Greyhound

I do think it is finally safe to say that I have completely withdrawn from post-result blues now that a week has passed since the attainment of my SPM results. Over the week, I've received numerous instinctive queries from family, friends and acquaintances alike as to how I did for my final public examination. Most of them were pretty dumbfounded by my reply. Apparently 9As and 1B screams excellence if you ignore the very fact that it isn't exactly straight As. However, that wasn't the only feedback I received - there was a minority who had the decency to utter, "Shame" pertaining to what society would have deemed impeccable, which was precisely what my result slip advocated had it been a streak of As. Anyhow, I am just glad that I am now over with this part of my life and I can happily adjourn into the upcoming chapters, having already received permanent closure.

On a different and less nostalgic note, this week has been pretty hectic. Honestly, is it just me or are all the lecturers conspiring against the student faculty by putting tests, quizzes and assignment deadlines on the same week? This entire week witnessed as I struggled to complete my History essay draft on the French Revolution while simultaneously studying for my History mid term (which was this morning, by the way). Thanks to this abomination of a subject, I had to forgo a dinner party on Wednesday night, skip all church activities until Friday and spend less time on Skype with the significant other after university hours. Also, while dealing with the intimidating prospect of failing my History, I was expected to do thorough research on capital punishment before attempting an impromptu essay on the same topic, study for my Math test and work on the presentation slides for my mass communications project.

However, now that I've made it through this week, I feel a sense of achievement. My inferiority complex has somewhat been thrust into oblivion and I feel more innate peace now. I could choose to discuss of the emotions I succumbed to over the week but I will desist, for the fear of reinstating the uncertainty I was bombarded with prior to today. After thorough reflection of my week, I can only conclude with this - with all due respect to Nescafe and other proprietors of caffeine-induced products, our dependence on God is the ultimate solution to mental and physical fatigue. As much as I'd like to believe that a 240ml can of Nescafe Ice from the vending machine can supply me with enough energy for my daily sustenance, it really can't. Over time, I've discovered that only God can provide us with enough strength to run this race of endurance, be it spiritually, mentally or physically. It is true - only God can.

So brothers and sisters in Christ, when you are weak - PRAY. When we are weak, God is strong. And thus concludes my sermon today.

Haha, only kidding. I've plenty more to share but I thought I'd end my musings here tonight because I'm finally done with having to study for my History test and I am in no mood to conceal my triumph in having to not use my intellect during the weekend.

Instead, I'm going to post photos I took during my excursion to Bukit Jalil for my mass comm assignment. The theme of this set is textures. For the record, this set is up for criticism and for general appreciation by the photographers and partakers of aestheticism alike. Do enjoy.

Patience is a virtue, readers. Ciao.

Disposition

I wasn't expecting myself to be penning down my thoughts today, especially not when I have so much work that has to be done before I can usher in the weekend. However, as today's event marks a historical moment in my life, I simply could not resist the notion of recording it down on my blog.

For the first time in my eighteen years of existence, I, Vivian Renee Teoh Wei Qi, did not get straight As for a major public examination. In succinct terms, I did not attain a streak of As for my SPM.

I have to say though, in spite of the restlessness I encountered the night before and fatigue that ensued on campus as I anticipated the moment of truth, I am quite happy and satisfied with the outcome. Having taken 10 subjects for SPM, I received 9As (comprising of 6A+s, 2As and 1A-) and 1B. Frankly, I silently knew that I wasn't going to obtain a string of As before I even discovered my results on my course mate's iPhone after she successfully coaxed me into doing it, having attained straight As herself. I just somewhat knew inside that things were not going to be completely in my favor this time.

It was a little devastating initially when I discovered I did not receive an A for Literature in English. I tried recalling what it was exactly that I wrote on the sheets in that answer booklet, attempting atrociously to seek the source of my fallacy only to find nothing. I felt as if I had tried in vain to prove myself worthy of being ranked a top scorer and now I had nothing to show for since I did not receive the streak of As I had hoped for.

Fortunately for me though, I am constantly reminded that As are not the be-all and end-all of one's quest to self-actualization and success in life. It takes more than just grades to uplift an individual to the top and even if one does arrive at the summit, it takes even more effort to sustain one's acquisition in order to remain supreme in a particular field where one is considered excellent. Intellect is more of a luxury really, it is humility that runs as a necessity for all of mankind, for God looks at the heart and chooses to uphold those who humble themselves before Him.

