Help Me Find My Own Flame

I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion

I don't want to find that I'm just dry bones

I want to burn with unquenchable fire

Deep down inside see it coming alive

Help me find my own flame

Help me find my own fire

I want the real thing

I want Your burning desire

Do what only You can do

In my heart tonight,

There's no better time

- Will Reagan & United Pursuit

This really resonated with me. I need to find my passion in who God has created me to be, not what others expect me or impose on me to be. Sometimes we look at other people and see what a great walk they have with God, or we become in awe of the things they've accomplished as a person and wish we could be more like them.

But that's not right. God made us for a purpose that he himself gives us, and to try and be another one of his creations only means we are not happy with how he has made us. And who are we to question our function? God knows what is best, and we must stay close to Him to know what He is doing in our lives.

So I must live with a fire for God, to please Him and Him alone.

Everything else, really, is nothing.

For future reference

I don't know what is about my brain that gets me all awkward and seemingly uncool whenever I adjourn into an impromptu conversation with people about the kind of music we listen to and who in that particular genre we like because when I try thinking of which band/artist/genre I like best I just end up going like, "You know, a lot of stuff" and then when it's over and I'm on my own suddenly a million artists/bands/genres come pouring into my head and all I can afford to say is "Daaaaaayummm".

So in the event that I ever come across such a situation again, I will refer to this post and read out this list for these people because you'd have to be really cool for me to share my musical preferences with you and actually like what you like too because I'm just as cool as you (or not really if I happen to forget again but I hope not).

Okay to be fair, I will only say one thing. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER COLDPLAY, BECAUSE I LOVE COLDPLAY.

But everything else I will have to put here because I never seem to remember them at the right time although I'm pretty much hooked on em in Spotify.

For the record, these are in no particular order of whatever. Or are they

The Naked And Famous
Bombay Bicycle Club
M83
Stromae
Iron & Wine
Aloe Blacc
Jack Johnson
Sigur Ros
The 1975
Jonsi & Alex (I particularly like Boy 1904)
Foster The People
Switchfoot
The Lumineers
John Legend
Lorde
Nine Days (because Absolutely Story of a Girl was, is and will probably always be my theme song)
Explosions In The Sky
The Neighbourhood
Yuna
The Temper Trap
Clean Bandit
Arcade Fire
The Black Keys

And for Christian music:

Ascend The Hill
Bethel Music
Lecrae
Matt Redman

I probably seem less cool now that I've made this stupid list. And omg I almost every single one of em are male artists/male bands. Oh well, it couldn't be helped.

I need help. Okay bye

Un chien andalou

These days I find myself becoming a realist more than ever. Imagination doesn't easily entice me anymore - the wave of reality tends to sweep me back into this seeming pothole of stressful college life. Surely working life must be more tedious than this, and yet I fail to recognize the given graces I have received.

It's strange, really. I don't find excitement striding by the fiction novels section in the bookstore anymore. I don't prance about in glee when I see the new installment to the science fiction trilogy I was so ensconced with a while go. I examine the covers of recommended reads, read the synopsis at the back, only to discover that I've come across another cliche tale of two war torn souls, or of individuals attempting to start anew and yet have the past chase them.

It doesn't affect me anymore, and that in itself, affects me.

And you know what else is strange? Listening to M83's Hurry Up, We're Dreaming album about two years after it's release. Previously, I've only ever heard Midnight City, Reunion, When Will You Come Home? as well as Train to Pluton, but even so, in inaccurate order. I don't know why this matters to me, but it somehow does. I guess M83 just instills this sense of surrealism within your psyche that it arrests your ability to think logically and you somewhat just forget what you really mean to say in the first place.

Having said that, there's really nothing more satisfying than driving at a hundred on a highway, college bound, just as the sun is coming up while listening to Midnight City. Or any other track on the 2 disc deluxe album.

On a slightly more hopeful note, I think I'm a little more optimistic now in life. I've come to realize that it's okay to be me. It doesn't matter whether or not my college friends care about me or what I think, or whether they even see me as a friend in spite of my inability to connect with their thoughts in Mandarin. It doesn't matter that I don't have a boyfriend now in college and that my parents will see to it that I don't get involved in any relationships until I graduate. It doesn't matter what people say about my ability to speak Chinese, as long as I know fairly well enough that I can and that I am the decider of the language I choose to utilize in communication.

