Throwback

Here's to these two charismatic people who happen to have the same first syllable in their names - Carine and Carlos, who've helped shape my childhood in the most significant manner possible and who still remain my most devoted friends in spite of the fact that primary school was what, 6 years ago?

I find it supremely funny about how we went from this..

.. to THIS.

I had the most splendid time with these two at Starbucks two Fridays ago. Frappucinos were 50% off from 5 to 7pm on Tuesdays and Fridays this month, so out of conviction that this had to be divine intervention, the three of us seized the opportunity for a brief bonding session. It was initially a company of four, but unfortunately, Meera couldn't make it. I guess I'll have to wait until another opportunity like this surfaces before the four of us can gather once more, in the name of discounted beverages.

And because memes are the thing of this century, here's another one for the road.

A close-up. You betcha!

And I'm out.

P.S.: You're welcome to leave a comment at the new Cbox I've added to the blog. A simple hello will do, but if you're keen on criticizing my literary prowess and exuding your superiority complex upon a feeble being like yours truly, feel free to do so ;)

Disposition

I wasn't expecting myself to be penning down my thoughts today, especially not when I have so much work that has to be done before I can usher in the weekend. However, as today's event marks a historical moment in my life, I simply could not resist the notion of recording it down on my blog.

For the first time in my eighteen years of existence, I, Vivian Renee Teoh Wei Qi, did not get straight As for a major public examination. In succinct terms, I did not attain a streak of As for my SPM.

I have to say though, in spite of the restlessness I encountered the night before and fatigue that ensued on campus as I anticipated the moment of truth, I am quite happy and satisfied with the outcome. Having taken 10 subjects for SPM, I received 9As (comprising of 6A+s, 2As and 1A-) and 1B. Frankly, I silently knew that I wasn't going to obtain a string of As before I even discovered my results on my course mate's iPhone after she successfully coaxed me into doing it, having attained straight As herself. I just somewhat knew inside that things were not going to be completely in my favor this time.

It was a little devastating initially when I discovered I did not receive an A for Literature in English. I tried recalling what it was exactly that I wrote on the sheets in that answer booklet, attempting atrociously to seek the source of my fallacy only to find nothing. I felt as if I had tried in vain to prove myself worthy of being ranked a top scorer and now I had nothing to show for since I did not receive the streak of As I had hoped for.

Fortunately for me though, I am constantly reminded that As are not the be-all and end-all of one's quest to self-actualization and success in life. It takes more than just grades to uplift an individual to the top and even if one does arrive at the summit, it takes even more effort to sustain one's acquisition in order to remain supreme in a particular field where one is considered excellent. Intellect is more of a luxury really, it is humility that runs as a necessity for all of mankind, for God looks at the heart and chooses to uphold those who humble themselves before Him.

I won't say I've successfully been able to achieve that, but I'm trusting God each and every day, constantly in reliance to Him by faith. It is He who created me after all. Without Him, I AM NOTHING. And yet with God, I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm going to stick with my Saviour because if He is for me, no one can be against me. I don't have to put up a fight just to continue living fruitfully in this world - I simply just have to trust Him.

So there you have it, my musings for the day. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Or not. Whatever I'm tired and I'm about to black out soon if I don't hit the sack.

Night.

College no university yes

I'm not sure if you can tell but I based the post title on TNAF's track Crazy Yes Dumb No. Well, I suppose not since they're pretty obscure and you probably don't want to be part of this hipsteria I'm still part of.

While it's only the second day of my life in university and my first day of classes for ADP at Taylor's, I'm already starting to feel exhausted. Perhaps it is the long hours of university that sources my misery or my restless mental state that is to be blamed. Or maybe it's the ungodly hours I am forced to arise in. I honestly don't think 5.40AM in the morning is a decent hour to rise and shine given that my bus isn't very punctual either and my eye bags are even more defined now. Needless to say, undertaking two days of uni life has somewhat given me some perspective regarding the contrast between my previous phase of life with the current one now.

So I'll say it. I miss high school. I miss my friends. I MISS SCHOOL. I MEAN IT.

Sure, go ahead. Tell me "I TOLD YOU SO". I'm too tired to give two hoots to anyone who says "In your face" anyway. I honestly couldn't careless.

While ADP is structured to somewhat emulate the American high school/college system, it's a totally different experience altogether. While classes aren't back to back, which makes it convenient if there are group projects or assignments to be completed during breaks, the fact that I have different classmates in every class makes it really difficult for me to form long lasting bonds with anyone. I won't say I have no friends at all, because that's untrue. But I will say that so far I have only been in contact with three of them regularly since orientation, which of course, was yesterday. Everyone else seems to have gone as quickly as they introduced themselves.

