It only is just me, and you. Two separate beings, living our own separate lives and pursuing our own dreams. Accomplishing the things we've been after all our lives, and seeking to fulfill the aspirations that have been embedded within us since childhood or possibly, birth. Spending quality time with our own friends and grasping the present as quickly as we can, before our youth becomes a fragment of the past. And just as desperately, we yearn for the future to advance upon us.
I've given up trying to find that piece of a puzzle, at the risk of sounding cliche. Time and time again, I've tried to seize every opportunity that I have into unraveling the tangled web of your intellect and interests, only to find that I become even more confused. I've laid myself bare, as difficult as it was for me to do, and yet sometimes all I ever attain is a generous amount of indifference. When I do receive some form of feedback, I encounter new riddles I have yet to discover the answer to. As culturally relative as I try to be, I absolutely detest it when one beats around the bush over a long period of time, to the extent that the original intended message is nullified. I wear my heart on my sleeve, reveal the parts of me you constantly wondered about and all I am given in return is a shrug and a sigh. And that's only if I'm fortunate and discern enough to hear it expressed. I would give anything to penetrate that seemingly everlasting silence.
I've come to see that there is in fact, no way towards reconciliation. The further I attempt to reach out to you, the further you seem to drift away. Every ounce of my courage is wasted every day with optimistic thoughts, the desire to mend the subtlest of bonds between us, in the least. And yet every day my efforts are fruitless and my persistence remains futile. The more I consciously work to erase the bitterness, the resentment and the overwhelming sense of regret that encumbers me daily, the more I unconsciously fall prey towards the forces of emotional vulnerability. Then, I am forced to put on a mask and uphold a facade that exudes charisma, grace and immense joy. While with the grace of God, I often am able to retrieve myself from what is perceived as a bottomless pit, it doesn't make me any less human or any more divine, than I already am. I still feel. And I do feel hurt.
But all I can do is smile. They say that if you're down, the only way you can go is up. Well, perhaps that's true - what occurs from this point onward is beyond my control, so why not focus on the things that do require my attention? If there's anything I've learned from all this anguish, this never ending frenzy of conflicting opinions and mental paradigms, it's appreciation. To appreciate those who love us, and love them back. To express our gratitude to those who have helped us along the way, in our inhibitions, in our silence and in our uttermost pains. To relate to the underlying sentiments deeply engraved in the souls of others, and be part of a camaraderie that is formed on the basis of the points advocated formerly.
After all, is it not true that all we ever want is to feel accepted, to feel as if we belong and to feel loved?
Daily, I seek to love. I choose to arrest the broken ones - the ones who have fears but are brave enough to face them, as well as the ones who have hurts but are courageous enough to forgive, and express my concern for them. I try to show as much affection as I can through speech and action, pray as earnestly as possible for their needs and allocate time if there is ever a need to address the faults and challenges we encounter in our lives. I need to be the best kind of friend I can be to whoever it is, because my conviction is that no one should have to deal with such matters alone, given that it took me a great deal of trial and tribulation to overcome the bitter portion of my life. If I can illuminate God's love unto others just as God did for me, I will not cease to do so.
Without a doubt, I admit I couldn't find a solution to my personal troubles. But perhaps some matters are best left undefined. If you can't figure out Y, it's probably best to leave the X alone.
I am done, and I'll call it a night.
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