Freedom is elusive

There are times where I am tempted to give up on this faith, and succumb to temptation once and for all. "This is too difficult," I reason. "I am not improving anyway. I might as well be free."

But selling out on Christ does not mean freedom. It means chains - a mere transfer of bondage to righteousness, to sin.

And it doesn't stop there. The more we feed ourselves, our own selfish desires - the worse we become. One day it will all culminate into this utter monstrosity, and at that point there will be no return.

And while such burn in hell, they are not to be pitied - in affliction, they will curse God.

I am grateful for the hope that is in Christ; for I have been grafted into God's family by grace through faith - I, a wretched sinner.

Break it off 2.0

You gotta nip idolatry in the bud.

Humans were not simply made to worship, and at some point, they either worship God or themselves.

Human were born worshipping, and when they are not worshipping God, they are worshipping themselves.

There is simply no point of neutrality where we can say we have yet to make that choice. If you aren't filled with the Holy Spirit, you are not empty - you are bound to unrighteousness, you are a slave to sin and you pledge allegiance to Satan, and not God.

This is something I constantly need to remember, to be careful about by being accountable to people and fleeing from temptation, by choosing not to put myself in situations where our morals will be compromised.

We are not stronger than we think. We cannot be so arrogant as to say we have it down and we ain't need no help. We're just wretched sinners rescued by a gracious God - a God who's not one to stick a band aid at some trivial wound, but a God who brings forth life from dead bones.

And if our God can do so much as to be both just and the justifier of us who have transgressed against Him through the gift and work of Christ, how can we still live not in accordance to that truth, that reality that should permeate our every thought, our every being?

This was a real wake up call.

Complacency. I self-handicap for the things I don't know to do, but once I get the hang of it, I take credit for what is done on account of God's mercy. And then I get comfortable, thinking I got this, I can make it, I don't need no education from on high, when I'm seriously setting myself up for stupidity and failure.

And then I fall. I beat myself up, I blame myself, I wonder why I don't ever learn.

And Christ calls me and reminds me whom I serve, and in whom my satisfaction is. It should be Him, except it's not, and so we gotta call out to Him again and trust in His word and His promises.

I feel, felt, like a failure. I made promises I couldn't keep. I trusted in myself, in my emotions, not in my thoughts, not in the Word, and not with discernment through the Holy Spirit - only myself. And I've dished out heartbreak because of my insolence, because I don't put my king first, because I worshipped creation instead of the creator.

I preferred the high that comes from man's empty praise, than His Highness.

Oh wretched man I am, whom will save me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God for Christ Jesus.

And so I turn around, don't look back, keep my eyes on the Cross and move on.

I am grateful. Grateful for family, who can knock sense into me by God's grace. Grateful for friends who rebuke me as they should and speak the truth at the risk of rejection, knowing that God above man is the prime principle. Grateful that the Holy Spirit hasn't failed, that God keeps His promises and continues to convict me of sin and lead me to the path of sanctification that succeeds regeneration.

After all, the mark of a Christian is not sinning less; but repenting more.

Wretched man I am

It's uncanny how in one second I could totally alright, knowing full well the facts laid out from the gospel, that I am saved not by my own works but by God's work through Christ, knowing that nothing can come into fruition apart from the Father's will, and YET, still fail to trust Him and believe in that truth.

It stings to know that anything good can so easily become idolatry, that sin is constantly crouching at our door, and many a time we let it slip past us and get inside our little heads and all of a sudden we're thrust on the ground yet again, despite having been preached to about the truth.

I can totally see why Paul said, "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" After all, "For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."

But hey, the great news proceeds from there. "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Yet again I'm proven wrong and shown how wretched I truly am, but still under the grace of God.

Seriously though, how is this even possible? Why would God go through all that trouble and total His perfect unity for a bit just so He could pay the very debt we owe Him, Himself? It would be possible to just hit game over and restart everything, but He doesn't. God lets his righteousness be shown by means of grace, and takes it upon Himself to do this for us. The very act of sending Christ to us is His display of love. That's insane.

Seriously, how is there still other ways to live apart from in reverence and submission to His Lordship? Yet God comprehends what I cannot.

And it's insane that I can see that, I can know that, and yet, I often find myself having unbelief.

Yet praise be to God, because even in my wretchedness He is seen faithful and righteous. That He draws people unto Himself and man, does that glorify Himself.

Christianity is crazy stuff man. We got some kickass Creator guys, whether ya'll acknowledge Him or not.

Video update: Church

I don't think I've specifically updated anyone on here about my churching issues, but hey, this should probably answer some of those questions. Here I talk about what I learned from church and what my church is like.

I decided on a video format because honestly it takes lesser time to talk (although yes that's half an hour) but my dear, I spend hours on end crafting a written post, so this would've been the faster alternative.

I hope this answers some questions, and yeah, feel free to PM me if there's anything I need to clarify or expound further on. Let me know how I can pray for you guys as well, yeah?

Peace out.

What am I doing here?

The same question permeated my mind, yet again.

"What am I doing here?"

In 2012, I made the decision to pursue my education in the U.S. After my SPM trials, I signed up for ADP with my SPM forecast results, with a plan to do my first two years here and finish up the remaining two years abroad.

Once out of the penitentiary they called high school, I was on fire. The sparks of dissension that I'd kept inside for eleven years in conformity to the education system had been fan into flames, and I was convinced it could not be put out. Having been told by countless teachers that psychology was a degree attained in vain, with no credible prospects, I was determined to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I was the real deal, that I was truly passionate about psychology and all those other numbskulls just weren't doing it right and in not doing so, were tarnishing the name of those who actually took the profession seriously.

And so I had college all planned out - get into a good undergraduate psychology program in an accredited university and graduate with highest honors, use those credentials for a good clinical psychology program in graduate school and graduate with a Masters, and then perhaps do a PhD. And once I was done with school, I'd come home and save Malaysia from moral decay, with whatever that I'd learned. I had plans, and I was convinced they'd come to fruition.

But it is God who directs our steps.

"What am I doing here?"

A day ago, I was walking back to the apartment with some of the international students, who were having a conversation about careers. Somehow during the conversation, one of the guys mentioned that the corporate world was a bitter place. Having sentiments of my own regarding the prospect, naturally, I spoke.

