Nuggets : Debunked

In this post, I will proceed to describe what  I have learned today in a few points (in my extreme state of tiredness).

1. Not all guys are blatantly inconsiderate and lack tactfulness.

Today, I witnessed one of my closer college friends as well as my PASS class leader express their concern for me when I was on the verge of breaking down, about an hour before the History debate. I don't think they'll ever see this but all I gotta say is, thanks guys. I appreciate it, big time.

2. Getting a good grade this semester isn't completely hopeless after all.

If anything, I'm doing far much better than I'd anticipated myself. Honestly, highest in class for mass comm?! Praise the Lord!

3. My History lecturer/academic adviser is a lazy bum, occasionally.

I made an appointment via e-mail in the most formal manner possible, carefully stating the date and time, as well as the agenda for the appointment but all I received for a reply was, "Yep that's fine." Shweet.

4. Bible/Scriptural study in CF is the most intense and thought provoking endeavor on the face of this earth.

Pretty self-explanatory.

5. I am not the only devoted partaker of world history.

Today, I found another soul who's as passionate as I am for humanities, in an ocean of mathematical and scientific hobbyists. An acquaintance I made today professed his love for history so yay, I'm no longer that solitary, weird kiddo who loves reading up on fossils and dead figures. Heh.

I'll add more to the list once I manage to think of more.

But for now, SLEEP.

FAQ

Who
it was you
an ordinary soul
a foreign Mind
a common sight
unexpected yet commended

How
hours on end
soaring above skies
across oceans
caving In on solid ground
distant yet familiar

Why
a Change of paradigm
thwarted plans
out of love
out of pain
rejected, then accepted

When
The end of the booK
beginning the next chapter
a brand new life
to start afresh
anew yet old

What
thrust into Emotions
played the perfect game
won a heart
but still the same
catharsis, then anguish

Where
the locus of Your voice
what was here before
is now gone
nothing survived
Instinct, then enlightenment

Yet
i am to blame
not what was done
not what was said
but what was felt
i took it all too well

i must move on
i must take comfort
knowing of your happiness
i must think less
i must live more
holding onto faith above

Then perhaps, I shall fathom love.

Nuggets : Fragile

In the past eighteen years of my life, it never occurred to me how a shift of events in a split second could be the difference between life and death.

I am still in a state of trauma at the moment, after almost getting hit by a car while I was crossing the road to get to my house. I can almost envision my corpse lying motionless on the damp asphalt ground, carpeted by a pool of blood. I can almost imagine the state of utter bewilderment and shock of the driver as my body forcefully comes into contact with the car bonnet. I mentally writhe in pain as I see myself lose consciousness from the impact, while struggling to stray away from the physical affliction that progressively engulfs me. I envision a nearby patrol guard rushing over to examine what has occurred before making calls to the authorities, followed by a number of people coming out of their households to observe the commotion. I mentally watch as my parents rush outdoors, taken by curiosity, only to find their eldest daughter bleeding profusely on the ground, clearly destined to pass into the void. A series of pandemonium and chaos erupts not long after as I lay there helplessly, awaiting the arrival of an ambulance, which I assume has been notified and is coming to my rescue.

But I am still alive.

I was fortunate enough that the bus driver, who was about to be on his way after I stepped down from the bus, noticed I wasn't aware of the oncoming car and slammed the horn in order to prevent me from taking another step onto the road. I am really so grateful to God that I took heed and stopped dead in my tracks, for that might have been the end of me. Honestly, I don't think I will ever consider taking my own life ever again after what happened earlier. As far as my suicidal propensities go, I have come to my senses that life is a valuable prospect and if we aren't careful, it could end with such ease.

Life may seem a tedious and difficult prospect, but it is a gift no one but God can give. And for that, I am grateful for my existence, for the fact that I am a living soul - for Christ preserved my life by giving up His.

I'm sorry God, for constantly taking life for granted.

I thank you that you've blessed me with this amazing and exceptional gift called life. Never again will I view what you have bestowed upon me in the same manner as I once used to.

Thank you, Father :')

Little Talks

Though the truth may vary this, ship will carry our, bodies safe to shore.

