Bleed

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you

So you can see what I can't say. 

- Bleed, Hot Chelle Rae

I, for one can really relate to the lyrics above.

This feeling of loneliness and the yearning of a presence of someone significant in my life is coming back again. However, just to clarify, I'm not about to go desperate and start looking for people to hook up with. I've made so many mistakes over and over when it comes to relationships and I know better than to step into the path I've once trodden.

On a lighter note, I spent most of my time in church today. My day in church started off with a meeting with the youth leaders at church in the morning and progressed into a jam session in the afternoon. The meeting was rather awkward for me. The previous youth pastor actually had to leave the youth and attend to a ministry in KL that God was calling him to, so another pastor called for a meeting to discuss our current state and our upcoming plans in youth. After a bit of post-mortem and brainstorming, we decided to stick with the previous leadership structure where different leaders serve in different ministries according to their ability and interests.

I personally chose to serve in the media team. I've had a lot of interest in photography, videography and writing but other than writing and photography, I've never really ventured into videography. I figured if I served in the media team, I could learn some tricks of the trade which will give me the experience I need that I'll probably be grateful for once I start working. It'll look good on my CV after all. Moreover, the media team has been having a shortage of trained successors to take over and I intend to stand up to the challenge. Not alone, obviously but with strength from God and guidance from the E-team. I was interested to serve in the cell ministry as well but I decided I'd think and pray about it before making any decisions. Again, I clarify that this was something I chose without really asking God about it. Therefore, I plan to just pray about this before I permanently commit myself to anything.

After the meeting, I went for lunch with a few of the leaders at a nearby coffee shop before heading back to the youth hall at church for the jam session. I enjoyed the jam session today as it was something different from the past few sessions I attended. The last jam I attended, I didn't really do much other than free jamming and consuming spiritual food. I'm not saying spiritual food isn't good, because I enjoy that part the most and to me, spiritual food is vital in worship. Worship is about God after all, so it's best to equip ourselves with both spiritual and physical ability. I just felt that this time I got to spend more time jamming and trying new things that I've never done before.

One of the things I tried today was singing. Yes, I've sung before in karaokes and what not but I have never sang for worship before. And it was really awkward. I couldn't go very high and I couldn't go very low so I didn't really sing my best. I remembered the lyrics by heart though, so I guess that was the only up side to the situation. I've never really given much thought to the way I sound on the microphone when I sing, but now that I've tried it I can only conclude with one thing.

I can't sing.

If I don't sound good on the mic, that's it. It's not that my voice is incredibly high pitched or hoarse, it's because my voice is mediocre. I sound normal. I don't sound good enough as compared to other people I know. And I have this weird accent when I sing that makes me sound, well, weird. I guess there's no other word for it. Well, not one that I can think of at the moment anyway.

But worship isn't about whether my voice is mediocre or amazing. It's about worshiping God. Which is why I've decided singing isn't my thing when it comes to worship. I'd rather stick to the piano unless, of course, God decides to encourage me to sing. It isn't an easy thing to do, but I'd do it out of obedience and sacrifice. If God can send His only begotten son to die for my sins so I could live, why can't I courageously go all out and do something for Him despite my innermost fears?

I guess what I really want is that my heart be made right so I can worship God wholeheartedly. I don't want to get carried away in the moment that I forget what worship is really all about. I want this to be all about God, which is why out of all the things I've been asked to do in church, worship is the one I'm always hesitant and particular about. I want to come back to the heart of worship where it's all about Him and not about everything else in the world.

Although I have a lot to learn in this journey and walk with God, I'm grateful that I've at least taken a first bold step into it. I know very well that my strength does not come from myself, but from the Heavenly Father. If God does not help me, I cannot help myself.

In summary, it has been a productive day, although I won't agree on it being a productive night. I spent 2 hours trying to finish my secretarial paperwork and I got so carried away with being online that in the end I decided I'd blog and forget about dealing with my assignments. I'll work on them tomorrow.. Hopefully.

Goodnight for now.