"This is why I don't want to work in the corporate world. I'd rather just be a part of clergy. Well, that's not that easy either, but at least I'm doing the work of the kingdom. I really don't know what I'm doing here. I should be in a seminary studying theology."

I couldn't be gladder for the silence that ensued and the fork that split our paths. I bid the guys farewell and took off.

This was not, the first instance, that I'd uttered something like that amongst the crowd I was with.

Over the course of three months back in Malaysia, the mystery of the gospel was revealed to me. Yet, God's plan of redemption did not begin so recently. I had already spent a year of struggling with church and my discovery of the God of the Bible through Christian Fellowship. I spent five months taking New Testament Survey, and learned to see the significance of Jesus in a way I never had before. And when I returned home over the summer, I was able to plug back into CF and study Colossians, and attend a different church, where gradually, the gospel began to unfold and the picture became clear to me. When I understood the sovereignty of God in His saving work, and the greater picture of God's plan of reconciliation, Scripture began to make sense. When I saw the sufficiency of the work of the incarnate word and the inscripturated word, I realized I had lived a life of pride and self-righteousness - of rebellion. Repentance was in order, and I was renewed. And yet, I am continually being renewed.

I had tasted the goodness of the Lord. I couldn't imagine going back to a life lived out of selfish ambition, no matter how inclined I was to succumb to it.

On one hand, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could see the power of the Cross, and trust in God's sanctifying work in my life. On the other, I was perturbed. I had made many decisions out of selfish ambition, and well, the costly dream of studying in the U.S. was one of them. While my heart may have changed, I still had to face the consequences of my decision. At this point, I wanted so badly to remain in Malaysia and devote the rest of my life towards ministry, because there was a lot of work in preaching the gospel that had to be done at home. But I could not bring myself to do it, because while I could disregard the pains I had taken to be halfway across the world, I could not dismiss my parents' sacrifices. They'd paid so much to have me here. They'd worked so hard, even when they didn't have to, just so I could achieve this, well, dream. I needed to take responsibility for my actions, because I needed to honor God by honoring my parents too. It seemed like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

For a while I felt like I was living with the consequences of my actions, that this was second best, since I'd chosen self over God prior to this. I wondered to myself why I'd discovered the gospel at such a time as this, where it seemed to be a crucial transition point in my life. I wasn't ending something or beginning something new. I am halfway through college, and there are expectations I need to live up to. I couldn't very well choose to drop out of college, not after I'd convinced my entire family that I was certain of my orientation in life.

"What am I doing here?"

I realize it is truly by the grace of God that I am here. Today, I am reminded that the sovereign Lord has known this and let this occur for a reason. And because He is sovereign, He is using my mistakes, the steps I take, to work out His plan, for His glory. That's truly something to be thankful for.

I had social psychology class this morning. We were learning about the self, and at this point my professor was holding a discussion about self-esteem. He was using the example of a speaker at convocation, who was going on and on about how God needs "you" and wants "you" to be lifted up as a person for His glory. While he didn't believe that it was completely untrue that God does use people for His glory, my professor was rather disturbed that there was so much emphasis on God needing us, rather than us needing Him. Such language promoted the elevation of the self, rather than God, and exposed the true state of Christianity in the hearts and minds of the American people. They'd wanted God, church and morale, and yet they'd wanted individualism, capitalism and right to bear arms. But they couldn't have both, and well, my professor just put it out there plainly.

However, while he'd said that, he also said that "I don't agree with preaching that completely elevates the self, and neither do I agree with preaching that considers us rubbish, or the scum of the earth." I saw his point, but I couldn't really agree with that. So I timidly raised up my hand.

"We are rubbish. We are scum. But the thing is, we are saved by grace. We are nothing, but God's grace on us changes that - it gives us hope. So I don't think it's completely right to say we're not rubbish because we are, but the point is not that it leads to hopeless despair. It's the understanding that God has redeemed us and therefore we live a life of humility and hope, knowing it is His grace that gets us through."

And when he asked about our perception of self-esteem, yet again I gave input. A girl before me had explained that it is good to have some amount of self-esteem, with the story of how she was raised in a Christian family that taught her that no one was any entitled or special, that all were saved by grace and, but that because of that same grace also, we were able to do whatever we had to do. I agreed with that, but I wouldn't have called it self-esteem, I opined. As Christians, if we truly live by the grace of God, we wouldn't be surviving on account of confidence in ourselves, but confidence in God.

It was probably a radical thing to say, because at the end of class, a girl came up to me and introduced herself. She was thankful that I'd been bold enough to speak up for what I believed in, and saw that even in a psychology class that God was present and sovereign. I thanked her for telling me that, and yes, I spent the entire day pondering.

So why is this important?

While I was back in Malaysia, there was a point where I contemplated aborting operation and just remaining home, because I had heard from my peers the stories of their comrades aborting their mission by being abroad. They've had friends who went to the U.S., who were extremely convinced that missions could take place abroad, only to realize that Americans are a difficult bunch to evangelize to. Some realized the futility of the endeavor, while others were sucked into the cycle of complacency, that remains to many Christian college students, a constant threat.

On one hand, I was afraid. Would I get sucked in too? On the other hand, I was bent on staying hardcore - I'd stay connected with people back home as fervently as I could, I'd find a good Reformed church here and find community to be accountable with and I'd build relationships with people who I know could be a potential disciple, and help them learn the bible. Having chosen to continue here, I had to go with the latter. I was going to persevere, and I wasn't going to let those "liberal Americans" get to me.

With that mindset, I had painted a bleak picture for myself. I convinced myself that Americans were all alike - that none of them were real Christians to begin with (ugh, liberals lol). I reasoned that the local church was horrifying in their theology and doctrine, and were hopeless. I thought of life here as a bad dream, all while waiting to graduate and be completely free to partake of the obedience of faith for the rest of my life. Like yes lah, right, follow Jesus for the rest of my life, onz wehh. All this other stuff rubbish weh. But until then, I'm going to have to keep fighting for the Truth and remain hostile to sin.

The past week saw me slip up, by forgetting God's sovereignty in my life and ceasing to trust Him to be faithful even when I was not. But today reminded me God is in fact in control, even if I forget that He is. I'd skipped the possibility that God has His chosen people here in America too, and I'd ceased to give them the benefit of the doubt. I thought capitalism and individuality had swallowed everyone (lol). I assumed all people think church is just about being good, and they know nothing else, and well, that was "common sense".Guess I was wrong, and well, I was glad to be, this time.

