Left for America

Praise the Lord. I'm officially in the U.S. of A!

There's so much uncertainty as to what's waiting for me in the next two years, but surprisingly I'm not too taken aback right now. Things were a little rough last month, as I contemplated the aftermath of my departure and the things I had to let go of, but I think it's safe to say that I don't feel too bad now. I'd expected sentimental me to burst out in tears the night I took off, but I didn't.

It's pretty strange, but I think something really felt right. I don't know for sure what it is, but I think it's gotta be God. I don't think I've ever been this NOT anxious before. I know for sure that He has gone before me, and is looking after me even as I'm here now.

Yet, I can't say that nothing's been on my mind. I'm still pretty wistful about things at this side of the world. As I witness Snapchats sent by my friends at church, I feel like everything has moved on pretty well even without me. It's strange really, I'm starting to feel as if my existence in youth has been rather, unreal. Not surreal, UNREAL. As if I was never there. I was just an annoying speck of dust, and once I was gone, things have taken off pretty well.

I know, it's a really selfish thing to say. But I guess that's what one feels when they leave, I suppose. Like they're just afraid things will conveniently slide back into normalcy (yet again, what is normal, per se?)

Well, Vivian, the world doesn't revolve around you. More of Christ, less of you, remember?

I guess it's also partly to do with love language differences. Just because the send off I expected didn't happen, it doesn't mean I am any less loved. And even if I was less loved, what does it matter? I need to constantly remind myself that these little things that people do that I give meaning to, are of no significance, compared to the marvellous extent of God's great glory. And anyway, if I place such emphasis on earthly things instead of kingdom driven things, how will the Holy Spirit work in me?

To be fair, I don't deserve it in the first place. Any of it. Not in a "yeah-I-don't-deserve-it-now-pay-attention-to-me-because-I-want-your-affection-dammit" kinda way; I truly am honest. I don't deserve it. What kind of friend have I been to people at church? How much have I cared and how much have I loved? Somehow, I feel for the most part that I've only cared about getting the truth, and sometimes my version of the truth that it has taken away the element of love. I honestly think I don't deserve having people send me off, or having people do all those things I'd cared about, because I have to admit that I haven't really gotten to know and love them. And I don't expect one year to mean lifelong relationships either, how could I reap when I didn't sow?

I could have done better than I have.

Even so, now's not the time to look back and wallow in dejection and self-pity. Life must go on, and so it will. I refuse to let this year's failures turn the tide of how I will live next year. If anything, I must learn from my mistakes and carry on. Self-condemnation cannot be the key to transformation - Jesus didn't condemn anyone, and so I shouldn't do that to myself. Instead, I must look to Him to go on with life.

But anyway, enough about the past. I figured I'd fill you guys in with some of my initial thoughts about the U.S (YAY).

I've been in New York for about a day and a half now, and I'm really liking it here. The weather wasn't as dreadful as I'd expected it to be - it hasn't snowed and when my family and I arrived, it was only about 7 degrees Celcius, which I think is a decent temperature for winter. We headed for our Queens first thing upon arrival at New York and took a decent nap before braving the cold for dinner with our relatives. We had Korean food for lunch, which I have to say, was pretty darn kickass, and the company wasn't bad either. My relatives are rather outrageous, but they are an amazingly hospitable bunch.

We set out for Elmhurst today, where my relatives live, first thing in the morning today. My grandaunt taught us how to navigate the subway and led us there. She also helped us get a U.S. SIM card and we went over to her apartment to chill for a bit. The rest of my day was pretty much just touring Manhattan and Queens.

My granduncle drove us all to Chinatown for a Cantonese lunch and then we scoured the area for some iconic tourist attractions on the island. We went to Wall Street and checked out the infamous bull (which we didn't quite see due to the influx of tourists) and South Street Seaport which had pretty kickass ships and a landing overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge. We also took a ferry down to Staten Island NOT to check out the island, but to take absolutely low quality and kiamsiap pictures of the Statue of Liberty with our cameras against the dirty glass windows separating us from the crazy chill outside. At night, we headed down to Flushing and had dinner at some dimsum place there that was well known for their xiao long bao.

All in all, New York's been pretty cool. While there are things I'd have to get used to, like the units of measurement (what the heck is 32 Fahrenheit oh yeah 0 degrees Celcius whoop), how to use coins here (seriously what on earth is one dime) or even the large portions here, I really enjoyed strolling by the streets and going to places I'd previously only seen on TV. The subway system here is really convenient, and as long as you plan your journey, you're bound to get from one place to another without hassle. It's probably gonna be different when I head down South, but for now I'm really just contented taking in the sights and the sounds of the Big Apple :)

3 days left

When I came to accept the weakness and the inadequacy that lived within me as a result of sin that could not be redeemed and reconciled to wholeness by other equally imperfect human beings, I realized then that there had to be more to being myself than just me; more to being ourselves than just us.

And there is (was and always will be), a God that rules and moves beyond anything that I can ever understand, and yet who chose to love me in the craziest way possible when there was nothing in me worthy of such a great sacrifice. A God who is, to all He designed for His glory and His great love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

- Ephesians 3:14-21

Photoset: HOME

"We're gonna miss you when you're in U.S."

"Haha, we'll see about that."

"I know when you go there, you won't miss us one lah."



Oh you have no idea, dad. Absolutely no idea.

The God of Everyday

But this I call to mind,

    and therefore I have hope: 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

    “therefore I will hope in him.” 

- Lamentations 3:21-23

This morning, I skipped my devotion. It seemed like a peaceful day where not much could go wrong, and I thought I could manage it with the treasury of already memorized scriptures in my mind. I thought I could do whatever I had to do in the day without concern, without worry, without anxiety. Everything seemed jolly well within my control. I also had some things to pray about, but I wrote them down and thought I'd do it later because there were other things I felt I had to complete first, before I could've done anything else.

From the scripture above, we see that God's mercies are new every morning. After all, each day has enough trouble of it's own (Matthew 6:34), and God gives us enough grace for the day to endure that day and that day alone. The next day, the same thing happens - God's mercies are renewed again, and we receive the grace and strength to endure it yet again. Daily, we are called to trust in the Lord to garner whatever we need to proceed with the next 16 hours (assuming you get your eight hours of sleep), after rise and shine.

Yet today, I put God out of the picture. Sure, I envisioned God and thought about scripture and church and doctrine and theology and searched these things up in Wikipedia and learned more about them, but I had neglected God altogether. I hadn't spent time with Him. I didn't quite talk to Him. I just ignored Him and carried on with the day, without taking in the new mercies He was going to provide me for today.

And I failed. And when I failed to hold things up, I went back to Him. I read His word and cried out to Him and I received His mercies. But my refreshment was now wasted, because I only have about four more hours left to draw from a reservoir of a day's worth of grace (given that I sleep by midnight, if not earlier). There is no doubt - God's faithfulness sure is great and His steadfast love never ceases, but I have been a fool for letting myself miss out on the abundance of His love.

How utterly, stupid, if I dare say so myself.

It also got me thinking about what and how much my faith meant to me.

Is my faith worth everything to me that I would give every second, every minute, every hour, every day - basically, every moment of my life to Him?

Are my bad moments dedicated to Him alone, while the greater and more joyous occasions are left for me to squander freely without acknowledging that they also belongs to God?

Is my God, the LORD over all that is in my life - the great I AM?

