Parallel

So this must be what it feels like staying in a relationship that neither party cares about anymore.

You want to put in effort, and you try, but time and time again, you find yourself shying away from approaching the other party because you're afraid. You had thought that by putting money on this, you'd have been wise - chaining yourself so you'd fulfill your obligations. But that's all it really is, obligation. You're there in body, but your spirit is gone. You don't know who they are anymore, and you ask yourself if this is worth it. Maybe, this is the end. It's time to give up.

So what's holding you back?

But quitting means losing a sense of belonging and efficacy. All you hear in your hollow head are replays of "At least it looks like I'm doing something with my life", overwhelming you over and over again. And what if things get better? What if I get better, what if I try harder?

But you don't.

And the other party. It's not like they care. They notice when you're gone, when you're not there. And they ask. But they still expect you to put your foot forward and fulfill their demands - demands you had somewhat deceived yourself into thinking were mutual desires you both had, a semester ago, when you entered into this relationship. You had expected something from it, but you reasoned that what they wanted was noble, and so you wanted it too.

And you didn't get it.

So why are you still holding on?

You're not really into this, and you never really were anyway. Your excuses are all made up and hold no water - you think by appearing in selfies and showing up for dates that you were still a thing, but you're not. It's all empty. It's all pretty, but it's all for show. It's a facade, a facade that pathetically masks the true nature of your parasitical penchant.

You want to reap the benefits, but you don't want to work for it. Or you think you can't, because it's too hard. It's too brutal. Is it really all that worth it? Is this the only way, to stay? Isn't there another way to be better apart from this?

Again, it's still about you. Ugh, you are tired of it being about you and your fickle, narrow mind.

What about that dress that you bought, thinking you'd wear it someday for the formal occasion? It will hang in your closet for a long time. It will run out of style by the time the next one comes along, and you'd have to buy a new one. And that dress will collect dust, and remain between the unworn, oversized blazers and wooly mammoth sweaters. Oh dear, what do you do?

It's just a dress.

There's no reason to stay. There's no reason to hold onto something you know you are not going to do anything about anyway. Why invest time and energy without purpose, without meaning? Just give it up and move on.

So I will move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

It was a nice idea, having service and community rolled into one fraternity. But that's all it will be to me, a nice idea.

I'm sorry, APO. I'm leaving.

What am I doing here?

The same question permeated my mind, yet again.

"What am I doing here?"

In 2012, I made the decision to pursue my education in the U.S. After my SPM trials, I signed up for ADP with my SPM forecast results, with a plan to do my first two years here and finish up the remaining two years abroad.

Once out of the penitentiary they called high school, I was on fire. The sparks of dissension that I'd kept inside for eleven years in conformity to the education system had been fan into flames, and I was convinced it could not be put out. Having been told by countless teachers that psychology was a degree attained in vain, with no credible prospects, I was determined to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I was the real deal, that I was truly passionate about psychology and all those other numbskulls just weren't doing it right and in not doing so, were tarnishing the name of those who actually took the profession seriously.

And so I had college all planned out - get into a good undergraduate psychology program in an accredited university and graduate with highest honors, use those credentials for a good clinical psychology program in graduate school and graduate with a Masters, and then perhaps do a PhD. And once I was done with school, I'd come home and save Malaysia from moral decay, with whatever that I'd learned. I had plans, and I was convinced they'd come to fruition.

But it is God who directs our steps.

"What am I doing here?"

A day ago, I was walking back to the apartment with some of the international students, who were having a conversation about careers. Somehow during the conversation, one of the guys mentioned that the corporate world was a bitter place. Having sentiments of my own regarding the prospect, naturally, I spoke.

"This is why I don't want to work in the corporate world. I'd rather just be a part of clergy. Well, that's not that easy either, but at least I'm doing the work of the kingdom. I really don't know what I'm doing here. I should be in a seminary studying theology."

I couldn't be gladder for the silence that ensued and the fork that split our paths. I bid the guys farewell and took off.

This was not, the first instance, that I'd uttered something like that amongst the crowd I was with.

Over the course of three months back in Malaysia, the mystery of the gospel was revealed to me. Yet, God's plan of redemption did not begin so recently. I had already spent a year of struggling with church and my discovery of the God of the Bible through Christian Fellowship. I spent five months taking New Testament Survey, and learned to see the significance of Jesus in a way I never had before. And when I returned home over the summer, I was able to plug back into CF and study Colossians, and attend a different church, where gradually, the gospel began to unfold and the picture became clear to me. When I understood the sovereignty of God in His saving work, and the greater picture of God's plan of reconciliation, Scripture began to make sense. When I saw the sufficiency of the work of the incarnate word and the inscripturated word, I realized I had lived a life of pride and self-righteousness - of rebellion. Repentance was in order, and I was renewed. And yet, I am continually being renewed.

I had tasted the goodness of the Lord. I couldn't imagine going back to a life lived out of selfish ambition, no matter how inclined I was to succumb to it.

On one hand, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could see the power of the Cross, and trust in God's sanctifying work in my life. On the other, I was perturbed. I had made many decisions out of selfish ambition, and well, the costly dream of studying in the U.S. was one of them. While my heart may have changed, I still had to face the consequences of my decision. At this point, I wanted so badly to remain in Malaysia and devote the rest of my life towards ministry, because there was a lot of work in preaching the gospel that had to be done at home. But I could not bring myself to do it, because while I could disregard the pains I had taken to be halfway across the world, I could not dismiss my parents' sacrifices. They'd paid so much to have me here. They'd worked so hard, even when they didn't have to, just so I could achieve this, well, dream. I needed to take responsibility for my actions, because I needed to honor God by honoring my parents too. It seemed like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

For a while I felt like I was living with the consequences of my actions, that this was second best, since I'd chosen self over God prior to this. I wondered to myself why I'd discovered the gospel at such a time as this, where it seemed to be a crucial transition point in my life. I wasn't ending something or beginning something new. I am halfway through college, and there are expectations I need to live up to. I couldn't very well choose to drop out of college, not after I'd convinced my entire family that I was certain of my orientation in life.

"What am I doing here?"

I realize it is truly by the grace of God that I am here. Today, I am reminded that the sovereign Lord has known this and let this occur for a reason. And because He is sovereign, He is using my mistakes, the steps I take, to work out His plan, for His glory. That's truly something to be thankful for.

I had social psychology class this morning. We were learning about the self, and at this point my professor was holding a discussion about self-esteem. He was using the example of a speaker at convocation, who was going on and on about how God needs "you" and wants "you" to be lifted up as a person for His glory. While he didn't believe that it was completely untrue that God does use people for His glory, my professor was rather disturbed that there was so much emphasis on God needing us, rather than us needing Him. Such language promoted the elevation of the self, rather than God, and exposed the true state of Christianity in the hearts and minds of the American people. They'd wanted God, church and morale, and yet they'd wanted individualism, capitalism and right to bear arms. But they couldn't have both, and well, my professor just put it out there plainly.

However, while he'd said that, he also said that "I don't agree with preaching that completely elevates the self, and neither do I agree with preaching that considers us rubbish, or the scum of the earth." I saw his point, but I couldn't really agree with that. So I timidly raised up my hand.