I won't say I've successfully been able to achieve that, but I'm trusting God each and every day, constantly in reliance to Him by faith. It is He who created me after all. Without Him, I AM NOTHING. And yet with God, I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm going to stick with my Saviour because if He is for me, no one can be against me. I don't have to put up a fight just to continue living fruitfully in this world - I simply just have to trust Him.

So there you have it, my musings for the day. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Or not. Whatever I'm tired and I'm about to black out soon if I don't hit the sack.

Night.

The four letter word

I've been putting this off for a really long time, but I do think it is finally the right time to come to terms with what's going on in my life right now.

The matter of the fact, dear readers, is that I AM IN LOVE.

There, I've said it. Such a peculiar phrase for one who is judgmental about most relationships and terribly rough around the edges when it comes to romantic inclinations and affectionate dealings, to utter. And yet, it feels as if the old has closed in and a new adventure has begun. Your thoughts processes begin to revert from trying to list down every TNAF song known to mankind only to instead revolve around thoughts of him. You begin to unhealthily crave for his presence at any given moment you can that not even the slightest motion in your surroundings can tear your attention away from him. You just somewhat don't care anymore because nothing in the past or the future is as important as that exact moment, right now when it is all still tangible and is seemingly unlikely to fall into ruin any time soon.

But is that really all that matters? The present? What about, the future? What's next? We all know what's coming next. We have the time of our lives and gather the courage to take the leap, but only until we see the consequence of partaking in what most would call, folly. Well, perhaps it isn't folly. Perhaps such actions can be justified by the terms "Carpe diem" which is Latin for 'Seize the day'. It's all a matter of what paradigm you're partaking this entire situation in, really. But the question remains - is it worth trying, given the probabilities of one's failure in this unstable realm of emotional undertakings and commitment? Despite having keyed in these concepts of liability and foreseen circumstances, this matter still remains an enigmatic quandary.

However, I do think that if you factor in the unalienable variable of time, none of these queries don't seem to matter anymore. Under such circumstances, any moment spent birthing new perplexities is a moment wasted away into oblivion. I simply can't afford to retain my attitude of constant questioning regarding the phenomena existent in life or to sustain my innate spirit of ambivalence. At the risk of sounding cliche, time is of the essence and indecision pretty much massacres it. So no, I refuse to pay tribute to the valid arguments which permeate my cerebral cortex every now and then. I simply desist.

That isn't to say that I'm giving up spiritually. I'm still me after all, in spite of how the odds have somewhat shifted in my favor. After all, God comes first before everything else and my sustenance utterly relies on the strength my Father in heaven provides for me - not the satisfaction of carnal nature nor the material objects of this world. My Father loves me and I love Him, that is all that counts in the matter of life and later, of death.

Muffin, I'm pretty sure you're jumping from joy now that I've posted something that relates to us. I won't say you'll be extremely pleased since the contents of this post may in fact render you in an enigmatic quandary just as it did to me, but the fact that I am acknowledging there is an 'us' in the picture and not just 'me' will probably ensconce you in joys of indescribable proportions. Now that I've updated my blog, it is time for you to do the same on yours.

I miss you so much, and the fact that we see each other every day will not nullify that.

Nuggets : Gung-ho

9.5/10. That's my score for the ENG101 impromptu essay I penned this morning.

I have to say, it feels amazing getting back on my feet academically, given that my presentation score was pretty low. If I continue to keep my individual marks up at this rate, I actually will stand a chance on getting that A for ENG101. I'm too close to victory to give up now.

Life, BRING IT ON.

Love is

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

1 Corinthians 13 : 4-7

Vivian is patient, Vivian is kind. Vivian does not envy, does not boast and is not proud. Vivian does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Vivian does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Vivian always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I first came across this method of adequately replacing the term "love" in this passage with one's name at a high school Christian fellowship camp two years ago. I managed to perform this declaration a couple of times after that, but I somewhat never got around to truly comprehending what the purpose of this exercise was. However, as I'm pondering upon today's events and analyzing the variables that resulted in the fallacies that occurred earlier in the day, I'm beginning to receive some enlightenment regarding the matter. I am undeniably a work in progress and until I am able to achieve all the virtues listed in the bible passage above, I will always remain a diamond in the rough. Therefore, the declaration I have derived from this scripture must continually be exercised in order to see His work come into completion.

I have to admit, it has been quite a challenging week with all the assignments, tests and excursions I've had to participate in. Furthermore, the fact that I'm keen to carry out 21 days of fasting has taken quite a toll on me physically as I've been minutely dehydrated and my sore throat is returning. I've been performing the one-meal fast for dinner every day since last Sunday and I must say, I have been making some rather detrimental choices when it comes to what to have for lunch, as I'm someone who fancies spicy and fried food. Having already begun experiencing the adverse effects of my cumbersome diet, I've pledged not to consume large amounts of spicy and fried food for the next two weeks. I earnestly hope my throat will get better as I perform what I have pledged.