I can be so stupid. But praise God that He knows what He's doing at all times and is merciful upon a feeble human being like me!

It's not going to get easier from this point on. It's the second week of class and I'm already finding myself having to live up to the faith that I profess with my mouth and have tattooed on my heart. I realize I need to be discerning in my speech, so that all things may be done for His glory. Yet, I know that there are some things that just need to be said, and they typically will be offensive and controversial, because the word of God is alive and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, cutting through the soul and spirit, joint and marrow. But this is how we work out our salvation and preach the gospel, be it in class or on the pulpit.

"What am I doing here?"

I think I'm beginning to have a sense of what it means to be Christian now. It's some badass shit. And you never know what'll happen to you in America. I could get gunned down for offending someone (thank you Texas).

But no matter how pee-in-my-pantsy-feely I get, I'm just gonna have to trust God and continue to preach Christ crucified.

The truth

I've noticed that whenever any Christian tries to raise the topic of sin, judgment and the wrath of God, other Christians tend to shut those queries down with something along the lines of "That's very discouraging, you'll hurt their self confidence."

But what if self-esteem isn't Christian? After all, we are hopeless, horrifying, crappy little beings who went against a holy God, and we so well deserve His wrath. It is only by the Cross that we have any cause to rejoice, because it is by Christ's propitiation that we are counted as righteous, even though we clearly aren't. If anything, we don't count on ourselves as worthy. Rather, our confidence is in Christ, who made us count as saints even while we are sinners.

When we talk about sin, we usually address it as just some bad things we need to NOT do, and people who aren't Christian will do those things. But that's not a full picture of what sin is. We cannot reduce the magnitude of sin by transforming it's meaning from lawlessness/rebellion against God to simply moral wrongs. By doing that, we undermine the grace and mercy of God through the Cross and easily determine ourselves to be our own Savior, thinking we have authority and control over our lives. But we don't. Sinners are attracted to sin, we don't do the good we are called to do.

However, as Christians, people of God, we have accepted Christ in faith and have the Holy Spirit within us. We become renewed beings, dead to our old selves and made new by the work of the Spirit. Now belonging to Christ, we are transformed. We don't learn to leave behind our old ways, therefore creating a schism between the supposedly holier than thou preacher and a new believer, we simply leave it behind because we fathom what weight the Cross carries and we pledge our allegiance to Christ. In other words, we become a Christian.

Yes, we still are inclined to fall. We live in very interesting times, where Christ has come and is still to come, between creation and the new creation. But no matter how many times we fall, we know that Christ has paid the price of sin for all time, therefore imputing His righteousness to us. We struggle with sin and are enabled to repent and return to the Cross, counting on God's faithfulness and grace to be our source of sanctification. And we trust that the Lord will complete the work that began in us.

We need to paint the full picture of the gospel. It's not one that leaves us happy and comfortable with our lives, but one that compells us to live in submission to His will which is in accordance to His word. There's no way we can take the "not so desirable parts" out and still preach a true gospel. We would only be so naive to think that. Yet if you think about it, this truth offers us immense comfort. This offensive and radical gospel takes the weight off our shoulders and grants us confidence not in ourselves, but in God. He chose us from the very beginning - not because we are somehow righteous or good (which clearly we're not at all), but because it is for His glory, through His love. He knew we would never be able to acquire it by merit, through the law, so Christ and the Cross was the answer.

This has been as far as I've understood the gospel in the past couple of months. If, however, there has been a mistake or a need to clarify something, please by all means, message me. In the past few months I've met so many people who have been struggling like me with what the gospel really is, as a result of a lack of/complete absence of biblical theology and doctrine education within the church. We don't know what the Bible says, we only know what we think it says. We talk about a loving God, but we don't define what love is biblically. We are unsure of Christ's role in Christianity, and that's grave because everything in the old and new covenants points back to Him. We have confined the Holy Spirit to the supposed displays of power via the supernatural that we forget the Holy Spirit lives within us when we have faith in Christ. We have prioritized social justice to the extent that we forget that evangelism is not merely the doing of good works but the preaching of the gospel where it is unheard.

So how can we blame others who see us Christians as hypocritical? And why are we surprised when we have to suffer for doing what is right, in submission to His will, for His glory? Christianity is countercultural and no amount of frills/hipsterity will ever change that.

If we know the gospel and understand what it is, we see that we only ever had two choices to begin with: 1) To submit our lives under the lordship of Christ, or 2) to continue rebelling against Him.

That's as raw as it gets.

New eyes

It's not going to be easy.

Things have changed in the last five months. Being away from home and learning in a new environment has altered my perspective in many ways. It's true indefinitely with regards to how I see the world, but more importantly, it has prepared me to see what the reality of a life in Christ is like - and pursue it.

1. Attending a Southern Baptist church

While I still can't say I'll continue to attend this church for the next two years of college, I do acknowledge that the church I've been going to in Texas is good and I'm willing to give the community a shot, as well as plant myself there and hopefully, make some disciples! I've been to several churches, but I do believe that this church is the most balanced out of them all.

The teachings are biblically sound (that's really most important) and are always juxtaposed with the current times to edify the congregation. Sunday school is for all ages, meaning that we all get to learn about the Bible and life through the word of God. There are some things that I still need to get used to, like the repetitive songs sung during worship and the structure of the service, but really, I know what the priorities of a believer should be in church and I think this church meets the mark for it.

It's not perfect and to be fair, I could use a hand in getting connected with the community, but I think if I just give it some time and make it a point to attend life group, it'll work out. It is by His grace and not my own strength after all that I live by and He holds everything in His hands.

2. Studying the New Testament academically

This was truly the highlight of my semester - just being able to spend 3 hours each week learning about the texts within the New Testament and on how to read it. For most evangelicals, or at least Southern Baptists, studying the bible is an integral part of following Christ. Throughout my course, I learned that to read and study the Bible correctly meant to engage in exegesis. Exegesis, which derived from Greek means "to lead out", is a critical explanation or interpretation of a religious text. We read the text, derive meaning from the text and learn from it.

