It's always been easy for me to say that there are certain things I have sworn never to do in this lifetime based on my moral inclinations, but honestly, living up to them has always been a struggle. Those dearest to me know I am firm on many things out of the convictions by the Holy Spirit, but trying to retain the clean hands and pure hearts Jesus died for hasn't always been a successful feat. Other times, some of the values I abide by are basic manners and courtesy even the secular world advocates, and yet I find myself failing to impart them myself.
Often by consequence, I tend to memorize the vows I have made to God, and the moral obligations I have bound myself to, and I seek to heftily abide by them. I figured if I could perfectly adjust my demeanor to one of obedience, I could impose the same standards I set for myself on others, as it would be justified, given that one has practiced what one preached. Whenever I see another person, especially another believer, undertaking an act that is not pleasing to God, I would instantly judge that person. As much as I'd like to think I don't, I DO. But I figured that if I was able to perform as I had promised, so should another believer with all the might vested in them by the Holy Spirit.
Yet it is this belief that has worn me through and made me restless. As I constantly scrutinized my image, I became more self-centered. I sought to be the prime example of morality to others, and I'd hoped that this perfectly painted persona would draw those who have yet to know Jesus to come to know Him. But inside I was tired. I was a wreck. I was broken. And in fact, I still am a tired and broken wreck. I struggled, trying to uphold the painting of the seemingly impeccable and exceptionally optimistic Christian girl, seeking to draw people to Him with my own strength. As expected, not only did I fail miserably in this endeavor - I distorted the truth of what God had sent Jesus to come to do. Jesus came to die for our sins, because all of us have fallen short of God's glory, and we cannot repay our misdeeds. A perfect man, Jesus took our sins upon the Cross, sacrificing his connection with the Heavenly Father just so we could have a relationship with God. The barrier between God and man because of sin was broken, FOREVER.
Little did I know I harbored a religious spirit, similar to that of a Pharisee. Now, I am not disputing the legitimacy of God's laws, nor am I downplaying the importance of Biblical truths and dogma. These are important things. But wasn't Jesus' ministry, which was underlined by the Four Gospels, centered around God's love, resulting in the salvation of His people? After all, God sent His only son not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).
Therefore, if all of us were perfect and could be morally justifiable, why then would God have to send Jesus?
I am reminded once again that my salvation and my faith is not merely based on my spiritual convictions or my moral beliefs. Instead, it is my relationship with God, my dependence on Him, my weakness (and my acknowledgement of its existence) that glorifies the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am not placed on this earth to be a flawless specimen of humanity - if that were the case, there would be no need for God. But none of us are perfect. We were all created in our differences so as to reflect the sovereignty of God, who decides all things and has created all things in His image.
I need to rely on Him again. I have lost sight of what is important, of God's infinite power to draw people to Him. I need to remember that God has the ultimate power to convict anyone and bring them back to His house at any point of time, under any circumstances. And yet, He chose to use us as the instruments of His kingdom come. I find it a nuisance that God would choose the feeble human race, whom he created and that eventually defied Him, to do His will. God knew we would fall, and that we would make mistakes, and yet He entrusted the Great Commission to us. These facts are simply mindblowing. God is great, and yet He chooses the most unworthy and undeserving of us, so His name can be glorified.
Having penned this down (typed this out), I hope I will remember that it is not I who is in charge of the returnees to God's kingdom, nor am I the person who assists in the writing of the names in the Book of Life. Rather, I am the usher that stands faithfully at the gates that welcome souls into His kingdom, and I should remain patient and kind to all. Also, it is not my duty to judge the deeds or the words of another person. I know I have a tendency to do so, but the least I can do is rebuke the thoughts that hurry by as soon as they materialize in my mind. Only God can help me in this area, and so I will allow Him to.
I don't think anyone still reads this blog anymore, given that most of the topics I've written about are a lot to do with my faith and lesser to do with other things. However, these pieces of my life are the ones that help me chart my walk with God and assist me in my growth, mentally and spiritually. And how can anyone not rejoice in the progress of the Lord's work in us?
Anyhow, I will feature some photos from a recent trip I had with my uni mates last week, or update my material wishlist in a bit, just to keep things real here (perhaps, heh). Until then :)
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