I cannot keep on doing this. I cannot only seek the Lord in times of anxiety and trouble, and then stray away when I feel okay and think I can deal with the day on my own. He is the source of my strength in times of trouble, but He is also God over the sunny days of my life where everything looks like rainbows and unicorns (forgive me, I ran out of metaphors).

It doesn't matter how I feel right now, or how I will feel tomorrow. It doesn't matter if I think I feel okay, or I think I don't feel okay. My faith is not based on how I feel about having morning devotions, or how sleepy I feel at night before I slumber. My faith is founded on the Cross, and it needs to be a faith not just of words, but of action - or of works, which complete faith, if you'd like to reference James 2.

And that includes every single day of my life surrendered to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11

I know you probably feel the same, looking at this verse all, over, again. Yeah, I get it. God has a plan for me, and it's always good, and it offers me a hope and a future. And well, those plans can sometimes be tough, but they are always good. Blah blah blah. So there.

With all that's been going on in my head lately, everything just feels really difficult. I don't know how I'd get through this, and my mind just paces from one thought to another, thoughtlessly. There are no youth services on Sunday for the time being, and so I have to read the Word more on my own for refreshing from the Lord. And sometimes I don't feel refreshed, I feel daunted. And then I stop reading, and mope in my own miseries.

Today, I thought about my relationship with my family. I wonder why I was made so incompatible with the family God put me in. Like everything now just seems to be my fault, cuz I had big dreams and everyone else had to make a sacrifice just so I could fulfill them. My mum's okay, and I know God is taking care of her very well, but my dad can react pretty atrociously at times. I won't go into detail about his behavior, because they aren't significant - well, not as important to me as what I believe he thinks of me and what I'm doing.

I can only say that he hasn't quite grasped this whole Christianity thing yet - he expects me to utilize the gift of my intelligence to rake in money once I graduate, buy him a Porsche and let him live an affluent life. I, on the other hand, have other ideas. I have a desire to serve the community, which involves not beginning working at 21. Return to Malaysia and serve the local church, before I go into a full-time job and build a career. I want to be able to give back to my parents, but I'm just not convinced that becoming a billionaire is the only path that can accommodate my desire to honor and love my parents via gifts.

Why the both of us have our flaws and our faults in the family, I find it really hard to love my dad because he doesn't seem to understand that pursuing Christ comes above all else, including a good job equalling money and that money equalling a life of affluence. I'd love more than anything else to give my parents that and more, but I want him to realize that these are not the things life should be founded upon. It's tough, and I'll just be brutally honest - sometimes I just want to shout at him and tell him to shut up about money, because as much as we need it to survive, I'm tired of being pressured to earn big and pay everyone back. It also doesn't help that it contradicts God's promise that he would keep us and provide for us.

I then ask God why.

Why put me in a family like this, and give me a dad that is so difficult to deal with? I know people in church don't have perfect families, but at least they have a dad who's bent on crucifying His flesh to the Cross.

And that's when He swooped into my thoughts, and spoke to me.

"Because I care about your character, not your circumstances."

Jeremiah 29:11 couldn't have showed up in my pandemonic mind at a better time. I'm not always sure whether something I think about is something from the Holy Spirit, but I know for certain that it was the Spirit of God speaking to me.

God does have a plan, and He will not rest until it comes into fruition. Sure, my dad might be difficult to love, but the easy thing to do (which I have been consistently doing), is to just write him off as unreasonable and not worth caring for.

But the difficult thing to do, which Christ did for us, is to love my dad anyway. To put aside every ounce of pride in my mind and do the right thing. I don't have to agree with everything he says, but I need to hear him out. I don't always like how he thinks or behaves, but I don't have to react to it. It's not that I'm being weak or anything - I'm being meek instead. Strength under control, if that's what you call it. I will need every fruit of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit can flourish in me to love my dad.

Yet, I don't lose out. If anything, I gain everything - I will grow stronger in character. Sure, I won't be around for the next two years, but with every Skype call and Whatsapp message, I'll do my best.

Because this plan and purpose isn't just for me, it's also for him. And just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, I will give up my pride for my dad. One day, he'll understand that and he'll be transformed. He'll be that new person God has intended for him to be.

I can't wait.

Nuggets: Self-esteem?

"Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all." 

- William Temple, Church of England bishop (1881-1944)

The only way we will ever truly learn to love ourselves is to first deny ourselves, then take up His cross and follow Him daily (Luke 9:23). After all, holding onto individualism and self-esteem is not substantial, we must give it up in order to experience the abundance of a life lived in freedom from the selfish constructs of this world. There is this huge propensity to fall within one extreme or the other, but being grounded in His word, the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the body in which we have been placed truly helps us overcome.

Yes, what a short post. I just needed to remind myself that it's not about me, and that my thoughts about how others treat me or how they see me should not matter at all.

He must become greater, I must become less.

With love, V

We often have this misconception that love is suppose to be easy, that it's suppose to come naturally and should occur without challenges.

I'm just gonna have to break it to you - IT'S ALL A LIE.

Relationships aren't easy and they are NEVER perfect because we're all broken people.

We were God's beloved in the beginning of time. Then we were rebels, having turned away from God and to sin. We were subject to God's mercy, trying to atone for what we did, but failing to achieve complete purity as we did in our creation. But then God did something extraordinary - He sent His only begotten son to die for us on the Cross and took upon Himself our sin so we could be set free. Free to love Him, and love one another. But being in this world, we still have to live in this earthly body, and it is still filthy as ever. And that's why we stumble. We hurt each other, and it's painful as ever.

But when we remember the great God who loved us so much and did what he could have decided not to, and still be the same sovereign and righteous God, we become compelled to love one another. How we feel, what we think doesn't matter, because God's love for us transcends our human limitations. We are made perfect in His love and in that, cease to fear.

These people in the pictures aren't perfect. They don't always do the right thing and they mess up. They've hurt me with some of the things they say, with their occasional nonchalance. And so have I, when I wasn't clear of who I was in Christ those years ago when I first encountered Him. I was crazy insecure, and I needed constant affirmation from these people just to know I'm okay and they had to give without expectations of receiving. I'm pretty sure they were worn out trying to figure it out with me when I was much more lost than I am now (yes, still lost ahaha).



Serving with them hasn't been easy, and being their friend has been tough as hell, especially with all our respective idiosyncrasies and flaws. But God's love is what keeps us together. We put our trust in Him and we held onto Him for better and for worse, no matter where we were in life.

Love isn't easy. It's more than community and friendship. It's accountability and commitment. And that's scary to our carnal selves.





Yet, out of faith, hope and love, LOVE endures FOREVER and this means endless sacrifice, obedience and forgiveness.

But for something as priceless as love, I think it's pretty darn worth it.

Innuendo

Some words can't be taken back once expressed. As much as we'd like to see them as abstract things with no physical significance, words do resonate within the soul, and that inevitably effects the course of pretty much everything.

And hey, discipline isn't really discipline after all if I allowed temptation to take over and say what I've been meaning to say. I guess it's way better to withhold myself from speaking during a flurry of emotion - I'd rather forgo the words that grant me temporal gratification in order that the character I grow into will be one of permanence.

I blame classical music for this. For all of this. I was okay, and then I listened to some stupid piano song and now I'm all emo and stuff. Yep, I'll blame it on the classical music.

Vivian, you're way smarter than this. All those "Did you know" facts on Facebook are nothing but a bunch of bullcrap, man. Just because you've had these "feelings" for more than 6 months, it doesn't mean you love him. You don't. You don't love this person, you only love the idea of having him. As much as you'd like to convince yourself it'd be a bed of roses if you have him, it's not true. That's not what God intended for you to have in a relationship, God wants you to focus on well, God. To draw close to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And if this pulling you away, drawing you further from the Father, it's time to move on.