I learned many things among which are (1) to take the whole text seriously and not just isolated parts, (2) to understand the historical context in order to fathom what the text is saying and how it should be interpreted and (3) to take the theology seriously, by observing the claims the author makes about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit within the text. I also learned about how the New Testament was developed, which ties in with how the entire Bible (both Old and New) became what it is today. While it's sounds and is a lot more complicated than we imagine, learning these things made me realize that Christianity is centered around Jesus and the gospels more than I thought.

Also, it really is humbling when you realize that the pictures of Jesus offered in the four gospels provide a broader perspective on Jesus than we tend to see; but at the same time, that this is but a glimpse of him - and we won't truly know until we enter heaven and know Christ for who he truly is.

Yet, knowing these truths was a weighty thing. When I realized that the exegetical approach was the right way to read scripture and NOT eisegesis, which means to "import" or "draw in" one's own purely subjective interpretations into the text, which are unsupported by the text itself (Wikipedia), it changed how I saw sermons. In other words, knowing the Bible is not about enthusiastically reciting a bunch of famous bible verses or quotes, or even copying a bunch of bible verses that were clearly Googled online and pasting them onto parts of the sermon where they "appeared" to make sense or prove a personal (and probably not godly) point. It is about learning from the text, which God had inspired people to write, in order that we are a church are guided and edified so we may glorify God and not ourselves.

And this is why I say, it's not going to be easy.

What I was taught about Christ and Christianity through the church I attended and these academic bible studies really drove home the point that Christ is revealed through the Bible. This really varies from how things are in my home church where the emphasis was on "spiritual experiences" and musical worship. Oh and um, spiritual gifts? Glossolalia, that's what (that's speaking in tongues, if you haven't figured that out yet). What we address as teachings of the Bible are basically sermons that were basically held as authoritative and from God simply because there were a bunch of scriptures placed here and there. Whenever I questioned the understanding of these verses and asked about the context, the replies always went along the lines of "It's guidance from the Holy Spirit" or "It's all about the heart." And yet, they dare say, "The heart is deceitful." And our youth pastor is pretty much left unchallenged through the exertion of supposed God-sanctioned superiority - not because what He said was actually were biblical.

I attended church for the first time since I returned to Malaysia last Sunday. A youth leader I was well acquainted with shared on forgiveness. Although I could see the direction he was going in and the points he was trying to make, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this "sermon" was allowed to be preached. He basically placed a bunch of anecdotes about forgiveness as his points, and then employed the Bible as a trump card to nail those points down. Surely enough, the verse about the 77 times we are supposed to forgive came up (Matt. 18:21-35), and some references about the sermon on the mount.

But that isn't taking the Bible seriously. Where is the part where Jesus talks about dealing with a brother or sister who sins by rebuking them privately and if they do not listen by addressing it with other siblings in Christ or further, even with the church (Matt. 18:15-17)? Why is there no addressing of this part of the text? And also, regarding verse 19 - where if two on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by the Father in heaven, or where the two or three gather, there Jesus is with them - it is to be taken with the context of addressing sin amongst Christian brethren. This is probably one of the most misquoted verses, but exists within the context. When Peter asks about how many times he must forgive, it ties in with the previous parts of the passage. We need to see it in its context.

Furthermore, forgiveness is not just about us. Many of the points the leader made related to how unforgiveness hurts us, and others. It was emphasized on people. But in the end, everything that is preached needs to tie in with what God made Christ do for us undeserving people. Even that in itself is another great and grand story of its own that carries weight and can only be expounded by the Bible, when studied properly.

So in the end, when we were told to give him a hand, I couldn't. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't lie any longer.

I know that there is a lack of manpower in terms of equipping the youth with biblical teachings and sound doctrine. But that doesn't mean we should proceed without a care. I've mentioned countless times to a close youth leader friend of mine about the importance of scripture, but many times I was simply dismissed as a Zealot, to say the least.

But the issue exists. And something ought to be done.

It's not going to be easy. Firstly, I know I don't have the power to change the world. And it's not about me at the end of the day. It's about what glorifies God. And taking His word for granted and misusing it DOES NOT glorify Him AT ALL. Secondly, its going to be difficult to talk about these things, and I am aware of the notion that I will be ostracized for speaking the truth. People won't see me as the same before, because I disagree. I may lose friends over this, friends I've always thought I spent so much time building relationships with, when in reality, I don't even know, truly. It's going to be difficult, because all this while I've valued so much the acceptance of people that I have forgotten to speak the truth, to be honest. I have made the people at church an idol. I have made church an idol. And now I am learning to be real, and I am aware that I risk not being liked.

But that is nothing to me anymore, if it means the pursuit of Christ.

So I will share. I will talk about these things openly, and with tact. I will allow the Holy Spirit to be the advocate Christ promised us, and pray that he will speak and minister to all of us. Yet, I am not passive. I will continue to stand up for Him through the advocacy of His word to others. I will continue to hold myself accountable to siblings in Christ I can trust, and learn as much as I can. I will continue to devote everything to ensure that it is for His glory, and remember who I am in Him.

So it won't be easy. But it's worth a chance, for a God who gave us undeserving people a chance through His one and only son, despite our own folly.

This whole grace stuff is insane.

Living on prayer (NOT a post about the Bon Jovi track)

While I was writing about my mum in my gender psych journal regarding the gender differences in religion, I provided some examples about how my mum exercises her spirituality (technical terms lah - I would've prefered to call it faith heh). One of the things she's always tried, and often failed with, is having family prayer, by getting all of us to come together and just spend time with the Lord as family. I thought about how that really used to annoy not just me, but my dad and my sister, because it was so awkward.

"And besides," I thought. "Even the pastor's son doesn't do family devotion or prayer, why are we so special then? Awkward lah."

Back home, the more it seemed my mum kept urging us to pray together, the worse we would feel about the whole thing. Sometimes it even felt like a threat, like if I didn't give in to her demands, I'd lose my salvation, because honor them 'rents, duh. Yet, it never did work out, because it was pretty inconsistent and well, there seemed to be no firm basis upon why this whole "pray as a family" thing would work out, apart from the fact that "Because pastor said so" or "Because these preachers that came to church and talked about the same thing in different ways said so."

But today I realized something.