Anyhow, I know it is a little too early to determine anything so I won't make my conclusions now. Most of the people I've met so far have been courteous and rather spontaneous as well, but I haven't found a soul that I could potentially relate with to the extent of being soul mates. Of course, I already have one in church but I do think it would be nice to meet someone who values acrolect speech, intellect and eloquence as much as I do and has similar interests. I have met some pretty decent people in these two days but I haven't quite found anyone with the likes of my original high school bunch. I know in my heart that my upper sec buddies are irreplaceable and this simply makes the whole situation at the moment even more unbearable.

Guys, if you ever read this, I want you all to know that I love all of you very much and there is no one else in this world that can come close or completely replace any of you. EVER.

Other than the atrocities of bonding with other fellow ADP-ians, I've also come to realise that I have to adopt a very independent mindset in uni. I'm expected to know everything by checking the Student Portal, contacting my lecturers, checking with the office, asking lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (I am not exaggerating, I KID YOU NOT) of questions as well as through conversing with other students. There is no such thing as having the right to remain silent because speaking up counts as participation and participation equals good CGPA. So far I've not just come across ADP students but foundation students as well, since they make up the majority of the faculty. I've even bumped into some of my secondary school peers while taking strolls around the campus during lunch, although I have absolutely no intention to reunite with them, for personal reasons.

While I have been a little slow in the social department, I have to say I'm pretty fortunate I didn't have to eat lunch alone. For almost the entire day I was on campus, I spent most of my time with these two guys when it came to non-academic related activities. And by doing so, I even got to know other people from the foundation programs, which I reckon is a good thing. However, I'm going to try forming friendships with some girls as well because I honestly don't want to be too dependent on certain individuals like I used to in most of my school years and ultimately because I don't want to come off as stereotypical in a certain sense. Like all the ADP lecturers say, it is good to have a balance whether in academics, ECAs and life in general. And therefore, I will take heed and prove myself worthy.

So there, my thoughts on my first two days of university.

Now, I must catch up on sleep. Goodnight.

Curiosity did not kill the cat

No argumentative basis whatsoever. I just thought it sounded less mainstream. I've caught on to the hipsteria, most fortunately. Okay, moving on.

It has been said, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. While this is partly true, I am certainly not a partaker of this belief. I may observe the actions and reactions of man, but I do not affirm myself of one's personality by concentrating on the motion and expression emitted by their body language. Simply put, I see, and I observe, yet I do not scrutinize.

However, this does not necessarily indicate that I am not attentive towards the behavioural processes and mannerisms of others. I honestly do, and sometimes even more than I should, but my insight is not found in scrutiny of facial organs, but rather in words. In my opinion, the written, or in this era - the typed word speaks more than itself.

I was leafing through the pages of the school magazine just mere minutes ago and I came across an essay written by a friend, or should I say acquaintance, since we aren't very fond of one another. As it happened to be the only English essay written by a senior that was published in the magazine, I became curious of the contents of the essay, especially since the title was rather beguiling and intriguing as well. And so I found the first word of the initial paragraph and began reading.

And I was shocked. I was startled. Amazed. Impressed. Infuriated. Surprised. Well, there's nothing more I can say to summarize my instant reaction to the essay but I was indeed, shocked. Never in my life would I have imagined this acquaintance of mine a literary genius. I won't specify precisely what the short was about, only that it contained elements of psychology, a concealed expression of teen angst and a sheer disposition of romance. And for a mere Malaysian adolescent of seventeen years to concoct such a brew that can stir the emotions of man, well, another adolescent like me makes such individual, a marvel.

While the elements of the tale he crafted were devastatingly provocative to the avid fan of literature, what had me taken aback was the author of the work. The mastermind behind the persona, the character. The genius behind the impersonation. The imposter himself - my mere school-aged acquaintance. I am indeed curious. What exactly was it that rendered him enlightened and in contact with his literary muse? What were the exact thoughts embedded in his cerebral cortex at the time of birth of the notions he expressed in his work? What is it that had physically, emotionally and spiritually driven him to have produced a piece worthy of recognition and acquisition by all who believe that there is hope in mankind in the literary world where all seems lost in the pandemonium of erotic novels and vampire fiction?

And this is why I cannot comprehend. I cannot fathom how someone I have known or perhaps, merely taken notice of could possibly possess such a great literary capacity in spite of the other responsibilities and absurdities in life all youth have had to endure in vain. Perhaps this boy, or should I say man literary-wise, has been intellectually adept to have exploited this very attribute and converted it into a catalyst for the progress of his work. I am earnestly lost and abashed by his humility, which I had once presumed as insecurity.

Needless to say, this has made me solemnly vow to myself that I shall never assume for the rest of my life. I am all for changing my perception regarding all individuals that exist in my life for the fear that I may someday traverse and find a similar soul - a genius in disguise and may wrong him or her superfluously.

