The stress factor

Do bear with me if I'm not linguistically up to par at the moment, because I'm on the verge of burning out. As much as I'd hate to say it, fading away is much better than burning out because at this rate I'm not about to burst into fireworks - I'm bound to explode.

Having reinforced the notion of spontaneous combustion, I shall move on to the more personal albeit dreary accounts of my life (social, academic, whatever man). So what does one have to know briefly about my current daily undertakings? I shall begin by stressing on how, uh, well, stressed I suppose, I am. I'm honestly to exhausted to come up with perfectly structured sentences with choice vocabulary, so I shall deviate from common ground and choose the most menial of methods, which is to make a list.

Yes, a list. My dear readers, do not underestimate the power of lists. They can literally make or break you, depending on the circumstances you're ensconced in, of course. In my case, lists have the propensity to remind me that I am still alive and that there is constantly something to attend to every single day and if I don't commit myself to these tasks in a timely manner I will die. Literally.

Okay perhaps not, but you get the idea.

Signs that show I am stressed : 

1. The number of times I smile in a day decreases drastically.
2. I do not stop to converse, or even bid anyone hello for that matter.
3. My voice alters to a more serious (and sometimes extremely masculine) tone. Also, this is applicable to sore throats.
4. Everyone that gets in my way is an enemy during a crucial period of time. I kid you not.
5. I constantly fidget with my laptop and type excessively speedily.
6. I do not practice tact AT ALL. Like seriously, if you're just going to poke humor into my work, just f*** off.
7. If you persist with No. 6, I will be unafraid to lash out at you. And I won't be abashed either.
8. I start questioning lecturers of the possibility of retaking a certain subject in the next semester.
9. Telling me to calm down and not give any further input usually doesn't work.
10. I zone out. Literally.
11. I talk a lot. And I mean, A LOT. Most of which is irrelevant and may sound like gibberish. 

And in the midst of all the pandemonium, there's been a series of social misfortunes that have taken place just as well. It's almost as if life took it too seriously when I muttered, "Can it get any worse?!" with regards to my busy academic life and co-curricular activities, and spontaneously threw in the severing of ties between a good friend of mine with the group he was, and I still am acquainted with. I can earnestly say that I am absolutely clueless as to how to go about with it, since this friend of mine possesses a rather immobile frame of mind and everyone else is utterly confused and somewhat appalled by his behavior, either refusing to delve into the situation or remain ignorant. I won't go further into these details since I've promised to remain discrete, but politics within a group of friends is a concept I am rather unfamiliar with, and would prefer not to tread into.

On a lighter note, the CF retreat was a rather productive and interesting endeavor. I do believe that it is safe to say that I've become quite well acquainted and comfortable with my fellow committee members, and have a clear understanding on what everyone's personalities are like, thanks to the DISC assessment. I've already known what kind of personality I had since I took the test last year during GY Camp, but taking it again this year with the committee members was a different thing altogether. I received similar results in comparison with the last test, reinforcing my key trait as a D, which stands for dominance. Strangely enough, I was the only committee member with a D characteristic in the sea of Is (inducement), Ss (submission) and Cs (compliance). As of now I will not attempt to foretell who my conflicting personalities are and refuse to put people into boxes (as tempting as it is), but I am definitely looking forward to see what God has in store for me in serving for CF (as well as see who would dare push my buttons, heh).

I guess I've come to the end of the post as there are more important things for me to attend to, although I do find ranting an effective method of stress-release. But I think I've had my share, and now I will have to move on with my life. Au revoir!

Streetlights

The set of photos above were taken during the execution of my Sociology service learning project which comprised of volunteering for a soup kitchen initiative. That night, we were required to head downtown to the streets of KL and participate in distributing food to the homeless and less fortunate, who diligently came to collect their dues while simultaneously upholding a sense of awareness of the premises we were in and observing the behaviors of the individuals in such an atmosphere, all in relation to the sociological imagination and other related concepts.