My mother had the discipline to pray, and she tried to instill that in us - in me. Yet, not only did I politely retaliate, I eventually managed to convince myself that prayer could happen anytime and making it a routine would put God in a box. I would pray when I felt like it, or when I had time, but even when I did have time, I somehow managed to put it off until life throws a bunch of lemons - spoiled ones, even.

But the problem wasn't my mum's insistence on family prayer, or the pastor's son's sentiments about praying. It wasn't about what the pastor or other preachers said.

And it wasn't about routine being the thing that ruins prayer.

The problem was simply just the fact that I didn't pray, and I needed to. And when I look back at the past few months, I've realized that I haven't actually been praying.

I know of instances where I've prayed here, but the urgency of prayer has diminished. Prayer has downgraded from being a necessity, into just a possibility. I found reasons to excuse myself from prayer, and I felt okay about it. I rationalized that my roommate was around, or that I had spent too much time working on that assignment that I'm too tired and will pray tomorrow that I just end up not praying.

And I still have the non-existent balls to actually be OKAY with that. Regardless of whatever struggles I have with church doctrines and theological differences, I knew upon the pressing of the Holy Spirit, that something is wrong, because this fundamental way of connecting with God that all churches are largely in agreement of is something I just no longer seek.

What happened to my desire for communion with God? What happened to commitment, and my fire to God? Have I allowed myself to be complacent just because I study in a Christian university, have to read the New Testament academically and talk to people about God anyway? Have I allowed the hurts that I've had back home and the disagreements of days past prevent me from seeking God's counsel in earnestness?

So I've found that without my mum's constant urge to pray, I have slowly opted out of it. Without a sense of discipline, I have landed myself in compromise. When I dismissed my mum's call to pray, I inevitably dismissed a whole four months of evoking that discipline to pray.

Yet, God is faithful to remind me.

I shall end this with a prayer to you, whoever you are, or whoever I think you are.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the readers of my blog - the few and rare people I've allowed to read the penning of my thoughts. I thank you Lord that you've revealed to me just what a blessing it is to know them and have them as people I know I can trust, and I know they are a blessing to others. Help me to be faithful to them and keep on praying for them, even as I'm here in Texas. I ask that you be with them and guide them just as you led your people in the Old and New Covenant, in today's post-modernist, health goth-loving, estranged-from-you society.

I pray that you reveal yourself through their works and their life, and in every circumstance provide them with sufficient grace, mercy and godly strength to overcome. I ask that they never stop seeking to know you as God and learn about Christ and the Holy Spirit, regardless of what their current exposure or knowledge about you is. I ask that you remind them daily to focus their eyes on you, just as you have with me, and be with them every step of the way. Be with their families, grant them health and keep them safe, all for your glory Lord.

I thank you once again for them, and ask all of this in Jesus' loving and sovereign name:

Amen.

True beauty?

There was a time where I would have wallowed in self-hate and disgust when I saw an unflattering photo of myself (or at least what I think is unflattering). I believed that what I looked like determined how I lived because honestly, we all know physically attractive people get dibs for everything. And I made that my excuse for not doing the things I loved doing, because I rationalized that I wasn't cut out for anything anyway with my thunder thighs and my meh facial features. I decided I wasn't cut out for mass comm from an early age because I believed that you needed to look good to make it there. But that wasn't the most damaging thing.

When I was insecure, I'd look at other people and I'd see their flaws. I began seeing how imperfect other people so I'd feel better about myself. And for those who I couldn't see anything wrong with, I mentally destroyed their character. I rationalized that maybe they had a horrible personality, or that their good looks meant they lacked substance. I was angry at the world for being so unfair, and I was angry at the people who had won the genetic lottery and were beautiful. When my feelings for a guy weren't reciprocated, I looked at myself in the mirror and figured it was my fault, because I wasn't attractive enough. But I never talked about it. I avoided dealing with it like the plague, always pushing it aside or distracting myself by petitioning for other things I also cared about. I chastised people when they talked about it, thinking it was shallow. So unbeknowst, I let myself fall for the belief that I just wasn't cut out for it, but I masked it with the notion that I couldn't care less. But I did.

But over the years, I've come to realize that all of it is bogus. By blaming society and its insistence of my physical worth, I bought into the idea that beauty is everything. By telling myself that I am still beautiful in comparison to many others and bashing others who fit the criteria of beauty, I became a disservice to the very principles of love and humility that Christ embodied. By judging and ignoring the open conversation of beauty, I don't find liberation, but stagnation. And hey, I won't lie, I still struggle with all of the above.

But what if I don't need to be "beautiful" to make a difference? What if I accepted the reality that I'm not physically attractive as society dictates, but that it's still okay? What if physical beauty is just a part of life that stands out, but is not life itself? What if, my worth is in Christ alone because I am made in His image and that constitutes a beauty that the world may never learn to comprehend?

Isn't that beautiful?

Evolution

The Vivian of two years ago would not have done what I just did in this past week.

She would not have had the courage to ask anyone if she could be a part of something they were a part of. She would have thought too much about things that she just never ended up getting anything done, because she was scared. She would have questioned her motives, and when the pressure kicked in, blame someone else for her own misfortunes.

Vivian is evolving.

I refuse to curl up into a ball in my bed and forget about this world, like I once did. I refuse to blame someone else for the things that don't go right in life. I will cry when I am sad and laugh when I am happy, but I will move on when I have to. I will be brave and ask questions, because it doesn't matter what people think of me, or what I think of myself.

I was put here on this earth for a reason, and as such I'd better give it all up for my Creator. If I truly live for Him and Him alone, the rest of this I should count as loss.

It's been a struggle. I don't seem to have consistency in my daily devotions, if that's what one calls a great relationship with God. I've been struggling with loving people, because each time I try and trust someone to look out for me in this strange land called America, they mess it up.

But Christ died for us while we were still sinners. I am grateful for the gift of Jesus, for my salvation. I am overwhelmed by my God's grace and mercy, that led to my redemption. It's just not worth it. It's not worth holding onto anyone's rights or wrongs, because in the end, we are all broken people, saved by a loving and merciful God.

That also pretty much means, it's not by what I do or what I say that determines how God loves me. God loves me because He chose to love me. He chose to love all of us. By what God has done, He's altered the world in both cosmic and personal measures.

And that's what I choose to focus on.