In all honesty, I only have myself to blame for low productivity levels this entire week. I may have improved a little in the social sphere, but academically I seem to be on a steep decline. The irregularities existent in my mental framework has proven to be a remarkable contribution to the week - I somewhat managed to successfully screw up my mass communications essay on motion pictures while consistently churning out equivocal queries to intellectually challenge every other individual I meet, in no particular order of intelligence.

Moreover, I've been pretty horrible at priorities lately. In the midst of all this academic pandemonium, given that my finals are in two weeks, I deliberately chose catharsis over focus. My decision to go to Sunway instead of the campus library last Friday is legitimate proof of my folly. I won't say I regret this undertaking because I certainly had a blast. However, if you factor in not being able to succumb to any decent form of entertainment due to the lack of financial resources and time as well as the unavailability of public transport back home, last Friday was pretty chaotic, I'd say. We entered every single entertainment institution in the mall, hoping to find something substantial to delve in, but to no avail. Movies were expensive, the bowling alley was completely booked and ice-skating proved to be too costly after we factored in the cost of gloves and socks. Finally, all we got to do was have lunch, loiter about (in Nick's words), spend a good 15 to 20 minutes in the arcade shooting hoops, drumming and racing (my drifting skills have deteriorated drastically, ugh) and excavate in diverse conversation. It was a pretty good after school outing, I guess.

As for the weekend, I spent a significant amount of time at church. Saturday saw me attending the monthly youth leadership meeting and worship practice while today consisted of the usual Sunday service, a brief meet with a few of the female leaders to plan for the upcoming Girls Conference as well as lunch with June and two thirds of the Jeysing sisters. Having occupied the daytime with church activities, I reserved my nights for uni work. With the grace of God and assistance from my faithful accomplices Milo 3-in-1 and Google, I was able to come up with some rebuttals for the History debate with historical references as well from online journals and articles. My English essay's done as well, so I guess this weekend wasn't too bad after all.

I've already sectioned all the items on my to do list according to priority for this entire upcoming week and I'm hoping it will do me good as I strive to accomplish all tasks. I'll end this post with a couple of photos I took of the campus last Friday briefly after the first photography club meeting I attended. As for the other photos, they are there simply to summarize what university life has been, from my point of view. Oh, and feel free to skip the first 3 photos. Those were taken out of boredom at Asia Cafe two Fridays ago and have almost no relevance to the photos  that succeed them.

Enjoy.

Nuggets : Identity

Just a daily reminder of who I am in Christ, based on THIS ARTICLE by Rick Warren.

And yes, it was necessary to post this because I want to remember, in all my brokenness, in all my anguish and my imperfections, that my identity is ultimately in Christ.

"You cannot become all that God created you to be until you embrace your identity - the unmistakably unique and flawed you that God intentionally made for a purpose." 

"You will never be able to make a change in your life or fulfill God’s purpose for your life until you understand that you are wonderfully complex and uniquely flawed for God’s glory." 

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” 
— Psalm 139:14

Amen.

I don't need your "love"

Sorry Calvin Harris, while you and Ellie Goulding make such a convincing couple on screen, I can't buy that shit. I apologize, bruh.

This may sound peculiar, but at this very moment, I'm contemplating on abstaining from mainstream music for the next few weeks or so. Over the past week, I've been getting extremely annoyed with all the generic tracks I've been hearing either in public places or on the radio due to the fact that they all have one thing in common - they all revolve around the theme, love.

It's easy to say you love someone, without comprehending what you mean when you express it. It's also easy to say that love is a feeling, given that most people connote the word "love" with the emotions one feels in a relationship, particularly romantic ones. On the other hand, the term "love" as defined by mainstream media depicts a state of trance, paradise, solace, a firework of refreshing sensations and ultimately, ecstasy. I don't know about you, but earnestly, I see it everywhere. I find it prominent in movies, in mainstream music videos (and the occasional hipster one as well), in ads and most evidently in books, which is also another reason why I've abstained from sci-fi and fantasy novels for the time being. If you are argue with me on books, kindly desist because the fact that a certain read known as 50 Shades of Grey actually exists nullifies the validity of your argument in the first place.

However, the direction I'm going in isn't a thoroughly loathsome one, where I begin complaining about how inaccurate these definitions of love are. I have no intentions of imposing my two cents on anyone today in this state of mental fatigue, and I have no plans to do so at least for now.