"We are rubbish. We are scum. But the thing is, we are saved by grace. We are nothing, but God's grace on us changes that - it gives us hope. So I don't think it's completely right to say we're not rubbish because we are, but the point is not that it leads to hopeless despair. It's the understanding that God has redeemed us and therefore we live a life of humility and hope, knowing it is His grace that gets us through."

And when he asked about our perception of self-esteem, yet again I gave input. A girl before me had explained that it is good to have some amount of self-esteem, with the story of how she was raised in a Christian family that taught her that no one was any entitled or special, that all were saved by grace and, but that because of that same grace also, we were able to do whatever we had to do. I agreed with that, but I wouldn't have called it self-esteem, I opined. As Christians, if we truly live by the grace of God, we wouldn't be surviving on account of confidence in ourselves, but confidence in God.

It was probably a radical thing to say, because at the end of class, a girl came up to me and introduced herself. She was thankful that I'd been bold enough to speak up for what I believed in, and saw that even in a psychology class that God was present and sovereign. I thanked her for telling me that, and yes, I spent the entire day pondering.

So why is this important?

While I was back in Malaysia, there was a point where I contemplated aborting operation and just remaining home, because I had heard from my peers the stories of their comrades aborting their mission by being abroad. They've had friends who went to the U.S., who were extremely convinced that missions could take place abroad, only to realize that Americans are a difficult bunch to evangelize to. Some realized the futility of the endeavor, while others were sucked into the cycle of complacency, that remains to many Christian college students, a constant threat.

On one hand, I was afraid. Would I get sucked in too? On the other hand, I was bent on staying hardcore - I'd stay connected with people back home as fervently as I could, I'd find a good Reformed church here and find community to be accountable with and I'd build relationships with people who I know could be a potential disciple, and help them learn the bible. Having chosen to continue here, I had to go with the latter. I was going to persevere, and I wasn't going to let those "liberal Americans" get to me.

With that mindset, I had painted a bleak picture for myself. I convinced myself that Americans were all alike - that none of them were real Christians to begin with (ugh, liberals lol). I reasoned that the local church was horrifying in their theology and doctrine, and were hopeless. I thought of life here as a bad dream, all while waiting to graduate and be completely free to partake of the obedience of faith for the rest of my life. Like yes lah, right, follow Jesus for the rest of my life, onz wehh. All this other stuff rubbish weh. But until then, I'm going to have to keep fighting for the Truth and remain hostile to sin.

The past week saw me slip up, by forgetting God's sovereignty in my life and ceasing to trust Him to be faithful even when I was not. But today reminded me God is in fact in control, even if I forget that He is. I'd skipped the possibility that God has His chosen people here in America too, and I'd ceased to give them the benefit of the doubt. I thought capitalism and individuality had swallowed everyone (lol). I assumed all people think church is just about being good, and they know nothing else, and well, that was "common sense".Guess I was wrong, and well, I was glad to be, this time.

I can be so stupid. But praise God that He knows what He's doing at all times and is merciful upon a feeble human being like me!

It's not going to get easier from this point on. It's the second week of class and I'm already finding myself having to live up to the faith that I profess with my mouth and have tattooed on my heart. I realize I need to be discerning in my speech, so that all things may be done for His glory. Yet, I know that there are some things that just need to be said, and they typically will be offensive and controversial, because the word of God is alive and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, cutting through the soul and spirit, joint and marrow. But this is how we work out our salvation and preach the gospel, be it in class or on the pulpit.

"What am I doing here?"

I think I'm beginning to have a sense of what it means to be Christian now. It's some badass shit. And you never know what'll happen to you in America. I could get gunned down for offending someone (thank you Texas).

But no matter how pee-in-my-pantsy-feely I get, I'm just gonna have to trust God and continue to preach Christ crucified.

Living on prayer (NOT a post about the Bon Jovi track)

While I was writing about my mum in my gender psych journal regarding the gender differences in religion, I provided some examples about how my mum exercises her spirituality (technical terms lah - I would've prefered to call it faith heh). One of the things she's always tried, and often failed with, is having family prayer, by getting all of us to come together and just spend time with the Lord as family. I thought about how that really used to annoy not just me, but my dad and my sister, because it was so awkward.

"And besides," I thought. "Even the pastor's son doesn't do family devotion or prayer, why are we so special then? Awkward lah."

Back home, the more it seemed my mum kept urging us to pray together, the worse we would feel about the whole thing. Sometimes it even felt like a threat, like if I didn't give in to her demands, I'd lose my salvation, because honor them 'rents, duh. Yet, it never did work out, because it was pretty inconsistent and well, there seemed to be no firm basis upon why this whole "pray as a family" thing would work out, apart from the fact that "Because pastor said so" or "Because these preachers that came to church and talked about the same thing in different ways said so."

But today I realized something.

My mother had the discipline to pray, and she tried to instill that in us - in me. Yet, not only did I politely retaliate, I eventually managed to convince myself that prayer could happen anytime and making it a routine would put God in a box. I would pray when I felt like it, or when I had time, but even when I did have time, I somehow managed to put it off until life throws a bunch of lemons - spoiled ones, even.

But the problem wasn't my mum's insistence on family prayer, or the pastor's son's sentiments about praying. It wasn't about what the pastor or other preachers said.

And it wasn't about routine being the thing that ruins prayer.

The problem was simply just the fact that I didn't pray, and I needed to. And when I look back at the past few months, I've realized that I haven't actually been praying.

I know of instances where I've prayed here, but the urgency of prayer has diminished. Prayer has downgraded from being a necessity, into just a possibility. I found reasons to excuse myself from prayer, and I felt okay about it. I rationalized that my roommate was around, or that I had spent too much time working on that assignment that I'm too tired and will pray tomorrow that I just end up not praying.

And I still have the non-existent balls to actually be OKAY with that. Regardless of whatever struggles I have with church doctrines and theological differences, I knew upon the pressing of the Holy Spirit, that something is wrong, because this fundamental way of connecting with God that all churches are largely in agreement of is something I just no longer seek.

What happened to my desire for communion with God? What happened to commitment, and my fire to God? Have I allowed myself to be complacent just because I study in a Christian university, have to read the New Testament academically and talk to people about God anyway? Have I allowed the hurts that I've had back home and the disagreements of days past prevent me from seeking God's counsel in earnestness?

So I've found that without my mum's constant urge to pray, I have slowly opted out of it. Without a sense of discipline, I have landed myself in compromise. When I dismissed my mum's call to pray, I inevitably dismissed a whole four months of evoking that discipline to pray.

Yet, God is faithful to remind me.

I shall end this with a prayer to you, whoever you are, or whoever I think you are.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the readers of my blog - the few and rare people I've allowed to read the penning of my thoughts. I thank you Lord that you've revealed to me just what a blessing it is to know them and have them as people I know I can trust, and I know they are a blessing to others. Help me to be faithful to them and keep on praying for them, even as I'm here in Texas. I ask that you be with them and guide them just as you led your people in the Old and New Covenant, in today's post-modernist, health goth-loving, estranged-from-you society.