On a spiritual note, I've been able to pray and worship God diligently on almost all occasions since I'm completely relying on His strength to help me remain focused on my work and assignments in the midst of fatigue. It is really by His grace that I've been able to execute a week of prayer and fasting and I'm really looking forward to growing spiritually each and every day as I adjourn into the next two weeks up until Good Friday. There were days (or nights) when I just felt like giving up and returning back to my stagnant and egotistical self, presuming I would progress no further, but I'm glad God put me up to the challenge and I'm determined to pull through. After all, man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

Vivian always perseveres. I will pull through this, despite how unwelcome the circumstances appear to be. I will grow as a result of overcoming these atrocities and I will come out stronger after every obstacle.

Someday my love, we will have reach full completion in God's work in us. Until then, we'll have to learn to embrace our respective imperfections and focus on the goodness that is within us :)

I don't knows

Remember when I said History was one of my most favored subjects? I think I might consider refuting that statement now.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why there's this sudden burst of negative energy within me and while I do know how to stop it, I don't think I will attempt to. I don't know how long it has been since I've felt real anger towards another individual, especially over such an implausible matter. I earnestly don't know how such an emotional wave managed to rob me of my sanity after weeks of retaining composure over all this pandemonium and I'm not keen on discovering why either.

Enlighten me, how does one live everyday ensconced in a state of euphoria only to suddenly hit an all time low without valid reason? And please don't name me the bipolar disorder, for I am known to have been sane all my life and I have been told that my irregular emotional outbursts are really self-pioneered and are unrelated whatsoever psychologically. Please desist.

I guess I really shouldn't take all of this personally. As insecure as I am, I have the dignity to move forward as a human being by picking myself up after a fall. Really, there isn't nothing to worry about. I'm moving on.

Miss you

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head.

So I woke up this morning and unconsciously started mentally singing to Blink 182 and I have to say, the tune is probably going to stick around for quite a bit. I was involuntarily up at the ungodly hour of six since I slept at half past nine last night so I fiddled with my phone and checked my Facebook for any new messages. Finding nothing, I retreated back underneath my blanket and slept for another hour. I then woke up at 7 to begin on my History Facebook post and I'm glad that I've completed it. It's due on Tuesday, but I try to avoid procrastinating as frequently as possible especially when the matter revolves around one of my most favoured subjects.

I usually don't sleep that early but for some peculiar reason I already found myself so exhausted by eight o' clock last night. I tried hard to keep myself awake by drinking large amounts of water since I told myself I'd study mass communications at night but I immediately felt like zonking out once I'd finished reading the notes about the Internet and social media. I then averted my gaze to the textbook as an attempt to distract myself from the fatigue I was ensconced it, but in vain. As I leafed through the pages casually, I figured I was good to go since I'd read that chapter way ahead of time and hence, I carried on with the usual prayer routine and went straight to bed.

Honestly, I do think my fatigue can be accredited to the lack of sleep and the flurry of activity I endured during the acting camp session yesterday. My arms are aching pretty badly from all the trust exercises I performed that it's even difficult to lift them up and place my palms on my head. It was difficult enough free falling in oscillating motions from one person to another (kind of like a pendulum really) but the exercise certainly took a toll on me when it was my turn to support the weight of someone else. I had to withhold the weight of a guy who obviously by his physical stature weighed more than me, before pushing him off to the other end where someone else would support his weight before sending him back over to me and have the immense weight potentially dislocate my shoulder. Well, it isn't dislocated, but my shoulders are aching pretty badly now. I'm only hoping that they recover before my driving test on Tuesday and that no one else is going to make me perform some strenuous exercise that could totally dislocate my already hurt shoulders.

Speaking of driving, I'm pretty confident I'll nail it this time since I've already gotten accustomed to driving after 18 hours of lessons. That's a lot more effort required by me compared to most of my peers, but I dare say it's worth it. Unless I somehow acquire a corrupt road officer for the test, I'm pretty sure the odds are in my favour. All there's left for me to do now is to cross my fingers and surrender the circumstances I cannot change, into God's hands.

And I'm off to get ready for church. Ta.

Life's too short

Yes, life's too short to have bad wine, but you gotta admit - there's more to life than getting wasted.