On a lighter note, today's Christmas party was enjoyable. I had a great time conversing with all my friends and I reckon their parents had a splendid time as well since they actually stayed longer to chat than I had initially expected. Overall, today was a good day in spite of yesterday's misfortunes and I am definitely looking forward to Christmas now. Also, this fear that my friends and I will somewhat drift apart and fail to remain in the know of one another is beginning to fade away as well. After today's brief (okay, not really) gathering, I'm convinced that all of us, despite having different undertakings in life, will always remain friends forever (as cliche as it sounds).

Today, I am glad. That is all.

Dungeons

While the apocalypse did not occur yesterday, I am definitely feeling the supposed aftermath of doomsday. I honestly cannot imagine how things could have possibly gone from good to worse in the course of 24 hours.

I don't plan to dwell on the incidences that occur on this day once it is over, but I figured I had to write about it, to remind myself that behind every cloud is a silver lining. While I'm still searching for it, I'm learning to counter the negativity emitted by the misfortunes that have befallen today. So I guess this will be a short account of my day.

Firstly, my mother's purse was stolen while we were shopping for Christmas gifts in Mid Valley. She suspects that the theft occurred in Bonita when she and my sister were browsing through the handbags on sale. A likely locus for pick pocketing, I must say. Anyhow, my mum somehow got carried away in the midst of the frenzy and got distracted to the point that she did not realise that someone had gotten a hold of her purse. And now thanks to this moron, the entire Christmas atmosphere of the household has diminished slightly. My mum's alright now despite having to put up with the rigmarole of going to the police station, cancelling all her bank accounts and creating a new identification card, and the rest of us are trying to put this behind us so we can have a good Christmas. But all in all, this was the incident of the day, and unfortunately it wasn't a pleasant one.

Next, there's no cellophane tape at home. I know this is a really stupid thing to be unhappy about but after the theft, we were technically disallowed from going out for the rest of the day so I couldn't get extra tape just in case our current one was used up and all the Christmas gifts are to be given out during tomorrow's party after service. And our current cellophane tape mysteriously vanished without a trace. JUST LIKE THAT. In the end, I had to use glue tape, which I might add is one of the most expensive gift wrapping tools in the market on the final few presents I had yet to wrap. I guess I'm not too upset about it now that all the gift wrapping has been done, but earnestly, this was something that got me hot and bothered today.

Finally, the verdict. What verdict, you ask? Well, recently a schoolmate of mine told me that he has been contemplating between A-Levels and ADP for quite some time and came to me for some advice since I had already enrolled in the ADP programme. He expressed his concern regarding both programmes and indicated a huge possibility of doing ADP since he wasn't very keen on an exam-oriented pre-university programme. Over Facebook, the both of us happily discussed about ADP and I explained to him a couple of things to aid his confusion over choosing a major and the conversation ended with a glimmer of hope. A hope that someone will have my back in college, even if it was just ONE friend.

And just mere minutes ago, all my hopes were crushed. He messaged me on Facebook to tell me that he has decided on taking A-Levels according to his parents' wishes. We wished each other all the best, expressed our hopes of keeping in touch with one another and ended the conversation rather briefly.

I won't say I did not see that coming, because a part of me expected that to occur, but somehow, the hope that sparked during our prior conversation evolved into something larger and overwhelmed my sense of rationale, ignoring all rules of probability. Therefore, this disappointment is really a result of my own folly and there is absolutely no one else to be blamed for it.

On a lighter note, I'll be meeting up with my friends tomorrow at the Christmas Harvest party. I'm pretty psyched about it since this is actually the first time I'm inviting my high school friends for a Christmas party. We've been having the harvest event since the birth of the cell group and while most of my primary school friends have been to this annual gathering at least once in their lives, none of my high school friends have actually attended one. While high school is a thing of the past now, I still find it necessary that we share our final moments together before we officially move on with our own lives in our respective colleges and courses.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Prom 2012

Prom has often been dubbed the "night to remember" for as long as I can recall. We watch it on American high school dramas, we hear about them from our seniors who have lived through this supposedly breathtaking and amazing experience and we yearn deep in our souls to be a part of this event someday, hoping that all our expectations are proven right and that we find closure at the end of our schooling years.

My prom was held two days ago, on a Thursday night. I was quite stoked about the event since prom was something I was pretty fond of as a child. As I faithfully watched A Cinderella Story for the umpteenth time, I would take note of the amazing dress the supposed 'Cinderella Girl' would don, the majestic setting the ballroom would behold and the interesting choice of hors d'oeuvre or amuse bouche in the least, alongside a fine choice of mocktails which usually include the same concoction of fruit punch. But all those things were besides the point. The underlying concept in A Cinderella Story was the story itself where this humble servant girl rises to new heights and finds her 'Prince Charming' with the assistance of a fairy godmother, usually in the form of a close friend in the modern day adaptations of the classic fairy tale.