I pray that you reveal yourself through their works and their life, and in every circumstance provide them with sufficient grace, mercy and godly strength to overcome. I ask that they never stop seeking to know you as God and learn about Christ and the Holy Spirit, regardless of what their current exposure or knowledge about you is. I ask that you remind them daily to focus their eyes on you, just as you have with me, and be with them every step of the way. Be with their families, grant them health and keep them safe, all for your glory Lord.

I thank you once again for them, and ask all of this in Jesus' loving and sovereign name:

Amen.

Purpose?

"Do you really want to do this? Is psychology what you want to do?"

I might have said yes, but I really don't know.

Sure, I have it all in my head. I'm going to finish my degree here in the States, do my optional training for a year, sit for my GRE and get into graduate school to do a masters in child psychology or family/marriage counselling. It's all laid out, right?

Right?

While this might seem like a reason for concern, honestly, I'm not too worried. I know I've heard stories of many doing a degree in one field before stepping into a career that is absolutely different from what they had initially envisioned, raising concerns about the validity of investing in tertiary education. I've heard stories of gratitude from those who pursued their dreams, and tales of those who have wallowed in regret.

But what if that's not important?

What if I don't have to choose?

What if I don't have to pursue my dreams?

What about looking at opportunity instead?

I don't believe in restricting my career choices to a dichotomy of doing psychology or not doing psychology. I could still utilize my psychology degree in other fields, and even if I do end up becoming a family psychologist, that's not all that I am. I could be more.

And honestly, I don't think I even have to believe in the idea of destiny. That God has that ONE plan and purpose. Why does it have to be? Is that even biblical/godly in the first place?

If anything, it's outlined in His word that we are to become more Christlike, to pursue holiness and make disciples of all nations. Our lives are His, and well, no matter what I do, or where He takes me, there is always an opportunity to glorify Him.

So I really don't think I should be worried. Really.

Psycholo-geez

It's been more than a month now since I started college. I think it's suffice to say that I've met people from various walks of life, and I have friends I could talk to, although I'm still a little reserved. I guess time will take its course and I'll grow deeper in my friendships with people.

Most of the people that I've become friends with so far, aren't my classmates. You'd think that since I see these people, every day I'd be friends with them, right? WRONG. Firstly, most people in my classes already have their own group of friends and they've been there for a while to know one another and feel no inclination to befriend that unfamiliar Asian girl sitting right in front of class. Secondly, people here are fast. Yes, they move very quickly. When lectures end, people are out of the door in seconds. I'm always the last person there, and well, yes it's awkward, but well, it's sad too, because then I'd have no one I could talk to, just to get to know them. I did make one friend in class, but that's pretty much my success rate, which really isn't successful at all. But oh well, I tried and I'm content.

Instead, I make friends at the cafeteria. Typically, I don't have plans to go to lunch or dinner with anyone, except for the one friend I made in my gender psych class, whose company I really enjoy, but apart from that, I usually just go in and sit with people I recognize. To be fair, I did meet a couple of people during orientation and so I sat with those people first, but then they had their friends and once I got to know them, I got to sit with them too even if the people I'd met first weren't there. It makes perfect sense. That's how I've been social with people in these past couple of weeks, by sitting with people and just talking to everyone.

A few weeks ago, I decided to sit with a friend I had met at the caf from sitting with other people and as usual, I met some new faces. My friend introduced me to some of them, including this girl, C, who was a junior and taking classes to enter physical therapy school. She seemed pretty quiet, but I said hi to her anyway and then she said hi too. Still being pretty awkward, I didn't converse with her much, though I did talk to the people I already knew. The conversation was mostly about college and some other things, and then I shared a little about my struggle of fitting in and how strange my classes were.

As I talked to my friend, other people on the table tuned into our conversation, including C. Realizing that C was paying attention, I took a more inclusive approach with the group and shared with everyone about how I felt, but more particularly with C. My friend had told me that she'd been here long enough to know quite a bit, and so I made it a point to get her opinion. Seeing that she was looking right at me anyway, I directed my question to her, about how classes were in general, but I didn't mention her name.

But she didn't respond. She kept looking at me, but she didn't say anything. At first I thought she might've been thinking, but after an awkward silence, I wasn't sure what to make of it, and so I turned toward someone else and asked that person instead. I got my question answered, but I was still wondering why she hadn't responded to my question. She was looking right at me, so she would have known I was talking to her. Nevertheless, I just shrugged it off, thinking maybe she was distracted.

After we met for the first time, I began noticing her in the Caf more often. Sometimes I'd say hi and sit with her, along with some others. And again, during conversations, she held the same look, the same gaze, or stare, whatever you might want to call it, when people spoke. Occasionally, people would ask her questions and she would answer them, but when the conversation was generally about anything and everything, she was mostly silent, although she did add to it once in a while. Sometimes I'd ask questions and she'd answer them too, though not without some form of silence at first.

I also began noticing C around campus. Once a friend and I had bumped into her, and we ended up having small talk with her. Other times, I alone saw her, and I'd say hi. It took her a while to reply though, and I wondered if that might have been because she didn't remember me, or did not consider me close enough to say hi. A couple of times after that, I guess I saw her but I decided I wouldn't say hi because well, it was awkward.

But now I feel bad, because I just found out why.

I was just browsing the news section on the college website when I stumbled across an article of an interview of C. I'd known she was an athlete by the clothes she often wore, but I didn't quite know what she did and what was it that was so special about her that she landed an interview for the news section.

She's blind, and she has been, for most of her life.

It all began to make sense. She couldn't see me, and so she couldn't respond, or would take longer to if she noticed me somehow. She could look right at the person who was talking because she had a good auditory sense, but she could not know for sure, sometimes.

I feel horrible. I feel stupid, actually. How could I not have realized she was blind? And all this time, I thought she was just strange, and didn't want to acknowledge me somehow.

Man, I was blind. To the disabled. To everything. Well, I could tell if someone was physically impaired, but I could never tell if someone was intellectually challenged. I just assumed they were strange characters, but I never saw mental disorders as part of the reason why.

And to think that I'm an aspiring clinical psychologist. I must be crazy.

But really, I think she just helped me see. I see now that the world is a more diverse place than I'd ever imagined. I see now that people are truly different, not just in the color of their skin or in their age, but even in their functional ability. I'd never been in a school that catered the needs of the disabled, but now I have, and it's amazing. It's great that I am part of a school that includes everyone and gives all people a chance to have an education, and I notice things I probably would've overlooked in the past. I see now why toilets seem abnormally larger than I would envision - it's so a wheelchair could come through. I see now why there are walkways around campus - it's so the blind can navigate and know where they are going.

I see that these people are very much like you and me, just different in some ways. They might be missing a limb, or their eyesight, or even their intellectual capacity, but they aren't lacking as a human being.

They can live life as fully as we can, if not fuller.

Wow.

2B or not 2B

I didn't come to America just to study.

Sure, I came as a student, but in the grand scale of things, I don't believe that this is the only reason why God has sent me here. I know I've always wanted to come to the States and take on their education system, but I'm more than convinced that this is not the sole purpose of my presence.

There's gotta be more than this.

