To the song of all songs

Things I've accomplished this week (list is not in order and week starts from Monday) :
1. Reconnect with God (AMEN!)
2. Come to church with an expecting heart
3. Worship God wholeheartedly despite my struggles
4. Almost finish a BM essay (2 more paragraphs left and deadline's on Tues)
5. Buy my prom dress
6. Finish the book of Acts in the bible for the umpteenth time
7. Revise Physics for the first time
8. Survive my second BM tuition lesson (I solemnly vow to switch seats next Friday, this time earnestly for my guilt cannot be contained any longer for stealing someone's seat)
9. Go up on stage without saying or doing anything
10. Memorized Psalms 27 from the first to the 12th verse (two more verses to go!)
11. Indulge in a Gong Cha signature blend!

Things (actually, the one thing) I'm having trouble with :
SLEEPING

Things I have promised to do from next week onwards :
1. Spend half an hour with God EVERYDAY.
2. Make no excuses for not praying, not reading the Word or not worshipping God.


I can conclude that it has been a fairly good week, other than the emotional stress I've been going through and my difficulty with sleeping. However, I'm just glad that God truly showed up in my life this week and has poured his grace and mercy over me during service today. I've been such a Pharisee all week, trying to justify others by my own standards, being self righteous and what not, but God has been giving me answers through youth leaders like June, the bible and especially the Holy Spirit. Despite all the struggles I've been through, I'm now so much more in love with God and passionate about spending time with the Heavenly Father than I have ever been in my entire life.

I can now honestly say (or type) prominently that being a Christian has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. There's absolutely no doubt about it, I assure you. And all you Jesus-crazy people say - AMEN!

Moreover, I have another reason to praise God as well. I went prom dress shopping yesterday with my mum  and my friends (Chien Yi and Kah Yan and both their mums) and I managed to find this beautiful purple, halter neck dress that fits like a glove. Oh and it's also below my budget, which was RM200. So yeah, PRAISE GOD! He found me the perfect dress! :)

So there you have it, a brief summary of my entire week. And I'm out.

You probably may not see me here again in the next few weeks. Maybe.

TRIALS ARE COMING.

Chasing the sun

You know, when I asked if this day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question - not a challenge.

So here I am in front of my laptop on a Sunday afternoon blogging because I am too lackadaisical to do anything else. I managed to finish copy writing a few BM tuition notes, complete some of my Chemistry tuition exercise and did two short paragraphs to summarize the poems I learned for Lit yesterday and I have no homework due tomorrow. I should spend some time revising but after being informed through Whatsapp that my group study plans have been cancelled, I don't really have the mood to do anything anymore.

Usually, cancelled plans don't bother me much because I can always do something else, but I haven't been out of the house since I came home from school on Friday. My mum's away in Bali for a holiday while my dad's been working all night in KL, so he hasn't been home since yesterday morning. Currently, my sister, my grandma and I are home without anything scrumptious to eat. My grandma can always cook, but I honestly prefer to eat out during weekends. Home cooked meals are only comforting on weekdays because it's convenient and it's healthier anyway. Besides, by eating out, I get to leave the house for at least half an hour.

I miss a lot of things right now. I miss spending time outside, just indulging in photography, snapping away at inanimate objects and what not. I miss spending my time at church playing for worship and hanging out with the youth leaders, having lunch and being part of the camp committee. I miss having someone to talk to at odd hours of the day just to share my joy or my sorrow with. I miss going grocery shopping, cooking up a storm and baking cupcakes or brownies at random.

There are so many things I miss dearly and crave for at the moment now. It's funny how 2011 seemed like such an amazing year, where I had so many friends and acquaintances, so many things I was involved in and so many crazy experiences I've been through. However, it's all starting to fade to black in 2012. I'm constantly being told to study, I'm forced to take up tuition because I need to get enough As for SPM and I'm constantly tempted to just drop everything and run away when I'm at my worst.