It's a good thing, I guess. That I'm leaving, that is. I've been contemplating for ages whether to confront him with my feelings, but I've resolved to silence the notion even on the day of departure. After all, by telling him, what are my expectations? What's the point? Does it do any good? Maybe. Will it hurt our friendship? Definitely. I'm not about to make another stupid mistake, like the one I made a year ago. Two years ago. Five years ago. I'm not going to say things I don't mean, and then look back and cringe in embarrassment and remorse for saying them out loud. I'm not going to give the Devil a foothold over my life, to mess with me through my emotional tendencies.

I'm gonna be brave. God has made me a courageous person, more than a conqueror. I will get over it and persevere through it all. I was born for such a time as this, that I would take heart and overcome with God's strength.

I don't love him. It's just the idea that entices me. Even if it has bothered me consistently for over a year. My mind is playing tricks on me, and it's ratchet. It's ratchet as heck man. I thought about it, what it'd be like if we were, you know, but hey, that's not what it's suppose to be. And if it were convenient and if he did respond according to my own whims and fancies, what would my consequent subservience show? It would display my nature as someone who breaks the law when things are convenient. That's not how it should be. Laws were made for a life of no temptation, it's value comes when we are faced with it. I got standards man, and it's time to put them up like bam whaddup. I ain't just any girl, I'm GOD'S GIRL. WHAT DIDCHU LEARN AT CAMP SELF

As Jane Eyre puts it:

"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God, sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad - as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth - so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane - quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."

So let's do this, V. Just walk it off, aite?

Just walk it off.

Abide '14

To begin with, I didn't have any specific expectations for Uth Camp. I only knew inside that God was going to do a great work and I was just pretty open about whatever was to happen.

I gotta say, God truly works in the most mysterious of ways.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had so many questions about the church, campus ministry, evangelism and my faith. Being a part of CF and church simultaneously has been a joy to me; but it also created a burden in my heart. Having been exposed to reformed theology and the depth of the Word through bible study, I found it difficult to reconcile the differences in the perception of God and the gospel between CF and church.

I learned so much about the Word through CF that I soon discovered my church didn't quite have that much grounding in that area. I also had convictions and conflicts within myself regarding the emphasis on tangible, spiritual experiences in church and glossolalia. While I believed they were real, I had doubts about whether their sole implementation would cause the seed God planted in the youths grow on fertile soil. I have had those struggles when I was younger about speaking in tongues and not knowing what my faith was based on, and I felt things could have been done differently in church in order that the youths build their faith on solid ground.

While not all my questions were answered, most of them were. As Psalms 139:23 put it, God had searched me and knew my heart. He had tested me and knew my anxious thoughts. God answered my questions through the workshops and service. He taught me that we were called to make disciples and not converts, and have faith that is of quality. He showed me a different way to approach evangelism in campus ministry through the workshops, and revealed Jesus not just as Saviour, but Lord over our lives. He reminded me to give Him my all (including the part of me that somewhat resolved not to deal with romantic relationships for good) and let Him write my story. He revealed the enormity and greatness of His nature, reassuring me that I could do all things through Christ who strengthened me. The entirety of camp was focused on glorifying Him in all things, and it was spectacular.

On a different note, God also showed me what it meant to serve. Having to sing three nights in a row and play keys one of the mornings was tough. And so was staying up till 3am with the committee members to discuss camp stuff. And it was nuts watching Lionel work on videos last minute as I helped compile all the tiger court evidence into a slideshow. Boy, it was crazy hard, and not everything went according to plan - but it really made me think about what serving as a youth leader meant.

As I pondered, Mark 10:43b-45 came to mind - "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Being a leader calls for humility above all else, and I see that in my fellow committee members. While I whined about not getting enough sleep, I realized all these leaders weren't either. But they gave it all they had and served out of love. It's just insane that I've only started realizing what a sacrifice being a leader really demands. These people really deserve to be honored for their service and I seriously have so much more to learn from all of them.

To find myself still at square one has been astonishing. To think that I'm just getting started at this whole leadership thing. But I know that when the next season arrives, I'm up. I'm going to be deployed on His army to serve His kingdom, and it'll be harder than ever, considering I'll be 15,474km away from home. Nevertheless, no matter where I am, it will still be the same, amazing life-changing call.

For that, I am infinitely grateful.

Hometown

If you'd told the Vivian of two years ago to visit my paternal grandparents apart from Chinese New Year, she'd have retaliated. After all, she hated the place. She hated how the house smelled of burned incense. She sighed in disdain at the thought of sharing the same room with the entire family, in which two thirds were prone to snoring. She found communicating with everyone a daunting prospect, because she didn't speak her own dialect. And she absolutely loathed how empty the house seemed every Chinese New Year, because her family was the only one that bothered to return to Kedah every year while everyone else was "busy" with life in Australia or something.

Yet, here I am - spending a night here in my grandparents' place.

To be fair, I hadn't thought about staying here over the weekend. I initially planned to host a farewell with some friends today, but my parents had told me they wanted me to see my grandma and whoever else who was back in Kedah to say goodbye before I spend the next two CNYs in Texas. I was a little disappointed at first, but after some thought, I decided I'd do it. My parents didn't force me into this one - they'd told me I could totally just ring my grandma up and let her know I was flying off next month. But somehow, I felt it wouldn't cut it. I knew I had to do the right thing.

I needed to make that trip up north.

It's ironic, really. For many years I held it against my parents for making me come back here, for making me endure being in a place I felt I didn't belong. I've lost count of the times I've shed tears in this place.

And yet, there's peace in my heart as I'm here today. I got to spend quality time with my cousin, who's pretty lonely here in Kedah without her parents by her side. I got to have nasi lemak, made by my grandma. I got to hear about my relatives' experiences of studying abroad and their advice. I got to have a bowl of Assam Laksa for RM3 for dinner, along with a bunch of other dishes also priced within the same range. And there's more tomorrow.

But more importantly, I'm not angry anymore. I'm not upset at anyone anymore. I've just learned to let go.

And I couldn't be more grateful.

3:42 PM

November's been depressing.

I know people usually go through the excitement stage first before they feel sad about leaving everything behind, but everything's been on plateau mode for me, before it all went downhill from there.

Don't get me wrong - God has been faithful, helping me get past my visa interview and keeping things together in the family. I just don't always feel okay. Well, most of the time I don't.

I think I've always been pretty responsible as a person. I'm not one to run away from home, because I feel a strong attachment and obligation to my family members to not one day just go missing and escape from the harsh reality of life. I've always lived by their principles - to always plan, not make decisions in the spur of the moment and do the right thing. To be obedient, to stay put and be accountable for everything. I think it's most likely a result of being the oldest - I need to be the example to my younger sister, the only sibling I have and honor my parents.

But today I feel like just taking a train and going somewhere. Just somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe KL. I don't need to plan to go to KL, I just need to go. Walk through the streets and breathe in the exhaust fumes. Absorb the sounds of motor vehicles and watch people do what they do. Take in everything there is to take, in the city. It's simple enough, just go somewhere and stay there for a bit. Alone and conscious of what I'm doing and where I'm at.