When memories die hard

"We treat them with exposure therapy, to prevent avoidance behavior. To overcome, they shouldn't have to go around it or avoid it, they need to go through it and learn that it's okay."

This is one of the toughest lessons I've had to learn - to not run away.

I guess I thought I was doing great back home, but I really just wasn't. I had occupied my time with church and my hipster cafe job so I wouldn't have to spend hours thinking about my problems, my unforgiveness.

But now I have nothing.

Sure I have to study and do my homework, but when I get so tired and my mind cries out for rest, I drift off. I've lost count of the number of times I've drifted back to Malaysia and replaying the events of last year in my head, only to be awakened when my professor asks a question. Even when I pay attention to my class, I somehow end up drifting back to the past and a lot of it back there really hurts.

Abnormal psych hasn't been an easy class. Academically I'm doing really well (like honestly I haven't gotten a 100 in a test since I left primary school), but mentally I tend to get pretty distracted and depressed on some days. When I learn about the mental disorders that people are diagnosed with and how they're being offered treatment for it, I get angry. I think about that one time my youth pastor remarked that "Psych majors like to dramatize everything" and I almost drop an F-bomb mentally.

I remember the time I talked about my problems and told him I was going for psychotherapy. He immediately got alarmed and thought I was going to be on drugs, though I sure as hell wasn't. He said I should've sought spiritual help. The thing is, I did and it didn't help at all.

What was I suppose to do then? I had issues and I wanted to deal with it, so I could overcome them and be the person God had created me to be, without the anxiety and the anger. My parents got my vote and they even went with me for therapy and it helped, though only briefly, because I came here.

I find it strange that someone would think that I had never reached out to the church. I have, but all I tend to receive is nothing but criticism for "overreacting" or "taking it too seriously". I was tired of hearing the thoughts in my head go "Oh, I'll come along" when I felt miserable and wanted to deal with it. Also, I understand that putting my focus in serving others and loving others did help, but it still couldn't destroy years of self-conditioning, which made me mistrust everyone and not be vulnerable to anyone. I've made progress, but even so, these things still go on and take time.

I was so mad. And a part of me, still is mad, though I've declared time and time again that I forgive him for saying such things out of ignorance.

There is this girl in my class who asked my professor this once, "How can you tell if it is a psychological disorder or a spiritual or demonic thing?" My professor couldn't give a proper answer, but his best bet was that if the disorder does not go away even after treatment, he would refer them for pastoral care or something of the sort. He didn't diminish those possibilities, but said that we'd have to be careful about how we diagnose things.

This mentality just doesn't exist in church back home, especially a charismatic Pentecostal one. There is so much emphasis on miracles, signs and wonders that people find the thought of considering secular medical or mental health care as the prime option is close to sin. People don't seem to think that perhaps God might want to heal a person through medical means. I know it took my mum ages to realize that I needed more help than just counselling at church, or to just go to some healing service or prophetic event. I don't doubt that God works through these events, but I do believe that we must consider the possibility that God might work through other means as well.

I think people just don't see how serious things are. Say, if this was domestic violence, how would you counsel someone who's going through that? During my gender psych class, I got to hear clips of pastors who suggested that women went to the elders and leaders of the church in order for them to deal with their abusive boyfriends or husbands. Worse still, I heard a clip of a pastor who even told the woman to undergo the abuse for a season, and pray about it until he repented. I found it more appalling that they had even said, "It depends on the level of abuse." What on earth does that even mean?! ABUSE IS ABUSE. If what we do unto our neighbor is what we do unto God, would that person not have sinned for even abusing that person? It was not meant for anyone to just continue to be abused. Now that I think about it, it's insane. It's insane that a prestigious church leader would allow that to happen, and it makes you question where the church is headed to with such ignorant talk.

I'm not saying my situation is as bad as domestic violence. I'm not saying that I need to be pitied and the whole world needs to be at my aid. I'm saying that my problem is real, and I had every right to get help, and well, even my parents gave their blessing. My mum has become more open minded and now she sees why a field like psychology even exists. It exists because it helps people overcome, it helps people grow. We might disagree on a lot of things, but I'm glad we're on the same page when it comes to this.

Being here has been insane for me, emotionally and mentally. Now that I don't have a hectic schedule that drowns away my sorrows, I have to deal with my problems. I need to deal with my lacking walk with God. I suddenly have time to hear the voice of the world and the voice of the enemy.

But I thank God that I can also hear His beautiful voice. I thank God that the Holy Spirit has never left, even when I don't feel like it. Even without the worship team blasting Jesus Culture and a 30 minute long session of glossolalia, I feel His presence here. I know His presence and oh, it leaves me in awe. I try hard not to bawl in church because people here are a lot more conservative but it's hard. God's presence just enters and I cry, because I can feel it. It's crazy.

So don't ever tell me other denominations aren't spirit filled. That's a whole lot of loony going on there. GOD IS OMNIPRESENT. And the Holy Spirit surely is, because the Spirit is the Spirit of God.

Right now, I'm struggling. I'm struggling hard. I'm not gonna lie and pretend that I'm having a blast every single day, because I'm not. I go through pain. That's not to say that I'm ungrateful. I am blessed to be here. I am very, very blessed and I do not regret it at all. Going to the U.S. has been a dream I have always wanted to fulfill and God made it all happen. He placed this desire in my heart, and I can see a little bit of why he did that now.

He wants me to overcome. He wants my mind, to renew it so I may be transformed.

I cried out to Him today, afraid of ever returning to Malaysia. When I think of the people who have hurt me, I am angry. I wonder how I will ever serve him if I ever step foot into my church ever again. Won't I only drown in hatred and things would return to how they were?

But God is faithful. I choose to believe that God will give me whatever it takes to overcome. I will keep on forgiving them, and I will be able to love these people again with a pure heart, some day. I will overcome my anxiety - my heart will cease to palpitate with every class discussion, and I will not feel sad anymore despite being in a crowd of people.

Yet, with all these troubles, Paul's words come to mind,

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Help Me Find My Own Flame

I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion

I don't want to find that I'm just dry bones

I want to burn with unquenchable fire

Deep down inside see it coming alive

Help me find my own flame

Help me find my own fire

I want the real thing

I want Your burning desire

Do what only You can do

In my heart tonight,

There's no better time

- Will Reagan & United Pursuit

This really resonated with me. I need to find my passion in who God has created me to be, not what others expect me or impose on me to be. Sometimes we look at other people and see what a great walk they have with God, or we become in awe of the things they've accomplished as a person and wish we could be more like them.