So hello again readers! I'm pretty delighted to be able to address real, concrete readers of my blog and not just random unique hits from different parts of the world via search engine for the first time ever. At the risk of sounding technical, it seems rather uncanny how the amount of hits on my blog increased from what was a stagnate 50 hits over a year ago into a staggering 720 hits today. I'm still not sure how to react to it though since larger readership could only mean a panel of eloquent critics judging my content and literary prowess or a society of cyber stalkers at the verge of attaining sufficient information in order to hunt me down and kill me, but I digress.

Anyway, this week has been one that was ensconced in mediocrity academically. I finally received the results to my Math quiz and I must say, I'm pretty satisfied with what I obtained since I expected worse. My inadvertent gratitude goes to my Korean course mate as well as my PASS Class leader, for they have been such devoted allies on my quest to conquer this beast they call Trigonometric Functions. However, the battle is far from over - I am still relying on their assistance in countering the attacks led by the gruesome Limits and Continuity towards my cerebral cortex. I have yet to completely fathom this enemy of mine, but I do believe that I will eventually prevail as long as I do not remain lackadaisical at heart and retain faith! Oh and by doing more Math. Sigh :(

While my Math quiz results proved to be less of a nuisance, the score for my English presentation was probably spawned by the Devil himself. As it was a group assignment, my group cohesively only managed to score a pathetic six and a half out of ten. Personally, I find that difficult to accept. Perhaps it is my ego that is preventing me from seeing my mistakes. Perhaps it is my ego that refuses to acknowledge my own folly. Or perhaps I have been overconfident for far too long that God has finally decided to intervene and put an end to my pride. But the fact still remains, I did not do well as I had hoped to. I guess the only consolation of the week was the compliment I received from my mass communications lecturer regarding my debating skills and the fact that we managed to finish our English assignment on time, so it wasn't too bad of a week either. Also, this entire week was campaigning week for our Student Union, but honestly I'd rather not go there since there really isn't much to comment on.

On a lighter note, I'm currently digging tracks by Darren Ashley from Busco. It's pretty amazing to see how far Malaysia has come in the music industry thanks to acts like Yuna, Caprice, Bunkface, Busco, Hujan, Seven Collar T-Shirt, Paperplane Pursuit, Kyoto Protocol and other bands I probably won't be able to finish listing. I still reminisce being twelve and listening to nonsensical crap produced by the local bands (excluding Pop Shuvit. They were pretty darn good, I guess) back then only to conclude that Malaysian music will always be as crappy as Malaysian football. But hey, fast forward six years to today and here I am embracing local electropop music and indie bands although football in Malaysia still remains a work in progress. Sound synergy is the exact word for it, I presume. All in all, I can only conclude that Youtube has proven not just as an effective tool for self-expression, but an avenue for marketing and sales as well. Gosh, I sound so business minded.

Overall, it was a decent week, I'd have to say. I'll give myself a score of 7.5/10 for productivity, since I managed to revise the first two chapters of History and one chapter of Mass Communications. Also, I treated myself to Vietnamese beef noodles and roasted milk tea (which by the way I forgot what it tasted like) so I guess that levels up my week from decent to awes-mazing, which by the way is not a word.

I don't know what the weekend will bring, but I'm assuming it will be the usual. My last driving lesson before my test on Tuesday, the second day of the acting workshop I signed up for this month and church on Sunday is on the activity list for the weekend. I honestly hope I will pass this driving test so I can finally start driving for real since I'm about to get a new car in a matter of weeks.

So there you go, my week in one post. Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going to catch up with my beloved tuxedo on a Friday night. I miss her to bits and I hope we'll meet up soon so we can go watch Lincoln together, embrace our inner philosophes/psychologists and laugh hysterically at intellectual jokes no one else except ourselves can comprehend.

Adios, amigos.

Nuggets : I have new followers

My Tumblr is no longer merely pulsating, but doing jumping jacks for joy! I am definitely getting feedback for my photography now that I have new followers. I guess new followers will do just as well as more notes although I'd very much prefer the latter. Well, of course there's a difference, but I think I like having the lines blurred for now.

I can now safely say that I have found my visual muse and am now officially embracing photography once more after such a dreadful period of hiatus.

I am happy and that is all. Ta.

Look at me now

Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's full potential.

— Bruce Lee

I didn't expect to be back on my feet so soon, but it seems I have found something I'd like to share on my blog. I don't think I've been very generous lately in sharing information about my personal life because it has been a little awkward as of late but I think I've finally found some courage to do so. I must warn you however, that my eloquence may no longer suffice is putting such complex emotions into words as my literary prowess has been on a steep decline recently. Don't expect to see any extremely intellectual statements for I just might disappoint.