I'd stare at the gap between the platform and wonder how it'd be like to jump onto the tracks. I'd sit down and watch the people walk by; try and come up with stories about their life. Jump onto every assumption I can grasp within my mind, and make something out of it. Not to be spiteful or anything, but just for the sake of storytelling. I'd hop into the LRT and travel all the way to the last station and get off. I'd explore whatever that was there. The station. The streets. The housing area. The food vendors. The nearest 7-Eleven. The smallest and most ridiculous of things.

Even toilets. I'd check out their toilets.

I'd walk around. Breathe in the polluted air and clear my throat. Take pictures with the DSLR I've had since I was fifteen. Watch out for creeps on the street. Whatever. Then I'd drink some water, hop back on to the LRT and head back. Then drive home and keep all these things to myself, as if I'd just done something extremely normal and commendable as a person.

I'd do all that if I were brave enough. I would.

But I'm not really all that brave. And I'm alone.

I quit my job this week. I really liked working there. Today I took a turn to where the shop was, on the way home. I saw my bro Dave walk out, and then walk back in. I felt sad. I wanted to park my car and go in, but I know I couldn't. I would've gone in and cried. I miss working there. When I worked there I felt invincible. I felt like I belonged there, like my destiny was to be a barista. I still think I could've worked there all my life. I was fast, I was efficient. And I just learned how to make good latte art. I would've been a top barista if I'd worked longer. But I quit. I had to quit.

I got my visa this week too. I got lost on the way to pick it up, but I managed to collect it. And I looked at my visa. I took one hard look at it. I'm going to the U.S. I am going to the U.S. Wow. It didn't strike me, but I repeated it again to myself. I'm going to the U.S. And I'll be there on my own for the next two years. Cool.

I've been avoiding some people too. I'm scared I'll be forced to like people I don't want to like, so I stray away from them. I don't want them to see who I really am. I don't want them to know me, and then like me for what they think I am. I don't want to be obliged to choose the people society says I deserve. I don't want to be judged for disliking someone because of their looks. I don't like it. I don't like being told what to do. But I also need to let go. This is tough. This is confusing. I think I'll be single for the rest of my life, but surprisingly I'm okay with that. People will get married and I will feel left out, but I'll be okay. I know I will, because God has been faithful. Why do I care what others think about me wanting to live life alone? Maybe I'll find someone when I'm 50 and we'll love each other in a retirement home.

I wish I could talk things out with people, but I want them to know I'll make it. I'm a little emo now but I can go on with life. I don't need anyone to tell me I can't do it, because I don't need to hear that now. I want to believe God will help me get through life, and as tough as it is, I will get through it.

19 years later

Six weeks isn't enough to make a distinct difference.

Sure, it could start this week, but things definitely don't change overnight. I don't suddenly just harness the ability to withstand feeling hurt when past wrongs slam right into my guts unannounced. I don't miraculously undo the complexes I've built in the past nineteen years in forty two days.

Change takes time, and time heals everything.

I was challenged today to give myself nineteen more years. Nineteen years, to work towards the oblivion I realize I've needed all this while.

Oblivion, to completely forget and possibly, not know of the pains of the past. Oblivion, a synonym of forgiveness. Oblivion, a pronunciation of love, which keeps no record of wrongs.

Oblivion, originating in the endless mercies and immeasurable grace of God.

Nineteen years later, I will cease to be affected by the temperament of others, and will be able to differentiate who I am from those I love, whose impact in my life has been profound.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  

- Philippians 1:6

The way of love

As I grow older I'm starting to realize it's not about how much love I can get, but how much I can love.

I'd rather have a heart of flesh, that has been worn, broken and restored than a heart of stone, unimaginably cold and detached from its true purpose - for love.

And if that sometimes means silence even when I am burning in anger and eager to argue, so be it. If it means waiting patiently when the world tells me things are impossible and I should just to give up, so be it. If it means saying sorry even when I'm not explicitly at fault, so be it.

Because the truth is, everything boils down to love. Love is why we were created, are redeemed and have a hope and a future.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge it will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

When I said I would take up my cross and follow Him four years ago, I might not have known the full extent of what this journey of faith entailed. But I made that commitment anyway, a promise to follow Him regardless of anything that would stand in my way.

Today I renew my vows from all those years ago. I made a choice to follow Jesus, and I will stick to it. I have bound myself to Christ, and have denounced my freedom to give up my faith when the going gets tough. I have surrendered every tendency to do things with my own strength, and vow to commit everything unto Him, and only Him. Whenever I stumble, I choose not to let myself fall, but to cling unto the Lord, even in the strongest of my weaknesses.

I love, because He first loved me.

God's ways > My ways

Last Friday, I shared a message at my cell group. Prior to that, my cell leader had asked if I could share, and he had suggested I expounded on the message shared on Sunday by one of my fellow youth leaders about transformation. Given that I already had some thoughts about what was shared on Sunday, and felt I should realign those points with the truth of the Gospel, I agreed to do it.

And so I shared a message on transformation, and explained some of the points that were made on Sunday. Based on what I learned on Sunday about love being the source of transformation, I reaffirmed the truth of God's love for us in the Gospel, through the Bible. I shared about how easy it was to be disillusioned by performance and possessions to the extent that mistake it as our main goal, when really, all we have and are is founded upon the purpose of love.

I talked about how love was the source and product of transformation, and urged everyone, including myself to be aware of how we evaluate our fruitfulness and to constantly be on guard against idleness, so we don't forget that God is love.

But that's not what I intend to talk about in today's post.

After cell, some cell members encouraged me and reaffirmed me that my sharing was good. I figured most of them were tired that Friday night, and they'd said it because they were afraid that I'd be disappointed if whatever I shared failed to get through their fatigued selves. Or maybe they'd actually paid attention, and received something that night. Whatever it was, the Holy Spirit had reminded me prior to cell that it didn't matter; I was only the mouthpiece, God was and is the one who will work through them.

I also kept it in mind that whatever I said had to be out of love, and the Holy Spirit really helped me be a lot more compassionate and forgiving towards others, than I could ever afford to be in my own strength. With that, I shrugged in response to the positive comments, not dwelling on what I'd said or done that night.

However, on Sunday, I received feedback that wasn't too encouraging. I was at Alpha, having refreshments when I overheard the youth cell group leader conversing with a fellow member of the cell group I attended. The cell leader was curious about our last session, and expressed it to my fellow cell member. If I'm not mistaken, apparently the cell leader had heard from one of his own cell members who had attended my cell that Friday that my message was [insert adjective describing mediocrity/not good enough] here. My fellow cell member confirmed it, as he had heard this person say the message was "dry".

I won't lie, I was pretty discouraged. My message was dry? It was the second time I'd shared at cell, and the Holy Spirit had revealed to me that when I first shared, I lacked love. I was all about truth, and lacked in grace when it came to addressing sin and the imperfections of others. I was brutally honest the last time, and through a discipleship meeting with J N two nights before cell, God made me rethink the way I shared my message so it would be deep, and yet still exude love and grace. And it was dry?

I was devastated, at first. Then I was grateful - grateful that the Holy Spirit lived within me, and spoke to me at that moment. I had to make a decision.

If I so much as allowed that thought to prevail in my mind, it simply meant that I had allowed one person's opinion, to define the legitimacy of the message I had shared.

However, if I brought into remembrance what I had learned from the Word of God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit and had faith that God would still speak despite how I shared, it meant I was committing my ways unto the Lord; trusting in Him as He brought forth my righteousness as the light, and my justice as noonday.