It's been three weeks now since I first landed in America, and my first week here as a student in Texas has officially come to an end. It's strange, really. It feels like I've been here forever, like I've left home so long that I've just become a slightly different person. I feel like if I tried to drive here, I'd probably screw it up. I mean sure, the roads here are in the opposite direction and nothing here works exactly like it does back home, but I don't know if I'll lose my ability to use a car. It feels funny not driving, not knowing where things are and getting to them as quickly as I want to like I did back home.

So I've cried. Not as much as I'd expected to, but I've shed some tears. I miss home. I miss being able to have conversations with my mum after she gets back from work. I miss being able to pour out my heart and soul to her, and cry it all out and argue with her and shout in my room until I come to my sense and realized just how loved I am at home and that I should just calm down for Christ's sake. I miss knocking on muizies' door and running right back into my room with the door slammed shut just to irritate the heck out of her. And I miss that when I do go into her room, I end up complaining about everything, and having us both light up when we agree on the things that piss us off so much. I miss having my dad knock on my door just to check on me, or pass me money and trying so hard to make conversation when we both know we very much prefer silence over anything else.

I miss being able to wake up at 10AM and walking straight down to the kitchen, upon the aroma of fried sardines and ABC soup. I miss driving my grandma to Pasaraya to get ingredients for lunch and dinner, and just talking to her in the car and still talk to her even when we get home. I regret always playing with my phone when my grandma is saying something, because I know it was probably important but I chose not to pay attention anyway. But I thank God I paid attention to her stories, the accounts of what her childhood and youth was like, and even her adult life. I miss listening to her stories about Gong Gong and those about my mum and my aunts in their childhood.

My grandma. I miss my grandma. I loved how she could love so freely, because God's love was so in her that it couldn't help but overflow. I miss just having her dish out scripture after scripture to me as I went on and on about my problems, because that's when I knew the Holy Spirit was there with us, at the dining table and he's got it all covered.

I'd better stop, lest I shed tears again. My roommate is watching a movie right in front of me and I really don't want to bother her with my emotional tendencies, heh.

While I'm aware that my being here encompasses studying and making disciples of all nations etc., I'm not so sure specifically what I'm called to do here. Again, with the strange feels I have about this place. Since I got here, I've only been to two churches, and well, they're both a place of worship I'm not quite used to. It's a lot more solemn and still in baptist churches here than in my home church. It's not bad or anything, and well, they're good churches, but I'm just finding it hard to get used to. In fact, I'm constantly trying not to impose my own understanding of what church is to me on these churches I've been to. I really thank God I was led to CF in Taylor's, because at least I know now how to look at these things and still see the glory of God wherever I am, no matter how far things appear to be from the norms I've been assigned to all this while.

But yes, I do find it hard to adjust to things here. From lousy HB graphite replacing 2B pencils to interchanges between Fahrenheit and Celcius, this glove is definitely one-sized and does NOT fit all.

That's not to say that things haven't been going great here though. I've been extremely BLESSED.

Since I came to Texas, people here have been nothing but friendly. I am amazed at how hospitable and kind everyone is, it's crazy (for someone like me who is terribly cynical about the world, YES THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY NICE!). And that's just one way God has shown His love for me. I know God loves us as much as He loves the next person, but I'm learning now just how His love is so personal, so real and so BIG. I see it so clearly now, every day of my life and everywhere I am right here in this small town in West Texas.

I have not lacked anything from the day I stepped foot into this country, and I am extremely grateful for that. For one, I don't have to worry about food at all. I know the Caf would be closed on certain hours during the weekend or the public holiday and I'd have to buy myself food. Yet, so far I haven't had a problem with that. I would never run out of people to offer me a ride to get food, or even a place where I could get free food. It's CRAZY! The same goes with getting rides to Walmart, or finding people to have lunch with, or going to church, or even just for plain conversation. I've even found a roommate who I have quite a bit in common with, and I find that pretty cool. She's not too crazy, and I think we complement each other quite well as roommates. We typically study a lot and have things we can talk about (although we mostly do our own thing). She's not OCD about keeping the room kempt all the time and she likes coffee. Oh and she's Indian (American, but Indian nonetheless), and so we do have our Indian food cravings more than anything. I still find it hard to believe I have a roommate that will not induce trichotillomania within me (of course that's a bit more towards to the scientifically abnormal side of things and is not the kind of hair pulling girls do when they hate each other lol).

I have been blessed, I have been given more than I could ever hope to receive and I have learned quite a bit about myself from coming here. I've learned that I need to be responsible from myself, but that responsibility does need equal total independence. I cannot endorse self-pity, and expect people to be responsible for how I feel or the decisions I make; but I can draw wisdom from them if mine is insufficient because God puts people in my life for a reason. I need to be able to take care of myself, but when I can't manage, I know I can get help from others. People here are more than happy to help (I absolutely love this about living in the South!) and won't take it personally if I don't understand or doubt what they're saying. I choose to trust people, but I still am discern in choosing those I trust. Each day, I am convinced of this truth - I cannot use the same model of how to navigate life that I employed back home, to do life here in the forty acres.

God is teaching me new things every single day, and I am eager to learn. And He gives me new mercies every morning to overcome, regardless of the circumstances (and the cold).

Yet the question still begs to be answered - What am I doing here?

Only God knows. And the only way I'll ever find out, is to spend time with Him. Moments of silence and concentration are really hard to come by. When I lived alone, it was hard even focusing on God; but now that I have a roommate, I hardly ever find a conducive place where I can come before God and have a quiet time with Him. I guess I'll just have to work that out. God is omnipresent and He is sovereign, so that shouldn't be an excuse for not communing with the Heavenly Father.

To conclude, here's a scripture you might be immune to from having heard it countless times as a Christian (or maybe your Christian friend has mentioned). I had a "Wow" moment when it was quoted in Selma, a film of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, who fought for the civil rights of the African American people during the 60s. Not sure if it's in Malaysia, but if it is, go watch it. It is AWESOME!

SPOILER ALERT:

This was quoted when Dr. King and his fellow activists were imprisoned after supposedly causing a scene in one of their peaceful protests at the courthouse in Selma, Alabama. He was really discouraged, and was worried about what would happen to the movement if he'd been killed. However, Ralph Abernathy turns to King and says,

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"

- Matthew 6:26-27

Welcome to America

It’s been a week now since I landed here in New York, in the U.S. of A. It’s been exciting, just experiencing the culture and visiting world-renowned places first hand; not via TLC on Astro or some media-inclined stereotypical interpretation of America.

Getting connected with my relatives definitely gave me a glimpse of what the country has to offer. My grandaunt and her family offered a tonne of insight into New York and generally, life in America. Although, they moved to the States a few decades ago, their enthusiasm for the place they’ve called home hasn’t faltered. My granduncle certainly hasn’t hesitated in sharing his love for America. He kept going on and on about what a great place the States is and how it made him feel over breakfast this morning. To reiterate (and translate from Cantonese to English) his point, America is a place that makes him happy. America offers many things, material and non-material; both of which fulfilled man’s desire to be well, happy.

“You can do anything here. In America, you are free to become who you want to be.”

