this encourages the rest of you who are struggling with so much in your life, especially life in the Word. You can make it through, as long as you walk with God and not away from Him.

Have a great week ahead and God bless you all!

Confused

I don't get it. I just don't.

I don't understand why my mum keeps thinking I'm still holding a grudge against my dad when I've clearly forgiven him and put my hurtful past behind me. I'm still trying to warm up to the dad I've never really known all these years and it takes time, but nevertheless there is some sort of progress. I don't always talk to him but that doesn't mean I hate him. I love my dad. I always have, and now it's just a matter of time before I get used to an earthly father's presence. So why does she keep praying in order than I forgive him when I clearly have no issues with him? Things are way better now. Is she really that blind to see this?

I also don't understand why my mum keeps implying that I'm obsessed or terribly influenced by the things around me. Sure, I react when something negative comes in my way because I get hurt, but eventually I just think straight and move on. I pray about it, forgive that person and move on. When it comes back, I repeat the same things until it stays off my mind permanently. Things don't happen overnight and I'm supposed to trust God, no?

I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I don't always choose to do the right thing, but I try to. When I know I've screwed up I just seek solace in God and pray for forgiveness. Or I cry out to Him. Whichever. But why doesn't my mum see that? Why does she think she knows me so well when I've clearly made a point that I am capable of making choices and that not every decision I make is governed by my emotions?

I seriously don't understand this. I really just want to MOVE ON from all the shit I've been through and start trusting people again. But just as I'm having some progress my mum just has to convince me that I'm screwed up and I need help. It seems as if I'm not doing myself a favour, not putting in effort to make this relationship with both my Heavenly and earthly father work. But I'm trying. Why can't she see that?

Is she really so pre-occupied with work that the only available option is only the art of assumption? Why does she keep assuming that I'm just this screwed up teenager who can't get a grip on herself and needs to be told what to do? Isn't the Holy Spirit guiding me?

Why does my mum say that the spiritual attack that I'm facing is merely a figment of my own imagination? Clearly negative thinking brings upon negative behaviour, but the Holy Spirit is there to prompt me when there is spiritual warfare happening. Why does she say I'm wrong and that my own misery is brought upon by myself? How would she know? How am I supposed to know if that drastic feeling of stabbing my own mind because these evil thoughts keep tormenting me every half an hour is a spiritual attack or not?

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. The going is getting tough, so I should get going.

I understand that I have issues with trusting people. I understand that sometimes I get hurt. But isn't the only being in the world trustworthy enough, God? I know forgiveness is key and that disappointments occur every now and then but does that simply mean my trust issues have to do with my dad simply because my hurts were obviously caused by my male acquaintances and friends?

Maybe it's because I never tell her these things. These things about the boys that hurt me, consume my emotions and leave me hanging there in utter pain. These things that make me lose trust over the entire male population of the world. The fact that every single guy I have affections for either friend zones me or thinks I'm mad and not "their type" bothers me so much that I feel like there's never going to be anyone who will accept me for who I am, therefore I should just forget it. Forget about getting married and live life as a single person. It's not all bad, right?

But I know that it isn't going to get me far. Not the part about never getting married - the part where I don't trust anyone at all. I need to take a step forward. A leap of faith. I need to start believing again. I need to garner hope. A new beginning. I need FAITH. TRUST. LOVE. A HOPE.

Currently, I don't believe that the guy I want will ever be the guy I need. Not after all the stupid things I said, not after all the stupid impressions I made by trying to be a cool person. I just want to be me. I just want to stop feeling insecure about myself, which leads to involuntary disguise of my true self. I don't want to shy away from who I am. I want to be me and still be loved. But right now it seems so hard to do just that.

Hmm.. I instantly feel better letting all of this out here. Notice how ironic this is? How I'm better off typing how I feel instead of telling my mum everything? Oh well.

It takes time.

Vindicated

Honestly, I feel the exact opposite right now. I don't feel like justifying myself. I feel so condemned that every five seconds I remember the stupid things I've said today, I can't help but feel flustered and frustrated with myself. I just want to pull my hair out and curse myself for making myself look like an utter jerk. Yes, an utter female jerk.

I feel like dropping everything I'm doing. I feel like giving up. I feel like giving in. But yet something tells me I shouldn't.

I get jealous. I get upset. I'm so rigid that when anything goes wrong, all of a sudden I'm reduced to this weakling in tears. I just can't get a grip on myself.