But I can't. As much as I'd like to succumb to it, I just can't. Because I know at the end of 2012, I want to regret nothing. Opportunities differ from time to time, friends come and go and places I want to travel to won't change. But I only have one shot at SPM. And I don't ever want to regret not spending enough time on my studies, not taking tuition and not motivating myself to do my best.

So I guess that truly explains it - why I'm caught in this endless route of pain and perseverance. Because I know that it'll be worth it in the end. And I know that God will not give me more than I can bear, for His plans and purposes are perfect. If I endure until the end, a great reward will await me. However, I'm not doing this for the prospects. I'm doing this because I know God's love for me, and there is absolutely no way I can run from it. God knows what's best and if I can suffer for Him, it's the greatest give I can offer to God to reciprocate His mercy and love for me.

Despite having chasing the sun for the past few days, waking up to ask myself what should I do today, I'm just glad this will be over by tomorrow. My mum will be back and hopefully my dad will be around for much longer this time. And I'll be going shopping with my friends next Sunday to find the perfect prom dress, so that's definitely something to look forward to.

There you have it, my ranting for the day. Ciao.

When the spirit whispers,

you should be paying full attention to it and mind you, take heed of it without question.

I've learned my lesson that I should never ever meddle in someone else's business even if you mean well. Let's just say this is one of those cases where the good deed doesn't get repaid and it backfires on you instead.

Since the beginning of the prom hype, everyone has been switching on their date-dar (date radar, date-dar? Get it? Ugh never mind) and went into hardcore courage gathering mode in order to ask their respective candidates out to prom. And because we're all masters in succumbing to peer pressure, I had a friend of mine who was looking for a date too, but unlike me, who was all guts at making the first move, she decided she would wait for someone to ask her. Fortunately for her, another friend of mine was interested in asking her out. He went all out by being subliminal - getting chocolate cake for her, staring at her in the classroom and sitting with her during certain periods (yes, I am a keen observer) but he NEVER had the courage to ask her.

So there I was, watching this tragic event with a sense of empathy that evoked my sympathetic nervous system, somewhat unable to accept such cowardice from occurring right in front of me that I suddenly had a brilliant idea to make a bet of 10 ringgit with this guy, that if she had said yes to him if he asked her, he would have to pay me. While the involvement of money arouses a sense of interest in many, I for one was not really concerned about it at all. In fact, I was more concerned for my friend who had been waiting like a damsel in distress for him to save her from the effects of being "forever alone" during prom that I had made this bet out of good will for.

Before I talk about how my plan backfired, allow me to elaborate to avoid further confusion. Prior to the bet, my friend (the girl) and I discussed about it and she agreed that the bet was a great idea to motivate him into making his move - she would have her date and I would have my RM10. She said she would say "Yes" as long as he asked her formally and genuinely, so I obliged to help. What she didn't realise was the fact that money wasn't what drove me to help her - it was just the urge to perform a good deed. And I promise you, that was all there was to it. After that discussion, I immediately pestered the guy to make a move. The guy was in denial for the most part and he continued to hesitate. When I realised it wasn't going to work out after all, I tried brainstorming for other ideas in order to force him to come out of his shell. Just then, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "I think you'd better leave this matter alone."

But I blatantly ignored it.

Eventually, he did ask her yesterday. However, she replied with a "No." And the thing is, it wasn't even a serious invitation on his part and her reply wasn't serious at all. That was when I discovered that they had made a pact behind my back that if she said "No" to him when he asked her, he would split the money he had attained from me and gave her half of it. So she betrayed me, and they all thought it was funny.

And I never wanted any of their money in the first place. See? MAJOR BACKFIRE.

So I never gave him that RM10. And after I responded coldly when the guy pestered me for the money, they knew I was serious. I'm not angry about it anymore but I'm still quite upset at the fact that I was so stupid and "benevolent" that I submitted myself to utter embarrassment when my own thought-up plan backfired.

Which explains the title of this post. And the abrupt beginning of the post as well.

So you see, when the spirit whispers - LISTEN TO IT.