They said I was a genius to have chosen to study in America. Well, I guess I’d have to agree (c’mon they be complimentin’ my decision makin’ skills whaddup).

On the other hand, this same liberty I am learning to embrace is equally as daunting. Given that America is definitely notches higher in the liberalism scale than in Malaysia, things are bound to get crazy (on the grand Malaysian scale of things, that is). Suddenly the sky isn’t the limit anymore.  And if I choose to be terribly negative and not focus on the hope that is in Jesus, limit ceases to exist in the pre-existing thoughts and vocabulary of people here.

Things probably differ from state to state, but people here in New York are pretty vociferous. You could be as loud as you’d like here, and it’d be “your right” to do so. People might raise an eyebrow or have their attention stolen for a second or two, but generally, people don’t care much. Americans are pretty vocal about everything; they’d tell you to get out of the way if you were in it and it’d be okay. If you were being a douche on the road and taking up way too much parking space when you could have moved forward by a few inches so another car could slide into a spot (true story bro), they’d say it to your face how douche-y you are, and more. Well, I guess I’d expected vulgarity every now and then, but I’m still quite taken aback by how “okay” everything can be. Sometimes it just seems like there aren’t any rules here, like you could do what you want and measure it against your own moral and ethical rule.

To me, this begged a question. A question easily answered, but a question nonetheless. And you  know how much I like asking questions. How would I then know how far is too far? When then will things be okay, and how will I know if I’ve made the right choice?

That’s why Jesus came, and when he left, the Holy Spirit. Lah. Yes, that lah was necessary, because I honestly like speaking Manglish a lot better than this ciplak version of an American accent. Pai seh.

In the last couple of days I’ve been having some doubts about coming to America. Some incidents that occurred here (which I will not care to mention because you know, TL;DR) have managed to conjure a sense of fear and anxiety about what is to come in the next two years. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to discern accurately who is good or bad. Not as in a ‘I-hate-you-because-of-your-skin-color-way’ or ‘I-like-you-because-we-both-listen-to-Coldplay’ kinda way, but rather in a ‘I-need-the-Holy-Spirit-to-teach-me-discernment’ way. I definitely lack in that department.

But if there’s one thing I realize, it’s this – God has made a way for me here. Sure, it’s over fifteen thousand kilometres away from home, and I’ve been pretty sheltered by both my physical and spiritual family all this time that coming out here and attempting to thrive and not just survive is a lot to behold. Yet, deep inside, I know I’m exactly where I need to be.

I’ve always felt like there was a need to get away from the comfort and confines of my nest in TTDI, KL and embark on this journey of studying abroad. I know I’m not going to be perfectly fine in the first few months I’m here in the States, but I’m going to make it. I’m going to work through the trials and temptations with God by my side, and come out strong. I’ve been given a chance by my loving Heavenly Father to experience life a different way, and perhaps my faith in a spectacular way as well. I don’t diminish the experiences I’ve had in Malaysia, with CF and the youth church, but I’m all for growth. I’m all for stepping out of the culture and expectations of my home church and learning and encountering God anywhere else in this world.

And right now, that’s here – in the U.S.A.

Only time will tell how I fare, but until then, keep me in your prayers. Whoever you are, at any time zone, reading this blog post, I ask that you intercede for me. I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water in this really emotional and fragile time of transitioning from the old to the new and it has taken a toll on my walk with God. The word of God that I once regarded so highly has suddenly gone to the bottom of the list. It’s almost off the list, actually. And that’s scary. I can’t let that happen.

I know my walk is my responsibility and it’s a choice I have to make, but I’d still like you guys to pray for me. Not out of obligation, but out of love. Out of relationship. I haven’t shared this blog with many people, and those whom I have shared this with, I truly trust and consider my dearest friends. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to people, something I have found very difficult to do all my life, but can do with the strength of God. So keep me in your prayers. I’ll do the same for you, fo sho.

Uni starts in over a week, and I’m really excited! I’ll be flying to Texas tomorrow, where I’ll call
home for the next two years. I guess journey mercy would be a great thing to include in your prayer for me, haha. But yeah, that’s about it.

And here we go!

Love strength

Yes, yew. I'm talking about Yew, Ai Li.

Well, what a way to begin a farewell post. But I suppose you would've expected nothing less from me. I just hope you like my pun as much as I do myself (hehe).

Dear Ai Li,

I honestly feel that our friendship has been way too short. I only seriously got to know you for about three semesters (HIST102? Mehh) from when I met you in IPC class. At that time I didn't think we'd make good friends because you seemed pretty reserved, but now that almost an entire year of makan and amusement has gone by, I think I can actually call you a friend. Not just any friend, a TRUE friend.

I hope you're not lactose intolerant because I know that was cheesy. Ha-ha.

Anyway, thank you GeGirl for all that we've had during this brief period of friendship. Thank you for always being such a great sport when it comes to trying new things (and by things I really just mean food). Thank you for the heartwarming and mind-blowing conversations we've had. Thank you for putting up with my impromptu emo stances and sudden surges of energy that compel me to attack everyone with jokes lame enough to paralyze Usain Bolt. Thank you for the times you drove me to school when my car got into an accident. Thank you for bringing your brother to Sofia's house because now I realize I don't actually want a younger brother anymore. Thank you for giving me a great laugh when you become silly, regardless whether by circumstance or by choice.

But in all seriousness though, thank you for teaching me to let it go let it go can't hold it back any and live. You probably might be oblivious to this, but you've taught me a great deal about making the most out of life.

Having read your stories on your blog, I can really see that you've come a long way. I might not have known who the old Ai Li was compared to the one I know now, or perhaps you are still the same Ai Li you once were, but I can truly say that you've grown to some extent and you're still growing too. I really admired how you just decided you'd climb Mount Kinabalu and actually went ahead and did it, on your own initiative! If there's one thing I can relate to you about, it's probably the fact that we both have many aspirations, and that we have a bucket list of things we'd wanna do while we're still alive. Seeing you accomplish the things you've set out to achieve is amazing, and it inspires me to do the same too. I'm slowly gaining momentum on ACTUALLY GETTING THINGS DONE now, so I guess that's great, but yeah, I really wanted to know that you've taught me that and it has been a blessing in my life. So thank you, and I hope you're encouraged to hear this.

Nevertheless, there are so many more lessons we have yet to learn in life. Ai Li, I pray that you won't give up, in whatever you do. If you ever hear that voice in your head telling you that maybe you can't do it, tell it to shut up or else Vivian will personally go all the way to Indiana to rebuke you! (trust me, it ain't pretty when I rebuke stuff) Okay lah, I don't think I am financially ready to go several states away just to blast your insecurities, but you get my point. Don't let it get to you. Always remember that you are WONDERFULLY and FEARFULLY made in His image, and that YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. Make sure that sticks, if anything. Continue to be a blessing to others, and treat everyone with kindness and compassion oh and don't worry be happy hehe.