Well then, did my school prom committee super cede these somewhat petty yet real expectations and threw us a night to remember?

It's actually pretty simple to answer that.. NO.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a "better" prom. One of the emcees was competing against himself to see how many profanities he could insert into every sentence, there was dry-ice smoke permeating the entire ballroom and eventually outside the ballroom, the choice of music was all mainstream and absolutely redundant, my grandmother can do a much better job at cooking beef thank you very much, the desserts were the size of an amuse bouche (never a good thing), the photo booth was simply a rip off from the one we had at our school graduation, there were couples making out at every corner during the 'clubbing' and 'slow dance' session, the whole ballroom was just too dark and smoky to dance in and the strobe lighting was one that pioneered a pounding headache. Heh.

Honestly though, it was such a horrible mess, a popularity contest and it just didn't kick ass.

The only saving graces of the event were the performances and the little music video at the end featuring all our Kodak moments in high school. While most of the physical and social expectations were completely unmet, I did get an experience I never thought I'd live through in a million years, since I'm pretty much a wallflower in school. Or maybe just plain ignored. Heh.

Anyhow, since I went with a friend who was my date for the day, he actually got me a corsage for prom. It may be a common notion in the U.S. or any other Western proms, but I appeared to be the only one who was wearing a corsage that night. So yeah, that pretty much made me feel special :) As of now, the corsage is resting in an empty half of my Clarins cleanser tube filled with water and paracetamol. I earnestly don't think I've ever seen something so beautiful to want it to last forever, but this corsage was something that meant so much to me that I just had to make sure it retained it's beauty for at least a couple more days.

Next, another event I see myself reminiscing in future is my first ever slow dance. I never thought I'd get asked at all. Well, maybe I did think about it but I always dismissed the thought of ever being asked for the exact same reasons why I never thought I deserved a corsage for prom. But I did. My date was smart enough and well, such a gentleman to even bring up the notion of dancing. While both of us were totally hopeless at dancing, I sort of enjoyed it since it was my first, and firsts just bring so much more meaning to the occasion regardless the consequences.

Finally, the entirety of the occasion was saved by this major factor - COMPANY. The fact that I had great company at my table and an amazing date proved to be a blessing through the night. When I had a fever during prom, my friends Syuen Lee and Jia Yi had to sashay down the hotel in their evening dresses into the mall just to find me some Panadol to cure my headache. I really appreciate the gesture and as a result of their kindness I managed to enjoy the night before the second fever broke out after prom. Moreover, my other friends Kah Yan, Chien Yi, Nicole and Men Yee were also such amazing sports for being willing enough to go for prom and fill the table I was in since most of our peers weren't interested in attending prom at all. I appreciate all of you so dearly and I hope in time to come, our paths will cross once more. Also, I am extremely grateful for my date for being such an amazing sport and doing all the things society expected of him and making me a happy girl that night. Honestly, I felt really special and a little part of me was wishing some of those little sweet moments would not come to an end.

With that said, I can conclude that prom was a rather mediocre experience at best. I'm not sure if I want to experience it again since I spent about RM500 on my clothes, make-up and hair, jewellery and the ticket itself. Perhaps my college prom may provide a different exposure altogether but all in all, I'm a tad traumatized over the insecurity I felt when I tried to dance in heels and balance myself on the escalator and I'm pretty convinced I'm a little claustrophobic since I felt dizzy in that dark, misty ballroom.

But the fact remains - I experienced prom. And that is all that matters.

It is finished

SPM IS FINALLY OVER.

More to come.

Standing in the dark

Please, by all means, ignore my increasingly pessimistic post titles as of late. This is just another all-time low, I assure you.

So I paid a visit to the Taylor's Lakeside Campus today to find out more about the American Degree Transfer Programme and I must say it has been quite an enlightening session. I am now quite informed about the decision I am due to make as I received quite a perspicuous briefing about the course and what to expect as I undertake it. Also, I still have about a week more to think this entire endeavor through as my enrollment deadline has now been extended until next Friday.

Frankly, it has been a very emotional ordeal trying to decide and discuss things over with my parents before making this decision that could very well determine the course of my life. I can't help but to shed tears as I stumble upon the realisation that this very well means that my life as a Malaysian high school student has so to say, ended. There are of course still 6 papers left for SPM, but the fact still remains that I will be moving on eventually and I won't be returning to the environment I have become accustomed to and have come to love over time. I know I may have mentioned how despicable my school is at times and how inconsiderate some of the students can be, but now that I've grown so fond of it I can't seem to grasp the truth that it is finally time to leave this phase of life and enter into a new season of education.