It doesn't matter that I hate being associated with individuals of a certain excessively populated group I constantly hang out with and not being able to hang out with people I think I can click with. It doesn't matter that once this semester is over, I may almost return to my state of loneliness again because chances are my Honey Boo Boo, Mei Mei and Kennard (no nickname for him) will drift apart from me, just as they did during the summer sem when I had no mutual classes with them. It doesn't matter that my opinions aren't counted for, because apparently everything I say is too complex and nobody wants to talk about the hard stuff so I'll just save them for the future when I get to give my very own TED talk.

It doesn't matter that I'll be stuck here longer than most of my peers, because at least I know what I'm getting myself into and I will be prepared for that life-changing moment when it comes. It doesn't matter that I'm a little slow at getting the things I want, or even need, because I know that life isn't simply about right here and right now - good things will come to us in the right way, at the right time. It doesn't matter that I have to have a little less, because my parents work hard for every single thing that I own right now, including this laptop in which I am constructing this blog post on and the broadband in which my connection to you is being established.

I couldn't be more grateful for having a little less, because it makes me appreciate life more.

I must admit, I was about to burst after all that pressure, and all the stupid questions people imposed upon me. I really didn't need another "Hey, you look tired, go and sleep," or an "Are you okay?" that comes out of obligation and of no concern. I often play it off pretty well when faced with the falsity of expressions, but this week was the final straw. I was just so tired, so tired of all the stupid jokes, of all the subliminal discriminatory antics, of all the unwanted innuendos. I had enough.

But if there's anything I've learned from the past eighteen years of my life where these situations have taken place time and time again, from primary school to high school and even now, in university, it's the fact that I don't need everything to be happy. I only have one decision to make, and it's important that I choose what is right.

And I choose happiness.

Therefore, I also choose sleep. Because I know well enough that I am simply tired, and that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be fine again and all this anger will dissipate into the artificially cooled air I am currently breathing.

Je t'aime. One aunt.

Islands

My creative juices have ceased to flow since I pulled that all-nighter last Saturday at the sleepover and hit the sack at 1AM last night due to my community service project for Sociology. Hence, dear readers, you'll have to wait until I've paid my sleep debts and officially clear that overdraft off my snooze ledger before you expect to see more substantial posts from me.

Until then, here's some hipster music to tune into.

The xx has this astounding propensity to unleash the uncanny sentiments that lie within the fragile recesses of my cerebral sanctuary. I cannot digress.

Anyhow, I've had my fill of intellectual statements for the day, along with plenty of emotional vulnerabilities to complement these sentiments. So sit back and just watch the damn video while attempting to at least appreciate the psychedelic choreography prevalent in it - just so I can be happy.

Just so I can, be.

I don't need your "love"

Sorry Calvin Harris, while you and Ellie Goulding make such a convincing couple on screen, I can't buy that shit. I apologize, bruh.

This may sound peculiar, but at this very moment, I'm contemplating on abstaining from mainstream music for the next few weeks or so. Over the past week, I've been getting extremely annoyed with all the generic tracks I've been hearing either in public places or on the radio due to the fact that they all have one thing in common - they all revolve around the theme, love.

It's easy to say you love someone, without comprehending what you mean when you express it. It's also easy to say that love is a feeling, given that most people connote the word "love" with the emotions one feels in a relationship, particularly romantic ones. On the other hand, the term "love" as defined by mainstream media depicts a state of trance, paradise, solace, a firework of refreshing sensations and ultimately, ecstasy. I don't know about you, but earnestly, I see it everywhere. I find it prominent in movies, in mainstream music videos (and the occasional hipster one as well), in ads and most evidently in books, which is also another reason why I've abstained from sci-fi and fantasy novels for the time being. If you are argue with me on books, kindly desist because the fact that a certain read known as 50 Shades of Grey actually exists nullifies the validity of your argument in the first place.

However, the direction I'm going in isn't a thoroughly loathsome one, where I begin complaining about how inaccurate these definitions of love are. I have no intentions of imposing my two cents on anyone today in this state of mental fatigue, and I have no plans to do so at least for now.

Instead, what I'm merely trying to say is this - I am SICK and TIRED of seeing the notion of LOVE being casually inculcated into every single bloody generic song there is on the face of this earth because nothing else on this earth matters to anyone, other than hitting the club, getting high, making love and going skinny dipping on some fancy beach on an island off the coast of Central America (go ahead, pick one).

Honestly though, I'm just saying.