Well, this has been lengthy. Before I spare you from the wrath of my long-windedness, I'd like to say I'm sorry if there was anything I may have said or done that dishonored you as a friend or hurt your feelings. I want you to know that I never meant any of it (even the jokes above are for purposes of humor and humor ONLY). I hope you can forgive me if any such instances have occurred, and that we can look past it and move on. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to refrain from making fun of if it really bothers you. I will do it, just for YEW. Okay everything except the puns. I GET TO KEEP THE PUNS.

I hope this gave you an idea of what our friendship has meant to me. I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless you and have a safe trip. Toodles!

Your exclusively hilarious friend,
Viviannnnnnn

Coconut tree

I honestly don't know what I'm doing these days. On the outside, I seem to be taking on each day as usual, living each moment to the extent it is deemed adequately lived. Inside, however, I am all but okay.

I don't remember how it happened. I don't recall what it was that made me slip out of that momentum of obedience and passion for Christ. My spiritual life has been dry and sure, I see God working in many different ways, but something seems to be missing. I wonder if I'm trying hard enough to seek Him, or if there's a hindrance that disallows me from finding my dad in Heaven. And a lot of times, I wonder if it's because I haven't exactly made a substantial amount of progress with my dad at home.

Yeah sure, we went out two nights ago to watch the World Cup finals at Mayang, but not much was said or done. I had him accompany me, but I wasn't sure if that was a legit dad-daughter hang out sesh. And I'm still wondering. But just when I think perhaps things could take a turn for the better, I've done something to disappoint him, yet again.

I rammed my Swift into a coconut tree.

Yes, as funny and absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I caused that dent on the back of my car by hitting a coconut tree. I was reversing my car while attempting a three point turn at a housing area, but as I kept my focus forward, my back (and only) sensors somewhat fell asleep and didn't tell me that my car was about to hit something. But it did, and when I drove to the side of the street to examine my car, I saw the dent.

Well crap.

Anyway, I couldn't do much to salvage the damage done (pushing the dent outwards failed) so I guess I had to carry on with whatever I had planned for the day and worry about it later.

And so I drove to Klang with JY by my side. Fortunately, we managed to find the place after a safe journey there, so that was one good thing that happened today.

I'm sure anyone who's reading this right now is probably thinking, "One good thing? Your Instagram pictures show otherwise."

Well, you gotta make the most out of everything and I think yeah, I had a great time today. I got my bak kut teh fix, and I got to visit Setia City Mall and go into jakun mode at that beautiful lawn. That was good.

It could have been better though, if I wasn't having period cramps. But the thing about life is that it throws you lemons sometimes, and you just gotta learn to make lemonade and stop whining about how sour everything tastes.

Okay, so I guess that makes it three good things that happened today. Oh wait, four, considering that I finished one more bit of my research paper. I have four more bits to go, but I think I'll manage it, given that I have an entire day to finish it tomorrow (if I don't procrastinate).

So I guess the bottom line is that today was a relatively good day. And even if things did go wrong, it still was a day gone by and a day accounted for in my life; and I will not disregard it.

After all, even Job, the man who undertook a whole lot of crap from Satan when the Lord allowed for him to be tested said in Job 2:10, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

What difference should it make? Is life meant to be a sugar coated endeavor in which we are immune to all inconvenience? Does receiving the bad undermine the ability of God to be in control and exert His holiness?

NO. Our God is just. God will always be God, even in spite of our fickle and fallen nature.

I guess I've found my answer then. I need to continue to pursue Him, until I find out what this is all about.

God is always God, His love never fails and though I don't always see Him, He remains omnipresent and REAL in my life.

To You

Sometimes I wish I would just say less and mean more.

I broke the momentum and this is where it has gotten me.

I need to come back to You. Only You can pull me out of this. You said you wanted us to KNOW you, and not offer sacrifices.

I want to know You.

And I want to move on from all of this.

The past week has been fatal, and repressive to the spirit man, and I realize I can do nothing apart from You. I need to run home to You again, God. I need you, God.

I don't live to please people. I live to do what You have called me to do. My life is Yours.

And to think that in one month, I will be undertaking the painstaking process of university applications. But I know why I'm going, and I know I'll be a better person because of it.

You've taken me this far by Your grace, and I'm to be taken further. My faith will grow.

And really, there's nothing else I need to know. You are in control, and I need to stop looking at the surface where negatives breed, and see Your ultimate plan. I need to look at the roots, not just the leaves.

Real student life is about to start. And You're going to be there every step of the way. I cannot live without You.

This Is What You Do

Because it's not about Heaven or Hell, but it's about what God above is doing in my life in the here and now. And probably because I'm listening to that particular track in prep for this week's worship at youth church.

So the past couple of weeks have been crazy. Not crazy as in, crazy busy, which I'd initially hoped to be, but crazy in an emotional and nerve-wrecking way. And possibly, mundane even.

Plenty of things have happened.

In the span of weeks, I met up with the youth coordinator, quit bible study and am still dealing with matters of hatred and forgiveness with some of my closest Christian brothers. I went for a Christian Counselling conference, broke my vow to abstain from burgers for the rest of the year and had profound conversations with one of my closer leader buddies while riding shotgun. I also managed to keep in touch with one of my trusted brothers from Korea on Whatsapp, and I have a hunch that he's getting very irritated with my constant questions about life in general. So there.

More importantly, however, I took a trip down memory lane to the painful areas of my life. I won't say it was something I had planned to do this year, but given my creative writing monologue required substance and conflict, I undertook a bucketful of tears through confronting my mum about the hurts I had as a child.

I don't regret any of it though. I'm glad it's out of my system, and I can sense the Holy Spirit within me, comforting me and pushing me forward.

I really don't know what I'd do without Jesus.

I got upset again on Tuesday, and my head got really messy. I'm trying to rationalize everything that has been happening to me, but I've found that talking to others no longer clear things up in my head. I haven't told my mum anything, and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, what do I get from talking? Shouldn't I be focusing my eyes on Jesus and crying my heart out to Him? Only He can salvage my cracking heart all over again.

I really don't know. A part of me is afraid of trusting people again, but I don't want to end up like that again. I don't want to reinvent the silence I forced myself through when I was fourteen because I felt I was hopeless and nothing could be done about me. I am a sensitive person and the more I try to figure things out and control myself, it just gets worse.

People tell me I need to change, but I don't think they realize it's easier said than done. I'd rather they just pray for me and learn to accept that I learn slowly and things don't just undergo transformation overnight.

But until then, I need to bury His word in my heart. I need to hide under His wing and let Him heal me. Nobody, as comforting and sympathetic as they are, can spur change in me.

Only God can. But if I don't let Him, things will just keep getting tough.

I need to learn to be alone, with God by my side. I've come to realize that devotion is something I find hard to do, but I'm slowly learning. I've started doing worship by playing the guitar, but my skills make it a nuisance for me to sing nicely. But I know God isn't there just so He could hear the gift He gave me, He's there to spend time with me for me.

I've thought more than I've written, but given that my class is in half an hour and I need to print out my first draft for my monologue, I'll have to continue some other day.

But it sure feels good to be writing again. I think this overcomes a little of the clutter in my head. I should be able to think straight for quite a bit.

Thank you for hearing me out though. I'll remember to tell Daddy God of your kindness, because I want you to be blessed for your love for me. Tata.