But that's not right. God made us for a purpose that he himself gives us, and to try and be another one of his creations only means we are not happy with how he has made us. And who are we to question our function? God knows what is best, and we must stay close to Him to know what He is doing in our lives.

So I must live with a fire for God, to please Him and Him alone.

Everything else, really, is nothing.

Emosi

I'm starting to think my cynicism back in Malaysia is starting to turn on me.

I guess I deserve that, and I just gotta make do with it.

But then again, why am I taking this personally?

I don't know this guy. All I know is that he's just being cynical and seems like a pretty off-putting guy who doesn't give a damn about anything else other than for himself to be right. Yet again, I'm being counterproductive by giving him credit for that.

Take it to God, Vivian. You can't let this disease linger within you.

Hate is a horrible thing. Bitterness eats you up. Resentment will only get to you and make you a horrible person.

Don't let one stupid thing put you off. You can't keep pretending you follow Jesus if you don't have what the Word says in you. Hide His word in your heart, Viv.

Stop pretending. Let Jesus fill you up, instead of looking like you're full when inside you're empty. Hide in His wing. Cry out to Him. Let Him be your guide, let Him judge.

Yes, I am angry. But I also have a God who loves me.

Let Him decide my case.

New Year's Resolutions?

Naaaaaaaah.

While we each bring something new to the table each new year with our resolutions and desires, I think sometimes we spend a great deal trying so hard, trying to make this year different. We strive so hard to accomplish something, and halfway through we get demotivated and fail to achieve what we set out to do.

But may I suggest that in order to grow - to narrow that gap between who we once were and are to who we need to become, we must hold on to what is unchanged. We need to grasp that which is greater than we can imagine, steadfast in its nature. What is eternal, and not bound to the confines of this temporal dimension in which we live in.

What is, or who is, is GOD.

If anything, drawing near to God and abiding in His love will suffice for this year, and the years that come after that. It will lead us to respect those whom we serve with and to esteem them highly in their love for their work. It will give us peace among ourselves. It will bring realization to the idle, encourage the fainthearted, assist the weak and allow us to be patient with everyone. It will help us forgive and thus deplete the fuel of vengeance, but look forward to do good to each other and to everyone.

If anything should be constant, let it be this - that we always rejoice, that we pray without ceasing, that we give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. If ever in doubt, don't give up on the Spirit that is in you. Don't just write off prophecies, but test everything and hold fast to what is good. But whatever you do, stay away from every form of evil.

This year, I ask that God, the only provider of peace himself sanctify you completely. I pray your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at God's coming, His entry into this broken world, to us. I'm confident that He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Sounded familiar? 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24. These may be Paul's words, but I mean them all the same. Let's set our eyes on the ONLY constant worth holding onto, and let Him guide us from glory to glory. Be not concerned about finishing the race stronger by what we can do, but let Him be the light that shines through our broken vessels :)

3 days left

When I came to accept the weakness and the inadequacy that lived within me as a result of sin that could not be redeemed and reconciled to wholeness by other equally imperfect human beings, I realized then that there had to be more to being myself than just me; more to being ourselves than just us.

And there is (was and always will be), a God that rules and moves beyond anything that I can ever understand, and yet who chose to love me in the craziest way possible when there was nothing in me worthy of such a great sacrifice. A God who is, to all He designed for His glory and His great love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

- Ephesians 3:14-21

The God of Everyday

But this I call to mind,

    and therefore I have hope: 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

    “therefore I will hope in him.” 

- Lamentations 3:21-23

This morning, I skipped my devotion. It seemed like a peaceful day where not much could go wrong, and I thought I could manage it with the treasury of already memorized scriptures in my mind. I thought I could do whatever I had to do in the day without concern, without worry, without anxiety. Everything seemed jolly well within my control. I also had some things to pray about, but I wrote them down and thought I'd do it later because there were other things I felt I had to complete first, before I could've done anything else.

From the scripture above, we see that God's mercies are new every morning. After all, each day has enough trouble of it's own (Matthew 6:34), and God gives us enough grace for the day to endure that day and that day alone. The next day, the same thing happens - God's mercies are renewed again, and we receive the grace and strength to endure it yet again. Daily, we are called to trust in the Lord to garner whatever we need to proceed with the next 16 hours (assuming you get your eight hours of sleep), after rise and shine.

Yet today, I put God out of the picture. Sure, I envisioned God and thought about scripture and church and doctrine and theology and searched these things up in Wikipedia and learned more about them, but I had neglected God altogether. I hadn't spent time with Him. I didn't quite talk to Him. I just ignored Him and carried on with the day, without taking in the new mercies He was going to provide me for today.

And I failed. And when I failed to hold things up, I went back to Him. I read His word and cried out to Him and I received His mercies. But my refreshment was now wasted, because I only have about four more hours left to draw from a reservoir of a day's worth of grace (given that I sleep by midnight, if not earlier). There is no doubt - God's faithfulness sure is great and His steadfast love never ceases, but I have been a fool for letting myself miss out on the abundance of His love.

How utterly, stupid, if I dare say so myself.

It also got me thinking about what and how much my faith meant to me.

Is my faith worth everything to me that I would give every second, every minute, every hour, every day - basically, every moment of my life to Him?

Are my bad moments dedicated to Him alone, while the greater and more joyous occasions are left for me to squander freely without acknowledging that they also belongs to God?

Is my God, the LORD over all that is in my life - the great I AM?

I cannot keep on doing this. I cannot only seek the Lord in times of anxiety and trouble, and then stray away when I feel okay and think I can deal with the day on my own. He is the source of my strength in times of trouble, but He is also God over the sunny days of my life where everything looks like rainbows and unicorns (forgive me, I ran out of metaphors).

It doesn't matter how I feel right now, or how I will feel tomorrow. It doesn't matter if I think I feel okay, or I think I don't feel okay. My faith is not based on how I feel about having morning devotions, or how sleepy I feel at night before I slumber. My faith is founded on the Cross, and it needs to be a faith not just of words, but of action - or of works, which complete faith, if you'd like to reference James 2.