Therefore, I have concluded that abstinence is the terminal solution to this matter. Until the world (the media, to be precise) stumbles into utter realization that their portrayal of love is completely biased towards secularism and possibly incorrect, I will be forced to turn a deaf ear to a major part of my life which is essentially, music. Sure, I might still be tuned in to Christian rock and other related genres and perhaps some of the obscure bands I currently listen to (given that they write songs about matters not pertaining to romantic inclinations), but that's pretty much just it. I don't think I can live another day with the bombardment of tracks that promote feelings of ecstasy or even creative ideas on how to get even with your ex-boyfriend although it was obviously your fault. I'm quite sure you know who I'm referring to in the latter (Taylor Swift, that's who *coughs*), but hey, we all have those moments. At least, we girls do. Sometimes. Okay, maybe a couple more than that, but I digress.

Furthermore, I refuse to allow myself to slip into misery once more. While music may not impact other individuals directly, it affects me profoundly. There was a point in my life where I was addicted to music - it was the main outlet of ridding myself of frustration, albeit a temporary one. I used to drown myself in tracks of teenage angst after a devastating emotional ordeal in order to stray away from reality or simply to reinforce the practice of self-pity. After all, being able to relate to a song slowly renders you in animosity towards others, thinking them all predator to a fragile soul when in truth, they are all oblivious to your sorrows. Recently, this phenomenon has somewhat returned due to emotional vulnerabilities and I have to admit, I've been listening to music for hours on end as a form of withdrawal and it's certainly not healthy. My attention deficit has skyrocketed in the past few days and I have been too phlegmatic in the past few days to do any actual studying. In fact, I have a mass communications test tomorrow and yet, here I am, ostensibly dealing with my psyche, even after attempting catharsis by watching clips from The Breakfast Club and listening to Don't You Forget About Me for the umpteenth time.

Oh, how I amuse myself sometimes (literally).

I believe this is the moment I make my escape from the world of psychedelia and return to the unappealing and afflicting realm of reality. In accordance to the statement, my best friend says I am such a pessimist pertaining life. I argued by stating the age old deduction that for a pessimist, I am pretty optimistic, but all in all I can only say that time will tell and as of now, life appears darker and more sinister than ever.

But it has been a pleasure. Really.

Nuggets : Dance Floor Anthem

I know my post title does not correlate with the subject matter but heck, it's been 6 years since I last listened to Good Charlotte and I'm too bewildered right now to actually mind what anyone says about me and my life anyway. And yes, I do realize whatever I just said is totally defeatist of its intended purpose for obvious reasons; nevertheless, I digress.

Anyways, here is a list of some pretty kick ass things that occurred today :

1. I received a perfect ten (yet again) for my essay. Except that it was really a poem and not an essay, and it was a reflective one. My lecturer kinda just said heck, write whatever you want as long as it's about crime so I went ahead and allowed my inner penitentiary warden/philosophe take over. Anyway, she complimented me on my poem and asked me if I ever considered taking up creative writing which of course I resounded with a duh before carefully pointing out that creative writing classes would clash with my Chemistry lab sessions next semester while upholding a composed demeanor, given that I was squealing with joy innately.

If only ENG101 actually was actually transferable and accounted for something. But alas, the odds are not in my favour. Which brings me to my next point.

2. The teaser for Catching Fire is finally out! While there is still no sign of Finnick Odair or Johanna Mason, there are waaaaaaaaay too many scenes of Katniss, Peeta and the chaos that unfolds in Panem instead of the scenes of the arena. I'm only hoping that this sequel will prove to be worthy in terms of cinematography because the last one was extremely unstable and shaky that I felt nauseous throughout the entire film.

There's this thing - it's called four points of stabilization. Newbies, ugh.

Also, the fact that the entire movie relied on one's initiative in reading the actual book to fathom what the characters were thinking in crucial scenes pretty much spoiled it for non-Hunger Games addicts while the fighting scenes were a total nuisance for those who knew what was coming. You couldn't even see what was going on when the contestants were involved in a brawl with the mutts. Heh. Anyhow, despite my prior disappointment with the first Hunger Games movie, I'm genuinely looking forward to this one and I just hope it will tie in appropriately, if not accurately with the actual plot.

3. I bumped into Men Yee in the bus today. It was pretty awkward though, since all I really wanted to do was just zonk out on the seat until I arrived home although I had a friend whom I have not spoken to in months next to me. But yeah, it was nice bumping into her again, although I do have to say I miss the outgoing, hilarious Men Yee from high school who was unlike the lethargic, awkward girl who sat next to me in the bus.