Ipoh road trippin'

As it turned out, Ipoh has its own set of street art as well. All the murals were located along an entire street and there weren't quite as many as there were in Penang. Nevertheless, that didn't stop us from traipsing across this part of town, mimicking painted personae and engaging in group shots/selfies.

White coffee

Where we lived

Frankly, I've been to Ipoh countless times so I didn't really take it upon myself to photographically capture every meal we had during the trip. Rather, I focused more on getting group shots to create substantial memorabilia, as well as capture the surroundings of Old Town. I've always found the rusticity of Ipoh appealing, but I never got around to photograph any of it until last week. I'm truly grateful for this trip, I must say, and although I do have my doubts on whether I would go again with a company of twelve, I wouldn't have missed this one any other way. This time around, however, I managed to try my hand at videography where I pretty much shot scenes to incorporate into a montage of the entire trip. I've completed a montage of our first day in Ipoh, so do check it out below!

Until then!

Food for thought

I know I'm pressed for time given that my IR finals are tomorrow, but the Spirit decided that I would not rest until I posted this up. GOLD, really.

Last Friday, the camp committee and I finally had the opportunity to meet up with Pastor Dave from Acts Church, who is to be our speaker for the upcoming CF Camp. We were able to see what he had in mind for the camp, as well as convey some of our own expectations and our own questions. It was then when my CF president brought up her concerns of how to proceed with evangelism and how we could reach out to others, in spite of our own inadequacies.

Pastor Dave pointed out two things. Firstly, he mentioned that we need to have the courage to evangelize. Although it is easier said than done, we need to be courageous - we need to take the first step. As my CF president pointed out, even in the Great Commission, the first word that surfaces is "GO." So God tells us to GO and make disciples in all the nations. We need to have the courage to take that leap of faith, to evangelize. Yet, most of us still wonder, "Well, that's easier said than done, ain't it?"

This brings me to Pastor Dave's second point. Next, we need to be spirit-led. We have to be aware of what the Holy Spirit says to us and allow the Spirit to lead us in everything that we do, especially when evangelizing to others. Every word and act that is brought forth in our lips must come from the Heavenly Father and not with our own wisdom. Often, the Holy Spirit is the part of the Trinity that most of us, even myself, tend to take for granted. Furthermore, when we talk about the Holy Spirit, most people who do not come from charismatic backgrounds have this misconception that the Holy Spirit is parallel to the act of speaking in tongues, or seizure-like occurrences, or some wild and bizarre supernatural sign that frankly, even I am often frightened by at times. Sure, there is mention about the gifts of the Spirit such as the gift of tongues or even the interpretation of tongues, but that isn't what the Holy Spirit is entirely about.

The Bible also talks about the Fruits of the Spirit in the book of Galatians. The attainment of these fruits depict growth or development in our faith, as we reflect the likeness of the Lord in daily conversion and conduct. It is by the fruits that we are granted entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, and it is by the greatest fruit of all, that is LOVE, in which our faith and works mean something. After all, it is said in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3;

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing."

Love must be the basis of all our actions, our convictions and ultimately, our faith. Frankly, it isn't easy for me, considering that I like my world to revolve around the rightness and wrongness of things. I always want to be right, and I constantly have this terrible desire of wanting to put other believers down with Christian rhetoric or even, dogma. Furthermore, I am easily affected by other believers who appear to possess better biblical knowledge than I do, and who is unafraid to point out my inaccuracies.

Regardless of the intentions of others, it is I who must check my heart. Who do I serve, and who am I trying to please? What are my actions and my speech based upon? Would it be better for me to refrain from mouthing Christian dogma towards others if it were to land them on shaky ground? Apart from these, there are a myriad of other questions I constantly have to ask myself, and I know very well that I do not have the answers for most of them. But I know very well that if I put my faith in God and remain in Him, He will reveal these things to me and I need not worry about what others think.

I've lived far too long attempting to conceal my brokenness to others, in hopes that others in seeing the impeccable life I live will come to know Christ. But no, this is absolutely and inherently wrong, and I deserve to be condemned for ever thinking it would work. From this point onwards, I am determined to remain vulnerable to those around me, although I know I will get hurt at some point or another. I know I will make mistakes, and I know people will deduce that I am a hypocrite when my words contradict my actions. But I am human, and I accept the fact that I am a hypocrite. I will never be perfect, until Kingdom come. And that's exactly why I need God, because only He can do all things. And His power works best in weakness - my weakness, your weakness, everyone's weakness.

So as per the prospect of evangelism, I will let Him do the job. It is not my responsibility to convert anyone into becoming a Christian. I am but a gardening tool for the harvest, either to plant the seed, to water it or to harvest it. Regardless of which, I am well aware what my duties are and will not seek to play God.

Who is my refuge and strength? Who is my Father in Heaven, who loves me for me, in all my brokenness and iniquity?

Nobody else, but JESUS.

A fine frenzy

So recently I have discovered this amazing app called Spotify, and it has revolutionized the way I listen to music. There are literally dozens of playlists for every mood and occasion, and I've been so ecstatic at the prospect of having a musical theme for every day of my life without undertaking the painstaking process of creating my own playlist. Remarkable, really!

Apart from the discovery that I am now able to synchronize my music with my mood, things have been okay. I still think deep thoughts, I still strive to retain my academic stature and I'm still figuring things out in my faith. Regardless of everything, I can only be grateful that He's been faithful in every circumstance. I can only be grateful that in all my brokenness and fragility, God still loves me. It's crazy that a sovereign and perfect God like Him can love me in all my flaws. I guess I can only thank Jesus for that, for taking my sin - OUR SIN, upon himself so we can have a relationship with the Father. I am really blessed, and I'm not letting any seemingly troublesome endeavor or challenging undertaking ruin the day He has made. I will simply be glad and rejoice in it.

I really am glad for the people God has placed in my life. He's enabled me to see that it isn't a question of whether a person is a believer that they should be a good friend. I can still remember the call for abstinence my school teachers (and sometimes even Sunday school teachers, unfortunately) would advocate. It resonated with me when I was much younger that I should not be in the company of those who had adopted negative values in their lives, simply because it could influence the way I behaved. I do admit, I was rather impressionable (even under childhood standards where 

impressionability is at its zenith), and I took it all pretty seriously. I guess you could say I unwillingly and unconsciously bore a spirit of criticism and condemnation - a result of my strict moral nurturance.

But lately, that infantile theory has been rendered invalid. Although I'm prone to passing judgment upon initial impressions, the Holy Spirit is always there to put my thoughts to a halt. As I'm about to or as I even mentally contemplate a schema in which I should classify an individual under, I am reminded that the person is a creation of the Heavenly Father, made in His own image. And what more can I say? I must, and I shall love this person as Jesus would have loved him or her. It is of no importance what a person does, what they look like they could be any longer, or even what their faith is founded upon; what matters is who they are. They are the creation of the Creator, and to show love to these people would be to reciprocate the Heavenly Father's love. I won't even go into listing out the societal labels placed on individuals as my mind scours through them, because it isn't worth it. We're all people, and we aren't perfect, and we all need the God all the same, for God is love.