Time really does fly. I know this sentence really does lack creativity and it's so stereotypical and mainstream among feeble minded and unsophisticated individuals but I've come to realise that there is truth in the saying. It is inevitable. I remember so fondly of my younger days when I was back in primary school where I longed so much to grow up and become a figure of vast significance in this world. I estimated my entrance into society was to occur at about this age and was quite excited for the event. However, in real time, I feel as if I want to take a step back - and perhaps a few more at which I will probably end up in a frenzy as I attempt to escape the absurdities of life.

It's absolutely ridiculous how my next paper is in a week's time and here I am wasting away every second trying to conjure choice vocabulary to express the atrocities of my own life without bothering to entertain my numerous unfinished SPM trial papers as a form of revision. Furthermore, I've been online for about 6 hours now and within that time frame I've managed to destroy every ounce of time I have had left earlier by reading articles about Sherlock Holmes, reblogging Sherlock posts on Tumblr and repinning food I'll probably never learn to cook on Pinterest. Other than that, all the time I had today was spent on watching Top Chef and Anthony Bourdain on TV and on a tiny portion of Add Math. What a sad, minute consolation. I deserved to be whipped for this. Gah.

Anyway, I barely studied today and I do realise that time does indeed "fly" ever so quickly. It should not be spent writing about useless descriptions over the daunting prospects of having to choose a course in college which will not benefit anyone and may even produce harm towards oneself via the offering of such pessimistic connotations so therefore I shall exit in a timely manner.

Goodbye.

Sigh no more

There is absolute reason to sigh no more - graduation. I'm finally receiving closure and bound to leave high school permanently, although I must say that I have not rid myself of that demon of an examination - SPM yet, but I believe I will overcome this and exit victoriously.

Contrary to the emotions most people are encountering presently, I'm actually quite glad to leave this phase of my life and begin anew. It's almost as if high school was no more than an obstacle I had to overcome in my quest to discover my identity, my purpose and my calling. And I think I've found it.

It's right here, in between the lines, in every alphabet, in the vocabulary - WRITING.

I honestly don't know what will occur in the future. I'm not even sure if my expectations of a better environment, better peers in the form of course mates and better experiences will be met, but I'm ready to take on what lies ahead. I'm pretty set on the notion of not succumbing to the graces of being a wallflower and becoming a more sociable being when I enter college and I will attempt to make the most of my life as a youth, and consecutively a young adult.

However, there are things I will definitely miss upon my departure. I will miss my friends. And by friends, I mean people who have stuck with me in spite of my fallibility, my flaws and my fickle nature. The people who have laughed at the jokes I crafted despite my lacking genuine sense of humour. The people who have inspired and touched my life, as well as educate me both academically and philosophically. These are memories that will never cease until the end of time.

High school has honestly been a struggle for me. From the day I first set foot into this education institution, I've had to deal with so much, particularly discrimination due to my incompetence in conversing in Chinese (which is apparently a disgrace), my plump physique and my constant mood changes. While I am now able to speak Chinese coherently when I am making a purchase at a boutique, have lost weight over the years (and gained a number of kilogrammes this year) and possess the ability to withhold my emotions, I still encounter difficulty in discovering my sense of belonging and dealing with the conflicts of the past which have somewhat managed to build some strongholds within myself.

Although I am still in the midst of being healed of the pain and rejection I have once felt, I am now stronger and can withstand tougher challenges than I have before. By God's grace, I will be able to move on and be filled with too high a spirit to be encumbered with my old nonsense.

Anyhow, I will be going on full-fledged hiatus from tomorrow until my final SPM paper - English Literature. So until then, this blog is temporarily in a coma.

Alright, ta :)

Unfold

I ran out of ideas. There's no specific reason why I decided to go with 'unfold'.

Or perhaps there is. For instance, it is exactly 20 more days until I unfold what SPM has in store for me. I'll also be graduating from high school this Saturday, which is in 4 days so I guess there is reason behind my vague blog post title. There is really plenty to unfold in the coming weeks and life isn't slowing down at all. In fact, it's actually picking up the pace albeit too quickly and I don't know if I have the capacity to catch up with it.

Anyhow, I haven't been studying much. I actually expected myself to be a lot more stringent in routine and far much anxious about SPM that I have been in the past few months. Trials proved to be a terrifying ordeal and now the real Godzilla is approaching, and yet I've been slacking lately. And as I have mentioned before, it is exactly 20 more days until the first paper I'll be sitting for, which is BM and I've been doing a pretty good job of screwing up my 'tatabahasa' section lately. I'm just hoping the actual paper won't be as difficult, but as it is a major exam, it'd be quite hard to say, which means I'll just have to put in all my effort and hope things won't turn out too bad.