My supposed skills in photography were requested by a classmate who corresponded with my Sociology lecturer, and thus, I was given the opportunity to capture these emphatically provoking images for recording purposes. I was initially a little hesitant, given that low-light photography was my Achilles' heel, but the endeavor soon proved to be less of a nuisance. I had the decency to use a portrait lens that would suffice in low-light conditions, and I was not merely restricted to recording the events that were taking place. Given that there were five pit stops, I devoted myself completely to serving at some stops and to photography at others.

I have to say, I don't think I've had that much fun partaking in community service than I did that night. It truly was overwhelming, the sense of satisfaction within me knowing that I was able to give without pretenses and watch as the world lit up in the lives of the recipient of our labor of love. It's crazy how these little things bring light not just in the lives of others, but in our own just as well.

By looking at these immortalized factions of my memory, I earnestly hope that you too, will somewhat envision the atmosphere and subject I intended to capture, and have the desire to discover for yourself not only what it is to be under the streetlight that lights up a premise, but to be the streetlight and shine right into the souls of the needy.

Nuggets : College prom

I guess going to prom stag wasn't too bad after all.

While I didn't get to dance (unless you count that one time I got my move on at the next table), everything else was much better than I'd expected it to be. It almost seemed as if every element of my high school prom that I'd absolutely loathed was redeemed by this one, from the details in the fabric such as the photo booth and the music, to the entire tapestry of the event - how the sequence of events were fabricated altogether. However, I won't say it was entirely impeccable either as the entire event was quite seniority-biased and did not exude as much grandeur as my high school prom, since it was held in a small scale. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the company I went with, and I was absolutely struck by the array of obscure songs in the playlist (TNAF, M83 and SHM. What more could I ask for?) As a self-acclaimed music connoisseur, the play list for the night inevitably covered all flaws.

All in all, I'm glad I went for prom. Although it was the ultimate causation to a tonne of stress as it was a last minute decision, I had a pretty decent time and plenty of memories to withhold for years to come. I'll probably have to skip the following prom though due to financial concerns, but I definitely have had a generous dose of promenades to last me a lifetime.

Anyhow, I won't leave you readers empty handed, especially not after attainment of probable philosophical revelations in life. So here are my two cents worth on how to make the most out of your prom stag, in list form.

1. Go to prom with company you know you'll enjoy being around.

Choosing good company to attend prom with can make a world of a difference. Always attend prom with people you're compatible with, and go in relatively larger groups so as to maximize the experience. While inclusiveness is a virtue worth investing in, prom might not be an event worth experimenting such a notion on, especially since it isn't cheap, and attending such an event with people who aren't there to cooperate and add to each other's experience will somewhat set you back - something you'll find when you reminisce the past in future times. 

2. Have as many Kodak moments as possible. 

If going to prom with your groupies doesn't equate to the term photo op, I honestly don't know what does. Not having a date for prom does not mean lesser photo opportunities or memories; in fact, it is quite the contrary. With no strings attached to anyone for the night, you're free to go around and ask for photos with the people you care about and the people you love without having the concern of leaving your date to his/her own devices for a prolonged period of time. This doesn't mean that having a date will decrease peer-based photo ops, but indefinitely, there are perks of being young, wild and free. 

3. Diversify. 

While it's nice to hang around a group of peers you've been accustomed  to, it's even better to associate with peers you don't necessarily spend plenty of time with. Head over to the neighboring table and initiate a brief conversation with someone you've seen around in college but never really got to know. Ask that one friend you've found an interesting specimen (ugh, science) out to the dance floor with you. With reference to the previous point, use the dress code as an excuse for a photo op with everyone and anyone. In summary, abandon your inhibitions; just get out there and have a blast!

I don't usually format my posts in such a manner, but I do think that it would serve as an initiative into making this blog a more purposeful platform of self-expression. In my opinion, this blog should not merely be a source of reflection, but an arena for the advocacy of insights that will aid or inspire others in the course of their lives as well. As cliche as it may seem, I've always believed that my writing will serve a greater purpose than to gratify the active persona, the self as subject, the "I". Instead, it should also consist of the self as object, the "me" which not only revolves around my perception of myself, but the perception of others as perceived by their actions, with the inclusion of myself.