And boy am I glad I chose the latter. I chose to believe that the God I love and serve reigns beyond the limitations of my flesh. I chose to trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I took refuge in the Lord than trust in man.

People's comments, be they positive or negative may address the nature of how or what has been shared, but they don't matter as much as who it was shared for and why. When we share a message, it is for our God who is love. It is for the furtherance of His kingdom alone.

After receiving a rebuke from J N two nights before my sharing was due, I felt really discouraged. I felt I wasn't ready to share, and that I should just drop this responsibility because I felt my heart wasn't right before God. I thought I had made a mistake by agreeing to share, because I was just a wreck.

But then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.

"Are you doing this for yourself, or for God?"

"If you choose to run away now and not share, you're basically running away from what God has called you to do. You're also saying that God's not as great as we all claim He is, because you don't believe that God speak to people through your sharing on Friday."

"You're implying that God cannot work beyond your own human limitations."

Well, I couldn't argue with that lol. And so I shared.

Another thing the Lord made real to me was that He reveals things to people in His way, and His own timing. On that same discipleship meeting, I vented my frustration regarding how things were being run in youth church, and the state of the hearts of the youths for God. I'd been exposed over the past couple of months to really profound and yet basic truths of the Christian faith, and the urgency of restoring our undivided loyalty and attention towards the Heavenly Father to the extent that when I looked around me, I'd find that it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough that the guys in cell served in church, they had to give up playing DotA for Jesus because I felt that if we couldn't give up a computer game to spend time with God, I figured it'd be a nightmare for them trying to leave behind this world to enter into the place He has for us in Heaven. It wasn't enough for agreement in the Word to happen during service, it had to be something we pondered and meditated upon at all times, and watching people transition so easily from a hefty sermon to gossiping at lunch made me cringe. I felt it wasn't enough that people were given a chance to preach, it had to come from a place of great understanding in the Word of God and constant citation to ensure everything is biblically sound.

When I expressed this to J N, he was upfront with me and said that my attitude was absolutely wrong. I was judging others for what they did, or didn't do, and it was not out of love. I was accusing others of not loving Jesus, based on my judgments. I was absolutely frustrated because I felt like I didn't belong with my "deep" thoughts in a sea of facade-oriented individuals, and it hurt my relationships with others, and more importantly, with God. On a deeper level, I was frustrated because I felt like I was the one who had to uphold all these things that God had revealed to me, because no one else seemed to care.

J N said that God reveals things to people according to His will and His perfect timing. He said that not everyone moves at the same pace, and it is unjust to classify a fellow believer as incompetent in their walk simply because they are slower than one, or to over-qualify a certain believer simply because they are at a certain position in their walk. God's relationship with everyone is unique and individual, as much as it is cohesive with His bride, the Church.

When I shared about God's love in accordance with transformation, and talked about God's grace and the concept of the Gospel, I was super enthusiastic about it. I brought it up over and over again, paying emphasis to the core of the Gospel, of God's redemption of the human race, the sending of Jesus as a sacrifice, and all of this as an act of love. I believed it was such a great and key part of Christianity that needed to be reasserted frequently, because I saw how it shaped my faith and it was what God had revealed to me through my encounters with Reformed teachings and theology. 

Nevertheless, not everyone shares my enthusiasm. Some don't understand why I would constantly point at it with amazement time and time again when all Christians are in consensus that Christ died for our sins and we were saved by grace through faith. And I suspect that some find my message "dry" because I shared something that was seen as basic knowledge of Christianity and not the solid spiritual food we were suppose to received, having being told we were to "level up" in our faith.

But that's okay. God reveals His truths in different ways to different people at different times. And as long as they all point to Him, it's all cool. It really isn't my concern, because I have no reason to dispute a God who works beyond my human imperfections.

Two lessons learnt in one sharing:

1. Putting my trust in God means not worrying about what others say, be it negative or positive.

2. God reveals things to people according to His plan and perfect timing.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

- Isaiah 55:9

Daddy cool

It really is strange hanging out with the one person I've been known to take after.

My rotten temper, aggressiveness and ability to overthink things have always been attributed to my dad. I've lived most of my life trying to play these vices down, burying them deep within me so they wouldn't show on the outside. People were scared of that, and all I wanted was to be loved, to be accepted.

But I've realized that it isn't fair. There are many great things that I got from my dad. By the grace of God, I inherited his honesty. His intelligence. His ability to rationalize life, and the things around him. And let's not forget his paralyzing sense of humor. I learned to be courageous from him, to dream BIG in life and to never rest on my laurels.

Nevertheless, by shoving the unpretty parts I got my from my dad, I unknowingly subdued the entirety of my father's existence in my own life and denied myself of the person God had created me to be.

As I hung out with him today, it was like looking at a mirror. We were both connoisseurs of introspection, and the way we partook of it was similar. It's uncanny, and it freaks me out sometimes.

Honestly, if you ask me, I'm really scared. I'm afraid of coming to terms with the resurfacing pieces of myself that I've kept hidden for so long.

My dad isn't the best father in the world. He's made mistakes; some of which have rubbed off in my life. And I think it's pretty obvious that he's really not perfect. And so am I.

But he's my dad, and he is in that part of me that God knitted into me when I was created. It is beautiful. It deserves to be acknowledged, it deserves to be embraced, and it deserves to be cared for. God created me wonderfully and fearfully, just as he did with everyone else.

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in, because these traits I inherited aren't exactly likeable. Admit it, no one likes a know-it-all, which I am frequently found guilty of being. No one is in favor of the Devil's advocate, which I often am, because I like pulling things from beneath the rug and talking about them. Silence is something I have become fond of, because people seem to be afraid when I speak boldly about the things I believe in, or because what ensues is the consequences of my speech.

I wasn't made to be somebody else. I was made in such a way, for an intended purpose.

However, that doesn't mean I stay this way forever. When I became a follower of Christ, I died to myself. I decided to give up the liberty of living my life, my way and let Him shape my life the way He has called for it to be. I don't deny the fact that I have inherited some of the vices my dad, and perhaps even the entirety of my dad's family has held onto.

I have so much more to learn, and so much more to grow.

I need to, and want to grow in the fruits of the Spirit.

I want to let go of the horrendous anger I deal with on a regular basis.

I want to freely love, without fear of what others think about me.

I want to be honest, but say it out of love and not condemnation, or self-righteousness.

I know that in order for these things to be mended and molded by the hands of God, I need to realize that I have this part of me, and it is there for a purpose.

And now I do. I will not deny myself of these things, and let God work through me.

Two things today:

1. My dad isn't perfect, and I have a part of him that is now acknowledged and embraced.

2. I was wonderfully and fearfully made, for a PURPOSE. God will use whatever that is in me, for His glory. Regardless of the good and the bad, He will transform it for the better.

I truly am grateful, for both my earthly and Heavenly Father. I couldn't ask for more.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

- Romans 8:28

Solitude '14

The last time I wrote about solitude was about a year ago.

I was in a confused state then, having just ended a relationship I knew God had determined was not holy. I craved the world, trying to hold onto it inch-by-inch, even though I knew in my heart that the only way to eternal life was for my carnal self to die, and for the Holy Spirit in me, to live. I'm not gonna let my guard down on anything, but I think I am spiritually secure enough to say that things have changed since.

Solitude bears a different meaning for me now.

When I think of being alone in my room, I don't see isolation. Instead, I see connection - a connection to the Heavenly Father. When I am alone, not just in my room, but wherever it is I may be, I am focused on Him. I can hear Him speak to me, I can hear Him counsel me and He comforts me.