I was quite disappointed with my trial results earlier, but now I'm starting to rethink my reaction towards my achievement. I did get a string of As, although it consisted of only 1 A+ and 2A-s but my class position paid the price for my nonchalance as many of my classmates who had put in so much effort (in looking for tips, I dare say) managed to displace me as they had obtained more A+s than I did. After moaning in abject agony and misery for a few weeks, I decided to reevaluate my achievements and my efforts to see where I had gone amiss.

And that was when I realised, I hadn't really put in that much effort for my trials. Moreover, I believe God might have had something to do with this. Only now did it occur to me that if I had studied the way I did without God's grace, I would not have acquired those results. An individual like me who gloats in misery about how terrible and incomplete my life is totally doesn't deserve such results! It was then that I begun to realise that I was only able to do so much because God was there for me.

So now I feel less terrible about my results and ever more grateful to God, but am still lacking in enthusiasm. I guess I'll have to keep praying and hopefully by God's grace, I'll make it through :)

Other than SPM, there has been other thoughts that have been permeating my mind lately. I won't be specific, but let's just say I've acquired a physical attraction towards this guy I'm acquainted with but not close to. It's actually quite odd if I might say so myself since I'd been oblivious to him for quite some time and it was only that other day when I was on duty with him that I realised he was actually quite charming in physique.

Prior to this incident, I never believed in love at first sight, but now.. I'm not so sure. Perhaps it is lust or the mind's sinister undercurrents towards physical attraction, but whatever it is, I am absolutely not going to pursue it. I did a very stupid thing of adding him on Facebook and making a big fuss about what to comment on his wall post but I'm just going to ignore myself and get on with it.

I DO HAVE SPM AFTER ALL!

I'm also quite excited to be leaving this wretched institute of education and adjourn into a new phase in life - college! I already have plans of my own, but it's really up to God whether or not I am able to carry them out. I'm completely relying on God's grace now to make it through (well, attempting to at least) and I just hope God will bring upon some revelation in my life.

I have Chemistry tuition in a bit, so I'll have to end it here. The amount of hits on my blog has increased a little over the week ever since I installed that Feedjit widget on the sidebar, although there has been no record of the people who have landed on my blog so far. I'm just hoping there's no one  familiar here because it would be embarrassing if anyone found out about my "romantic" undertakings and started a wildfire.

Alright, off I go.

I need fixing

I desperately am in need of a little fixing. Perhaps a little more than little. Okay, I do need to be fixed urgently and in tremendous proportions.

Hello. It feels odd to be back on this blog again, ranting away about how I feel. I'm not too sure about what I feel now actually. My John Clare moment has somewhat subsided, but I haven't quite achieve euphoria either. So I guess I can say I'm currently indifferent. Indifferent, by the way - not ignorant.

Well, I guess I should begin by commenting on how disappointed I was at my English trial results. Now that I'm pondering upon this, I believe I still am disappointed except that I'm not resorting to a string of common profanities to ease my disappointment and bark at people whom I previously thought could do no more than utter one word to arouse laughter over their ridiculous application of vocabulary in speech. I must seem arrogant stating such things, don't I?

Perhaps it was overconfidence on my part. Or should I be blaming the education system (as if I haven't played that card before)? Perhaps I should find fault with The Star Newspaper instead. I did, after all refer to their tips of writing a good summary and attempting English comprehension.

I know there's no point in trying to discover the myriad of possibilities that could have led to my failure since the trials are over and they have been for a very long time, for that matter. But this matter somewhat remains an indignant denizen of my mind.

My essays weren't up to par. My comprehension was utter crap. A classmate of mine who wrote one word for her comprehension received marks for her answer while I, who took extra time and attention to write a grammatically adept sentence, failed to receive a point. I honestly don't know if it is I, who lack competence or is it the government as usual, to be put at fault. However, I don't see a reason for playing that card because the standard of English in Malaysia is very low and having failed to do well for such a redundant and absolutely bogus paper makes me feel like an idiot myself.

Well, complaining doesn't fix any of it. But I digress.

On a different note, I think I'm getting more fit now that I'm dancing regularly. My classmates decided on dancing to Korean pop for our class graduation performance and I must say, I have acquired respect for K-pop artists who dance in their music videos. It is definitely not an easy thing to attempt let alone execute with utter perfection. I have only attended two practices so far which last for about 2 to 3 hours every day and I already find difficulty to walk downstairs. My legs somewhat wobble when I attempt to walk and I feel even older than my grandmother. I think I might also say that I now know the extent of the pain she undergoes on her legs when she walks. And I'm actually so tired that I've decided not to argue with anyone who wants to refute my statement.