Instead, what I'm merely trying to say is this - I am SICK and TIRED of seeing the notion of LOVE being casually inculcated into every single bloody generic song there is on the face of this earth because nothing else on this earth matters to anyone, other than hitting the club, getting high, making love and going skinny dipping on some fancy beach on an island off the coast of Central America (go ahead, pick one).

Honestly though, I'm just saying.

Therefore, I have concluded that abstinence is the terminal solution to this matter. Until the world (the media, to be precise) stumbles into utter realization that their portrayal of love is completely biased towards secularism and possibly incorrect, I will be forced to turn a deaf ear to a major part of my life which is essentially, music. Sure, I might still be tuned in to Christian rock and other related genres and perhaps some of the obscure bands I currently listen to (given that they write songs about matters not pertaining to romantic inclinations), but that's pretty much just it. I don't think I can live another day with the bombardment of tracks that promote feelings of ecstasy or even creative ideas on how to get even with your ex-boyfriend although it was obviously your fault. I'm quite sure you know who I'm referring to in the latter (Taylor Swift, that's who *coughs*), but hey, we all have those moments. At least, we girls do. Sometimes. Okay, maybe a couple more than that, but I digress.

Furthermore, I refuse to allow myself to slip into misery once more. While music may not impact other individuals directly, it affects me profoundly. There was a point in my life where I was addicted to music - it was the main outlet of ridding myself of frustration, albeit a temporary one. I used to drown myself in tracks of teenage angst after a devastating emotional ordeal in order to stray away from reality or simply to reinforce the practice of self-pity. After all, being able to relate to a song slowly renders you in animosity towards others, thinking them all predator to a fragile soul when in truth, they are all oblivious to your sorrows. Recently, this phenomenon has somewhat returned due to emotional vulnerabilities and I have to admit, I've been listening to music for hours on end as a form of withdrawal and it's certainly not healthy. My attention deficit has skyrocketed in the past few days and I have been too phlegmatic in the past few days to do any actual studying. In fact, I have a mass communications test tomorrow and yet, here I am, ostensibly dealing with my psyche, even after attempting catharsis by watching clips from The Breakfast Club and listening to Don't You Forget About Me for the umpteenth time.

Oh, how I amuse myself sometimes (literally).

I believe this is the moment I make my escape from the world of psychedelia and return to the unappealing and afflicting realm of reality. In accordance to the statement, my best friend says I am such a pessimist pertaining life. I argued by stating the age old deduction that for a pessimist, I am pretty optimistic, but all in all I can only say that time will tell and as of now, life appears darker and more sinister than ever.

But it has been a pleasure. Really.

Nuggets : Dance Floor Anthem

I know my post title does not correlate with the subject matter but heck, it's been 6 years since I last listened to Good Charlotte and I'm too bewildered right now to actually mind what anyone says about me and my life anyway. And yes, I do realize whatever I just said is totally defeatist of its intended purpose for obvious reasons; nevertheless, I digress.

Anyways, here is a list of some pretty kick ass things that occurred today :

1. I received a perfect ten (yet again) for my essay. Except that it was really a poem and not an essay, and it was a reflective one. My lecturer kinda just said heck, write whatever you want as long as it's about crime so I went ahead and allowed my inner penitentiary warden/philosophe take over. Anyway, she complimented me on my poem and asked me if I ever considered taking up creative writing which of course I resounded with a duh before carefully pointing out that creative writing classes would clash with my Chemistry lab sessions next semester while upholding a composed demeanor, given that I was squealing with joy innately.

If only ENG101 actually was actually transferable and accounted for something. But alas, the odds are not in my favour. Which brings me to my next point.

2. The teaser for Catching Fire is finally out! While there is still no sign of Finnick Odair or Johanna Mason, there are waaaaaaaaay too many scenes of Katniss, Peeta and the chaos that unfolds in Panem instead of the scenes of the arena. I'm only hoping that this sequel will prove to be worthy in terms of cinematography because the last one was extremely unstable and shaky that I felt nauseous throughout the entire film.

There's this thing - it's called four points of stabilization. Newbies, ugh.

