Monday, June 11, 2012


I don't get it. I just don't.

I don't understand why my mum keeps thinking I'm still holding a grudge against my dad when I've clearly forgiven him and put my hurtful past behind me. I'm still trying to warm up to the dad I've never really known all these years and it takes time, but nevertheless there is some sort of progress. I don't always talk to him but that doesn't mean I hate him. I love my dad. I always have, and now it's just a matter of time before I get used to an earthly father's presence. So why does she keep praying in order than I forgive him when I clearly have no issues with him? Things are way better now. Is she really that blind to see this?

I also don't understand why my mum keeps implying that I'm obsessed or terribly influenced by the things around me. Sure, I react when something negative comes in my way because I get hurt, but eventually I just think straight and move on. I pray about it, forgive that person and move on. When it comes back, I repeat the same things until it stays off my mind permanently. Things don't happen overnight and I'm supposed to trust God, no?

I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I don't always choose to do the right thing, but I try to. When I know I've screwed up I just seek solace in God and pray for forgiveness. Or I cry out to Him. Whichever. But why doesn't my mum see that? Why does she think she knows me so well when I've clearly made a point that I am capable of making choices and that not every decision I make is governed by my emotions?

I seriously don't understand this. I really just want to MOVE ON from all the shit I've been through and start trusting people again. But just as I'm having some progress my mum just has to convince me that I'm screwed up and I need help. It seems as if I'm not doing myself a favour, not putting in effort to make this relationship with both my Heavenly and earthly father work. But I'm trying. Why can't she see that?

Is she really so pre-occupied with work that the only available option is only the art of assumption? Why does she keep assuming that I'm just this screwed up teenager who can't get a grip on herself and needs to be told what to do? Isn't the Holy Spirit guiding me?

Why does my mum say that the spiritual attack that I'm facing is merely a figment of my own imagination? Clearly negative thinking brings upon negative behaviour, but the Holy Spirit is there to prompt me when there is spiritual warfare happening. Why does she say I'm wrong and that my own misery is brought upon by myself? How would she know? How am I supposed to know if that drastic feeling of stabbing my own mind because these evil thoughts keep tormenting me every half an hour is a spiritual attack or not?

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. The going is getting tough, so I should get going.

I understand that I have issues with trusting people. I understand that sometimes I get hurt. But isn't the only being in the world trustworthy enough, God? I know forgiveness is key and that disappointments occur every now and then but does that simply mean my trust issues have to do with my dad simply because my hurts were obviously caused by my male acquaintances and friends?

Maybe it's because I never tell her these things. These things about the boys that hurt me, consume my emotions and leave me hanging there in utter pain. These things that make me lose trust over the entire male population of the world. The fact that every single guy I have affections for either friend zones me or thinks I'm mad and not "their type" bothers me so much that I feel like there's never going to be anyone who will accept me for who I am, therefore I should just forget it. Forget about getting married and live life as a single person. It's not all bad, right?

But I know that it isn't going to get me far. Not the part about never getting married - the part where I don't trust anyone at all. I need to take a step forward. A leap of faith. I need to start believing again. I need to garner hope. A new beginning. I need FAITH. TRUST. LOVE. A HOPE.

Currently, I don't believe that the guy I want will ever be the guy I need. Not after all the stupid things I said, not after all the stupid impressions I made by trying to be a cool person. I just want to be me. I just want to stop feeling insecure about myself, which leads to involuntary disguise of my true self. I don't want to shy away from who I am. I want to be me and still be loved. But right now it seems so hard to do just that.

Hmm.. I instantly feel better letting all of this out here. Notice how ironic this is? How I'm better off typing how I feel instead of telling my mum everything? Oh well.

It takes time.

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