Anyhow, I'll be attending school tomorrow to do more dancing in spite of my lower body aches so I do hope I don't overdo it and hurt myself even more. Furthermore, I'll be walking to Centrepoint tomorrow to audition for my prom performance. I'll be singing while accompanied by the piano, which will be played by my friend, Kah Yan. I'm quite anxious because my voice is somewhat failing to reach high notes at such an urgent moment and there's going to be a lot of competition due to the immense number of people who are singing for their audition tomorrow. I can only hope for the best and pray that things will turn out fine. I just hope I won't embarrass myself by screwing up my pitching at the last minute. Okay, let's not take a turn onto that direction, shall we?

So yes. That is my week for you. I have quite a number of photos I would like to upload but since it is such a time consuming process I can only wait until most of my activities are over to do so.

Have patience, non-existent readers. And myself, as well. Tata.

To the song of all songs

Things I've accomplished this week (list is not in order and week starts from Monday) :
1. Reconnect with God (AMEN!)
2. Come to church with an expecting heart
3. Worship God wholeheartedly despite my struggles
4. Almost finish a BM essay (2 more paragraphs left and deadline's on Tues)
5. Buy my prom dress
6. Finish the book of Acts in the bible for the umpteenth time
7. Revise Physics for the first time
8. Survive my second BM tuition lesson (I solemnly vow to switch seats next Friday, this time earnestly for my guilt cannot be contained any longer for stealing someone's seat)
9. Go up on stage without saying or doing anything
10. Memorized Psalms 27 from the first to the 12th verse (two more verses to go!)
11. Indulge in a Gong Cha signature blend!

Things (actually, the one thing) I'm having trouble with :
SLEEPING

Things I have promised to do from next week onwards :
1. Spend half an hour with God EVERYDAY.
2. Make no excuses for not praying, not reading the Word or not worshipping God.


I can conclude that it has been a fairly good week, other than the emotional stress I've been going through and my difficulty with sleeping. However, I'm just glad that God truly showed up in my life this week and has poured his grace and mercy over me during service today. I've been such a Pharisee all week, trying to justify others by my own standards, being self righteous and what not, but God has been giving me answers through youth leaders like June, the bible and especially the Holy Spirit. Despite all the struggles I've been through, I'm now so much more in love with God and passionate about spending time with the Heavenly Father than I have ever been in my entire life.

I can now honestly say (or type) prominently that being a Christian has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. There's absolutely no doubt about it, I assure you. And all you Jesus-crazy people say - AMEN!

Moreover, I have another reason to praise God as well. I went prom dress shopping yesterday with my mum  and my friends (Chien Yi and Kah Yan and both their mums) and I managed to find this beautiful purple, halter neck dress that fits like a glove. Oh and it's also below my budget, which was RM200. So yeah, PRAISE GOD! He found me the perfect dress! :)

So there you have it, a brief summary of my entire week. And I'm out.

You probably may not see me here again in the next few weeks. Maybe.

TRIALS ARE COMING.

When the spirit whispers,

you should be paying full attention to it and mind you, take heed of it without question.

I've learned my lesson that I should never ever meddle in someone else's business even if you mean well. Let's just say this is one of those cases where the good deed doesn't get repaid and it backfires on you instead.

Since the beginning of the prom hype, everyone has been switching on their date-dar (date radar, date-dar? Get it? Ugh never mind) and went into hardcore courage gathering mode in order to ask their respective candidates out to prom. And because we're all masters in succumbing to peer pressure, I had a friend of mine who was looking for a date too, but unlike me, who was all guts at making the first move, she decided she would wait for someone to ask her. Fortunately for her, another friend of mine was interested in asking her out. He went all out by being subliminal - getting chocolate cake for her, staring at her in the classroom and sitting with her during certain periods (yes, I am a keen observer) but he NEVER had the courage to ask her.

So there I was, watching this tragic event with a sense of empathy that evoked my sympathetic nervous system, somewhat unable to accept such cowardice from occurring right in front of me that I suddenly had a brilliant idea to make a bet of 10 ringgit with this guy, that if she had said yes to him if he asked her, he would have to pay me. While the involvement of money arouses a sense of interest in many, I for one was not really concerned about it at all. In fact, I was more concerned for my friend who had been waiting like a damsel in distress for him to save her from the effects of being "forever alone" during prom that I had made this bet out of good will for.