Furthermore, we don't have to succumb to the interests and habits of others - we have a greater identity in Christ that keeps us on solid ground. Perfect love casts out fear, and those who fear have not been made perfect in love. Love is a really dangerous thing. And I don't mean that it is only in terms of romantic relationships - I mean the actual willingness to put others before yourself, even in a situation of life or death. That's how far I would want to go for a person, if I truly loved them. My family, my friends, my acquaintances and perhaps, even the relatives whom I find hard to swallow my distaste of. And God-willing, I hope I will someday.

Well yes, I'm not saying it's been easy. It's been tough, attempting to eliminate a stronghold that has lived in my mind for a sizeable amount of time. But I know change doesn't occur overnight, and so I refuse to back down and let my circumstances overwhelm me. Instead, I will make the best out of what I've been given, and let God transform an unfavorable situation into one that glorifies the name of Jesus. While it's been challenging, it's also been very exciting altogether, seeing what God is doing not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. It doesn't matter who God uses to be the salt and light wherever I happen to be, it is always encouraging to see people grow in their love for the Father.

Personally, I have some freights I need to let go myself. The things of the past that have held me back shall not hold me back any longer. My temperance cannot become a hindrance in progressing in my faith. I realized I have had a little distaste (okay perhaps a tad bit more, let's not sugarcoat that shall we?) for some people in my life on account of the past. But THE PAST IS THE PAST. I've moved on, and I promised God I would hold on to the progress I have made. And I know I will, as long as I don't get caught up with my past fears, my past emotions and my past mistakes. Today, I realized I have moved on from all that. I no longer feel wistful when I see certain things that remind me of what used to be, and I always try to keep a thankful attitude for what I am blessed with so I will not fall into a cycle of dissatisfaction and selfishness again. I trust God and I know I only need to be concerned about His kingdom. Everything else isn't even half as important, and will be added unto me as long as I continue to remain faithful to Him.

Yes, even the matter of finding a life partner. At least I know I am not given the gift of celibacy due to the existence of such desires, and I am looking forward to seeing who it is. In the meantime, my eyes are fixed on Jesus. My objective is to build friendships and in time, these things are revealed to me. I'm just glad that I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about a certain someone not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I am waiting for the right time. I will let Him unfold it before me, and I refuse to limit God by offering Him my superficial expectations of having a tall, dark, handsome Christian guy from church. GOD WILL DECIDE (and then let me know lulz).

It may seem strange that I am talking about these things as if I were a child again, still ensconced in innocence and naivety. Contrary to opinion that I have been degraded into my 14 year old self, I'd like to think that I'm reverting to having faith that is childlike. To discredit the notion of overthinking everything and trying to rationalize the world and its caveats with my own wisdom. I will let God be God, and let Him take His place above my life.

I suppose this post will end here. I need sleep. 5 hours of sleep on account of IR has left me disgruntled for a lack of liberty in sucking the marrow out of life.

Until then, xx.

Throwback

In retrospect, 2013 has been a fruitful and eventful year altogether.

In summary, last year I got to:

1. Interview Dia Frampton in person

2. Step into university life

MATH171. I still loathe calculus!

COMM101

ENGL101 field trip

The Uninvited bunch after Meei Jin's theater performance

The CHEM101 bunch

Obligatory post-IPC final poster group photo

3. Confirm the attainment of my scholarship with pretty kick ass SPM results (and later work to kill these dreadful working hours)

4. Join CF

5. Pass my driving test at the third attempt without bribery

6. Drive my own car

7. Visit Singapore again after 4 years and restore connections with relatives there

8. Attend prom yet again

Nick's a real stud heh

9. Take on a post as secretary in CF

CF Committee '13/14

10. Meet Jason Chen and Clara C

11. Turn eighteen with a shower of love

La familia @ Uth

 And The Uninvited (BO JIO) bunch!

12. Obtain an official PAYING part time job as a copywriter

13. Meet Darren Ashley

14. Reestablish my presence in cell and in Alpha (albeit briefly)

15. Finally study the subject of psychology

16. Join 2 sports houses, and take part in a student organized Amazing Race

MASH

Kryptoknights!

17. Say goodbye to whom farewells are due

Kah Haw's

Shad's

3M - Miao Zii, Meei Jin and Mickey's

18. Get into an accident (obviously unintended)

19. Pay Sunway Lagoon a visit again after 12 years

Free tickets thanks to our dear mei mei!

20. Attend my first ever caroling session

21. Attend the inaugural Leader's Retreat

22. End 2013 at a watch night service with my leadership familia (it will be my last before I leave to the States)

... and etcetera.

Throughout the whole of last year, I've seen God bless me with the ability to retain a rather excellent CGPA, find favor with most of my lecturers and find great friends in a setting that was truly novel to me. On a less positive note, I made a rash decision to enter into a relationship at the beginning of the year as a result of the whimsicality of all these novel notions, but upon God's call for me to return to Him, I abruptly then called an end to the relationship on the basis of obedience. I also found conflict with some of my peers and doubted the friendships I was forming with them because they didn't seem to be my "type", but soon found that "types" were a manifestation of a narrow minded mindset and began to open up to people of different interests and of different preferred language in speech. God also reminded me that when it comes to people who delve in an ocean of sins, I must learn to love the sinner and hate the sin. I've come to understand that love does institute change in people, for in 1 Peter 4:8 it says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Almost unknown to me, this year I was also able to honor God in various areas of my life - most of which I was unaware of due to my constant focus on the negative that I had engaged in rather than the positive. For one, I was able to make a conscious decision to honor my father and mother in multiple occasions. I heeded their call to return home early when I had to leave at night, and to call if I could not make it back in time. I had to forgo a couple of events I really wanted to attend out of my obedience to my parents, and had a number of rows with them on the account of their limitation of my freedom. However, during the retreat a couple of days ago, God spoke through my elder leaders that He acknowledged my effort, that He never once forgot the good I did in spite of the numerous horrible decisions I've made over the course of this year. And truly, it is encouraging to hear it from the Lord Himself and I will strive to honor my parents more and more each day.

With relation to honoring my parents, I've found that God has restored my relationship with both my parents, especially my father. Since my uncle's death, he's come to realize that the pursuit of fortune is a superficial and meaningless one, for even my uncle who worked so hard to sustain his family of one, ended up passing on before his time came. I truly thank God that he's finally come around to become a real dad, and I'm doing my very best to be a great daughter as well. I can earnestly witness what God has for my family - the things that have appeared to be a nuisance in the beginning have come to manifest itself as a blessing in disguise, all according to God's perfect plan. It really is AMAZING. Other than that, God has also shown me that the trials I have undertaken have had a great purpose. Being able to share my testimonies after overcoming the obstacles I have had in my life with other who are in the same rut and knowing that they've been encouraged by the words I've said certainly brings me great joy.

In summary, all that, was 2013. But I think the question on all our minds right now is, what's to come in 2014?

I hope this answers your question. My first ever vlog, but there will definitely be more to come.

To my dear readers who've stuck with me from the beginning until today, I thank you. Thank you for taking part in this journey with me. Whoever you may be, always know that you have my love and my endless gratitude.

Here's to a double blessed 2014!