And once again, that is what sociology/social psychology/psychology does to you. But I digress.

So there, college prom in a nutshell. Somewhat.

Nuggets : Of farewells and black burgers

So today was my first Sunday at church without Natalie. She's officially left for the land down under, and will be there for the next 2 years. While everyone else says she'll be back before we even know it, I realize I can't say the same. The chances are that when she finally returns, I'll already be away in the States.

I'm not sure if you still read my blog, but I'll risk it anyway.

Nat, thanks for being such a blessing in my life. I know it's only been a week, but it feels pretty strange not seeing you in youth this Sunday. And when I think about it, I realize I won't be seeing you in youth on Sundays for the next two years, unless you plan on coming back during your semester break. I really, really miss having you around. You've been one of the minute few I was and still am able to relate to, and you've been that person who can be prevailed upon to listen to what I have to say and often, understand what I've been through. I hope you'll enjoy life in Aussieland, and seize whatever opportunity that comes your way to pursue your own dreams and shine that light for the Heavenly Father. Oh and I'll be waiting for that parcel and expect raspberries to come my way.

Hopefully I'd have figured out how to bake a pavlova by then. It should be a breeze. Heh, who am I kidding.

I'll miss you, buddy. I hope you receive my love (and the scent of myBurgerlab burgers!) all the way from down under :)

With 1/3 of the Happen-Ning cell at myBurgerlab. We need to try the Cthulhu burger the next time we head out here.

I'll keep you in my prayers, Nat. And I wish you all the best in whatever you pursue in life.

Rebuttals : The Angmoh Wannabe

Having dealt with this issue throughout the entirety of my high school life, I felt there was a need to have my say on this topic. But don't get me wrong here - yes, I do agree that upholding an elitist behavior in an extreme manner can evoke a sense of irritation among the local population in which we are to adhere to, but I certainly do not agree upon such generalizations. Perhaps I'm wrong due to cultural and national differences, but this was an issue that really struck me to the core that I deemed fit for intervention due to the existing variables, namely my personal convictions and my newly shaped objectivity in terms of worldview.

All in all, I guess I think it's almost safe to say that I'm breaking into the scene as a writer in my own right. I could be wrong in my responses as I have this high propensity to internalize matters, but the fact that I am beginning to find the courage to stand for what I believe in - even on my own, is beyond measure.

P.S.: Do enlarge the screenshots by clicking on them in order to read the entire passage. My blog layout's width cannot be personalized, so until I do find a better layout, just bear with me at the moment :)

The Conundrum

There is no us.

It only is just me, and you. Two separate beings, living our own separate lives and pursuing our own dreams. Accomplishing the things we've been after all our lives, and seeking to fulfill the aspirations that have been embedded within us since childhood or possibly, birth. Spending quality time with our own friends and grasping the present as quickly as we can, before our youth becomes a fragment of the past. And just as desperately, we yearn for the future to advance upon us.

I've given up trying to find that piece of a puzzle, at the risk of sounding cliche. Time and time again, I've tried to seize every opportunity that I have into unraveling the tangled web of your intellect and interests, only to find that I become even more confused. I've laid myself bare, as difficult as it was for me to do, and yet sometimes all I ever attain is a generous amount of indifference. When I do receive some form of feedback, I encounter new riddles I have yet to discover the answer to. As culturally relative as I try to be, I absolutely detest it when one beats around the bush over a long period of time, to the extent that the original intended message is nullified. I wear my heart on my sleeve, reveal the parts of me you constantly wondered about and all I am given in return is a shrug and a sigh. And that's only if I'm fortunate and discern enough to hear it expressed. I would give anything to penetrate that seemingly everlasting silence.