Before I talk about how my plan backfired, allow me to elaborate to avoid further confusion. Prior to the bet, my friend (the girl) and I discussed about it and she agreed that the bet was a great idea to motivate him into making his move - she would have her date and I would have my RM10. She said she would say "Yes" as long as he asked her formally and genuinely, so I obliged to help. What she didn't realise was the fact that money wasn't what drove me to help her - it was just the urge to perform a good deed. And I promise you, that was all there was to it. After that discussion, I immediately pestered the guy to make a move. The guy was in denial for the most part and he continued to hesitate. When I realised it wasn't going to work out after all, I tried brainstorming for other ideas in order to force him to come out of his shell. Just then, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "I think you'd better leave this matter alone."

But I blatantly ignored it.

Eventually, he did ask her yesterday. However, she replied with a "No." And the thing is, it wasn't even a serious invitation on his part and her reply wasn't serious at all. That was when I discovered that they had made a pact behind my back that if she said "No" to him when he asked her, he would split the money he had attained from me and gave her half of it. So she betrayed me, and they all thought it was funny.

And I never wanted any of their money in the first place. See? MAJOR BACKFIRE.

So I never gave him that RM10. And after I responded coldly when the guy pestered me for the money, they knew I was serious. I'm not angry about it anymore but I'm still quite upset at the fact that I was so stupid and "benevolent" that I submitted myself to utter embarrassment when my own thought-up plan backfired.

Which explains the title of this post. And the abrupt beginning of the post as well.

So you see, when the spirit whispers - LISTEN TO IT.

God is able

Just thought I'd do a quick update before I hit the sack.

Things I've accomplished this week :

1. Ate considerately without stuffing myself with food

2. Drank regular amounts of water

3. Practiced good facial hygiene

4. Asked someone to prom

5. Did not get rejected for the 2398049580398203th time

5. Partially settled prom seating issues

It's not much, but it'll suffice for now. This entire week in school has been in utter hype as there were plenty of prom proposals to go around (even more exuberant than a marriage proposal), seats to be filled and other rigmaroles that required much attention before the deadline. Well, the deadline to pay for prom is next Wednesday and I have to say I have not paid yet, but I'm just glad we have 8 people on our table and now we're only short of 2 more. It's been stressful, trying to figure out where to sit, who to ask and what not, but I'm just glad this week has ended and I'm proud to say - I HAVE NO REGRETS.

I'm not sure how things will work out at this point, seeing that my "date" is now seated at a different table and he has been incredibly overwhelmed that everything he says seems to be beyond comprehension, but I'm sure things will work out somehow. Prom is 5 months away after all and there's nothing I can do in advance to alter the course of events that will occur in the following months, so all I can do is focus on what's more important - TRIALS.

Oh and before anyone concludes that I am seeing someone currently, allow me to clarify that asking my "date" to the school prom was an act of friendship and more of an honour bestowed than a gesture of affection. Well, that's how it appears to be. And we're both equally aware and alright with the arrangements.

Honestly, I'm not very open to the idea of a relationship currently. I may have affections for a certain person but I have no intention of delving deeply into the subject of love or relationships at the moment. I obviously have a lot to learn when it comes to this, and before I even step foot into this realm, I have yet to discover the vast extent of God's great love. And truly, it is His love that endures forever.

So what have I learned this week?

GOD IS ABLE

And goodnight :)

Chemicals React

I don't think I've mentioned this before but I visited a Chemistry Department last Tuesday. There were plenty of exhibitions, experiments and games regarding various concepts of Chemistry to learn about. It was really interested but tiring at the same time because we had about three floors of exhibits to check out, but it was really informative and fun as well. I didn't manage to play all the games or do all the quizzes as I was snapping away for the most part, but I did score a some prizes from the few I played.

Walking in.

A brief explanation on pesticides for fruits and vegetables.

A structure of the DNA molecule.

Miniature model of genetically modified crops and animals on a plain.

Model of various types of bacterium.

A briefing on how to use an electronic pipette.

Since you can adjust the volume to any amount automatically by turning a knob somewhere, it's pretty accurate.

Slow shutter on a colourful orb.

Levitation, duh.

Volcanic eruption initiated by mixing of various chemicals. I don't remember all of them but I'm pretty sure soda bicarbonate was part of it. Sorry.

Translation : Welcome to the world of Biotechnology.

Starting off the next leg of our Chemistry exploration with a quiz.

Earthworms as a provider of fertilizer.

A model of environmental pollution.

Among the waste products that cause pollution.

Some paper leaves with messages as a means of raising awareness regarding conserving the environment.

Water, H2O molecule.

Zhi Jean, happy and smiling :)

Do our part to save mother earth!

The hallway. I thought it looked artsy with the light streaming inside the building.

Observing an exhibit of written work.

Haha silly Men Yee :P

Arrived at school at about 2.20P.M.

Oh look, it's Christopher Cheah!

So yeah, that's about it. I hope you enjoyed reading this post. I'm actually talking to the void though, because according to blog stats I haven't had any hits for a while now :(

Hollar if someone read this.