Sunday, July 22, 2012

Chasing the sun

You know, when I asked if this day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question - not a challenge.

So here I am in front of my laptop on a Sunday afternoon blogging because I am too lackadaisical to do anything else. I managed to finish copy writing a few BM tuition notes, complete some of my Chemistry tuition exercise and did two short paragraphs to summarize the poems I learned for Lit yesterday and I have no homework due tomorrow. I should spend some time revising but after being informed through Whatsapp that my group study plans have been cancelled, I don't really have the mood to do anything anymore.

Usually, cancelled plans don't bother me much because I can always do something else, but I haven't been out of the house since I came home from school on Friday. My mum's away in Bali for a holiday while my dad's been working all night in KL, so he hasn't been home since yesterday morning. Currently, my sister, my grandma and I are home without anything scrumptious to eat. My grandma can always cook, but I honestly prefer to eat out during weekends. Home cooked meals are only comforting on weekdays because it's convenient and it's healthier anyway. Besides, by eating out, I get to leave the house for at least half an hour.

I miss a lot of things right now. I miss spending time outside, just indulging in photography, snapping away at inanimate objects and what not. I miss spending my time at church playing for worship and hanging out with the youth leaders, having lunch and being part of the camp committee. I miss having someone to talk to at odd hours of the day just to share my joy or my sorrow with. I miss going grocery shopping, cooking up a storm and baking cupcakes or brownies at random.

There are so many things I miss dearly and crave for at the moment now. It's funny how 2011 seemed like such an amazing year, where I had so many friends and acquaintances, so many things I was involved in and so many crazy experiences I've been through. However, it's all starting to fade to black in 2012. I'm constantly being told to study, I'm forced to take up tuition because I need to get enough As for SPM and I'm constantly tempted to just drop everything and run away when I'm at my worst.

But I can't. As much as I'd like to succumb to it, I just can't. Because I know at the end of 2012, I want to regret nothing. Opportunities differ from time to time, friends come and go and places I want to travel to won't change. But I only have one shot at SPM. And I don't ever want to regret not spending enough time on my studies, not taking tuition and not motivating myself to do my best.

So I guess that truly explains it - why I'm caught in this endless route of pain and perseverance. Because I know that it'll be worth it in the end. And I know that God will not give me more than I can bear, for His plans and purposes are perfect. If I endure until the end, a great reward will await me. However, I'm not doing this for the prospects. I'm doing this because I know God's love for me, and there is absolutely no way I can run from it. God knows what's best and if I can suffer for Him, it's the greatest give I can offer to God to reciprocate His mercy and love for me.

Despite having chasing the sun for the past few days, waking up to ask myself what should I do today, I'm just glad this will be over by tomorrow. My mum will be back and hopefully my dad will be around for much longer this time. And I'll be going shopping with my friends next Sunday to find the perfect prom dress, so that's definitely something to look forward to.

There you have it, my ranting for the day. Ciao.

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