When I am alone, I am with my Father, who teaches me right from wrong, who rebukes me for my sin, who reminds me of the greatest price He paid so I could be saved, so I could be loved, infinitely and unconditionally.

When I am in solitude, I can see the words from His word, surface above the page to embolden me. I can freely share my thoughts with Him, both good or evil, and listen as the Word is being recited in my heart, either to edify or to rebuke me.

The Holy Spirit is the loudest in moments of silence, in moments of solitude.

I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I thought I must've been strange to sometimes want to whisk myself away from this world and be alone for a bit. And often being alone led me to usher in negative thoughts, and I dwelled in those for hours.

But I've realized now, that the solitude wasn't purposed for me to wallow in the whims and fancies of Satan.

It's for me to call God, and talk to Him, about anything. God gave me the desire to spend moments alone so I could spend them with Him. I tell Him about work and the silly things my colleagues say or do. I tell Him about how tired I am on a nine-to-five and my desire to quit. I tell Him about church, about how I love serving Him. And I also tell Him about how tired I feel in doing so many things in church, and having to be let down by people at church countless times and yet not be able to take offense. I show how stubborn I am about wanting to see change in myself, because I think it is too difficult. I tell Him about that guy I really like even though it's really embarrassing. I tell Him about how scared I am to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be forced to settle for something less than the best I see for myself.

And God replies me too.

He tells me to be salt and light on this earth, especially to people at work who don't know Him or who do but have not lived out the lives He has called us to live. He tells me not to compromise spending time with Him because I am nothing with Him and He calls me to rest in Him, in His love. He tells me that He has a great calling for people in church, and that all of us in His kingdom have fallen short of glory because we are still very much people. He tells me that His plan is bigger than the one He had for this world, and that I should trust Him and not people. He also tells me that people are like one another - they hurt and sometimes they say or do stupid things, but His love helps them repent and move on from those things. He goes on to tell me not to stop - to finish the race and fight the good fight and press on towards the goal. He tells me to stop listening to that evil dude who keeps trying to ruin His plans. He could have rolled His eyes when I bring up the topic of life partners again, but again, He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are greater than mine and I should just calm down and trust Him. He also tells me that I am to work on my relationships with people at church, at work and especially with my family.

It's really not so bad being alone at times. We need this solitude in life at times, so we can talk to God and hear what He has to say. We need it because we need Him to refresh us, and often we are only refreshed when we are not distracted and alone with Him.

We need to be alone, just so we can spend time with God.

“But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.” 

-Habakkuk 2:20

Nuggets: Distracted

"But God, I-

"You just need to look to Me."

"My thoughts keep drifting away!" I protested.

"Focus on Me."

"I can't, there's all these people-

"Keep your eyes on Me."

I was on the brink of tears. "This is hard. It's just, impossible."

"Abide in Me. I am all you need," He said.

"I know, but that doesn't mean I don't have to try."

He is adamant. "There's no need to."

"But-

"Didn't I already pay the price?"

"Yeah..."

"I sent Jesus to do the things you couldn't do. No one can save themselves. There's absolutely NOTHING else You can do, but rely on Me."

I had no words left, only His.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

What else could I say?

"Okay, God. Okay."

Maybe, definitely

So maybe sports isn't so bad after all.

I still haven't gotten a chance to practice playing frisbee, but I got to try it out. I played captain ball today after Alpha, and hey, it wasn't too bad. It was pretty fun, although I do admit I could learn to spread out on the playing field and catch the ball more effectively.

But hey, it was pretty great.

So maybe this fellowship thing is working out too.

I've been talking to God about having something like this happen, because I believe fellowship was key in building relationships with others, though the purpose of Alpha was to introduce Christ to those who have yet to know Him. I spoke about it to one of my bros over dinner the other night, saying that perhaps there needs to be more effort gone into fellowship and more utility in Alpha as an evangelistic tool, but he pretty much just said "Relationships take time" and "We're not to shun the gospel down someone's throat" in response. I'm not quite sure he got what I meant seeing that those responses were a bit on the extreme side, but I don't blame him. I guess everyone has a different take on how the course of relationships should take place, but I personally feel that it's about time some of us (other than me) hung out with Megs.

When I reminisce my time in CF, I am reminded of how friendly and hospitable we all were to one another. It was such a great example of the overflowing of the Father's love, that we could not contain our love for Him that we let it overflow into the lives of others by displaying the same love. I wanted that to happen in church, but I wasn't sure if my heart was right when it came to this; I wondered if I was being a little biased since I had spent more than a year in CF and barely invested in relationships in church, or if I was having unrealistic expectations about what church should be, and was comparing things again to CF. Thus, I decided not to tread that ground over dinner with the others, especially since that bro replied as such.

But God is faithful. He knew what was in my heart, and He assured me that He had everything under control.

Megs*, Day* and I went out for Boat Noodle after captain ball today. Initially, it was just gonna be Megs and I, as usual, having our Sunday night hangout sesh, because most people were having dinner with their families, not excluding Day himself. However, after a phone call, he decided he could join us because his plans with his family got called off. So we headed off to Jaya One together and got to chatter over food. It was pretty funny (because Day's jokes are extremely hilarious and LAME) and I think Day and Megs got to know each other slightly better.

And the craziest thing was, I didn't even speak to Day about this since I got put off the other day. But God knew better.

In all, I praise the Lord, for His faithfulness. Although I'm not too sure how things will turn out over the next couple of weeks, but I am sure that God's ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I only need to trust in the work that He is doing, that He will bring it into completion, and I must be obedient to His call and linger in His love at all times. He did it today, and I'm sure there is more, in time to come.

So maybe I don't have to get what I want to be happy.

I know this appears to come from an unknown place, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't have to be with someone who is my "type" to be happy. I had the opportunity to share a brief account of my past relationship in accordance with how God answered prayers, and it suddenly dawned upon me that the person I am currently attracted to was pretty much the same type of guy I dated, in my previous relationship. Well sure, there were several attributes in their personality that were different, but all in all, they were similar in terms of physical attributes. And so I'm starting to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that God did not or has not allowed anything to happen between us because He knew better than for me to be tempted and make the same dumb mistake I made last year.

Sure, I'm a little stronger than I was before, but as strong as I am spiritually, I will always need to be anchored to God, because in my own strength I am weak. The weakness of God is greater than my strength. God knows what I need, and maybe, just maybe, He knows I don't need this particular person to make me happy. It could be anyone, and I need to let Him let His plan come into fruition.

Of course, that does not mean I shun every other guy who seems to be my "type" because I think that's what God's plan is. It's still a maybe, after all, but hey, I'd like to keep an open mind about His will, though I am determined to be shut towards anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God.

So definitely, I'd say today was a great day. In fact, this entire week has been pretty amazing.

I made a conscious decision to focus on others instead of myself, I allowed others to speak into my life and rebuke me, and I let myself be honest not just to others, but to myself. I've realized that sometimes I allow things to be complicated, when really it's all so simple. I was also reminded that there are many people, especially my family members, who love me, regardless of whether they understand me or not. They truly care, and whether I am okay or not okay, as long as they are aware of how I've been doing, they are assured about me and glad.

I think my shards are slowly becoming visible to others, but that's okay. Everyone is broken, and I'm broken too. I'm sometimes concerned about what people would say when they see the broken pieces of my life that I've concealed for so long, but I really don't care anymore what people say. I only need Jesus, and I know that He'll make things come together for my good.