4. I got to be the REAL me today - no insecurities, no pretenses. And for that, I am happy :)

That is all. Ciao!

Good, better, best

Before I begin, I feel that there is a need to apologize to my invisible/future readers for the lack of updates in the past few days. I am truly sorry for failing to post consistently of my daily undertakings for I have been pretty taken aback by the amount of sugar and lemons life has been throwing at me that I deemed it necessary to take a break and succumb to some lemonade. Anyhow, I will do my best to compensate in this post everything that I have failed to take account of in the past few days.

So, what have I been doing in the past 6 days that has put me off writing?

It's simple - MORE WRITING. A few days ago, I managed to coin and put together a short story out of nothing and I must say that I am pretty happy with the outcome. I wanted to write something inclined towards science fiction, but I ended up crafting a short laced with psychology as well and I used two different POVs - first person and third person omniscient. Honestly, when I first started out writing the short, I didn't think I was ever going to complete it at all since all the shorts I have written in the past have never been finished, so I'm quite proud of myself to have actually put in effort and pulled this off.

I really wanted a fruitful exercise that could help me apply and translate all that I've learned in the past two months of delving into countless science fiction works and literature and I decided writing my own original short would prove the success of my literary undertakings. So I spent about 3 to 4 days crafting the plot, writing and proofreading the entire document until I was satisfied with my work. I have to say though, that the uncanny and yet fascinating fact about the plot was that I actually pieced together notions I acquired in the shower, while jogging around the neighborhood and while listening to loops of The Temper Trap remixes in order to come up with something substantial to be written as a short.

It's still puzzles me how the strangest and most ingenious of ideas come from the most unexpected places, but hey, I'm not complaining.

So to compensate for my absence, I have provided you with the liberty to read the short story on Google Docs under the link below. I would love to hear some feedback, both positive and negative. So far I've been receiving good views of this piece, but I'm pretty sure I still have a lot to work on since I'm still an amateur at it. So please by all means, do offer any form of constructive criticism while remaining tact simultaneously. Thanks in advance :)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12Lk8Zj6AS2DrA7gaGzhYyzOg3SGPwe0cC8hmmKH85GQ/edit

Other than writing, I've been rushing to complete a number of things I have set my mind to do before college begins. Since I can't remember the exact sequence of events, I'll be including a few photos to help convey the occurrences that have made my past week (and earlier) memorable.

11 January 2013

Yes, my interview with Dia Frampton! While I didn't get a chance to attend her live showcase, getting an opportunity to see her up, close and personal was already such a blessing. Never had I thought I would have a chance to do some real journalistic work, and yet there I was in that room in Universal Music Malaysia speaking to her in person via interview!

I've always loved Dia's music since her music is inclined towards indie and alternative music, but being able to discover the individual behind the voice I've been listening to musically on iTunes was a different experience altogether. Dia's really sweet and friendly in real life and she sounds just as mesmerizing in speech just as she is in song. I'm really glad that I had the chance to meet her and I really thank God for answering my prayers :)

12 January 2013

I cooked a complete dinner for my family for the first time last Saturday. I know the photos don't look appealing but I assure you it is merely a photographic injustice to the real thing. And mind you, I'm not a culinary art graduate, so I know nothing about presentation. I made aglio olio e pepperoncino with bacon bits, sauteed mushrooms and minestrone soup. I plan to cook an Asian dinner the next time, if I find time to do so. But overall, this was a success flavor-wise.

15 January 2013

Thanks to my sister, my mum sponsored me a one day pass to go watch the Golden Disk Awards on the 15th! I may not be a hardcore K-pop fan, but the prospect was enough to get my inner fan girl squealing with excitement. I had the chance to watch some great acts such as Super Junior, Infinite, SHINee, KARA, 4minute, Teen Top, B2ST and more perform live. It was like watching Music Bank on KBS, except in real life albeit a lot further than I had expected. But hey, I got to watch them live and managed to grab some pretty cool merchandise as well!

16 January 2013

My third driving lesson commenced on the 16th. While it was probably one of the most strenuous and taxing lesson I've had by far, I'm quite glad I now have better control over my steering and can change gears much smoother now. I have to stop myself from being too absent minded though, because I have this overwhelming propensity to get distracted when I'm driving. But overall, it was a good lesson and I managed to uh, "bond" with my instructor. Sort of, anyway. No photos for this for obvious reasons.