I've come to see that there is in fact, no way towards reconciliation. The further I attempt to reach out to you, the further you seem to drift away. Every ounce of my courage is wasted every day with optimistic thoughts, the desire to mend the subtlest of bonds between us, in the least. And yet every day my efforts are fruitless and my persistence remains futile. The more I consciously work to erase the bitterness, the resentment and the overwhelming sense of regret that encumbers me daily, the more I unconsciously fall prey towards the forces of emotional vulnerability. Then, I am forced to put on a mask and uphold a facade that exudes charisma, grace and immense joy. While with the grace of God, I often am able to retrieve myself from what is perceived as a bottomless pit, it doesn't make me any less human or any more divine, than I already am. I still feel. And I do feel hurt.

But all I can do is smile. They say that if you're down, the only way you can go is up. Well, perhaps that's true - what occurs from this point onward is beyond my control, so why not focus on the things that do require my attention? If there's anything I've learned from all this anguish, this never ending frenzy of conflicting opinions and mental paradigms, it's appreciation. To appreciate those who love us, and love them back. To express our gratitude to those who have helped us along the way, in our inhibitions, in our silence and in our uttermost pains. To relate to the underlying sentiments deeply engraved in the souls of others, and be part of a camaraderie that is formed on the basis of the points advocated formerly.

After all, is it not true that all we ever want is to feel accepted, to feel as if we belong and to feel loved?

Daily, I seek to love. I choose to arrest the broken ones - the ones who have fears but are brave enough to face them, as well as the ones who have hurts but are courageous enough to forgive, and express my concern for them. I try to show as much affection as I can through speech and action, pray as earnestly as possible for their needs and allocate time if there is ever a need to address the faults and challenges we encounter in our lives. I need to be the best kind of friend I can be to whoever it is, because my conviction is that no one should have to deal with such matters alone, given that it took me a great deal of trial and tribulation to overcome the bitter portion of my life. If I can illuminate God's love unto others just as God did for me, I will not cease to do so.

Without a doubt, I admit I couldn't find a solution to my personal troubles. But perhaps some matters are best left undefined. If you can't figure out Y, it's probably best to leave the X alone.

I am done, and I'll call it a night.

Islands

My creative juices have ceased to flow since I pulled that all-nighter last Saturday at the sleepover and hit the sack at 1AM last night due to my community service project for Sociology. Hence, dear readers, you'll have to wait until I've paid my sleep debts and officially clear that overdraft off my snooze ledger before you expect to see more substantial posts from me.

Until then, here's some hipster music to tune into.

The xx has this astounding propensity to unleash the uncanny sentiments that lie within the fragile recesses of my cerebral sanctuary. I cannot digress.

Anyhow, I've had my fill of intellectual statements for the day, along with plenty of emotional vulnerabilities to complement these sentiments. So sit back and just watch the damn video while attempting to at least appreciate the psychedelic choreography prevalent in it - just so I can be happy.

Just so I can, be.

For twenty year olds who have never been loved

"All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack. 

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth? 

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen. 

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours. 

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.  

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting. 

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. 

They’re what you might call a soul mate. 

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole. 

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.” 

— Writings for Winter

I came across this while scrolling through Tumblr and thought I had to share this beautiful piece.

Because someday.

Pretending lions

I presumed my love for photography would not perish,

But now be it merely partial in play,

No, it cannot be but

Trapped in the recesses of an idle mind,

Inspiration, desire,

Pray tell, where art thou?

Nuggets : Personal shopper

Over the weekend, I've discovered that shopping for the opposite gender is probably one of life's most challenging exercises. A laborious task, it is, having to choose an ensemble that does not overtly exude a corporate demeanor and yet, must not assert a fondness of One Direction's take on preppy outerwear.

Nevertheless, I reigned victorious. It appears I have good judgment when it comes to men's clothing, because Nick liked the shirt I picked out for him, on behalf of the entire group who contributed financially towards the belated birthday gift.

I think I should use this to my advantage and take on a part-time career as a personal shopper, for members of the opposite gender. But eh, who am I kidding?

So I guess that made my day. Well, I'm glad you liked it, Nick!

Now I shall adjourn to pray and hit the sack.

Adieu.