And so will He, for all those who love Him and His kingdom :)

* Names have been changed in reverence of the individuals referred to above and the acknowledgement of their right to privacy

Do away with me (Part 1)

Today was suppose to be another typical Saturday where church commitments or part-time work crept in, but fortunately (can't decide, but fortunately I s'pose) everything was cancelled at the last minute. So I was left with an entire Saturday to do whatever I wanted, and since I've already spent the afternoon with my family, I figured I'd have some me-time right now and do a little reflection on the past week.

To be absolutely honest with you, I haven't been okay in a couple of weeks.

My emotions have taken a serious toll on me again, despite whatever I've said about remembering who I am in Christ, and I've been trying very hard to tough it out on my own. For some reason, the past proceeded to haunt me and remind me of the hurts some of the people I've considered closest and most valuable to me, have inflicted upon me. I've been really bitter in the past couple of weeks, wallowing in self-pity, questioning God just why, He'd let me endure this anguish.

Why couldn't I be absolutely honest about the frailty of my spiritual health without receiving judgment from my peers?

Why do I have to have it harder than everyone else?

Why did I have to feel like I didn't belong, like I was excluded from everything, and had to reach out to others instead of having them reach out to me?

Why was I made so emotional?

Why am I so afraid of being rejected?

Why do I even care?

Why do I have to do this by myself? Why must I fight this war alone?

And if we were called to battle this world as one body, why did I come to realize that I have no one I could count on without being labelled "sick", or in possession of a "spiritual infirmity" that made me hard to love?

I debated about these things with my mum one night, but for some reason, even she, who was usually able to provide me with an answer, was rendered speechless.

I spent days like that. Though I forced myself up every morning to commit myself to prayer and to devotion, my heart was just far away from the Lord. I tried reaching out to Him, but inside I was just so bitter about everything that was wrong in my life that I forgot the one thing that made me right.

I forgot about Jesus, and what God had made Him do for me. He DIED so my line of communication with the Heavenly Father would be open, and here I was not experiencing the fullness of the gift He'd imparted to me.

And I wondered why.

Last Sunday, one of my high school teachers shared about trials and tribulations, from a Christian student's perspective. Frankly when I read the title of the message on the projected Powerpoint slide, I braced myself for a sermon laced with analogies and examples that were largely applicable to the secondary school crowd. I figured since that phase had come to pass and I had endured it, there wasn't much I could pick up. My stubborn 4.0 top student head was adamant on that, but considering a top student was also a disciplined one, I decided I'd hear it out and just laugh at the funny and familiar references my teacher would make as the sermon went along.

I can only thank God that the Holy Spirit was there, and as I listened, I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out from being in touch with His presence.

While I was right about the message being catered to a school-going audience, God's word was still applicable to me, regardless of my educational level. In essence, my teacher shared that as Christians, and even as students, we are all entitled to our share of trials and tribulations. She reminded us that our sufferings made us stronger as Christians, both emotionally and in our faith through 1 Peter 1:6-7. She also mentioned that we all had a divine purpose which was and is to grow more and more into the image of Jesus, according to Romans 8:29.

I was all too familiar with that, and I thought to myself, "Well yeah, sure. I've heard this millions of times."

And then we went into the analogies; the crucial TNTs (trials and tribulations) that we all had to endure as Christian students.

Upon surface value, a lot of the examples she offered were very relatable to school-goers. Questions like "Why is it my teacher likes picking on me in class?", "Why am I not smart or better looking just like or than my peers?" or "Why are my parents so strict on me?" I wouldn't have related to the first question I mentioned, because to be fair, I was a pretty decent student. As per the third question, I've learned to accept that my parents are strict on me because they care about me and love me, and it's been ingrained in my identity since God taught me that all through last year.

But about not being smart or better looking like others? I giggled. No, actually, I laughed at that one. It was a stupid thing, but I could still relate to that. Sure, I was verbally less public about my tendencies to envy or feel inferior to others, but I could totally relate to that. While I might have gotten off the "Am I pretty enough/smart enough?" phase, I was dealing with:

"Why do others have it easier than me?"

"Why can't I be not awkward, like other people?"

"Why can't I be as sane when it comes to my emotions, like everybody else on God's green earth who doesn't freak out when they screw things up?"

But all she said was, "We need to look away from ourselves."

She didn't say, "We are all made differently, and we cannot compare ourselves to one another."

She didn't expound, "Our self-confidence is in our identity as Christians, in the Lord."

And no, she definitely didn't say, "The Devil is out there to get you because you're valuable to the Kingdom of God, so don't let Him!"

Sure, some of those things I've mentioned above have some amount of truth, but the problem with such statements is that at the end of it all, it still points to us over God. If we're not careful to dissect those sentences, it glorifies us. It puts us in the limelight, instead of God.

But what my teacher said, was to shift our focus from ourselves to others. We are called to be a blessing to others. We are called to serve one another. We are called to love and freely give, without expecting a return. We are called to give ourselves up to Jesus - every ounce of us is His, every desire of our hearts, becomes His. We are FOR Him, and everything else that is for us, cannot be within us if we are truly FOR HIM.

And sometimes, as much as we are adamant on being FOR Him only, our human nature gets to us. It definitely got to me. Others might feel that many other commitments in our lives towards the things of the world can get in the way of us seeking the kingdom of God. For me, I felt that there was a need to be perfect, that there was a need to be righteous, and if I wasn't, I was surely damned. My hindrance was legalism, and for a while I mistook that legalism to be the purpose for which I was created. And when I realized I was being legalistic, I was even more afraid that I wasn't a good example to others, and I'd be shunned in my community of believers. I feared that I wasn't patient enough, or kind enough, or graceful enough, etcetera.

However, Matthew 6:33 was quoted then. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

It was then that I realized that my focus was not to be on how to be a more disciplined person in Christ. Nor was it to be the epitome of a Christian whose walk with God is impeccable.

My focus needed to be the kingdom of God, which by the way if you haven't noticed, has TONNES of people. The kingdom of God is not limited to Heavenly beings, WE as followers of Christ, ARE THE KINGDOM OF GOD. So it all makes sense, we need to look after His kingdom, which also comprises of one another and stop focusing on how perfect I had to be through all these works, through my service in church, because all have fallen short of His glory and we are all saved by grace. No one is favored by God more or less by the works that we do.

Also, I was transfixed on my self-righteousness that I totally didn't focus on His righteousness. I assumed I knew whatever I was doing, but like it says in John 15 verses 4 to 5,

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

I couldn't do it on my own. My focus had to be on Jesus before anything else. And when I could abide in Him, I would produce those fruits. So the fruits of the Spirit are a product of abiding in the one true vine, Jesus whose Father is the gardener. He is the one pruning us, not the laws we have made for ourselves or the rules we choose to play by.

Nevertheless, we are the ambassadors for the Kingdom of God, through our lives. The choices we make and how we live our lives are important. If we are able to go through these trials and tribulations and yet still maintain that our God is good, we become a testimony. So that's where we come in, but for the glory of God.

To reiterate the closing of the sermon, James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

God had me take a test, so that my faith could produce endurance. And that endurance, was meant to make me perfect and complete, not lacking anything. For a while, I let myself be oblivious to the bigger picture of God's grand plan and allowed myself to wallow in the comfort of self-pity, and I blamed everyone and everything else for not being empathic enough towards me.

But all of that was wrong. God's grace was enough for me.