Also, the fact that the entire movie relied on one's initiative in reading the actual book to fathom what the characters were thinking in crucial scenes pretty much spoiled it for non-Hunger Games addicts while the fighting scenes were a total nuisance for those who knew what was coming. You couldn't even see what was going on when the contestants were involved in a brawl with the mutts. Heh. Anyhow, despite my prior disappointment with the first Hunger Games movie, I'm genuinely looking forward to this one and I just hope it will tie in appropriately, if not accurately with the actual plot.

3. I bumped into Men Yee in the bus today. It was pretty awkward though, since all I really wanted to do was just zonk out on the seat until I arrived home although I had a friend whom I have not spoken to in months next to me. But yeah, it was nice bumping into her again, although I do have to say I miss the outgoing, hilarious Men Yee from high school who was unlike the lethargic, awkward girl who sat next to me in the bus.

4. I got to be the REAL me today - no insecurities, no pretenses. And for that, I am happy :)

That is all. Ciao!

The theory of happiness

Hypothesis : The lesser you expect from life, the happier you will be.

Sometimes the only way to attain understanding about a specific aspect of life is to deduce it scientifically. After all, you don't acquire much from dealing with matters emotionally.

Anyhow, this week has been a pretty bipolar one altogether. I don't mean to romanticize every single aspect of my mental health or my social life, but honestly, it's been a hard hitting week. I won't bother with the details, but all you really have to know is that I've been enraptured in an emotional fluctuation all week ranging from suicidal propensities to sudden peaks of immense joy. It has been a long and hard battle against confusion and anguish, but I'm glad that I've managed to overcome with strength from God and endless prayer from my loved ones. While I found myself more emotionally stable today, I'm not going to slip into an affluence of comfort just yet. There is plenty to be done in mending my mind and soul, and there is absolutely no way that I should remain lackadaisical in this crucial period of time.

On a lighter note, the past two days have been rather productive. I've finally received my History mid-term score and I have to say, the outcome is worth rejoicing over. While a 13/15 may not sound like much to the avid partaker of history, it is a number sufficient in providing me a sense of satisfaction. It was the highest score my History lecturer dispensed anyway, given that our section did relatively well in comparison to the previous section. I was a little crestfallen though when I discovered my best friend received a similar score, but all in all I'm pretty satisfied with what I've achieved. After all, I'd only drafted my essay a week prior to the test while he had been working on his in a matter of weeks. Moreover, I've been paying more attention to my Math this week and I'm beginning to witness change in my mathematical ability. Honestly, I won't be able to tell just yet, but I'm confident my quiz scores will reinforce the notion of my improvement.

Other than academic matters, I've been pretty psyched about having friends from church on campus. I'm still taken aback by the fact that I finally bumped into Aaron four months after I've been enrolled in university. I've always known he was a culinary arts student on campus but I never did see him as he was still on his semester break. However, I finally got to say hello yesterday at the food court while I was having lunch with Sam (who's also a friend from church) and a few other business students. Furthermore, I didn't have to sit alone at the library again today since Sam was there to accompany me as well (that's one point for being less socially awkward on campus!). On a different note, there are more familiar faces as well from high school on campus, so that's an added bonus as well to my week :)

All in all, it has been rather refreshing to see some familiar faces in a new environment. As for my fellow ADP course mates, I think it's pretty safe to say that I've come out of my shell of indifference and am adjourning into a more people-centric paradigm as time goes by. Today's excursion to SS15 for food with the MATH171 trio was pretty interesting under the circumstances and I even bumped into my high school classmates from INTI and Sunway respectively. Also, the History debate will soon prove itself a worthy discourse and my recent admission into the photography club may serve as a game changer. Nevertheless, things are certainly looking up now, albeit progressively as I live by faith.

Conclusion :
Expectations aren't necessarily inversely proportional to happiness. This theory only functions if  we expect less of something and attain more of it eventually. However, if that does not occur, happiness will remain at a decline and life will become stagnate. If we do not strive to fulfill higher expectations, how do we improve our quality of life? Furthermore, is happiness merely defined by the fulfillment of one specific criteria, be it material or emotional? Happiness is defined by satisfaction, by being grateful for what one has and not by the attainment of what one does not have and continuously harps about having.

In succinct terms, we define what happiness is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but no one should have the right to impose it upon others.