With relevance to the quote I have posted above, I think university life has somewhat changed me. I'm still uncertain whether it is for the better or worse, but that is a rhetorical argument only time is able to refute. But when I say change, I don't mean a shift from one phase to another. The change I am discussing here in this post is not a minute one, it is a shift of my paradigm from a shallow and superficial perception into a critical and possibly spiritual one. As a matter of fact, this sudden shift from various extremes has rendered me emotionally paralyzed, almost as if I was going through some quarter life crisis although it isn't a valid argument to begin with. Anyway, the point is, I am just so sick and tired of going through the same thought processes over and over again and being bombarded with a million "What if"s while trying to balance my work load and my social life. I am SICK and TIRED. These words work so perfectly well together in one sentence, don't they?

But honestly, I'm not here to complain. Instead, I'm here to be grateful for all these sudden realignments and reassignments taking place in my life. I've been so lackadaisical since university began that I've never really taken an initiative to activate my spiritual life and discover what God has in store for me until last week, when I discovered I had to share for cell on Friday. It was a pretty nerve wrecking experience having to come up with a uh, sermon (I guess?) and delivering it to a small crowd of eagerly anticipating youths, but I'm glad I did it. I finally managed to kick start my spiritual life once more after a much unnecessary hiatus. God has blessed me with so much and I'm starting to hear His voice more eminently than I have before. It isn't an audible voice, but it's a voice that transcends from my conscience every once in a while to remind me not to give in to carnal nature but to focus my eyes on God.

Anyhow, the point is that I've grown. I've definitely grown, I admit. I'm not the same girl I once was two or three years ago. I've learned never to let my emotions dominate me, for my emotions must always remain faithful servants to my conscience and not vice versa. I've learned never to let anxiety be the driving force behind my endeavours, for I may end up regretting doing the things I would have done had I allowed fear to overwhelm me. I've learned that holding back does not necessarily imply that I am stubborn, but that it shows great discipline and wisdom. Also, I've discovered time is a useful tool in revealing the truth about a person and it pays to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

I have to credit God for all of this. It was a tough week, trying to decipher one's language through their speech and action and learning to cope with academic essays and citation work. But I'm glad I've pulled through with God's strength because I can earnestly say that I'm a stronger person now and I am ready to take on whatever it is life is ready to throw at me, as long as God is on my side. Or I might have stated that too early.

Nevertheless, life has been pretty great. I'm just going to take it slow, one day at a time and I'm sure God will bring upon much deeper revelation about my life eventually.

Ciao.

Iron

Sadly, it isn't an alloy. Well, screw Chemistry!

So what have I been up to lately other than being bombarded by university assignments and Math quizzes, going to Sunway almost every week for the heck of it (and for lunch), scrutinizing and singing to the lyrics of Ed Sheeran's Lego House and chatting with my tuxedo on Whatsapp? I believe by stating all of the above I have merely proven to you just how professional I am now in practicing sarcasm. Or irony. Or satire. Whatever. I'm not studying literature anyway at the moment, so there's no need to go into the details of what all these literary devices mean. Besides, I might bore all you non-existent readers to death anyway.

Anyhow, I think it is pretty safe to say life has been quite productive lately. I'm not constantly lodging complaints about how leisurely ADP has been anymore, so I guess I could say it's an improvement from the past few weeks. I think it'll take a bit more time to get used to the extent of workload I'm adhering to currently, but I believe I'll get accustomed to it eventually. I've participated in a number of co-curricular tournaments as well in the past two weeks and although I was eliminated right at the beginning, I have to say it was quite a refreshing experience. Also, being the kiasu Chinese girl I am, I was forced to come to terms with the daunting prospect of losing. I didn't take it well at first, but I'm now learning that failure isn't permanent and that every failure is a stepping stone to success, at the risk of sounding cliché.

Moreover, there's been some progress in terms of my social life now. There are actually people who can accept me for who I am in spite of how peculiar my interests are and how odd my thought patterns tend to be, and I am inevitably grateful to God for this :) I have quite a number of acquaintances and a few others I think safe to deem my friends, so life hasn't been too shabby thanks to some amazing company. I've had some minor conflicts with one of my friends, but I'm glad I managed to abandon my ego and apologize for my folly before any bonds could have been severed over such superficial pains. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do since I hate being wrong, but I'm glad I didn't let a grudge last long. Praise God for that!

On a lighter note, I've been able to do a little photo editing recently after weeks of non-stop activity. Since I haven't been able to come up with something substantial to discuss, I guess I'll let you feast your eyes on some photos I took quite recently.

 

 

More to come :)