But that's why God's here. That's the whole point of my relationship with God. That's the whole point of healing, of faith and of relying on him.

I've said stupid things. I've done inconceivable things. But God sent Jesus to die on the cross and redeem all of my sins. And he did.

So why am I feeling so condemned? I'm so flustered and confused as to whether these emotions are a result of my sin or it is really Satan trying to attack me.

Whatever it is, I'm going to keep going to God.

Just a few moments ago, I was crying while playing the piano. What began as practice for tomorrow's worship during service ended in tears. I've been so angry with myself for not being able to execute my pieces well and so hurt by the things people have been said and done that I just couldn't help but break down under pressure.

Hence, I cried out to God. I cried to Him for help, for deliverance. And then it struck me on how important it was to continue going for healing. Healing doesn't happen overnight. It is a continuous process, like a vaccine as it needs a booster. I realised I couldn't just let it be after going for one healing session. If I want to change my life thoroughly, I'll have to do more than that.

So I've decided to go for another healing session.

It's like going for a facial. It's a painful and very awkward process, but once you've gotten rid of the blackheads and impurities off your complexion, your face becomes clean again. Extraction is certainly painful and the aftermath of the facial may not be the most comfortable experiences in your life, but it's worth it. Because your face is clean and the impurities are gone. However, it's only temporary and I need to continue cleansing and rejuvenating myself and my faith in order for whole healing to take place.

Things will change. There are barriers keeping me from God but I can't let them say. I want to stay connected to the Father in Heaven and the only way it's gonna work is through deliverance and forgiveness.

Therefore, I will go.

I'm still here

Things seem to be going downhill a lot recently.

My kit lens auto-focus function doesn't work.

My mum's work has been taking a toll on her and she doesn't have much time to spend with me.

My friends don't seem to feel as if they are there anymore.

My level of faith is fluctuating dangerously and the gradients seem to be determining the frequency of my communication and relationship with God.

My motivation to study has declined since the school break began and my trials are due in a month's time.

My infatuation with him has returned and this time, I'm pretty determined to take my chances, however little they may be.

All these things in my life seem to be taking a toll on me although my mid term break has lightened some of my loads. With so much time on my hands, I've been thinking or perhaps even over thinking events more frequently that I spend more time worrying instead of solving my problems.

This is the result of an inconsistent relationship with God. There are times when I'm really grateful for His grace and I am just filled with the joy of God, while on other occasions I tend to ignore my need to commune with the Holy Spirit and just ask him what to do with whatever I'm going through. I'm still fighting battles with the Devil, but I'm still trying to take it all in - this entire routine, this rigmarole of being an SPM student.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I just feel like going on a permanent hiatus, which is of course, no hiatus at all. But there's something that keeps me going. An invisible force that I'm striving towards, which I'm pretty sure is of holy descent. However, I'm not too sure where I'm headed and what God really wants me to do.

1AM. I haven't stayed up this late since... I don't even remember. Nevertheless, it's time for me to sleep.

Adieu.

Inactivity

The frequency of effective collision between myself and the floor has decreased ever since the term break began.

I've been extremely unproductive and inactive. The only day when I went out was last Wednesday, when I spent the entire day in 1 Utama and the night in KLCC. And as if that didn't leave me tired and clinging to the bed, I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6 in the morning because I had an English Lit class at 7.15AM in the morning.

7.15AM. This is far more worse compared to a school morning. And everyone agreed to it. Well, everyone except me and this one girl who looked even more tired than I was that morning, but as it is the norm - MAJORITY WINS. So we had to gladly oblige.

So yes, my holidays have been pretty unproductive. I've tried to study, but the longest I lasted was an hour, which was last night. I was doing some Bio revision and it turned out to be quite informative, I'd say. Not productive - INFORMATIVE. I learned a few facts that I'd overlooked in the mid term exams, but other than that, I didn't do much. After studying, I spent 5 minutes on the Word and prayed before going to bed because I was just that tired.

Other than that, I watched Downton Abbey streaming online, learned to cook from my grandmother, watched more television and took plenty of naps throughout this entire week. Oh and have I mentioned I've been eating a lot as well? That can't be any good, with all those calories going to my thighs.

Right now, I'm just hoping something interesting will happen in the following week. I've got to run for cell in a bit so I'm off to have dinner. It's at Subang tonight, which I'm hoping will be a delightful experience and a refreshing change.

Ta.

I decided to skip cell at the last minute. Heh.