So perhaps that wasn't a credible scientific conclusion. However, as I mentioned, NO ONE should be allowed to impose their opinions of the notion of happiness upon others, for it may nullify the pursuit of one's happiness by parting them from their convictions. Everyone should be allowed to think for themselves what is truly fulfilling in life and if it is found to be incorrect, they should also be allowed to return to their initial position and begin the same process in its entirety.

But the question is, is the hypothesis accepted?

You decide.

Churning it out

So today has been quite bearable in juxtaposition to the past few days. I no longer feel paranoid as I walk down the hallways as I was a few days back, and I'm slowly regaining my life from the shackles of fabricated misery in my mind. There are occasions whereby my thoughts tend to overshadow reality, but overall I've been kept busy enough for the entire day to retain sufficient composure. Moreover, the sudden revelation that my finals are precisely a month away has stirred up a spirit of urgency within me. There is just so much to be done throughout the next few weeks that leaves me no time to immerse myself in agony.

Ah, my readers. I should not bore all of you (existent or vice versa) with the accounts of my mental health. If I continue to proceed in such fashion in the days to come, I won't be surprised if my readership (if I even had one in the first place) comes to a decline. So instead, I will enlighten you about what has been ACTUALLY happening, away from the product of my mental concoctions.

After more than 2 weeks of anticipation, I finally received my Calculus I test paper back. I won't say the wait has been entirely agonizing, but I can't say either that my marks have left me without dread. After all, I didn't do as well as the others did. However, I guess I'm rather satisfied to have received a 79 for the test, since I'd expected to fail. To an Olympiad, this may seem like an abomination, given that Calculus I is pretty much JUST an extension of high school math and is relatively easy; but to me, it was a pretty good score. Since I score full marks for two of the quizzes I did before, my current average has amounted to 88%, which  gives me a current GPA of 3.70, which is arguably good. Not a 4.00 I know, but it's close enough.

As of now, I'm starting to fear the outcome of this semester. I won't say I'm totally hopeless at Math, but all the time I've wasted falling asleep and being inattentive in class has certainly taken it's toll on me. I haven't been practicing questions diligently and today, as a final resort, I approached my friend from another Math class and downloaded every available Math question set from his Times account. I'll commence a full-fledged Math rehabilitation program beginning tomorrow and I can only hope and pray that my efforts will not be in vain, provided that I do not fall short and abandon my progress.

On a lighter note, I've finally pre-registered for my summer semester courses after a much agonizing wait, thanks to the new system that prioritizes by seniority, ugh. Anyhow, tentatively I'll be taking Microeconomics, Cross-cultural communications, Fundamentals of Chemistry as well as the much dreaded Malaysian Studies in the following semester. It's an unexpected combo though since I initially opted for a 2+1 subject combo which included Sociology I instead of Microeconomics. However, since Sociology I was completely full, I chose Microeconomics instead and added in Cross-cultural comm just to fit the bill as my lecturer was pretty adamant on me taking 3 subjects instead of 2. This arrangement isn't permanent though as I just might drop Microeconomics and add in General Psych instead, since it will allow me to complete my core subjects as soon as possible. My fingers are crossed on transferring to the States next fall, and hopefully I will be able to do so with God's grace :)

Well, it's been a productive day. And I'm out.

Ciao.

Nuggets : Overthinking

Over thinking literally kills. You don't just suddenly jump into the conclusion that the best solution to a problem is to commit suicide - it surfaces as a consequence of delving in over-analysis and the fabrication of untruths we choose to believe in.

While my suicidal propensities are now the thing of the past, the sudden return of the insomnia I was once affected by in childhood prompted me to ponder upon the intricacies of over thinking; as if ruminating over my misfortunes wasn't already a daunting prospect. I don't know about my fellow insomniacs, but my inability to fall asleep with ease is accredited to analysis paralysis. My mind spends hours roaming aimlessly through various thoughts, birthing new conclusions with each mental endeavor or in Shakespeare's words, "sickled o'er by the pale cast of thought".

I shouldn't continue probing for a valid explanation towards this phenomenon, really. Admiring the Centipede's dilemma hasn't provided any solutions to my dilemma. Moreover, I am slowly diagnosing myself with various psychological theories, such as the concept of "extinct by instinct" (which by the way is a total opposite of analysis paralysis) as I attempt to ex cogitate on what went wrong in the past week. But as much as my inquisitive nature prompts me to do so, I must restrain myself at once.

And I will. Perhaps.