18 January 2013

So I tried making macarons after doing a little research and pre-baking troubleshooting, but as you can see from the photo above, they obviously failed. The macarons were meant for the people in cell but since they failed, I couldn't very well bring them there. Fortunately someone else brought creme brulee so I didn't feel too guilty.

The photo above was an Instagram taken by my friend whom I gave some of the macarons to, since he said he didn't care much for presentation. So I offered some to him and I believe his exactly words were "They taste heavenly!". Honestly, I think that's a really exaggerated fact, but oh well, no one's complaining, so I shouldn't bother :P I plan to try a different recipe though when I make it the next time so I do hope that will become a successful venture.

19 January 2013

Right, another Instagram photo. I stole this from Kah Wern's Instagram. Meh.

Anyway, my first laser tag game at Galactic Laser in Mid Valley! It was a pretty awesome experience albeit a short one. I really had a lot of fun and very fortunately, I did not come last and got the lowest percentage of hits throughout the game. One thing's certain - I'm definitely going back for more!

After we were done with laser tag, I had to head back to church for worship practice. I honestly have to say that for the first worship practice of the year, it was a really good one. There was definitely more emphasis on the spiritual aspects of worship rather than the technical stuff. It was really refreshing to see some change in the way worship is being handled and I am definitely looking forward to work towards improving my worship life as well as to practice harder and experiment with more complex chords and melodies.

This year is not a year for backing down and giving up - it's a year of growth, realignment and reassignment.

So yeah, that's pretty much it for my week. I've decided not to discuss the misfortunes because honestly, I've decided that it's just unnecessary to recall all the bad things that have happened in the course of my life. It seems really tangible now, but I know that in time, I probably won't be as emotional as I am now.

On a lighter note, college starts tomorrow! I'm not sure what to expect, but I am pretty psyched about being able to take a plunge into a new environment.

Alright, I'm out.

Diptych galore

Bubble blast

Nightlight

Night market

F&B

Ghostfingers

My first experiment with diptychs. I first came across this term in the Canon PhotoYou magazine (Spring 2012) which means a subtle pairing of two photographs either side by side or one above the other with a specific relationship between them. I've paired photos side by side before this but it's usually to save space.

Reading about diptychs has inspired me to start going through some old photographs I've taken in the past and pair them side by side, not to save space but to share my story. Recently, I've been observing an increasing number of people posting ordinary photos complemented by a bunch of crap on the description and they get more than 50 likes. I honestly don't see the point of that since people can post one thing and say another, although I do admit I was once part of such mainstream activity. Hence, I've decided to let my pictures do the talking and it's up to anyone to interpret what story I'm telling.

After all, they do say that a picture is worth a thousand words.

____________________________________

On a personal note, the mid terms are over and I am now on a term break. I'm rather relieved that a part of it is over but somehow I don't anticipate much from the next two weeks. Sure, there is more work and studying to be done, plus extra classes for tuition and what not, but I have no other form of amusement other than this blog, Facebook and catching up on Downton Abbey (FINALLY!). Sigh.. First world problems.

Moreover, I'm disappointed at the fact that I have not been accepted for the interview in AFS. So it looks as if I won't be able to go to the U.S. next year. It feels as if I've lost even before I've put up a fight. They've never met me in person after all and now that I didn't get the interview, all hopes of going abroad next year are gone.

I have to admit though, one of the reasons why I wanted to go abroad next year so badly was because I don't want to go back to my hometown during Chinese New Year next year. I'm extremely sick and tired of going back to a house where barely any of my relatives ever step foot in, watching lion dance performances which reverberate silently in the soul despite the headbanging, cymbal clashing noise of the drums and being criticized and commented on regarding my appearance. I've been playing the good daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and what not for such a long time that I'm starting to feel unappreciated and under pressure.

So now my only hope is National Service. If I get into the first batch of 2013, that is. Most people complain about NS and vow they would defer no matter what happens but I don't think it's that horrible of a programme to attend. I've heard good reviews regarding the programme from most of my friends who have gone for NS and only a few mediocre remarks about the programme. However, since most of them are in the first or second batch, I guess they are well fed and taken care of. So I guess it's good, as long as you're not in the last batch.

I guess that sums up my blog post for today. Diptychs, mid terms and my rejected student exchange application. I honestly don't know whether it's a good or bad thing anymore, and I'm not interested in finding out.

But one thing's for sure - when God closes one door, HE OPENS ANOTHER.

And I shall patiently wait and observe for the next opportunity, hoping that it does not slip away again :)