And that includes every single day of my life surrendered to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11

I know you probably feel the same, looking at this verse all, over, again. Yeah, I get it. God has a plan for me, and it's always good, and it offers me a hope and a future. And well, those plans can sometimes be tough, but they are always good. Blah blah blah. So there.

With all that's been going on in my head lately, everything just feels really difficult. I don't know how I'd get through this, and my mind just paces from one thought to another, thoughtlessly. There are no youth services on Sunday for the time being, and so I have to read the Word more on my own for refreshing from the Lord. And sometimes I don't feel refreshed, I feel daunted. And then I stop reading, and mope in my own miseries.

Today, I thought about my relationship with my family. I wonder why I was made so incompatible with the family God put me in. Like everything now just seems to be my fault, cuz I had big dreams and everyone else had to make a sacrifice just so I could fulfill them. My mum's okay, and I know God is taking care of her very well, but my dad can react pretty atrociously at times. I won't go into detail about his behavior, because they aren't significant - well, not as important to me as what I believe he thinks of me and what I'm doing.

I can only say that he hasn't quite grasped this whole Christianity thing yet - he expects me to utilize the gift of my intelligence to rake in money once I graduate, buy him a Porsche and let him live an affluent life. I, on the other hand, have other ideas. I have a desire to serve the community, which involves not beginning working at 21. Return to Malaysia and serve the local church, before I go into a full-time job and build a career. I want to be able to give back to my parents, but I'm just not convinced that becoming a billionaire is the only path that can accommodate my desire to honor and love my parents via gifts.

Why the both of us have our flaws and our faults in the family, I find it really hard to love my dad because he doesn't seem to understand that pursuing Christ comes above all else, including a good job equalling money and that money equalling a life of affluence. I'd love more than anything else to give my parents that and more, but I want him to realize that these are not the things life should be founded upon. It's tough, and I'll just be brutally honest - sometimes I just want to shout at him and tell him to shut up about money, because as much as we need it to survive, I'm tired of being pressured to earn big and pay everyone back. It also doesn't help that it contradicts God's promise that he would keep us and provide for us.

I then ask God why.

Why put me in a family like this, and give me a dad that is so difficult to deal with? I know people in church don't have perfect families, but at least they have a dad who's bent on crucifying His flesh to the Cross.

And that's when He swooped into my thoughts, and spoke to me.

"Because I care about your character, not your circumstances."

Jeremiah 29:11 couldn't have showed up in my pandemonic mind at a better time. I'm not always sure whether something I think about is something from the Holy Spirit, but I know for certain that it was the Spirit of God speaking to me.

God does have a plan, and He will not rest until it comes into fruition. Sure, my dad might be difficult to love, but the easy thing to do (which I have been consistently doing), is to just write him off as unreasonable and not worth caring for.

But the difficult thing to do, which Christ did for us, is to love my dad anyway. To put aside every ounce of pride in my mind and do the right thing. I don't have to agree with everything he says, but I need to hear him out. I don't always like how he thinks or behaves, but I don't have to react to it. It's not that I'm being weak or anything - I'm being meek instead. Strength under control, if that's what you call it. I will need every fruit of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit can flourish in me to love my dad.

Yet, I don't lose out. If anything, I gain everything - I will grow stronger in character. Sure, I won't be around for the next two years, but with every Skype call and Whatsapp message, I'll do my best.

Because this plan and purpose isn't just for me, it's also for him. And just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, I will give up my pride for my dad. One day, he'll understand that and he'll be transformed. He'll be that new person God has intended for him to be.

I can't wait.

Nuggets: Self-esteem?

"Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all." 

- William Temple, Church of England bishop (1881-1944)

The only way we will ever truly learn to love ourselves is to first deny ourselves, then take up His cross and follow Him daily (Luke 9:23). After all, holding onto individualism and self-esteem is not substantial, we must give it up in order to experience the abundance of a life lived in freedom from the selfish constructs of this world. There is this huge propensity to fall within one extreme or the other, but being grounded in His word, the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the body in which we have been placed truly helps us overcome.

Yes, what a short post. I just needed to remind myself that it's not about me, and that my thoughts about how others treat me or how they see me should not matter at all.

He must become greater, I must become less.

19 years later

Six weeks isn't enough to make a distinct difference.

Sure, it could start this week, but things definitely don't change overnight. I don't suddenly just harness the ability to withstand feeling hurt when past wrongs slam right into my guts unannounced. I don't miraculously undo the complexes I've built in the past nineteen years in forty two days.

Change takes time, and time heals everything.

I was challenged today to give myself nineteen more years. Nineteen years, to work towards the oblivion I realize I've needed all this while.

Oblivion, to completely forget and possibly, not know of the pains of the past. Oblivion, a synonym of forgiveness. Oblivion, a pronunciation of love, which keeps no record of wrongs.

Oblivion, originating in the endless mercies and immeasurable grace of God.

Nineteen years later, I will cease to be affected by the temperament of others, and will be able to differentiate who I am from those I love, whose impact in my life has been profound.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  

- Philippians 1:6

The way of love

As I grow older I'm starting to realize it's not about how much love I can get, but how much I can love.

I'd rather have a heart of flesh, that has been worn, broken and restored than a heart of stone, unimaginably cold and detached from its true purpose - for love.

And if that sometimes means silence even when I am burning in anger and eager to argue, so be it. If it means waiting patiently when the world tells me things are impossible and I should just to give up, so be it. If it means saying sorry even when I'm not explicitly at fault, so be it.

Because the truth is, everything boils down to love. Love is why we were created, are redeemed and have a hope and a future.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge it will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

When I said I would take up my cross and follow Him four years ago, I might not have known the full extent of what this journey of faith entailed. But I made that commitment anyway, a promise to follow Him regardless of anything that would stand in my way.

Today I renew my vows from all those years ago. I made a choice to follow Jesus, and I will stick to it. I have bound myself to Christ, and have denounced my freedom to give up my faith when the going gets tough. I have surrendered every tendency to do things with my own strength, and vow to commit everything unto Him, and only Him. Whenever I stumble, I choose not to let myself fall, but to cling unto the Lord, even in the strongest of my weaknesses.

I love, because He first loved me.