God is able

Just thought I'd do a quick update before I hit the sack.

Things I've accomplished this week :

1. Ate considerately without stuffing myself with food

2. Drank regular amounts of water

3. Practiced good facial hygiene

4. Asked someone to prom

5. Did not get rejected for the 2398049580398203th time

5. Partially settled prom seating issues

It's not much, but it'll suffice for now. This entire week in school has been in utter hype as there were plenty of prom proposals to go around (even more exuberant than a marriage proposal), seats to be filled and other rigmaroles that required much attention before the deadline. Well, the deadline to pay for prom is next Wednesday and I have to say I have not paid yet, but I'm just glad we have 8 people on our table and now we're only short of 2 more. It's been stressful, trying to figure out where to sit, who to ask and what not, but I'm just glad this week has ended and I'm proud to say - I HAVE NO REGRETS.

I'm not sure how things will work out at this point, seeing that my "date" is now seated at a different table and he has been incredibly overwhelmed that everything he says seems to be beyond comprehension, but I'm sure things will work out somehow. Prom is 5 months away after all and there's nothing I can do in advance to alter the course of events that will occur in the following months, so all I can do is focus on what's more important - TRIALS.

Oh and before anyone concludes that I am seeing someone currently, allow me to clarify that asking my "date" to the school prom was an act of friendship and more of an honour bestowed than a gesture of affection. Well, that's how it appears to be. And we're both equally aware and alright with the arrangements.

Honestly, I'm not very open to the idea of a relationship currently. I may have affections for a certain person but I have no intention of delving deeply into the subject of love or relationships at the moment. I obviously have a lot to learn when it comes to this, and before I even step foot into this realm, I have yet to discover the vast extent of God's great love. And truly, it is His love that endures forever.

So what have I learned this week?

GOD IS ABLE

And goodnight :)

Wow, fantastic baby

My English Lit second mock is tomorrow.

And I'm currently listening to K-pop, while talking to Chien Yi on Facebook, reading tweets on Facebook, craving for pan mee and well, blogging. Well, aren't I screwed?

Anyhow, I guess this would be a good time to update my blog before I get extremely guilty and actually start studying.

So how has this week been? It's been rather dramatic, lackadaisical and hectic. I've barely had time to study and when I do, I'm too tired from school to do anything. My activities in school however, consist of decorating the class, finishing some of my tuition homework, embracing probability distributions for Add Math and attending cell.

In spite of the havoc wrecked this week, there has been some good news as well. Last Wednesday was the last week of uniform unit, which means I won't have to stay back in school every Wednesday for the remainder of the year! Also, prom has finally been announced and it's probably not going to clash with GY Camp unless they make some last minute changes. I'll most probably be able to make it for both events! PRAISE GOD!

There's also good news in terms of my walk of faith too. I've decided to write an article regarding my testimony in the GY Camp fundraiser magazine. One of the youth leaders read my testimony (through Facebook message) and said it'd be good to encourage others who are struggling in the same area I've been struggling in for the past 16 years of my life. However, I don't just want this to be about how God has changed my life. I want to challenge those through a God-inspired testimony, which is something I'm going to heavily rely on God to assist me in doing. I haven't done any serious writing in a while, other than for English Literature, but this is a good first step into building my faith and inspiring others in their walk with God. I believe God will bless something done with the right heart and frame of mind.


As a head start, I've even volunteered to represent my cell group to testify for contemporary service. So far, I've only been shortlisted and I need to think of this carefully before I go up there and do it, but I'm convinced this is a leap of faith that will help me overcome my fear. God helped me overcome my anger (PMS-ing doesn't count, it just happens - but I can live with that trololol) and resentment, and now I'm going to overcome my fear.

Overall, God has continued to shine like a beaconhouse in my life. I've had some sense of direction, and I'm definitely looking forward to what God has in store for me. I still make mistakes sometimes, but I know better than to open doors for Satan to enter. I always go back to God. My mistakes don't define my identity, God does.

Time to go offline and do something more productive.

God bless you!