So there, the beginning of God's revelation to me, about my issues with insecurities, identity and self-pity. The story doesn't end here, but if I continued it in one post it'd take way too much space and hinder me from getting this message across, if I considered summarizing everything into one brief post.

Anyway, to close, I'll just share one more thing.

After the sermon, JN came up and shared his two cents on trials and tribulations. He talked about a debate he'd had with one of the youth leaders, on the legitimacy of the statement, "Hard times bring about faith." Well, something along those lines. Truth be told, I didn't think there was anything acutely inaccurate about the sentence. With challenges, come the opportunity for our faith to become stronger, was it not?

Romans 10:17 has the answer.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."

Difficult times will come, and yes, such times bring about the opportunity of glorifying God. But these tough situations are not what grants us faith.

Faith comes from HEARING, and HEARING through the WORD of Christ.

It is our faith, our being rooted in God that leads to faith. Difficult times may be a catalyst, but they are not the source of our faith. Faith comes when we run to Him in these times, seek His guidance and hide in His Word.

Wow.

Little sleep and too much toil makes Vivian a

Quick updates on life:

1. I'm officially employed! I managed to score a part-time job at a neighborhood cafe, and I'm loving it so far. It was pretty unexpected, but I'm grateful that each step towards the attainment of this job was undertaken with prayer. Praise the Lord!

2. My birthday celebration has lasted for about a week now! Shoutout to everyone who's gone out of the way to make it special for me. I've truly been blessed beyond belief, and I could not be happier. I appreciate all your wishes, prayers, treats to lunch or dinner, and gifts from the bottom of my heart. God has truly shown His love through each and every one of you :)

3. There hasn't been much news on my uni application, but I'm aware that one of the universities I've applied to have responded to my admissions counsellor. I guess I'll only have to stay tuned for another week or so.

4. I wrote my first official message and shared it during cell last Friday. It was pretty nerve wrecking and I had a lot of trouble writing it at first, but I'm grateful that my cell leader was there to help me and that God did not cease from His commitment to me, as I journeyed through what was in my heart. I ended up writing and then sharing about commitment, and hopefully this message will spur the commitment of others as well, unto Him.

5. I've been keeping up with this prayer thing for another week now. I've prayed about a couple of things - for family, friends, Malaysia, and well, EVERYTHING! Things have somewhat declined lately though, since I've been feeling the strain of my nine-to-five, but I'm determined to seek Him no matter what.

In conclusion, God has been really faithful this past week. I do admit I've been pretty tired due to work and my screwed up sleep schedule, but His presence during worship today truly rejuvenated me. Nevertheless, I'll be off work for a couple of days this coming week to spend quality time with my family.

I don't think I've been this excited since forever in two weeks!

Happeh barfday too mi

So there's less than two hours left to my birthday, and I figured I'd say what's on my mind right now before I forget.

Living nineteen years on this earth hasn't been an easy feat.

Throughout most of my life, I've harbored a sense of rejection within me. I feared that many of my dreams and desires would become unaccomplished because I had no one to believe in me or even love me because of my insecurities. This succeeding anxiety gave me a sense of hopelessness every year. I'd cry - sometimes it was days before, or even weeks before my birthday came, because I was afraid that no one would remember, or that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. My parents were always there to make it memorable for me, but somehow each year I'd feel worthless, wondering if I should hold onto life since I believed there was no reason to live if no one would remember, because that showed the extent of their love and my presence in their life.

But this year is different.

Over the years, I've drawn closer to God, and this year I know my identity is ingrained in Him. I was anxious a couple of days ago, wondering if anyone would remember. I'd made more friends in the last two years than I ever had in high school, and I was, and still am hoping that at least someone would remember. And some of them do. Hee Hee remembers. Ming remembers. Even the Egg remembers (I suspected someone told her but let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we)! My family damn well remembered, because I totally didn't think of going out for dinner but they did.

More importantly though, God remembers. He is the one who wonderfully and fearfully created me after all.

Despite my fickle nature and inconsistency in my faith, You have always and will forever, remain the same. You knew me in my mother's womb, and You had Your plans for my life. You revealed Yourself to me at the age of sixteen, and ever since I've vowed to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. I was weak, and still am, struggling the grasp the extent of Your love and the cost of picking up the Cross, but You were patient through it all. You were and still are, the Prince of Peace, for it was because of You that when I was weak, I was and still am strong.

I'm a different person now than I was four years ago, and I know that it is all because of Your grace and new mercies each morning. Maybe I would have cried out of fear thinking that no one would remember; or out of anger as I compare myself with my peers who probably have had those grandiose birthday bashes I may probably never be able to afford - if this was two years ago. I've resolved not to cry tonight because I've decided not to let anything rob me of the joy He has bestowed upon me, but if I do -

It's because I truly know my Father loves me, and NOTHING will EVER separate me from His love.

Blessed Mid-Autumn, my non-existent readers. And happy birthday to you, future self :)

The Seven Thousand

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

This particular story of Elijah in Chapter 19 of 1 Kings was astonishing, in my opinion. Having read the previous chapter, which underlined the contest at Mount Carmel, where God was faithful to Elijah and put the prophets of Baal to shame when he brought down fire and rain and showed Himself to be real, it amazed me that Elijah could still feel afraid upon hearing Jezebel's threats over his life that he even ran away.

During his period of hiding, God found him and questioned him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?", like TWICE. And both times, he rehearsed the same response; telling God that the Israelites had rejected Him and His commandments. He also mentioned that he was the only prophet left to defend God, and yet he was going to be killed.

Eventually, the Lord anointed Elisha to succeed Elijah as His mouthpiece - His prophet, for Elijah's had put an end to his time, on the account of his fear. God then tells him that there is no way for the people to escape death, stating that those who escape it by one sword would die by another.

However, it was what the Lord said next that really struck me. Though he said that ALL would perish, God chose to preserve the lives of seven thousand in Israel, who have not succumbed to the worship of Baal.

It made me think about my faith, with regards to how I felt about having to stand up for the Lord at ALL times, even if the rest of the world (including my Christian siblings) question the necessity for the seemingly puritanical standards I have set up for myself. It once seemed to me that I was the only one fighting this battle, trying to stand up for Jesus in the midst of all the pandemonium and the madness that has engulfed the earth of His creation. And I became afraid, just as Elijah was, when it all looked as if the world was caving in on me.

That's precisely what Satan wants us to believe - that we are all isolated individuals in this evil world, and that it is a losing battle we are fighting.

Nevertheless, the Lord spoke to me through this passage. While sometimes we may allow that lie to get through to our skulls, the truth still prevails. God does NOT vanish, the moment we become fearful; it is we who allow Him to be diminished in the sight of our fears and discouragement. The question, "What are you doing here?" begs to be answered.

What are we doing here, living in fear, when the Lord has already won the victory and overcome the world?

How is it that our faith wavers so easily that we eventually choose to run away, even after God has been faithful to us so many times, just as He was to Elijah?

There will be times where we feel as if we are the only one left to defend Christ, but more often than not, someone somewhere across the world has already surrendered their lives to God, and are part of the 'seven thousand' who have not given in to the worship of the world. If each of us choose to believe that we are fighting a war that cannot be won simply because those around us have chosen to succumb to this world, I think that God's army can only fall apart. But if we as His people, choose to focus our eyes on our Lord and Savior, regardless of the circumstances, our unity in Him will help us win the battle.

So let us be part of the seven thousand, for our lives will be spared by the Lord and our names written in the book of life :)